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    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 1:42 PM
    • 187Posts
    • 123Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    Struggling to break away from my ex
    • #1
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:42 PM
    Struggling to break away from my ex 15th Sep 17 at 1:42 PM
    Hi all


    As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.


    My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility.


    My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.


    How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?


    WW
Page 2
    • SunnyCyprus
    • By SunnyCyprus 15th Sep 17, 9:28 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 150 Thanks
    SunnyCyprus
    WW, it is hard, but try thinking that every time you ask him for something, you give him POWER.
    Power to say "yes I can look after dd". Power to say "No, I can't have her"

    You are in charge of your life, not him. Xx
    If you want to do something, you will find a way.
    If you don't, then you will find an excuse...
    • Autumnella
    • By Autumnella 15th Sep 17, 10:03 PM
    • 426 Posts
    • 1,449 Thanks
    Autumnella
    It helps me to think "that's on his conscience" re things like paying for school uniforms, ect. Even though I know he's a spineless !!!! who probably doesn't even have one. Arguing over things like this, even when it's not about the money, is not worth the energy and you only end up winding yourself up.

    My ex is meant to pay £56 as per the CSA, but I agreed to just let him pay £40 as he claimed he couldn't afford to pay more and it wasn't worth my energy to drag it out, even though when I dropped the kids off at the weekend he had an arm full of fresh tattoos... but that's on his conscience.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 15th Sep 17, 10:37 PM
    • 940 Posts
    • 975 Thanks
    badmemory
    Every time you ask for anything & I do mean anything you are giving him control and every time he gives a less than agreeable answer he is taking yet more control. Every time he dictates what is going to happen he has taken yet more control. He is just a person that you wouldn't be giving 2 seconds thought to if he wasn't the father of your children.

    Of course if you really wanted to get him totally out of your life you could try telling him that they wanted to go and live with him.

    I suspect that you don't like losing, but maybe look at it another way - you have won your children, he is the loser & who wants to be stuck with a loser?
    • Katgrit
    • By Katgrit 16th Sep 17, 12:25 PM
    • 482 Posts
    • 1,292 Thanks
    Katgrit
    Don'ts have children so can't help with that, but here's the things that have helped me get over an @r$€ of an ex....

    A lot of these are probably very selfish, self centred, big headed and shallow of me, but hey its worked so who cares? If you never big yourself up enough then NOW is the time to do it! (I also went for councelling which helped me validate my feelings and tell me that I wasn't naughty or bigheaded for taking pride in my good points)

    When we split uo I told him that one of us would come out of it the better person and make a success of life, and one of us wouldn't. I wasn't going to let that latter person be me. I made mental notes of all the things I'd learnt through the relationship, small things where I knew I'd made mistakes, things I could have done differently and incidents where I knew I'd never let myself be treated that way again. This wasn't blaming myself but aknowledging that I can improve on things. I compared to how I knew he was so arrogant he learnt NOTHING from our break up, and will go onto future relationships and through the rest of his life making the same mistakes, and being the same arrogant @r$€. I got something positive out of the break up, he didn't.

    Since then I've concentrated on improving my self esteem. I've become much more outgoing and active. By that I don't mean I'm dancing on tablets in the local nightclub or rollerblading through the pedestrians town centre and rockclimbing on the weekends, just that I've practiced 'self compassion'...... I've learned to love myself and be kind to myself. There's no shame in spoiling yourself. By this I don't mean spending £600 on a handbag or having the weekend at a health spa in a fluffy dressing gown. I mean that today I'm sat in a really upmarket Whetherspoons, in a big comfy chair by the fire with my favourite paperback, drinking hot chocolate and pints of diet coke all morning. Sometimes I might stay till 4pm, 6pm, whatever. My mother, (and up til recently me) would see this is a scandalous waste of money because I'm not gaining anything from. But I am!! Spending money on being happy is not frivolous. I remind myself that my ex won't be doing anything constructive or nourishing to his soul, he'll be asleep in his pit after staying up til 2am playing that computer game where you drive round stealing cars and picking up prostitutes. I just know he won't be happy, fulfilled or satisfied in his life.

