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    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 12:07 PM
    • 12Posts
    • 14Thanks
    forgetfullass
    married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore
    • #1
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:07 PM
    married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore 15th Sep 17 at 12:07 PM
    As the title says I have been married for a long time to a man who is addicted to alcohol. He has lost jobs, caused lots of financial hardship and stress and that's just the tip of the iceberg.


    I have lost friends, my confidence, its affected my mental health and got me in such a state that I cant cope with it no more. why stay so long? well he has been in rehab twice and stayed sober for periods and I know he does not want to be the person he is but at the same time he does it and I have had enough.

    He wont leave the house that we own. He hasn't paid a penny for 7 years and we have been there 12. I work in a pressured situation though seem to be able to split home and work. no one really knows what goes on. I know I need to leave him. its sad and im upset.
Page 2
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 15th Sep 17, 5:52 PM
    • 4,670 Posts
    • 7,428 Thanks
    Gavin83
    its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    Can you afford to buy him out?
    • Monika333
    • By Monika333 15th Sep 17, 6:36 PM
    • 21 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Monika333
    First of all, I'm sorry you have to go though all this. To live with an alcoholic is a difficult task. But he doesn't do anything, and he doesn't want to do anything, I think there is only one way for you. Of course, it is always sad when marriage comes to the end, but you have a right to be happy, have friends and have a loving man nearby.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 15th Sep 17, 6:57 PM
    • 1,356 Posts
    • 5,710 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    First of all, I'm sorry you have to go though all this. To live with an alcoholic is a difficult task. But he doesn't do anything, and he doesn't want to do anything, I think there is only one way for you. Of course, it is always sad when marriage comes to the end, but you have a right to be happy, have friends and have a loving man nearby.
    Originally posted by Monika333
    I almost agree. I agree with almost all of this.

    No one has a right to love. That leads to some scary behaviour - not least alcoholics thinking they have a right to a wife and her house.
    Downsized and mortgage free
    Nov17 grocery challenge £133.10/£150
    • easilydistracted
    • By easilydistracted 15th Sep 17, 10:22 PM
    • 461 Posts
    • 503 Thanks
    easilydistracted
    OP your commute sounds completely exhausting. Do you think in time you might want to move closer to work and be comfy in a smaller home of your own? It would be your place to do up however you like. You could buy somewhere you know he'd hate you might become closer to your work colleagues too. My father was/ is an alcoholic and never stopped even when he ruined all our lives with it. I left as soon as humanly possible. I'm sad my mother never escaped but she didn't compute it as an option. It is as caused my mother and I to have a distant relationship because she can't accept what happened. They have a nice posh house, I wouldn't swap for the world!
    • seren77
    • By seren77 17th Sep 17, 1:59 PM
    • 27 Posts
    • 50 Thanks
    seren77
    Hi
    Hi, I was in a similar position to you around 16 years ago. The problem wasn't totally alcoholism (or at least not to the same extent as yours is) but the emotional abuse that went with it. I went to Women's Aid on the quiet and as well as giving me loads of support, they referred me to a fantastic solicitor who deals with this type of case all the time. It was an incredibly stressful time, but worth it in the end. The police even offered me an immediate injunction against my husband based on emotional abuse - I decided not to take that as I thought it might make the problem worse, but at least it was offered and I had the choice. Hope you find a way of coping and the same level of help and support that I found.
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 17th Sep 17, 4:12 PM
    • 11,528 Posts
    • 8,665 Thanks
    unholyangel
    OP the thing you need to understand about alcoholics is that they blame the drink for how they behave etc but they still make the sober decision to drink knowing full well how they behave while drunk. They don't care though because its not them who have to deal with the effects of their drinking, its everyone else in their life who has to deal with it and its often soul destroying for those people as the frustration of watching someone they care about do that to themselves and being unable to stop them takes its toll.

    You can't force him to sort his life out. However you can sort yours out. If you jointly own the home, your home is already at risk. What if he runs up debts and you have to sell the house to pay them? You've been (if i understand your posts correctly anyway) paying the full mortgage despite not getting the full benefit of the mortgage.

