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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 22nd Sep 17, 4:35 PM
    • 95Posts
    • 56Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my friends have paid for my hen do?
    • #1
    • 22nd Sep 17, 4:35 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my friends have paid for my hen do? 22nd Sep 17 at 4:35 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    I got married recently and was expecting my friends to chip in for my share of the hen do (as that's been the custom at ones I've been to in the past). They didn't though, and I feel very disappointed. I'm not planning to pay for their share now when they get married. Am I being unreasonable?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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Page 4
    • Guineapigsqueaks
    • By Guineapigsqueaks 30th Sep 17, 8:30 AM
    • 223 Posts
    • 2,355 Thanks
    Guineapigsqueaks
    The spend, spend, spend culture around hen dos, weddings, pregnancies, births is ridiculous nowadays. Baby showers! What are they all about? The adverse effect on people's financial position of all this madness, if it all stopped, there would be less debt, earlier payment of mortgages, more choice to spend your hard earned money how YOU want to, not how you feel obliged to, less clutter from all the stuff bought. There's nothing wrong with saying "those plans are too expensive for me, I won't be coming, but thank you for inviting me" or to focus the spare cash you do have on really close friends and family and say b*gg*r the rest. A few months after you've spent it, no-one remembers anyway. Or if they do, they feel obliged to do the same, and so the spending goes on. You can have a good life with good relationships in it without all this excess. Guineapigsqueaks x


    Keep Smiling
    • Sarastro
    • By Sarastro 30th Sep 17, 8:43 AM
    • 74 Posts
    • 54 Thanks
    Sarastro
    If I was invited to a party, I wouldn't expect to pay for it unless it had been discussed in advance. So if you didn't discuss it in advance, then it's not reasonable to expect people to know they should be contributing. What about your poorer hens who might not have been able to afford it?

    I think stag and hen parties have gone out of control, they all seem to be weekend / away things and really expensive.

    I've organised trips for people to the theatre and things and people have paid me for their tickets but that's clear because I didn't invite them to the theatre, I offered to organise it.
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 30th Sep 17, 8:53 AM
    • 2,612 Posts
    • 3,594 Thanks
    JReacher1
    It's your maid of honours fault. They should have dealt with this.

    Personally I would not have expected you to pay anything for your own hen do.
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 30th Sep 17, 12:18 PM
    • 4,993 Posts
    • 6,970 Thanks
    Kynthia
    Lots of comments on this thread about about people nowadays going over the top with expensive hen/stag parties and baby showers, etc. However lots of people don't and I think peoples views are skewed by the extremes they hear of. I have never been invited to anything more than a meal or night out for a hen party and the one exception was one night in a cheap Premier Inn with one booked activity that not everyone had to take part in. Even the meal out for that trip was a very affordable Toby Carvery. I've been to one baby shower which cost nothing to attend and where no-one expected a gift. Most gave the gift they would have later given after the baby was born so the parents didn't receive any 'extra' presents and laid out food and drink for everyone.

    One person I know, but not well enough to be invited to their hen party, wanted to organise a night out for hers. Her friends all suggested a weekend abroad as they wanted a girly weekend which doesn't really happen any more due to all having children.

    So sweeping statements I think are misleading.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • ptrichardson
    • By ptrichardson 30th Sep 17, 8:23 PM
    • 199 Posts
    • 65 Thanks
    ptrichardson
    To be honest, I felt like chipping in for everyone else to come to my stag weekend as I thought it was a lot expecting people to drop everything and spend 2 nights away.
    The idea of them paying my costs never occurred to me.
    • Lisbon
    • By Lisbon 30th Sep 17, 11:24 PM
    • 303 Posts
    • 294 Thanks
    Lisbon
    Couldn't be bothered to read all the replies to what appears to be the usual fabricated non-dilemma, but in case nobody else has said it: have you mentioned it to your friends or do you plan to spend the rest of your life fuming quietly over what might be nothing more than an oversight? Grow up!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Oct 17, 9:18 AM
    • 17,991 Posts
    • 45,851 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Lots of comments on this thread about about people nowadays going over the top with expensive hen/stag parties and baby showers, etc. However lots of people don't and I think peoples views are skewed by the extremes they hear of. I have never been invited to anything more than a meal or night out for a hen party and the one exception was one night in a cheap Premier Inn with one booked activity that not everyone had to take part in. Even the meal out for that trip was a very affordable Toby Carvery. I've been to one baby shower which cost nothing to attend and where no-one expected a gift. Most gave the gift they would have later given after the baby was born so the parents didn't receive any 'extra' presents and laid out food and drink for everyone.

    One person I know, but not well enough to be invited to their hen party, wanted to organise a night out for hers. Her friends all suggested a weekend abroad as they wanted a girly weekend which doesn't really happen any more due to all having children.

    So sweeping statements I think are misleading.
    Originally posted by Kynthia
    There's been lots of threads about stress over expensive hen/stag parties and weddings on here.

    My friend's daughter is currently abroad on a hen party that will probably end up costing her the best part of £1k in total.

    As a close friend of the bride-to-be she felt unable to decline the invitation.
    • tiger12345
    • By tiger12345 1st Oct 17, 5:40 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    tiger12345
    you have every right to be annoyed. not paying in future may make you look petty however especially if you're specifically asked
    • tiger12345
    • By tiger12345 1st Oct 17, 5:42 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    tiger12345
    other stag and hen parties may have gotten out of control but you don't know that this was the case with hers. for all you know could have been a meal and a few drinks.
    • JayD
    • By JayD 2nd Oct 17, 12:37 PM
    • 484 Posts
    • 301 Thanks
    JayD
    I think it is a matter for the bridesmaids and/or hens to discuss and agree on, prior to a hen do.

    I don't know if your bridesmaids/hens did this and decided not to pay for you, or if that is just how it panned out without any forethought - but either way that was always their choice and there may be financial circumstances dictating it.

    So, I suggest that when you are asked to attend one of their hen dos, maybe you can be the one to raise this option and discuss it with the other hens going, and get a consensus of opinion - rather than just deciding on a personal tit-for-tat action in advance.
    • Ebenezer_Screwj
    • By Ebenezer_Screwj 4th Oct 17, 5:49 PM
    • 403 Posts
    • 226 Thanks
    Ebenezer_Screwj
    Why shouldn't you pay for yourself?? Your friends have presumably already been put to expense themselves by attending this hen do.
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