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    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 1:42 PM
    • 185Posts
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    WickedWitch123
    Struggling to break away from my ex
    • #1
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:42 PM
    Struggling to break away from my ex 15th Sep 17 at 1:42 PM
    Hi all


    As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.


    My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility.


    My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.


    How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?


    WW
Page 1
    • SeduLOUs
    • By SeduLOUs 15th Sep 17, 1:44 PM
    • 2,073 Posts
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    SeduLOUs
    • #2
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:44 PM
    • #2
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:44 PM
    Honestly I'm not sure you can - you will always be entangled in some way because of the kids.

    It's just one of a handful of reasons why at 33 I'm fairly convinced I don't ever want children.
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 15th Sep 17, 1:59 PM
    • 1,805 Posts
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    comeandgo
    • #3
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:59 PM
    • #3
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:59 PM
    I don't think it's healthy to keep thinking he abandoned you, that makes you into a victim. You are not a victim. Think what your success without him are. Don't expect anything from him and he won't disappoint.
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 15th Sep 17, 2:10 PM
    • 1,139 Posts
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    lika_86
    • #4
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:10 PM
    • #4
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:10 PM
    Isn't the child maintenance supposed to help pay for stuff like school uniform etc?

    It sounds like you don't 'have kids together', you have kids which are biologically yours and his. The benefits and enjoyment that you will get from your relationship are those which he will miss out on by not being in their lives and taking personal responsibility for. When your eldest gets married, who will be there by her side? You, not him (the youngest may yet go the same way). When they have children who will be there to enjoy grandchildren? You, not him.

    You need to focus on what you have now and in the future. Look forward, not back.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 2:19 PM
    • 185 Posts
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    WickedWitch123
    • #5
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:19 PM
    • #5
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:19 PM
    I don't think it's healthy to keep thinking he abandoned you, that makes you into a victim. You are not a victim. Think what your success without him are. Don't expect anything from him and he won't disappoint.




    Yes I think you're right but how do you stop yourself?
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 2:22 PM
    • 185 Posts
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    WickedWitch123
    • #6
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:22 PM
    • #6
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:22 PM
    Isn't the child maintenance supposed to help pay for stuff like school uniform etc?

    It sounds like you don't 'have kids together', you have kids which are biologically yours and his. The benefits and enjoyment that you will get from your relationship are those which he will miss out on by not being in their lives and taking personal responsibility for. When your eldest gets married, who will be there by her side? You, not him (the youngest may yet go the same way). When they have children who will be there to enjoy grandchildren? You, not him.

    You need to focus on what you have now and in the future. Look forward, not back.
    Originally posted by lika_86



    There's debate on both sides about what child maintenance is for but that's no really the issue - I think I use this as a bit of a stick to beat him.


    I'm trying so hard to think positively like you have suggested - it's really good advice but I just keep slipping back into victim mode. I'm really proud of what I have achieved despite him but its hard to keep that positivity.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 2:24 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    • #7
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:24 PM
    • #7
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:24 PM
    Honestly I'm not sure you can - you will always be entangled in some way because of the kids.

    It's just one of a handful of reasons why at 33 I'm fairly convinced I don't ever want children.
    Originally posted by SeduLOUs




    Yes I think you might be right which is a bit depressing.


    Kids are wonderful but I respect everyone's decision. Sometimes I can see a life without kids lol.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 15th Sep 17, 2:47 PM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #8
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:47 PM
    • #8
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:47 PM
    Hi all


    As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.


    My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance - is that the minimum or below? but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. - whilst I sympathise the amount is low, child maintenance is supposed to pay for this I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility. - Like you said, legally that's the amount. and presumably that's because he is on a low or limited income


    My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? - well that is nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Once you stop apportioning blame and take control of your life it will come easier I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.


    How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?


    WW
    Originally posted by WickedWitch123
    Well you don't, but you cope.


    Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until children are both adults
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 15th Sep 17, 2:49 PM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #9
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:49 PM
    • #9
    • 15th Sep 17, 2:49 PM
    There's debate on both sides about what child maintenance is for but that's no really the issue - I think I use this as a bit of a stick to beat him. - There may be debate, but only one is factually correct. That is that child maintenance is to cover ALL the responsibilities for the children of the NRP. You may like or wish there was more, but that is just what you'd like it to be.