    Personally, I'd be asking a solicitor at least about legal separation - if you're currently covering most/all of the bills, it should enable you to reduce his share of the equity (unless he starts paying his share - but either way, you'll be better off than you are now).
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 17th Sep 17, 4:27 PM
    • 680 Posts
    • 1,022 Thanks
    goodwithsaving
    A year ago I could have written your post, original poster. I was commuting horrendous hours, living with an alcoholic and really, really struggling. I couldn't see a way out. In the end, I had to bite the bullet. We sold our beautiful home, I bought somewhere else and he relocated. In the mean time, I struggled mentally having been through the mill for the past few years and packed in the stressful job and commute. I had a few months out, stayed with friends to get away from my 'normal life', found a job elsewhere and relocated - I am SO much happier. I am a new person. I still have problems with depression and the guilt I feel for leaving is insurmountable, every evening I recall him falling to the floor in tears when I asked to separate and it crushes me. To cause that much distress to someone isn't nice, but equally I was in tears every night because he was vile after a drink and kept me up until 2am (when I had to be up at 5am). I do still get overwhelmed, but my new colleagues are supportive and because I am rested, I can cope.
    I still care deeply for him and am terrified of getting into another relationship in case I go through hell again, but I am so glad I had the courage to get out. Sure I lost my house, but my sanity and wellbeing is worth far more.
    You only live once. Bite the bullet if you are that miserable, you'll be okay.
    Every time you borrow money, you’re robbing your future self. –Nathan W. Morris
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 18th Sep 17, 2:25 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    thanks for all the comments. I have read them all and mostly they make sense and have helped me to realise that I know all of this. I do. im not a stupid woman or even helpless. I have brought up my kids, paid off thousands of pounds in debt and hung onto the roof over our heads despite everything. I know he will never change and that I cant change him. I'm angry now about selling my house when I don't want to and feel why should I have too. its not about being a 'lovely house' its about it being my home that I have struggled to keep and paid for mostly on my own. on top of this I paid his secured loan when he defaulted in the first year of paying it. 9 years down the line its almost paid - I had no choice. why should he now walk away with 50% - £100K. I wont be able to buy and will have to rent. He will spend him money and then end up claiming HB. I know I shouldn't care but I have worked hard for this house and it makes me angry that I should have to do this.


    I don't give him money, I don't wash or cook for him in fact I hardly speak to him so I am not facilitating him - I have done in the past but no more. He uses his PIP money for booze.


    As I said before he is not physically abusive however there is times that I am scared of him. He gets angry and I leave for a few hours. Its no way to live and something needs to change. I need to change
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 18th Sep 17, 2:35 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    thanks for all the comments. I have read them all and mostly they make sense and have helped me to realise that I know all of this. I do. im not a stupid woman or even helpless. I have brought up my kids, paid off thousands of pounds in debt and hung onto the roof over our heads despite everything. I know he will never change and that I cant change him. I'm angry now about selling my house when I don't want to and feel why should I have too. its not about being a 'lovely house' its about it being my home that I have struggled to keep and paid for mostly on my own. on top of this I paid his secured loan when he defaulted in the first year of paying it. 9 years down the line its almost paid - I had no choice. why should he now walk away with 50% - £100K. I wont be able to buy and will have to rent. He will spend him money and then end up claiming HB. I know I shouldn't care but I have worked hard for this house and it makes me angry that I should have to do this.


    I don't give him money, I don't wash or cook for him in fact I hardly speak to him so I am not facilitating him - I have done in the past but no more. He uses his PIP money for booze.


    As I said before he is not physically abusive however there is times that I am scared of him. He gets angry and I leave for a few hours. Its no way to live and something needs to change. I need to change
    Originally posted by forgetfullass

    Because that's what you agreed and no amount of hurt feelings is going to change that.


    Don't dwell on it. Just move on.
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 18th Sep 17, 4:13 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    thanks again for the replies.


    I never agreed to anything other than getting into a mortgage with him years ago but then he agreed to pay and he hasn't.


    thanks for all the contribution's. I know what I have to do and I shall do it. not sure what I thought I would get from a forum but most of the comments have been helpful and need to get on with doing this. I am not going to sell my house. I am going to get him to leave one way of another - if he carried on it will be in a box!


    bowing out now


    thanks
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 18th Sep 17, 4:33 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    thanks again for the replies.


