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  • FIRST POST
    • Jennyrl
    • By Jennyrl 16th Sep 17, 2:00 PM
    • 2Posts
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    Jennyrl
    Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children.
    • #1
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:00 PM
    Buying a house with partner. He's paying deposit. We have 2 children. 16th Sep 17 at 2:00 PM
    Hi there.

    I am desperately looking for some advice.

    I have been with my partner for 8 years we have two children together aged 3 and 1. We are in the process of buying our first home together. Ignorantly we had not discussed ownership options until the solicitors paperwork came in.

    As my partner is puting down the full deposit from his father's inheritence he feels he should protect this and in the event of a break up I should walk away with just my 50 % share of the equity. Therefore he favours option 3 tennants in common unequal shares.

    I have to say I disagree with this. Our relationship has always been equal thus far. I currently work part time and look after the kids, supporting him to boost his career. I see no reason that our relationship and anything we chose to own together shouldn't be equal.

    I'm looking for the security that if feel I deserve having contriubuted thus far and plan to do so for the rest of my life. If we were married I don't think this would be an issue. Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong.


    He thinks a good compromise would be to sign a tenancy in common unequal shares whereby he will write over 25% of the deposit to me on top of shared equity. The advice I have sought from all kinds of people in my life is that i should agree to no less than equal ownership. We are in a living and committed relationship. He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June. Something we have waited 8 years for. I don't see why I should wait another couple of years until we are married to feel secure.

    Please please advice. We both want to go ahead with this purchase but we are struggling to agree what is right in terms of ownership. Complete loggerheads. It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.
Page 1
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 16th Sep 17, 2:25 PM
    • 2,747 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    • #2
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:25 PM
    • #2
    • 16th Sep 17, 2:25 PM
    It's quite sad that a person who was committed enough to having two children feels the need to 'protect' his inheritance.

    I don't know what percentage of this inheritance forms the deposit but I think I'd suggest to him that as you both have strong conflicting opinions then you either just take out a mortgage using whatever deposit you have minus the inheritance and go 50 : 50 on the house or you abandon the purchase all together.

    (Mind you he sounds like a romantic soul - not! - can't help feeling he's dangling the promise of the proposal, 9 months in the future, to keep you sweet over this issue)
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


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    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 16th Sep 17, 3:22 PM
    • 1,613 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    • #3
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:22 PM
    • #3
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:22 PM
    Why on earth are you not already married if you both want to be, you have two children and you are buying a house together?

    Get down the registry office and get it sorted!

    If he doesn't want to, I suppose that tells you something important about him.

    I think that you should be joint tenants personally, so that your children's home will be safe if anything were to happen to either of you.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 16th Sep 17, 3:23 PM
    • 35 Posts
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    HampshireH
    • #4
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:23 PM
    • #4
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:23 PM
    Is the whole deposit based on his inheritance? If so how are you going into this purchase as equals?

    If not and you are also contributing to the deposit by way of savings accrued then I can see why you are concerned.

    If the person he is inheriting from had wanted the inheritance to be equally split between you, you would both have received funds to combine.

    My partner and I will be buying soon. There will be a legal document (I believe this is a deed of trust? But I'm not at that stage yet to be fully researching) which states that if we ever have to sell up due to the relationship ending then we will receive back the amount we have each put in towards the deposit plus 50/50 on any equity. As it stands the deposit is all my savings (14 years worth) and none of his. However we will be contributing 50/50 to a paying a joint mortgage and any large household purchases.

    I can 100% see where your partner is coming from. It's far too common these days for someone to commit their life and be screwed over financially of everything they had by a bitter ex. (Not saying you would be but the original post implies you would expect half his deposit + equity should anything go wrong

    Might not be romantic but it makes good sense.

