Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Jennyrl
    • By Jennyrl 16th Sep 17, 2:14 PM
    • 2Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Jennyrl
    Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children.
    • #1
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:14 PM
    Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children. 16th Sep 17 at 2:14 PM
    Hi there.!

    I am desperately looking for some advice.!

    I have been with my partner for 8 years we have two children together aged 3 and 1. We are in the process of buying our first home together. Ignorantly we had not discussed ownership options until the solicitors paperwork came in.!

    As my partner is puting down the full deposit from his father's inheritence he feels he should protect this and in the event of a break up I should walk away with just my 50 % share of the equity. Therefore he favours option 3 tennants in common unequal shares.!

    I have to say I disagree with this. Our relationship has always been equal thus far. I currently work part time and look after the kids, supporting him to boost his career. I see no reason that our relationship and anything we chose to own together shouldn't be equal.

    I'm looking for the security that if feel I deserve having contriubuted thus far and plan to do so for the rest of my life. If we were married I don't think this would be an issue. Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong.!


    He thinks a good compromise would be to sign a tenancy in common unequal shares whereby he will write over 25% of the deposit to me on top of shared equity. The advice I have sought from all kinds of people in my life is that i should agree to no less than equal ownership. We are in a living and committed relationship. He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June. Something we have waited 8 years for. I don't see why I should wait another couple of years until we are married to feel secure.!

    Please please advice. We both want to go ahead with this purchase but we are struggling to agree what is right in terms of ownership. Complete loggerheads. It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.
Page 1
    • chesky
    • By chesky 16th Sep 17, 2:23 PM
    • 782 Posts
    • 1,075 Thanks
    chesky
    • #2
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:23 PM
    • #2
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:23 PM
    He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June.

    Have you divulged right back whether or not you're planning to accept?
    Do you both see this as him doing you some kind of favour?
    • *max*
    • By *max* 16th Sep 17, 2:34 PM
    • 2,800 Posts
    • 13,153 Thanks
    *max*
    • #3
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:34 PM
    • #3
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:34 PM
    This will probably be unpopular, but I'm with him. If I were in either of your positions, I wouldn't want to 1.potentially lose a lot of money to someone else in the event of a break up (and let's face it, it happens more often than we'd like to think!), but then 2. neither would I entertain demanding a share of my partner's inheritance that he used to benefit us both. A 50/50 shared equity is fair IMO.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 16th Sep 17, 2:41 PM
    • 28,247 Posts
    • 71,857 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #4
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:41 PM
    • #4
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:41 PM
    If we were married I don't think this would be an issue.

    Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong!

    He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June.

    Something we have waited 8 years for.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    But you're not married - if neither you nor he have felt committed enough get married so far, I can understand him wanting to protect his inheritance.

    If the inheritance was yours, would you honestly be prepared to risk losing half of it if the relationship broke down next year?
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 16th Sep 17, 3:09 PM
    • 28 Posts
    • 52 Thanks
    mattpaint
    • #5
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:09 PM
    • #5
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:09 PM
    Why do you feel you are entitled to the money his father worked his entire life for?
    • peachyprice
    • By peachyprice 16th Sep 17, 3:17 PM
    • 18,505 Posts
    • 42,459 Thanks
    peachyprice
    • #6
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:17 PM
    • #6
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:17 PM

    As my partner is puting down the full deposit from his father's inheritence he feels he should protect this and in the event of a break up I should walk away with just my 50 % share of the equity. Therefore he favours option 3 tennants in common unequal shares.!
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    Seems perfectly reasonable to me, it's the way my husband and I have things arranged, our deposit came from my previous house sale.
    Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear
    • maisie cat
    • By maisie cat 16th Sep 17, 3:20 PM
    • 223 Posts
    • 264 Thanks
    maisie cat
    • #7
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:20 PM
    • #7
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:20 PM
    I have to say that having put in more deposit in 2 previous relationships, and having had to split it equally when we split I would want the same thing.
    My now husband & I had different approaches before we met, I was virtually mortgage free while he had a 100% mortgage and a much larger pension. When we bought we documented the 90:10 equity split and are tenants in common.
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 16th Sep 17, 3:24 PM
    • 188 Posts
    • 223 Thanks
    copperclock
    • #8
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:24 PM
    • #8
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:24 PM

    He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June. Something we have waited 8 years for.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    So he's planning to plan to marry you? Why is he waiting until June?

