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  • FIRST POST
    • Westminster
    • By Westminster 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    • 808Posts
    • 497Thanks
    Westminster
    Considering separation from Disabled partner
    • #1
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:46 PM
    Considering separation from Disabled partner 7th Oct 17 at 4:46 PM
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Last edited by Westminster; 07-10-2017 at 4:54 PM.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a Board Guide on the following boards: Mortgages & Endowments, Mortgage-Free Wannabe, House Buying, Renting & Selling, Small Biz & Charities' MoneySaving and Charities.

    I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts on there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
Page 1
    • Westminster
    • By Westminster 7th Oct 17, 4:49 PM
    • 808 Posts
    • 497 Thanks
    Westminster
    • #2
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:49 PM
    • #2
    • 7th Oct 17, 4:49 PM
    Ive been contacting some agencies in the past couple of days so here is what I’ve sent to give a bit of background to my wife’s condition etc.

    Summary Information for Agencies
    My wife (35yo) was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis around 2003. She has been a full-time manual wheelchair user for many years.

    I have an irregular work schedule which takes me away from home which is why we require a carer.

    Our current live-in carer has given her notice so we are now looking for an external agency to provide live-in care support while I am away with work and potentially full time in the future.

    The issue of transfers is something I need to go over with my wife as I know she is very resistant to using aids.

    She is unable to transfer to/from her wheelchair so requires help with that. Currently we do this with standing transfers - however we realise that this is not the ‘official’ way of doing this. We recently received an Oxford hoist and I am investigating tracking hoists. She weighs approximately 62kg.

    She has a pronounced intention tremor and is unable to hold a drink or use cutlery so needs help to eat - although she can drink from a cup on the table using a straw.

    The carer will also need to prepare meals / drinks etc for my wife and children (2 boys aged 4&5).

    The children are very easy to deal with and go to bed by 18:45 and don’t get up for breakfast till 08:30 at the weekend.

    During the week the boys need dropping off / collecting at nearby school / preschool.

    We recently acquired 2 kittens so be aware of this for allergies etc and they will also need feeding.

    My wife takes some medication (tablets) so needs help taking those - although she will ask for them as and when she needs them.

    She is able to take care of herself once transferred to the toilet - she uses intermittent self-catheters.

    She has very limited lower body movement and when combined with intention tremor, she needs help getting dressed, brushing & clipping her hair back.

    We live in a large bungalow and the carer will have the use of her own large bedroom with ensuite bathroom.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a Board Guide on the following boards: Mortgages & Endowments, Mortgage-Free Wannabe, House Buying, Renting & Selling, Small Biz & Charities' MoneySaving and Charities.

    I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts on there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an inappropriate or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • LilElvis
    • By LilElvis 7th Oct 17, 5:28 PM
    • 3,126 Posts
    • 8,686 Thanks
    LilElvis
    • #3
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:28 PM
    • #3
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:28 PM
    For heavens sake please don't give her that letter! It's beyond hurtful.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 7th Oct 17, 5:36 PM
    • 2,846 Posts
    • 6,412 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    • #4
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:36 PM
    • #4
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:36 PM
    For heavens sake please don't give her that letter! It's beyond hurtful.
    Originally posted by LilElvis
    This in spades.

    If your wife is ill & presumably wasn't when you got together, then I'm not surprised she's possibly depressed as I doubt her life now is what she envisaged
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - the Argos Card!
    • toniq
    • By toniq 7th Oct 17, 5:51 PM
    • 27,920 Posts
    • 571,768 Thanks
    toniq
    • #5
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:51 PM
    • #5
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:51 PM
    So are the 4 and 5 year old boys going to be raised by a carer if there mum can't manage and you are away at work.

    Awful situation for wife and children.
    HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY!

    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 7th Oct 17, 5:59 PM
    • 15,226 Posts
    • 20,728 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    • #6
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:59 PM
    • #6
    • 7th Oct 17, 5:59 PM
    Hi all

    Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

    Background
    We have been married for 12 years.
    We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

    Draft letter to my wife
    I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

    Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

    I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

    I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

    While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

    I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

    Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

    The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

    I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

    I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

    I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

    I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

    Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

    I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

    I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.
    Originally posted by Westminster
    Wow. What a first class a-hole you come across as.

    Why not just write:

    Your disability is making my life tedious so I am leaving you to try and have a chance at meeting someone normal. Hopefully the kids will look after you.

    Is this post for real??
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 7th Oct 17, 6:05 PM
    • 16,985 Posts
    • 25,973 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    • #7
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:05 PM
    • #7
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:05 PM
    I can only hope this isn't real.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 7th Oct 17, 6:12 PM
    • 29,479 Posts
    • 55,126 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    • #8
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:12 PM
    • #8
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:12 PM
    Whilst I feel very sad about this situation, is it not possible that he IS feeling he can't cope with his wife's disability?

    Marriages have broken up for far less.

    However, the letter is very hurtful. Get some marriage counselling before making any decisions, and TALK to each other.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • thepurplepixie
    • By thepurplepixie 7th Oct 17, 6:32 PM
    • 667 Posts
    • 1,195 Thanks
    thepurplepixie
    • #9
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:32 PM
    • #9
    • 7th Oct 17, 6:32 PM
    So you can't cope with the situation but you will leave a 4 and 5 year old to cope? Your wife was already ill when you both decided to have those children, normally I think people are better off apart if it isn't working and that it is better for the children but this is not a normal situation and you owe it to the children to look after them, breezing in and out as suits your schedule isn't on.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 7th Oct 17, 6:33 PM
    • 439 Posts
    • 653 Thanks
    BBH123
    What a tragic situation all around .