    I'm trying so hard to think positively like you have suggested - it's really good advice but I just keep slipping back into victim mode. I'm really proud of what I have achieved despite him but its hard to keep that positivity.
    Originally posted by WickedWitch123

    Do you think he 'has it easy'?
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 3:06 PM
    • 185 Posts
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    WickedWitch123
    Do you think he 'has it easy'?
    Originally posted by Guest101
    Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate your bluntness because I know I need a kick up the bum and my friends are too polite to do it.

    I don't know if he has it easy but following your logic, it has nothing to do with me.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 15th Sep 17, 3:16 PM
    • 15,147 Posts
    • 14,752 Thanks
    Guest101
    Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate your bluntness because I know I need a kick up the bum and my friends are too polite to do it.

    I don't know if he has it easy but following your logic, it has nothing to do with me.
    Originally posted by WickedWitch123


    Apologies I wasn't clear, it's not. But I just meant that the feelings of resentment may stem from the fact that raising children on your own is hard, so you may feel he has it easy (whether factually accurate or not is often not relevant)


    Life is hard, and sometimes made harder by our own mistakes or the actions of others, but no-one said (or they shouldn't have done!) that it would be easy.


    The more you concentrate your energy on him the more you will realise one day that you are old and your life has been wasted. That realisation may not come for 20 years, but is that what you want?


    Two rules:
    Do the things you HAVE to do
    Do the things that make you HAPPY


    Everything else, don't do it.


    You have to work, or tidy, or cook, or whatever. But you don't have to even think about what he has or doesn't have, what he pays or doesn't pay.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 3:21 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    Apologies I wasn't clear, it's not. But I just meant that the feelings of resentment may stem from the fact that raising children on your own is hard, so you may feel he has it easy (whether factually accurate or not is often not relevant)


    Life is hard, and sometimes made harder by our own mistakes or the actions of others, but no-one said (or they shouldn't have done!) that it would be easy.


    The more you concentrate your energy on him the more you will realise one day that you are old and your life has been wasted. That realisation may not come for 20 years, but is that what you want?


    Two rules:
    Do the things you HAVE to do
    Do the things that make you HAPPY


    Everything else, don't do it.


    You have to work, or tidy, or cook, or whatever. But you don't have to even think about what he has or doesn't have, what he pays or doesn't pay.
    Originally posted by Guest101

    That's really good advice thank you. Its down to me at the end of the day. It's my decision to feel this way and only I can change it.
    • SunnyCyprus
    • By SunnyCyprus 15th Sep 17, 4:44 PM
    • 57 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    SunnyCyprus
    I used to hold so much bitterness against the ex. He now pays £15 a week decided by csa according to what he says he earns. This is for 2 children. He has not in 5 and a half years paid for anything on top of that. Shoes, school trips, etc.. nothing. I asked, and there was nothing but fighting. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.

    The only thing that helped me is reminding myself that although the kids think the sun shines out of his a hole, and they feel sorry for him because he can't afford to buy them dinner, (after I got csa involved he stopped giving them their tea on his night because he couldn't afford it as I had "bled him dry"), I have done everything for my kids. One day, when they are much older they will look back and see what he did. Or didn't do.
    There is nothing on this earth that will change him. He is selfish through to his core, and that is all.
    The only thing I can change are my thoughts. Instead of asking him for half towards this that and the other, I stopped asking. It stops the arguments. And it does stop my bitterness. It really does.

    All I did was stop asking him for things and got on with providing for the kids myself. What he does is entirely up to him.
    If you want to do something, you will find a way.
    If you don't, then you will find an excuse...
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Sep 17, 4:47 PM
    • 37,663 Posts
    • 33,976 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    You've done really well, but if telling yourself you've done really well hasn't helped you FEEL you've done really well, maybe it's time to see if you can access some counselling?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 1 shawl, 2 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure, 1 sock ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, t'other sock (just about to turn the heel!)
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 15th Sep 17, 5:51 PM
    • 685 Posts
    • 672 Thanks
    badmemory
    I hope you find your "freedom" moment soon. I had had a minor one and then I had a second one that triggered my freedom moment. When we were married I had been told off (yes I do mean that) for calling a TV repair man without asking him - this wasn't about money. 3 years after the divorce my video broke & my heart sank as I thought about having to ask to get it fixed. Suddenly the sun shone through & I realised that I could just pick it up & take it to be repaired.

