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  • FIRST POST
    • Westminster
    • By Westminster 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    • 819Posts
    • 501Thanks
    Westminster
    Considering separation from Disabled partner
    • #1
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    Considering separation from Disabled partner 7th Oct 17 at 4:46 PM
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Last edited by Westminster; 07-10-2017 at 4:54 PM.
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Page 10
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 12th Oct 17, 11:33 AM
    • 17,011 Posts
    • 26,032 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    The husband knew she had ms when they decided to have children. As I said above. If he didn't want these kids and the first child was unplanned steps could have been taken to prevent an unplanned pregnancy.

    I actually think it's disgusting that there's even been a suggestion that if they weren't planned the Op should have no responsibility for them at all and questions are being asked where are the grandparents or aunts or uncles.

    What do aunts or uncles have to do with this whether they have their own kids or not. Are they to end up being a substitute father because their father can wash their hands of them because the mother forced the father into having them?

    Which has been assumed on here with no evidence of the same by some people.

    Disabled people can and do have kids and irrespective of whether the Op wanted children he has them and they are very much his responsibility.

    There are people who have kids because contraception fails. Lots of kids aren't planned. It doesn't mean that the father swans off into the sunset.

    The op has said that he wants to be part of their life so why is it being suggested by one poster at least that he takes nothing more to do with them?

    The ops wife does not know how he feels. She's not a mind reader. How can she be expected to know and ask him for a separation because she's a burden?

    How lovely. What lovely terminology. Calling someone a burden because they have MS
    Originally posted by annandale
    I would thank this more than once if I could. The comments made by some are shocking about a person with MS.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • tinkerbelluk
    • By tinkerbelluk 12th Oct 17, 6:39 PM
    • 775 Posts
    • 3,907 Thanks
    tinkerbelluk
    It is very clear from taking a step back and reading the whole thread again that the OP has realised that the original letter wasn't one of his best ideas. However it does give some insight into how he is feeling and his thought process. Could he have said it better? Of course he could have, something he has even acknowledged himself, so there is little benefit of rehashing it constantly.

    For the majority of cases a separation will always come as a surprise to one of them and unfortunately there is little to escape this without taking it through and giving the other person some control over the issue and allowing them to get their own thoughts and feelings clear in their mind. The OP has said he will speak to relate however at the moment it feels like he's trying to retain control over a situation he ultimately will have no control over as he doesn't know how his wife / children will react. Surely this should be an option after he has told his wife how he is feeling.

    @Westminster you have come across as a logic and organised person, however as much as you want it to, this situation will not fit neatly into a box and in all honesty I can't help but think that no matter what you choose to do, it won't be the right thing. I understand you wanting to think things through fully before you even broach any conversation with your wife and I think you should consider @pearl123 very sensible advice.

    Perhaps, one of the dedicated carer forums can offer some solutions/feedback. Carers.uk. for example. They'll know more about the help which is available.
    Originally posted by pearl123
    You need to be able to open up like you have here and discuss how you are feeling with others that have or are currently in the same situation as you. They will offer more insight than many of us on here can as well as offering practical advice and support as I'm sure you're not the first person who has felt this way.

    From my own viewpoint I understand how tough a marriage can become, especially so when young children are involved and you working away. However I don't have the knowledge and understanding of living with your wife and how the MS has affected her. Not just physically but more so emotionally. As another posted pointed out you are both still young and I can't imagine this is how either of you planned your lives together to be and don't forget she may be grieving for the life she believes she may have lost also.

    Obviously you need to tell her how you feel and see if there is any possibility of you working through it. I would encourage you not to have a full plan in place now should the worse happen. You can do that when you're sure it will be needed. Doing it now without even speaking to her about how your feeling, trying counselling etc. will only make her feel a complete loss of control and she will believe that she's trapped into the situation she finds herself in.