    I spend time with people who love me and appreciate my company. I've invited my friend, hubby and kids round for tea. I served loads of iceland curry microwave curry I heated up in a big pot. It I wasn't anything worthy of a mitchelin star but we laughed and chatted and they went home with full bellies (quote off my friend's son "Wow there's loads if sauce to drip naan bread in! Mum never does so much sauce. This is great!"). I had a party for Eurovision and invited round a liad if old friends who we all haven't seen each other for ages. I volunteered a few hours here and there at a food bank. Its taken a good while but I've convinced myself its NOT sad and pathetic to spend time with my parents, go out for coffee with them or have early breakfast with them on my day off work. As a result my relationship with them has improved. I remind myself how much he's missing out on because he used to LOVE going for a pint with my Dad. My parents showed a genuine interest in him and his job, helped him building his career. I know his own parents couldn't have cared less about this, he was brought up in a family who lived off benefits (not that there's anything wrong with claiming benefits if and when you need that support), had no motivation or work ethic and expected handouts and had total scroungers attitude to life. He really was blessed to have my family the way they all treated him. And that's all gone now for him. I remind myself that I have these lovely people round me who would do anything for anyone, and he doesn't. I recently came out of hospital after serious operation and one day I had 10 visitors on the ward. Ha ha ha a couple of them I'm not too keen on, but just knowing they were so worried about me has helped me appreciate what kind people they are. I'm a bit a loner, but having so many people visit made my heart swell that I am so loved. People I admire, people who came after a busy day at work, people with ill relatives, people with large families.....all took time out of their and paid extorsionate hospital parking fees because they think I'm lovely and decent and wanted to see ME. Knowing other people think I'm worth seeing made me feel special.......and I know he wouldn't have that. Daft I know, but just thinking that he won't have people like that, he won't have people thinking he's decent and good.

    This might all sound really b itchy and big headed but just reminding myself how I'm a better person then him has helped me in rooks. I don't think this would be enough by itself if I hadn't coupled it with the self love and self compassion..... I've just made sure I'm happy. I've spoiled myself, made the most of time and reminded myself I'm valuable, I'm worthy and I'm precious to people. You are so so precious to your sons, and wow I can't imagine being precious to anyone better!! You'll reap the benefits enormously, and he doesn't have all that. He's bitter and miserable, remind yourself that if he was happy he wouldn't be such an @r$€ to you and others. What a lot you have in your life compared to him in his miserable existance. You've just got to find things to feel smug about. Smugness isn't an attractive quality but in these circumstances its totally allowed and positively encouraged!!

    I don't expect I've helped much, a I've just waffled and no doubt come across as big headed. You're in s stage of grief almost, there's no wrong or right way to get over it, you'll go through ups and downs of recovery......its a journey. Don't be hard on yourself......you have a flipping Masters degree! Who got that? Who earned that? YOU DID!! Who got yourself out of bankrupcy? YOU did? Would have have done that if he'd be bankrupt? No!! Behind every successful woman is herself!! So go on girly, realise your worth, be kind to youself and find your reasons to be smug. It's difficult to feel bitterness to someone you can only pity. xxx
    Last edited by Katgrit; 16-09-2017 at 12:55 PM.
    • Katgrit
    • By Katgrit 16th Sep 17, 12:41 PM
    • 482 Posts
    • 1,292 Thanks
    Katgrit
    Just re-read that. My big long waffled could be summed up as follows:

    Be nice to yourself and remember that if a stranger was sorting out a bunch of people into groups they'd tell you to stand on the side of the room with the lovely people, and tell him to stand on the side of the room with the w@nk€®$.
    Last edited by Katgrit; 16-09-2017 at 12:43 PM.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 16th Sep 17, 9:12 PM
    • 187 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    Just re-read that. My big long waffled could be summed up as follows:

    Be nice to yourself and remember that if a stranger was sorting out a bunch of people into groups they'd tell you to stand on the side of the room with the lovely people, and tell him to stand on the side of the room with the w@nk€®$.
    Originally posted by Katgrit
    I appreciate the time you took to write your reply. I've read it a few times and it really rings true. I do need to start valuing myself and being happy with what I have achieved and the love I have for my girls. Nothing else is important.

    WW
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 16th Sep 17, 9:14 PM
    • 187 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    Every time you ask for anything & I do mean anything you are giving him control and every time he gives a less than agreeable answer he is taking yet more control. Every time he dictates what is going to happen he has taken yet more control. He is just a person that you wouldn't be giving 2 seconds thought to if he wasn't the father of your children.

    Of course if you really wanted to get him totally out of your life you could try telling him that they wanted to go and live with him.

    I suspect that you don't like losing, but maybe look at it another way - you have won your children, he is the loser & who wants to be stuck with a loser?
    Originally posted by badmemory

    You're right I don't like losing and I like to be in control and this is what is keeping me in this cycle. I need to give myself a slap to break free. He's just not worth it. Like you've said I have to stop asking - its the only way. I'm not very good at asking friends for help but I know they will if I ask.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 16th Sep 17, 9:16 PM
    • 187 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    It helps me to think "that's on his conscience" re things like paying for school uniforms, ect. Even though I know he's a spineless !!!! who probably doesn't even have one. Arguing over things like this, even when it's not about the money, is not worth the energy and you only end up winding yourself up.