    Of course, he still paid maintenance by cheque despite the legal agreement that he would pay me by SO, but I guess he liked the thought of me sitting there waiting for the post. Some exs do like to maintain control even though they have moved on.

    Have you thought about whether your ex is doing something like mine just to maintain control. How is he paying your maintenance? If he is doing it by manual transfer or by cheque this could be one of the reasons you are finding it difficult to break away.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 15th Sep 17, 6:21 PM
    • 1,186 Posts
    • 801 Thanks
    mark5
    £125x2 (your half/his half) +£80 child benefit = £330 plus possible child tax credits, does your 9 year old cost you that much more each month?
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 6:22 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    I used to hold so much bitterness against the ex. He now pays £15 a week decided by csa according to what he says he earns. This is for 2 children. He has not in 5 and a half years paid for anything on top of that. Shoes, school trips, etc.. nothing. I asked, and there was nothing but fighting. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.

    The only thing that helped me is reminding myself that although the kids think the sun shines out of his a hole, and they feel sorry for him because he can't afford to buy them dinner, (after I got csa involved he stopped giving them their tea on his night because he couldn't afford it as I had "bled him dry"), I have done everything for my kids. One day, when they are much older they will look back and see what he did. Or didn't do.
    There is nothing on this earth that will change him. He is selfish through to his core, and that is all.
    The only thing I can change are my thoughts. Instead of asking him for half towards this that and the other, I stopped asking. It stops the arguments. And it does stop my bitterness. It really does.

    All I did was stop asking him for things and got on with providing for the kids myself. What he does is entirely up to him.
    Originally posted by SunnyCyprus
    God it sounds like we were married to the same A hole!!

    This is exactly what i'm going to have to do. Its the only way. This is going to mean not asking him for ANYTHING. No help in the school holidays, no help if i'm late home from work/stuck in traffic etc. I've been thinking these things are ok to ask as she's his daughter too but it just keeps that link that I really need to break.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 6:24 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    £125x2 (your half/his half) +£80 child benefit = £330 plus possible child tax credits, does your 9 year old cost you that much more each month?
    Originally posted by mark5
    Sorry I don't understand your point and why £125 is my half? This isn't really about money to be honest.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 6:27 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    I hope you find your "freedom" moment soon. I had had a minor one and then I had a second one that triggered my freedom moment. When we were married I had been told off (yes I do mean that) for calling a TV repair man without asking him - this wasn't about money. 3 years after the divorce my video broke & my heart sank as I thought about having to ask to get it fixed. Suddenly the sun shone through & I realised that I could just pick it up & take it to be repaired.

    Of course, he still paid maintenance by cheque despite the legal agreement that he would pay me by SO, but I guess he liked the thought of me sitting there waiting for the post. Some exs do like to maintain control even though they have moved on.

    Have you thought about whether your ex is doing something like mine just to maintain control. How is he paying your maintenance? If he is doing it by manual transfer or by cheque this could be one of the reasons you are finding it difficult to break away.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    There is so much more going on and yes some power struggles but I guess what i'm trying to do is pull away from that and just concentrate on being the best mum I can. Whatever comes of the rest is out of my control. I just don't want to ruin my daughter's life with my bitterness.
    • WickedWitch123
    • By WickedWitch123 15th Sep 17, 6:29 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    WickedWitch123
    You've done really well, but if telling yourself you've done really well hasn't helped you FEEL you've done really well, maybe it's time to see if you can access some counselling?
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue

    I can see that I've done well (I've done a Masters degree in the last 5 years and set up my own consultancy business), but yes like you say I don't feel it at all. Counselling is a good idea too.
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