    Staying in a loveless marriage is not fair on either of you, but I implore you to give her back some level of control about her future and don't make the decisions for her just because you think that's what you should be doing.
    You laugh because I'm different - I laugh because you're all the same
    • Plush
    • By Plush 12th Oct 17, 8:31 PM
    • 79 Posts
    • 187 Thanks
    Plush
    The ops wife does not know how he feels. She's not a mind reader. How can she be expected to know and ask him for a separation because she's a burden?
    Originally posted by annandale
    If I were the wife, I wouldn't wait for him to say anything, at some point I would simply offer that. I wouldn't want him to stay with me because of altruistic reasons. Also, I like to think that I would feel that my man doesn't love me anymore.

    I might be completely off here, but then we can never know what we would do, unless we find ourselves in that situation.


    PS. I have not mentioned the children at all because for them, any separation/divorce is hard. (and so is living with parents who don't love each other, in many ways that can be even more traumatic). And OP doesn't seem to want to shy away from his responsibilities as a father, in fact it's the exact opposite.
    • Morglin
    • By Morglin 14th Oct 17, 8:33 AM
    • 14,629 Posts
    • 26,920 Thanks
    Morglin
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - itís in both our names but I donít recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether itís joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if itís much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not Ďblamingí you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many Ďnormalí couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didnít want all this to come out before I had got your situation as Ďreadyí as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a Ďfrontí to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I havenít as much as held someone elseís hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as Ďmineí which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and Iím happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isnít much you need to do.

    Iím taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you wonít ever feel like you are Ďdisturbingí someone else when you need something.

    I havenít yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We donít have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you wonít be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Originally posted by Westminster
    Disability (mine), similar to MS, spelled the end of my 30 year marriage, although it was me that left. (Now remarried, and it was the best thing I ever did in leaving my ex...),

    But, our kids were adults, and I wouldnít have put the burden on being a carer for me into them, at such a young age as yours are, and trust me, with the lack of disability support around, they WILL end up losing their childhood.

    I left having got my own care plan in place, and with the knowledge that this was what I wanted. Different to your wife, who, presumably, will be pretty devastated..

    I do appreciate that as much as disability changes the life of the disabled person, it also puts a huge burden on the carer - you go from lovers/equals to carer/cared for.

    Not good really.

    As well as the physical side of caring (not easy, I know) disabled people can be difficult to help (or, I was!J, because disability, if itís come on in later years, has a huge emotional impact - you feel as though your life has come apart at the seams.

    Some marriages survive, even thrive, but many, many donít.

    However, please donít give her that letter, it sounds very unkind - before you do anything, at least seek some advice/support from the Carers organisations, or the MS society.

    They are used to helping worn out and drained Carers.

    You really need to also put your kids before anyone else - unless you are fighting and arguing all the time, surely there is some way you can live together, even as loving friends?

    This will be just so unfair on them.

    You must have loved your wife, at one point, and, at least for the time being, I think you need to put her and your kids above what you want.

    Your kids will grow up, and if you still feel the same, you can have a life after that.

    I wish you all well.

    Lin
    You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 14th Oct 17, 1:16 PM
    • 14,232 Posts
    • 38,554 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    Personally - I'm reading OP as searching for a logical answer to everything here and he still doesnt seem to have received one - more a case of "put up and shut up".

    I shall be really interested if anyone can see a way for him to keep his career and make sure the children are okay to have a childhood and ensure the ex is okay. Because I certainly can't see a way - and I think that is what OP is asking for.

    I'm picturing the husband of someone I used to know with MS and I've seen him looking normal - but latterly I've seen him barely able to literally walk across the floor/not able to make eye contact with anyone because he was so exhausted and depressed at everything involved with being a carer and that was with no children involved and his career (it was a career - and not a job) didnt involve travelling. Any time I wonder what it could be like to be a carer long-term I remember that mental picture - as the look of him horrified me as he looked so bad that I wondered if he would ever look normal again.
    New Year's Resolution already made -

    Don't get mad....get firm ...
    • Morglin
    • By Morglin 14th Oct 17, 2:58 PM
    • 14,629 Posts
    • 26,920 Thanks
    Morglin
    Personally - I'm reading OP as searching for a logical answer to everything here and he still doesnt seem to have received one - more a case of "put up and shut up".

    I shall be really interested if anyone can see a way for him to keep his career and make sure the children are okay to have a childhood and ensure the ex is okay. Because I certainly can't see a way - and I think that is what OP is asking for.