    I can understand it from both sides, devestating for the wife who has been dealt a shocking blow but also devestating for the husband who has become a carer . No family life at all for anyone and maybe at 35+ it is too big an ask to expect the husband to give up his own life to this. Not everyone can cope with being a carer.

    I certainly wouldn't demonise someone for wanting a better life for themselves .

    The worst thing is that there is children involved.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 7th Oct 17, 6:35 PM
    • 1,023 Posts
    • 1,739 Thanks
    rach_k
    Don't send her all that. Stick to the fact that you are leaving and why, say that you want to see her happy and continue to support her and the children and that you wouldn't dream of separating her from them but that you hope you can work out something you're all happy with, once you've both had time to adjust to the idea of separation. Including all the practical stuff in the first letter makes it seem very cold and calculated, but I don't think that's what you are, so leave it out and just let her know that you will work it out later.
    • Ames
    • By Ames 7th Oct 17, 6:57 PM
    • 16,325 Posts
    • 28,591 Thanks
    Ames
    Asking for advice on how to end a relationship is one thing. Posting intimate details of someone's care needs - including toileting details - is quite another. You seem to be stripping her of what little dignity she has left.

    Expecting four and five year old children to become carers is also beyond the pale.

    I really hope she never finds out about this thread.

    I do, however, hope you leave her soon, for her sake.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.

    Reading the alphabet in 2017. 21/100
    ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    • lincroft1710
    • By lincroft1710 7th Oct 17, 7:31 PM
    • 9,719 Posts
    • 7,752 Thanks
    lincroft1710
    I can only hope this isn't real.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    The OP is a Board Guide!
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 7th Oct 17, 7:49 PM
    • 7,273 Posts
    • 15,621 Thanks
    kingfisherblue
    Few people expect to become carers to their partners, but is it fair to expect young children to become carers for their mother? You may be unhappy, but that's nothing compared to the life that you are expecting your children to have.

    You sound selfish. You talk about providing for your kids, but all you are doing is providing them with a life in which they are expected to be carers for their mother - and one isn't even old enough for school yet! How can they have any childhood? They will grow up far too soon. You, however, need to do some growing up yourself, and take responsibility for your children's lives. Expecting them to become young carers at such an early age is a totally selfish thing to do, and beyond understanding. You say that carers will come in and will take the children to/from school, but carers don't usually do that. It's time to step up and be a dad. If that means changing your career to give them the childhood that they deserve, then you should do that.

    It's hard enough for a child when their sibling is disabled, but so much more difficult for children whose parents have to rely on them for care.

    Don't send the letter. Grow a pair. If you can't be responsible for the sake of your wife, be responsible for the sake of your children.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Oct 17, 8:05 PM
    • 7,667 Posts
    • 25,788 Thanks
    Primrose
    I wonder how you would feel if the situation were reversed, you were the one with the MS and your wife was planning to clear off leacing you to care for two children aged only 4 and 5 years old. No of course you don,t want to be in this situation. Neither does she, but it,s what you signed up for.

    Get some joint counselling and talk together about how you as a family can move forward together in this very difficult situation.
    Receiving a letter like this could make your wife suicidal and then you would be left to care for your two children and won’t be able to escape from being a full time househusband. Are you prepared for virtually everybody you know to look on you as a first class S**T because this is of course what will happen.

    Incidentally I know a family in virtually the same situation as you with a wife with MS, a young child and a carer. They are pulling together and supporting each other and an example to everybody of family loyalty and duty. I,m sure they have had their bad times too but they would put you to shame. Man up and do the right thing. You have probably convinced yourself you,re doing all you can for your family but in reality you seem to be just clearing the decks so that that you can have your life back and clear your guilty conscience.
    Last edited by Primrose; 07-10-2017 at 8:08 PM.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 7th Oct 17, 8:12 PM
    • 60,242 Posts
    • 351,962 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    I think the OP's trying "to do the right thing". He's decided to leave and is at least working out the practicalities, rather than packing a bag and pinning a note saying "I've gone" on the fridge door....

    If the spark's gone, it's gone. If you're not the sort to "soldier on" and "settle for what you've got" and not the "soul mates/dress alike / do everything together" sort then nobody wins by trying to hold on.

    Indeed, her low current mood might be because she's already spotted that "he's going to bugg4h off and leave me soon isn't he".
    • Judi
    • By Judi 7th Oct 17, 8:38 PM
    • 15,155 Posts
    • 61,843 Thanks
    Judi
    and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career
    Well thats ok then.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 7th Oct 17, 8:42 PM
    • 16,985 Posts
    • 25,973 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    If the OP really feels he cannot live with his wife anymore he should at least change his job and care for the children. He is being so selfish and putting himself before them when they should be the priority and I do have experience in this area.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Jamiehelsinki
    • By Jamiehelsinki 7th Oct 17, 8:49 PM
    • 97 Posts
    • 145 Thanks
    Jamiehelsinki
    I can understand why you want out of your marriage, they do run their course that's life.

    What I struggle with is the fact you want to prioritise your career over your boys when they clearly need you to take care of them as their mum can't.

    I think you need a more child friendly career or reduce hours to give your boys the time they need from a parent.
    • McKneff
    • By McKneff 7th Oct 17, 8:53 PM
    • 35,559 Posts
    • 45,776 Thanks
    McKneff
    Wow...ffs man....
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
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