    My ex is meant to pay £56 as per the CSA, but I agreed to just let him pay £40 as he claimed he couldn't afford to pay more and it wasn't worth my energy to drag it out, even though when I dropped the kids off at the weekend he had an arm full of fresh tattoos... but that's on his conscience.
    Originally posted by Autumnella
    Yes you're absolutely right. Its on his conscience and at the end of the day he's going to eventually lose his other daughter too but that's on him.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 16th Sep 17, 9:17 PM
    • 187 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    WW, it is hard, but try thinking that every time you ask him for something, you give him POWER.
    Power to say "yes I can look after dd". Power to say "No, I can't have her"

    You are in charge of your life, not him. Xx
    Originally posted by SunnyCyprus


    Yes, I've decided that needs to change. I've thought of it like that before but just seem to get sucked back in but no more.
    • sallysaver
    • By sallysaver 17th Sep 17, 9:50 AM
    • 723 Posts
    • 314 Thanks
    sallysaver
    Don'ts have children so can't help with that, but here's the things that have helped me get over an @r$€ of an ex....

    A lot of these are probably very selfish, self centred, big headed and shallow of me, but hey its worked so who cares? If you never big yourself up enough then NOW is the time to do it! (I also went for councelling which helped me validate my feelings and tell me that I wasn't naughty or bigheaded for taking pride in my good points)



    When we split uo I told him that one of us would come out of it the better person and make a success of life, and one of us wouldn't. I wasn't going to let that latter person be me. I made mental notes of all the things I'd learnt through the relationship, small things where I knew I'd made mistakes, things I could have done differently and incidents where I knew I'd never let myself be treated that way again. This wasn't blaming myself but aknowledging that I can improve on things. I compared to how I knew he was so arrogant he learnt NOTHING from our break up, and will go onto future relationships and through the rest of his life making the same mistakes, and being the same arrogant @r$€. I got something positive out of the break up, he didn't.

    Since then I've concentrated on improving my self esteem. I've become much more outgoing and active. By that I don't mean I'm dancing on tablets in the local nightclub or rollerblading through the pedestrians town centre and rockclimbing on the weekends, just that I've practiced 'self compassion'...... I've learned to love myself and be kind to myself. There's no shame in spoiling yourself. By this I don't mean spending £600 on a handbag or having the weekend at a health spa in a fluffy dressing gown. I mean that today I'm sat in a really upmarket Whetherspoons, in a big comfy chair by the fire with my favourite paperback, drinking hot chocolate and pints of diet coke all morning. Sometimes I might stay till 4pm, 6pm, whatever. My mother, (and up til recently me) would see this is a scandalous waste of money because I'm not gaining anything from. But I am!! Spending money on being happy is not frivolous. I remind myself that my ex won't be doing anything constructive or nourishing to his soul, he'll be asleep in his pit after staying up til 2am playing that computer game where you drive round stealing cars and picking up prostitutes. I just know he won't be happy, fulfilled or satisfied in his life.

    I spend time with people who love me and appreciate my company. I've invited my friend, hubby and kids round for tea. I served loads of iceland curry microwave curry I heated up in a big pot. It I wasn't anything worthy of a mitchelin star but we laughed and chatted and they went home with full bellies (quote off my friend's son "Wow there's loads if sauce to drip naan bread in! Mum never does so much sauce. This is great!"). I had a party for Eurovision and invited round a liad if old friends who we all haven't seen each other for ages. I volunteered a few hours here and there at a food bank. Its taken a good while but I've convinced myself its NOT sad and pathetic to spend time with my parents, go out for coffee with them or have early breakfast with them on my day off work. As a result my relationship with them has improved. I remind myself how much he's missing out on because he used to LOVE going for a pint with my Dad. My parents showed a genuine interest in him and his job, helped him building his career. I know his own parents couldn't have cared less about this, he was brought up in a family who lived off benefits (not that there's anything wrong with claiming benefits if and when you need that support), had no motivation or work ethic and expected handouts and had total scroungers attitude to life. He really was blessed to have my family the way they all treated him. And that's all gone now for him. I remind myself that I have these lovely people round me who would do anything for anyone, and he doesn't. I recently came out of hospital after serious operation and one day I had 10 visitors on the ward. Ha ha ha a couple of them I'm not too keen on, but just knowing they were so worried about me has helped me appreciate what kind people they are. I'm a bit a loner, but having so many people visit made my heart swell that I am so loved. People I admire, people who came after a busy day at work, people with ill relatives, people with large families.....all took time out of their and paid extorsionate hospital parking fees because they think I'm lovely and decent and wanted to see ME. Knowing other people think I'm worth seeing made me feel special.......and I know he wouldn't have that. Daft I know, but just thinking that he won't have people like that, he won't have people thinking he's decent and good.