    I'm picturing the husband of someone I used to know with MS and I've seen him looking normal - but latterly I've seen him barely able to literally walk across the floor/not able to make eye contact with anyone because he was so exhausted and depressed at everything involved with being a carer and that was with no children involved and his career (it was a career - and not a job) didnt involve travelling. Any time I wonder what it could be like to be a carer long-term I remember that mental picture - as the look of him horrified me as he looked so bad that I wondered if he would ever look normal again.
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention

    No, I canít, becoming disabled meant I lost my career (which wasnít just a job), and becoming a carer for a person with a progressive disease, such as MS, generally, unless you can afford full time professional help, means the end of the partnerís career, if itís one that involves long hours/travel etc.,

    It also, generally, means a large drop in income, especially if both of you had a decent job.

    Trying to get benefits and other practical support are a whole new ball game as well..

    There is nothing easy about disability - but, many people find a way to deal with it and enjoy life.

    No easy answer here, especially with kids that young.

    Lin
    You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 14th Oct 17, 11:30 PM
    • 15,462 Posts
    • 63,858 Thanks
    Judi
    Personally - I'm reading OP as searching for a logical answer to everything here and he still doesnt seem to have received one - more a case of "put up and shut up"
    No not from me but i wouldnt dream of leaving whilst the kids are so young.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 15th Oct 17, 12:46 AM
    • 467 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    It must be very comforting for so many people to live carefree lives free from all doubt and with fantastic hindsight premonition for what the future holds.

    As stated (in my admittedly long and rambling posts) I fully expect (if I do go through with this) to financially support my wife (probably for the rest of her life) and my children. I couldnít really care less about my share of the house - money is not a problem we have thankfully. Although I would gladly give up the money and return to poverty if it would cure all our problems.

    Knowing a few people who have split with children I can only hope to retain an adult line of communication as it is those who have done so that seem to have the best outcome.

    Unfortunately for me the love left several years ago although caring is not a job you do for glory or riches and as stated there is still a level of affection here but also great sadness.

    Hopefully those that instantly jump to conclusions donít find themselves in a similarly difficult position as you will find it tests you very greatly.
    Originally posted by Westminster
    If the love left several years ago, why did you choose to father two children?
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Oct 17, 8:29 AM
    • 16,125 Posts
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    FBaby
    maybe because 'several years ago' could still have been after the conception of his 2nd child?

    Maybe because sometimes, it's only when you reflect back that you realise that the love wasn't there at a particular time, rather than being fully aware of it at the time?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 15th Oct 17, 12:22 PM
    • 926 Posts
    • 1,982 Thanks
    annandale
    Are people really suggesting that he can't separate from his wife and keep his career and know that his wife will be cared for?

    Do you think that there are no people without partners who have disabilities?

    I never said put up and shut up. I just didn't agree with the suggestion that he should take no responsibility for his kids because a few posters on here had convinced themselves that she had trapped them into having children

    Do you seriously think that there are no single people with MS who don't have husbands to help care for them?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 15th Oct 17, 12:27 PM
    • 926 Posts
    • 1,982 Thanks
    annandale
    Also what makes people think the husband has been doing the bulk of the caring? They had a live in carer until recently.

    You can't see a way if they have live in carers if they separate?

    How on earth do you think single people with disabilities cope? Single people with MS?

    They do exist you know.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 15th Oct 17, 4:33 PM
    • 926 Posts
    • 1,982 Thanks
    annandale
    Any time I wonder what it could be like to be a carer long-term I remember that mental picture - as the look of him horrified me as he looked so bad that I wondered if he would ever look normal again.
    There are millions of people who are carers who don't fit the description of the person you described.

    The issue is that there isn't enough support for familes who care for people with illnesses or disabilities. And that people who are paid carers allowance if they claim it aren't paid anywhere near enough.

    This man has a full time job, he is not his wifes full time carer and while life can't be easy for him or any of the family, I don't think its right to paint a picture of carers as all being exhausted and hardly able to move.