    Is the deposit large?

    Edit: maybe you should consult a family solicitor on what is likely to happen if you break up with regards to who might stay in the house and who 'walks away' in the light of having young children.
    Last edited by copperclock; 16-09-2017 at 3:27 PM.
    • easilydistracted
    • By easilydistracted 16th Sep 17, 3:27 PM
    • 461 Posts
    • 503 Thanks
    easilydistracted
    • #9
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:27 PM
    • #9
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:27 PM
    I brought the deposit into my relationship and had a trust deed drawn up that I'd get it back if we split. Beyond that the house is 50-50. However we we'd not been together long in the grand scheme of things. 3 and a half years in I'm not sure the agreements still appropriate. He earns less and has a child to pay for so contributes a bit less but we are a family unit and he does a lot round the house. If it was 8 years in and two children I would be really unhappy at his idea! However it's a close and probably raw bereavement. Maybe you need some counselling to decide. It's the sort of thing that rots relationships!
    • selement
    • By selement 16th Sep 17, 5:06 PM
    • 334 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    selement
    Just to be awkward I'm going to disagree with what others have said a little. I earn more than my partner and my parents have helped us more financially but I split everything in half. We recently bought a hoise together but if never say it was 'my' deposit money it was in a shared account and so shared money. We get equal spending money each month and joint savings.
    It'll be a nightmare if we split granted but to really be a family with someone I think you should be willing to share everything
    Trying to lose weight (13.5lb to go)
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 16th Sep 17, 5:14 PM
    • 1,146 Posts
    • 4,150 Thanks
    lika_86
    I presume that his father wanted to see his son provided for either in a will or that the money has passed to your OH in intestacy (in which case is his mum no longer around either?). I'm sure if his dad had wanted you to be entitled to a share of the money then he had plenty of time to provide for that too. Why do you feel you are entitled to half of that money if you broke up? Why do you feel insecure without it?

    As it is, the money and your partner are facilitating the purchase of a home for you both and your children. You will have the benefit of that and half of a share in the equity after the deposit has been returned to your partner. You are not being hard done by here.
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 16th Sep 17, 5:55 PM
    • 2,592 Posts
    • 3,558 Thanks
    JReacher1
    How much are we talking here? If it's 10% deposit it probably doesn't matter. If it's 75% deposit it's probably more of an issue.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 16th Sep 17, 6:55 PM
    • 4,475 Posts
    • 6,043 Thanks
    74jax
    My husband inherited a huge amount, I have no idea exactly but around 700k before we were married.

    Didn't bother me in the slightest he wanted this protected.

    We don't have kids together though. Not sure if that matters.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • sulphate
    • By sulphate 16th Sep 17, 8:37 PM
    • 1,077 Posts
    • 3,163 Thanks
    sulphate
    I also wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. My husband inherited some money 3 years ago and we put it towards the house we have just moved into, the money is for us as a family, I was always brought up to believe that all family money is to be shared. We have a child, but we are married which I appreciate is a different situation. However, you are still a family! So I still think it should be equal. Presumably, if you were working full time without children you might have been able to save up more towards the deposit, it should be considered "fair" because of your role as main carer for your children. It's security for you and the children, because presumably you would not be able to afford a mortgage on a comparable property by yourself if he left you?

    That being said, I would probably compromise on 25% of the deposit plus 50% equity.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 16th Sep 17, 8:46 PM
    • 3,343 Posts
    • 7,376 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    It's security for you and the children, because presumably you would not be able to afford a mortgage on a comparable property by yourself if he left you?
    Originally posted by sulphate
    Or if she left him.