    If you cannot agree on this now may not be the time to buy
    • Prairie
    • By Prairie 16th Sep 17, 3:29 PM
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    Prairie
    • #5
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:29 PM
    • #5
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:29 PM
    I agree with the first poster . I've had friends in a similar situation with live in partners. You say you are in a committed relationship but it's clear that it's not one to him otherwise he would have proposed before these 8 long years. He doesn't want the financial risk of what might happen if things go wrong (true commitment would be taking on this risk) so he's committed to the kids, but not to you. Why would he dangle the prospect of a proposal now, which is conveniently after the house purchase would have gone through, when he would have known long before now whether he wanted to marry you or not? Sadly I doubt this marriage will happen anytime soon (if at all) because even if the house was held as tenants in common, in the event of a divorce it will just be a marital asset to be divided up as seen fit so what would be the point of him insisting on this tenants in common arrangement if he truly wanted to marry you soon? Such rights don't exist if you're simply cohabiting. In your shoes I would not be buying any house with him until a marriage (not just proposal) actually materialised. Currently he's getting all the benefits of a marital relationship without any commitment so he's desperate for this not to change.
    • alex_163163
    • By alex_163163 16th Sep 17, 3:32 PM
    • 178 Posts
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    alex_163163
    • #6
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:32 PM
    • #6
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:32 PM
    I have to slightly agree with your partner to be honest.
    Although we have no children so a different situation to yourself, my boyfriend and I bought a house this year with the majority of the deposit coming from me, and we have put a deed of trust in place to say that in the event of us splitting up and selling the house, I will get my deposit money back before any equity is then split 50:50.
    And if your partners deposit is coming solely from an inheritance, I can see it he would want to protect it. If something does breakdown in your relationship, then why should he have to split money that his father intended for his son? I have to say I do feel it is slightly different than if he had saved it just from his salary, as you say you have supported his career. That's just me though, and people have many different ideas of what is fair, so you will probably find many differing opinions on here. I hope you can work it out, and come to an agreement that you are both happy with.
    • EachPenny
    • By EachPenny 16th Sep 17, 3:42 PM
    • 2,077 Posts
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    EachPenny
    • #7
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:42 PM
    • #7
    • 16th Sep 17, 3:42 PM
    ...Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong....
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    "my kids"???? If things go wrong, what about the security of the kids if they live with and/or stay with their father? Would you be happy if a court decided the kids should live with him and therefore he gets to keep 100% of the house? Remember, you want to share equally.

    The advice I have sought from all kinds of people in my life is that i should agree to no less than equal ownership.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    I tend to agree. But if you and he cannot agree on this then the conclusion is obvious.

    I don't see why I should wait another couple of years until we are married to feel secure.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    If you don't feel 'secure' after 8 years and two kids then how do you think marriage will change anything? The main change it will make to your life is giving you both a very large bill if things go wrong in the future.

    It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    I don't think anyone (of either gender) who has been through divorce would agree with you. If it is an issue now then it will be a massive issue if things go wrong, and it sounds like it could be much more than a small possibility far down the line.

    I don't mean to be mean, and in the nicest way possible I'd suggest some of what you've said in your post - perhaps unconsciously - indicates more significant issues in your relationship. Having helped friends (with kids) deal with difficult divorces and the consequences I'd say the best thing to do before buying together would be to have some form of relationship therapy. There are signs that on both sides things are not where they should be. Dealing with that before buying and marrying will save you enormous heartache, stress and expense.

    But I do hope you are able to work through this and find a solution that you can both be happy with.
    "In the future, everyone will be rich for 15 minutes"
    • xylophone
    • By xylophone 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    • 22,864 Posts
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    xylophone
    • #8
    • 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    • #8
    • 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    Why should I be treated or have less security for my kids and I should things go wrong.
    My? Our children?

    Eight years, two children and no marriage?

    He has even divulged plans to propose to me in June.

    Why wait until June? Does he want to stand by your side in a garden while the roses are blooming?

    Get him along to a conservatory.......
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    • 2,571 Posts
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    cjdavies
    • #9
    • 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    • #9
    • 16th Sep 17, 5:07 PM
    If you can't do things 50/50 makes me wonder why be in relationship never mind purchase a house!

    People wonder why I prefer single life.
    • G_M
    • By G_M 16th Sep 17, 5:12 PM
    • 41,067 Posts
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    G_M
    Just get married then the whole debate becomes irrelevant.

    In the event of divorce, a financial settlement, including the property, will have to be agreed. Or imposed by a court.
    • 00ec25
    • By 00ec25 16th Sep 17, 5:22 PM
    • 4,760 Posts
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    00ec25
    Complete loggerheads. It's such a shame as all this hurt and upset at the most exciting time of our lives is over some small possibility things go wrong some time far down the line.
    Originally posted by Jennyrl
    so you are BOTH digging your respective heels in and arguing over money. Your relationship is what you should be looking at , not who gets what money.

    you feel "entitled" to "his" money because of what you have done to date, but you are not married so don't have a claim to it

    he, not unreasonably, see the inheritance as "his" money not something the "partnership" has a claim to

    one of you has to give way and give way in such a manner that the relationship survives. From the way you write it looks like this will not end well and will be an ongoing cause of resentment whoever "wins"
    • Tygermoth
    • By Tygermoth 16th Sep 17, 5:52 PM
    • 1,268 Posts
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    Tygermoth
    From an alternate view.