    That's not the way it is for many people who have caring responsibilities. It is for some, but the fact that the OP has a full time job obviously suggests that other people are also taking caring responsibilities on.
    • sheramber
    • By sheramber 15th Oct 17, 5:40 PM
    • 3,986 Posts
    • 2,958 Thanks
    sheramber
    the OP said I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed.

    He is only there part time due to his work but finds it a strain. His children will be there full time - will they find the demands too difficult?

    His solution is to walk away, his children are not being given a choice.

    Is the OP depressed because of the situation or does he find the situation because he is depressed.?
    • Morglin
    • By Morglin 16th Oct 17, 6:56 AM
    • 14,629 Posts
    • 26,920 Thanks
    Morglin
    Also what makes people think the husband has been doing the bulk of the caring? They had a live in carer until recently.

    You can't see a way if they have live in carers if they separate?

    How on earth do you think single people with disabilities cope? Single people with MS?

    They do exist you know.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Progressive MS generally always requires care help, and often mobility help..

    Young children need care, support and help with things.

    Yes, single people do cope with disability,with extended family or outside help, but this lady wouldnít be strictly single - she would also be the mother of two young children.

    Carers have a very difficult time of it, and there are very few (non wealthy) full time Carers that arenít tired and stressed - much of it with the sheer effort of trying to get benefits, extra help and equipment needed.

    Live in Carers can work - but the cost is prohibitive for most. Itís nit a case of one carer - they donít work 24/7, they get ill, and they have holidays.

    Social Services rarely will fund all this - so, unless youíre wealthy, and have the space, itís untenable.

    Lin
    Last edited by Morglin; 16-10-2017 at 6:59 AM.
    You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands..........for instance, if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 16th Oct 17, 7:33 AM
    • 16,125 Posts
    • 40,027 Thanks
    FBaby
    A number of people are posting here with little understanding of MS. Firstly, there is a difference between progressive and relapsing-remitting.

    The latter mean that you go through episodes where the illness is affecting them to different degrees, but when they go in remission, they can live an almost completely normal life. Most people with MS start suffering from this type of MS. It then develops different for different people, some with have more regular relapses, but recover each time, some might go years without a relapse, but then be significantly affected by a bad one. Some will suffer from this type for many years, or always, whilst some will progress to progressive MS, which is when the illness is constant.

    Some people, like a family member of mine will live 20-30 years or longer with the illness, but with the new medicine available, manage to continue to live an independent life. My family member is 70 this year and still able to walk, albeit slowly and only for short distances. He continued to drive 20 years after diagnosis.

    However, for the minority of people affected with progressive MS from the inset, the affect of the illness is often a lot more severe. It is not possible to predict from the start how MS will evolve, however, considering 1 in 10 suffers start with LR MS, there is hope that they will be able to live an independent or semi-independent life for a while.

    This is what seem to have happen to OP's wife as he mentioned that she was ok for some time after giving birth (quite common for women with MS), unfortunately, it would seem that it then evolve to progressive MS quite quickly and severely.

    This would indicate that OP and his wife experienced feelings similar to grief (ie. the end of their lives as they had dreamed it and thought it at their reach) twice. The first time with the diagnosis, but then a hope that they could still achieve some if not most of the life they'd dreamed of, and then again when it they had to accept this wouldn't happen.

    Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 16th Oct 17, 10:45 AM
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    There are millions of people who are carers who don't fit the description of the person you described.

    The issue is that there isn't enough support for familes who care for people with illnesses or disabilities. And that people who are paid carers allowance if they claim it aren't paid anywhere near enough.

    This man has a full time job, he is not his wifes full time carer and while life can't be easy for him or any of the family, I don't think its right to paint a picture of carers as all being exhausted and hardly able to move.

    That's not the way it is for many people who have caring responsibilities. It is for some, but the fact that the OP has a full time job obviously suggests that other people are also taking caring responsibilities on.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Doubtless there are some who aren't impacted very much by this. To me - I'm thinking of ones I know - him in the past. Two more recent friends that were carers - and I frequently encountered them during the years they were carers. Another friend is currently a carer (despite her own ill health) and I am watching the impact on her and her husband.