    I never agreed to anything other than getting into a mortgage with him years ago but then he agreed to pay and he hasn't.


    thanks for all the contribution's. I know what I have to do and I shall do it. not sure what I thought I would get from a forum but most of the comments have been helpful and need to get on with doing this. I am not going to sell my house. I am going to get him to leave one way of another - if he carried on it will be in a box!


    bowing out now


    thanks
    Originally posted by forgetfullass


    That is probably a bad idea....


    I think I can see why this relationship isn't working out.
    • easilydistracted
    • By easilydistracted 18th Sep 17, 8:38 PM
    • 461 Posts
    • 503 Thanks
    easilydistracted
    Depending on how bad his emotional abuse is you could get advice from Women's Aid about an occupation order. A counsellor told me a long time ago that even when you are perfectly academically intelligent that doesn't really help in these kinds of situations because they're emotion and not logic problems. Still makes a lot of sense
    • prosaver
    • By prosaver 18th Sep 17, 8:45 PM
    • 6,497 Posts
    • 5,084 Thanks
    prosaver
    hes drinking cause hes not happy with his life and the alcohol is a release for him.. been there
    “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
    ― George Bernard Shaw
    • Top Girl
    • By Top Girl 19th Sep 17, 9:38 AM
    • 1,094 Posts
    • 7,673 Thanks
    Top Girl
    I am not going to sell my house. I am going to get him to leave one way of another - if he carried on it will be in a box!

    thanks
    Originally posted by forgetfullass


    Then you'll have to buy him out. Unless you're planning on killing him. All the bravado in the world doesn't change that, I'm afraid.


    It's rubbish, but from what you've said, it seems a small price to pay to get shut of him.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 19th Sep 17, 10:31 AM
    • 9,796 Posts
    • 12,417 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I'm angry now about selling my house when I don't want to and feel why should I have too. its not about being a 'lovely house' its about it being my home that I have struggled to keep and paid for mostly on my own. on top of this I paid his secured loan when he defaulted in the first year of paying it. 9 years down the line its almost paid - I had no choice. why should he now walk away with 50% - £100K. I wont be able to buy and will have to rent. He will spend him money and then end up claiming HB. I know I shouldn't care but I have worked hard for this house and it makes me angry that I should have to do this.

    As I said before he is not physically abusive however there is times that I am scared of him. He gets angry and I leave for a few hours. Its no way to live and something needs to change. I need to change
    Originally posted by forgetfullass

    You will have another home. I still don't get why you're not angrier about the life you currently have. You're very bitter about the things you'll have to leave behind - yet you could be so much happier without most of it.


    We're all bitter about things we've had to give up. I had a huge 4 bed 4 storey house with my ex-husband and bought something almost half the size on my own when we divorced. Never been happier. (ADDING: What I mean is the bitterness doesn't last and is often misplaced!)


    He might not be physically abusive, but you still feel threatened and I bet you hide in bed pretending to be asleep hoping he'll leave you alone or to avoid a row, or avoid going out with him knowing he'll be sweetness and light to everyone else but horrible to you when you both walk through the front door. My BF has been there with his dad, as has my sister with her OH.
    Last edited by hazyjo; 19-09-2017 at 10:32 AM. Reason: Added the '(Adding...') line.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 19th Sep 17, 12:26 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    I am angry about the life I currently have and am trying to change it.


    anyway thanks for those who replied and lets leave it at this. I am not looking for sympathy. not really sure why I posted and realise that I shouldn't have bothered. I know what I have do and its not sitting around waiting for him to sort himself out as that's not going to happen.
    • ~Gabriel
    • By ~Gabriel 19th Sep 17, 12:49 PM
    • 53 Posts
    • 65 Thanks
    ~Gabriel
    You no longer have underage kids living with you so it's going to be more difficult to keep the house and throw him out, but you can try. Change the locks, etc and tell the Police you don't feel safe with him being in the house, with his drinking.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 19th Sep 17, 12:59 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    You no longer have underage kids living with you so it's going to be more difficult to keep the house and throw him out, but you can try. Change the locks, etc and tell the Police you don't feel safe with him being in the house, with his drinking.
    Originally posted by ~Gabriel
    ...get arrested....


    Excellent advice there.
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