    This might all sound really b itchy and big headed but just reminding myself how I'm a better person then him has helped me in rooks. I don't think this would be enough by itself if I hadn't coupled it with the self love and self compassion..... I've just made sure I'm happy. I've spoiled myself, made the most of time and reminded myself I'm valuable, I'm worthy and I'm precious to people. You are so so precious to your sons, and wow I can't imagine being precious to anyone better!! You'll reap the benefits enormously, and he doesn't have all that. He's bitter and miserable, remind yourself that if he was happy he wouldn't be such an @r$€ to you and others. What a lot you have in your life compared to him in his miserable existance. You've just got to find things to feel smug about. Smugness isn't an attractive quality but in these circumstances its totally allowed and positively encouraged!!

    I don't expect I've helped much, a I've just waffled and no doubt come across as big headed. You're in s stage of grief almost, there's no wrong or right way to get over it, you'll go through ups and downs of recovery......its a journey. Don't be hard on yourself......you have a flipping Masters degree! Who got that? Who earned that? YOU DID!! Who got yourself out of bankrupcy? YOU did? Would have have done that if he'd be bankrupt? No!! Behind every successful woman is herself!! So go on girly, realise your worth, be kind to youself and find your reasons to be smug. It's difficult to feel bitterness to someone you can only pity. xxx
    Originally posted by Katgrit
    Simply amazing. I hope the OP finds the strength to take on-board your views, just by taking one step at a time.
    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 17th Sep 17, 12:32 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 322 Thanks
    Sambella
    Well done OP for digging yourself out of the hole you were in in the past.

    Your ex is paying the rate that CMS has calculated and according to them this amount is fully inclusive.

    You then had/have your own demands (or wants) for extra fro uniforms etc. He does not have to pay these but can if he wishes to.

    You don’t like it when he doesn’t meet your demands which is perhaps the cause of some of your resentment. He doesn’t have to do what you ask which whilst sounding harsh it is the truth of the matter (morals aside)

    If you expect you will very often get let down.

    I never asked my ex for anything for the kids. He sent money for Xmas and birthdays because he wanted to not because I asked. I had no expectations of him so what he did do was appreciated even if it was not always what I would have considered enough. I did not feel that he should meet MY expectations and send amounts that satisfied ME.

    Very rarely was there any money sent between birthdays and Xmas and there was no child maintenance paid (he had other kids) I hold no resentment over this. It was what it was.

    Everyone is different but I found just accepting and letting go beneficial in the long run and the kids , now grown, are still in contact with their Dad.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 17th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    • 940 Posts
    • 975 Thanks
    badmemory



    Very rarely was there any money sent between birthdays and Xmas and there was no child maintenance paid (he had other kids) I hold no resentment over this. It was what it was.

    Everyone is different but I found just accepting and letting go beneficial in the long run and the kids , now grown, are still in contact with their Dad.
    Originally posted by Sambella
    And being accepting & letting go is a really good plan, it is certainly better for the one who has to deal with the day to day. If I hadn't let go I could never have dealt with the fall out.

    My ex never even sent a birthday card. He remarried very quickly & his new wife couldn't have children & couldn't bear to see mine because of that. He asked me to make sure my son had cards & presents & I of course agreed. I forged his signature from my sons 9th to 14th birthdays. Upon which my son said please stop, I know they are not from him, I know you are sending them. Saved me a fortune as I was actually paying more for his father's presents than for mine. He has had absolutely no contact with our son for 27 years. Any friends my son has had from age 12 believe his father is dead.

    My biggest problem in all this is that my son will not get into any real relationship because he is so worried that he will turn out like his father & his father before him.

    The best thing that happened to me was when I lost (for 4 years) any maintenance. That was really empowering. Financially worrying - there were no tax credits etc then. The idiot thought I wouldn't be able to track his directorships down, but frankly I felt too free to care.

    So all I can say is find something, anything which sets you free. Some men in this situation want you there on the sidelines of their life being needy. It feeds their ego. So ask yourself if you really want to be the reason this guy is puffing out his chest?
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