    Possibly there are carers that are barely impacted - but I've not actually come across any personally. All the ones I know that are/were carers are/were being severely impacted.
    New Year's Resolution already made -

    Don't get mad....get firm ...
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 16th Oct 17, 10:53 AM
    • 14,232 Posts
    • 38,554 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention

    Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I was certainly nodding in agreement with this paragraph - and would add that it's not just "ambitious" people that would find such situations a lot harder to deal with than many. Those of a more "determined"/perfectionist temperament - ie that have made up their minds what constitutes a normal life and will always be doing whatever they can to achieve that "normal" life - are likely to continue striving for it permanently at some level (even if it's not a "high-powered" life as a CEO of a large organisation or leader of a country - but just an "ordinary little life in the street" that is what they had in mind anyway). They still want/will strive for that "ordinary little life in the street" - rather than "fate" deciding their life for them.
    New Year's Resolution already made -

    Don't get mad....get firm ...
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 16th Oct 17, 12:27 PM
    • 1,266 Posts
    • 1,873 Thanks
    pearl123
    There is a moral duty to care for the children's mental and physical health.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 16th Oct 17, 2:00 PM
    • 2,016 Posts
    • 5,533 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    There is a moral duty to care for the children's mental and physical health.
    Originally posted by pearl123
    Absolutely.

    These children are 4 and 5, they need their parents to put their needs first, way ahead of their own desires.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 16th Oct 17, 6:16 PM
    • 467 Posts
    • 926 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    A number of people are posting here with little understanding of MS. Firstly, there is a difference between progressive and relapsing-remitting.

    The latter mean that you go through episodes where the illness is affecting them to different degrees, but when they go in remission, they can live an almost completely normal life. Most people with MS start suffering from this type of MS. It then develops different for different people, some with have more regular relapses, but recover each time, some might go years without a relapse, but then be significantly affected by a bad one. Some will suffer from this type for many years, or always, whilst some will progress to progressive MS, which is when the illness is constant.

    Some people, like a family member of mine will live 20-30 years or longer with the illness, but with the new medicine available, manage to continue to live an independent life. My family member is 70 this year and still able to walk, albeit slowly and only for short distances. He continued to drive 20 years after diagnosis.

    However, for the minority of people affected with progressive MS from the inset, the affect of the illness is often a lot more severe. It is not possible to predict from the start how MS will evolve, however, considering 1 in 10 suffers start with LR MS, there is hope that they will be able to live an independent or semi-independent life for a while.

    This is what seem to have happen to OP's wife as he mentioned that she was ok for some time after giving birth (quite common for women with MS), unfortunately, it would seem that it then evolve to progressive MS quite quickly and severely.

    This would indicate that OP and his wife experienced feelings similar to grief (ie. the end of their lives as they had dreamed it and thought it at their reach) twice. The first time with the diagnosis, but then a hope that they could still achieve some if not most of the life they'd dreamed of, and then again when it they had to accept this wouldn't happen.

    Some people cope with accepting life has it's been handed to them better than others. Ambitious people, who are used to be in control of their destiny find it much harder as it goes against their nature. Successful people tend to fall into that category and I am suspecting that this what has driven OP to feel helpless and depressed. He could cope when he felt he was still able to cope up with ways to make it better, but then had to face the reality that things will never be better however much he dedicated himself to finding a way. It must have been especially tough as both OP and his wife were young when confronted with this. Added to the stress of normal life with a demanding job and young children, it is no surprise at all that OP is where he is in his state of mind currently.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I was certainly nodding in agreement with this paragraph - and would add that it's not just "ambitious" people that would find such situations a lot harder to deal with than many. Those of a more "determined"/perfectionist temperament - ie that have made up their minds what constitutes a normal life and will always be doing whatever they can to achieve that "normal" life - are likely to continue striving for it permanently at some level (even if it's not a "high-powered" life as a CEO of a large organisation or leader of a country - but just an "ordinary little life in the street" that is what they had in mind anyway). They still want/will strive for that "ordinary little life in the street" - rather than "fate" deciding their life for them.
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention
    Caring for somebody you love when they fall ill, whether parent, spouse or child, is pretty much part and parcel of ordinary life.
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