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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 5th Oct 17, 12:43 PM
    • 96Posts
    • 56Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay my ex's mum back?
    • #1
    • 5th Oct 17, 12:43 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay my ex's mum back? 5th Oct 17 at 12:43 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    I was in a long-term relationship that ended messily and haven’t seen my ex since. During the relationship, her mum (who’s pretty well-off) lent me around £1,000 for health-related expenses I couldn’t afford. When the relationship ended, I wasn’t well or in a good financial position, not least because my ex, who earned double what I did, owed me £300-400 she never gave me back. Nevertheless, I got in contact with her mum to repay the loan, but never heard back. I’m now in a better financial position – and healthier - and wonder if I should attempt to get in touch with my ex's mum again so I can pay her back. On the one hand, I feel I should let sleeping dogs lie, on the other, I still feel guilty as her mum was great and was really generous to lend me the money in the first place. I’d hate to think she has me labelled as a sponging deadbeat.

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

    If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

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Page 1
    • AnneMary
    • By AnneMary 11th Oct 17, 5:48 AM
    • 48 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    AnneMary
    • #2
    • 11th Oct 17, 5:48 AM
    • #2
    • 11th Oct 17, 5:48 AM
    Yes, you should get in touch with her mum because this isn't resolved for you and it bothers you. Good endings are important. I would suggest writing to your exes mum and saying more or less what you put in your question. Forget the bit about you ex owing you - this is not about her. Concentrate on the good bits about your past relationship with her mum - perhaps remembering a special memory and say how much you appreciated her generosity. Enclose a cheque -she can choose not to cash it.
    Even if you don't hear back, knowing that you have done the right thing will, I hope, close this chapter of your life well.
    • nimbo
    • By nimbo 11th Oct 17, 5:57 AM
    • 3,194 Posts
    • 8,847 Thanks
    nimbo
    • #3
    • 11th Oct 17, 5:57 AM
    • #3
    • 11th Oct 17, 5:57 AM
    What does this have to do with buying renting or selling a house?

    Stashbuster - 2014 98/100 - 2015 175/200 - 2016 501 / 500 2017 - 3 / 500
    • roubiliac
    • By roubiliac 11th Oct 17, 6:13 AM
    • 27 Posts
    • 22 Thanks
    roubiliac
    • #4
    • 11th Oct 17, 6:13 AM
    Pay it back!
    • #4
    • 11th Oct 17, 6:13 AM
    Even considering welching on your debt suggests you already are!
    • Davesnave
    • By Davesnave 11th Oct 17, 6:57 AM
    • 23,337 Posts
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    Davesnave
    • #5
    • 11th Oct 17, 6:57 AM
    • #5
    • 11th Oct 17, 6:57 AM
    This is surely for the Marriage and Relationships Forum.

    Here, it's a lot of legalish stuff rather than huggy-kissy advice.

    However, as the OP describes the money as a loan, it seems fairly obvious that it should be paid-back. One of the rare occasions where a cheque should do the trick, perhaps?
    'A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they'll never sit in.'
    • Kazt2006
    • By Kazt2006 11th Oct 17, 7:02 AM
    • 6 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    Kazt2006
    • #6
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:02 AM
    • #6
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:02 AM
    I would try and make contact again and if you can afford it, send a cheque for the whole amount. If she banks it great, issue complete, if not you tried and you can assume she doesn't want it back. Beware though cheques can be banked indefinitely, in practice most banks refuse them 6 months after they were first dated.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 11th Oct 17, 7:12 AM
    • 2,706 Posts
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    cjdavies
    • #7
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:12 AM
    • #7
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:12 AM
    What does this have to do with buying renting or selling a house?
    Originally posted by nimbo
    When unread it, I thought I could have sworn I had house buying and selling forum up, best suited for marriage and relationships forum.

    May as well answer it, send a cheque with a letter, up to them what they do to it.
    Last edited by cjdavies; 11-10-2017 at 7:22 AM.
    • gaving7095
    • By gaving7095 11th Oct 17, 7:17 AM
    • 135 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    gaving7095
    • #8
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:17 AM
    • #8
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:17 AM
    Even considering welching on your debt suggests you already are!
    Originally posted by roubiliac
    LOL I could not agree more with that ^^^^

    Of course pay it back. Sorry to say, I think the "Pay back what you owe" answer is very obvious and you'd have to be posting on another forum (spongingdeadbeats.com?) for any other advice!
    • A Frayed Knot
    • By A Frayed Knot 11th Oct 17, 7:38 AM
    • 2,127 Posts
    • 9,569 Thanks
    A Frayed Knot
    • #9
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:38 AM
    • #9
    • 11th Oct 17, 7:38 AM
    Pay it back, but not in cash, have a record somewhere of what and when you paid it back. A cheque would do, but do you really want to keep waiting the 6 months wondering if and when it is going to be cashed.