    My partner of 15 years (We have no desire to get married and very happy/secure) was given a shed load of cash to put towards the house - i feel it's fair should we split - that money should be his. As such the we have a legal doc to say he gets that back, whatever happens.

    This would go back to him even if we had chosen to get married. It was a gift to him he just happened to want to put it towards a house.
    Please note I have a cognitive disability - as such my wording can be a bit off, muddled, misspelt or in some cases i can miss out some words totally...
    • steampowered
    • By steampowered 16th Sep 17, 6:10 PM
    • 1,681 Posts
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    steampowered
    What you are asking for is for your partner to gift you a sum of money when you buy the house.

    If you decided to stay in rented accommodation, would you expect your partner to pay half the amount he saved into your account?

    If the answer to that is no, then I can see why your partner thinks he should get a share of the equity that matches the money he paid. I can see your partner's point.

    Remember that if you split and stayed with the kids, you would be entitled to child support.
    Last edited by steampowered; 16-09-2017 at 6:34 PM.
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 16th Sep 17, 6:23 PM
    • 1,790 Posts
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    comeandgo
    I agree with your partner, it's his money from inheritance. If the money had been saved when you were together then I could see your argument.
    • rosyw
    • By rosyw 16th Sep 17, 6:25 PM
    • 477 Posts
    • 743 Thanks
    rosyw
    Another point of view.

    A lot of people say get married, you don't HAVE to! I spent nearly 35 years with my partner, we had kids and grand kids,we never married because we were happy as we were.

    When we bought our 1st house it didn't matter to us who paid the deposit etc., we each contributed what we could and everything was in joint names. He brought in more money than me, but I looked after the kids so he could earn more. That was a fair split to us

    We both made wills to ensure the other got everything should one of us die,sadly he did, but we had it all covered.

    If you don't have that same sort of relationship, you'll struggle further down the line. You're not in a business partnership! So many people look at relationships as some sort of "business arrangement" these days, it's not! It's a simple commitment between two people who, in theory, love each other. Marriage doesn't have to come into it, commitment does.
    • Leo2020
    • By Leo2020 16th Sep 17, 6:53 PM
    • 886 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    Leo2020
    We bought our house unmarried with an unequal deposit split, he had more money saved up than me. We did not have an agreement made about the deposit.

    I currently don't work - two small children and he works full time. We married before having kids. It doesn't make sense me working because of childcare costs.

    But as I look after the home and kids it seems a fair split to both of us. And when they are older I will return to work but probably part-time.

    Nothing glad in stone as yet, but I might inherit some money potentially enough to pay off the mortgage.

    We have never been the sort of people to argue over money or over who earns what and how money should be split.

    I suspect, as others have posted, the idea of marriage is a carrot he his dangling. I think if you have the sort of relationship where you keep financial tabs then it says you are not in it for the long haul. Or he isn't should I say.

    It wouldn't occur to me to protect the inheritance I might get. We have been together 12 years.
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 16th Sep 17, 7:02 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 192 Thanks
    copperclock
    I agree with the above couple of posters: I think that he should view everything you have or get as shared, and you should too. That's just what would feel right to me.

    As I said in your other thread, I think that 'planning to propose in June' is a cop out. You don't plan to plan to marry. That said, I don't know your relationship; maybe there is some special reason to wait until then.
    • Lauralou79
    • By Lauralou79 16th Sep 17, 7:47 PM
    • 97 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    Lauralou79
    I can't believe the people that are claiming you should be married after 8 years. I've just bought a house with my partner of 6 years no plans for marriage tho I'm sure it'll happen when we get around to it. However it isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Plenty of marriages end due to the pressure of it all and plenty non married people have long standing relationships.
    I feel that the fact we've committed to a house purchase and mortgage has given us a good sign of commitment to each other!
    As for the original Poster it's a difficult situation and maybe more discussion is needed if both parties aren't completely happy with the scenario.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 16th Sep 17, 8:48 PM
    • 780 Posts
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    chesky
    I can understand people choosing to live together without being married. What I struggle to understand is people who say they want to and intend getting married but don't 'get round to it' despite managing to get round to buy houses, have children etc.
    • Winter Phoenix
    • By Winter Phoenix 16th Sep 17, 11:10 PM
    • 245 Posts
    • 1,319 Thanks
    Winter Phoenix
    OP, try looking at it from the other point of view.

    Say YOU put down a massive amount of money as deposit for a house. Five years down the line, your partner has an affair and walks out on you to live with a new woman. Would you cheerfully hand over half of that deposit money to him and his new lady?

    As to the 'he might propose to you' bit - if you want to get married, why don't you propose to him?
    e cineribus resurgam
    ("From the ashes I shall arise.")
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