    Having been through a relationship with an unfaithful, grasping, hypocrite of a woman, the tennants is common approach is the only option I'd countenance unless the financial contribution was equal.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Sep 17, 9:23 PM
    • 2,592 Posts
    • 2,536 Thanks
    cjdavies
    If you can't do things 50/50 makes me wonder why be in relationship never mind purchase a house!

    People wonder why I prefer single life.


    Money is a funny thing, share my bed, live together have kids but money separate.
    Last edited by cjdavies; 16-09-2017 at 9:26 PM.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 16th Sep 17, 9:27 PM
    • 19,521 Posts
    • 31,536 Thanks
    Spendless
    I think you need to clairfy, is your OH saying that if you were to split up in the next few years then he would like his desposit back and a 50/50 split on equity.

    Or is he saying that 20-30 years into the future, when life can have thrown any number of complications at you (ill-health, redundancy, re-training etc) then in the event of a split he'd still want the deposit back?

    Scenario a is possibly fair enough, scenario b may not be.

    There's always the option of not buying a house until you are married if you feel this would be better security.
    • *max*
    • By *max* 16th Sep 17, 9:45 PM
    • 2,800 Posts
    • 13,153 Thanks
    *max*
    I think you need to clairfy, is your OH saying that if you were to split up in the next few years then he would like his desposit back and a 50/50 split on equity.

    Or is he saying that 20-30 years into the future, when life can have thrown any number of complications at you (ill-health, redundancy, re-training etc) then in the event of a split he'd still want the deposit back?

    Scenario a is possibly fair enough, scenario b may not be.

    There's always the option of not buying a house until you are married if you feel this would be better security.
    Originally posted by Spendless
    Scenario B would be a moot point anyway, if they have been married that whole time. His deposit would be part of the pot.

    It just strikes me as a "what is mine is mine, but what is yours is mine too" situation, especially with the addition of "I want security for me and MY (not our, note!) children.". Which is easy to say when you're not the one who's set to potentially lose tens of thousands if things go south.

    Edit: I have no idea if such a thing is even possible, but is there a way to make it legally enforceable to put the OP's "half" in the children's name, in the form of a trust (I know nothing about those, so firing in the dark here!), should they separate? That way the partner would know for certain that his inheritance would go to his children, and not his potential ex-wife to do with as she pleases? That might reassure him. It would me.
    Last edited by *max*; 16-09-2017 at 9:55 PM.
    • decbel
    • By decbel 16th Sep 17, 9:51 PM
    • 1,441 Posts
    • 1,520 Thanks
    decbel
    My partner owned her own house outright.

    I didn't have a pot to pee in.

    Didn't bother her in the slightest when we sold and bought after as joint tenants.

    Still together 18 years later with a 16 year old son who I might add scored his first senior football goal today.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 16th Sep 17, 11:22 PM
    • 7,011 Posts
    • 18,925 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    Ouch ouch ouch - this has Trust Issues stamped all over it. Not the financial sort either, but the "can I really let the person do this to me" ones.

    I'm presuming you were thinking of saying yes in two years? Well, these things take time to plan, so propose to him this weekend. And have the prenup ready sorted, saying that on matrimony, the tenants in common percentage is shifted to 50/50.

    If he's happy with that, you can relax into the interim arrangements, no? Both of you want certainty in a very uncertain process, just right now he has the assets. Nudge the playing field a bit - after all, you've come this far together and it might cheer up Dad to think of son settling down & it shortly being all paperworked in a way he's familiar with.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

113Posts Today

2,161Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • RT @iiSteveJonesii: @MartinSLewis After watching you talk this morning about me burning £300 I got on a comparison site tonight & sure enou?

  • In or near York? This Wed the @itvmlshow Roadshow" will be at the York Food & Drink Festival - do come and say hi; St Sampsons Square 11-4.

  • It's the subtle poetry and lyricism of tweets like this that I find so endearing https://t.co/XhSKBCGyXe

  • Follow Martin