    It's not his mum's fault you split up, would have been slightly different if she had given to boyfriend and he gave it to you, not as a loan.


    You will feel much better once closure has been reached, and you will feel good about yourself, and as always karma will come your way. It's the right thing to do.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 11th Oct 17, 7:54 AM
    • 13,659 Posts
    • 37,139 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    To me the only question in my mind would be whether to pay it back minus the money the ex-girlfriend owed me (ie up to the ex to pay her mother back the money she owes you iyswim).

    On balance, I'd be inclined to pay the mother all the money back and chase the ex-girlfriend for what she owed me (cue for following "proper" process to get the money back from the ex and, if that didnt work - Facebook shaming on the ex of a nice/clear/objective "what happened" type statement of what she did - so that people can see what she's capable of and judge for themselves whether they still wish to know her).
    #MeToo
    • philfuller
    • By philfuller 11th Oct 17, 8:24 AM
    • 16 Posts
    • 26 Thanks
    philfuller
    get it sorted and move on
    hi there

    Suggest you write to her recorded delivery (presuming you have her address) saying you want to pay her back but she needs to confirm in writing she still wants it (by 3 weeks of date of letter).

    tell her if she doesn't want the cash you will donate it to a charity of your choice (who will also benefit from Gift Aid) and will post her the receipt

    Conscience clear one way or another. Then move on

    cheers Phil
    • Murphybear
    • By Murphybear 11th Oct 17, 8:24 AM
    • 3,190 Posts
    • 6,629 Thanks
    Murphybear
    Small point, lots of accounts don't have cheque facilities these days (I have 3 accounts with different banks and none have a cheque book)
    • Ian-RS
    • By Ian-RS 11th Oct 17, 8:38 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Ian-RS
    Pay it back. the amount of people I have given loans to and not got paid back, end up never speaking to them again. As you say you don't want to be labelled and after all she was good enough to give you the money in the first place
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 11th Oct 17, 8:45 AM
    • 22,615 Posts
    • 58,125 Thanks
    pollypenny
    Pay it back for your own pride. If you can't manage it in a single go, suggest instalments, such as a couple of hundred a month.

    Your ex is another issue.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • telsco
    • By telsco 11th Oct 17, 9:04 AM
    • 101 Posts
    • 428 Thanks
    telsco
    If you've ever watched Judge Rinder you'll know that unless there are written terms & conditions set out for the loan eg interest rate, how much and how often you need to pay bits back and also by what end date, there's nothing in law they can do to get it back from you. If that makes you happier then you've got no morals and congratulations.
    • angel549
    • By angel549 11th Oct 17, 9:29 AM
    • 49 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    angel549
    100% Yes. This has nothing to do with how you feel about your ex, the break up, or that the mum is well off. It comes down to the simple fact that she was kind to lend you money when you needed it and she put faith in you that you would pay her back. If you are a decent person, you should pay it back.
    • Davesnave
    • By Davesnave 11th Oct 17, 9:33 AM
    • 23,337 Posts
    • 88,953 Thanks
    Davesnave
    Not many of us here having a 'dilemma.'

    I'm disappointed at the thread title, as well as its placement.
    'A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they'll never sit in.'
    • Vinnievaxer
    • By Vinnievaxer 11th Oct 17, 9:48 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Vinnievaxer
    A loan is a loan
    Of course you should. Her financial well-being does not come into it. She was good enough to help you when you needed help, now repay that loan.
    • Greveson
    • By Greveson 11th Oct 17, 10:06 AM
    • 17 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    Greveson
    If you've ever watched Judge Rinder you'll know that unless there are written terms & conditions set out for the loan eg interest rate, how much and how often you need to pay bits back and also by what end date, there's nothing in law they can do to get it back from you. If that makes you happier then you've got no morals and congratulations.
    Originally posted by telsco
    Did you even read the post? At no point did they ask whether they could legally get away with it or act like they were rubbing their hands together at the prospect of not paying. They clearly said that they've already tried to pay it back and got no response. The dilemma is not whether or not they can get away with it; their dilemma is, considering they received no response previously, is it worth continuing to try and pay back or just assume they've cut ties and leave it.

    Do you people even read the post before you jump onto your judgmental high horses?
    • Big Ot
    • By Big Ot 11th Oct 17, 10:07 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Big Ot
    Lent or gave?
    If it was a loan, pay it back. If it was a gift don't pay it back.
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