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    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 12:07 PM
    • 12Posts
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    forgetfullass
    married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore
    • #1
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:07 PM
    married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore 15th Sep 17 at 12:07 PM
    As the title says I have been married for a long time to a man who is addicted to alcohol. He has lost jobs, caused lots of financial hardship and stress and that's just the tip of the iceberg.


    I have lost friends, my confidence, its affected my mental health and got me in such a state that I cant cope with it no more. why stay so long? well he has been in rehab twice and stayed sober for periods and I know he does not want to be the person he is but at the same time he does it and I have had enough.

    He wont leave the house that we own. He hasn't paid a penny for 7 years and we have been there 12. I work in a pressured situation though seem to be able to split home and work. no one really knows what goes on. I know I need to leave him. its sad and im upset.
Page 1
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 15th Sep 17, 12:16 PM
    • 217 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    copperclock
    • #2
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:16 PM
    • #2
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:16 PM
    Hi Forgetfullass. I didn't want to read and run. I have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic, but I have had family members who are/were so I have some understanding.

    Only you can decide if you are able to break up with him. It sounds like he has been a drinker for a long time and he may or may not get permanently sober, but you can't constantly live in the 'what if'. You have to be able to live your life now.

    With regards to him leaving the house, somebody who has a better legal understanding will hopefully come along soon, but I think you need to think hard about staying and making him leave. If the route you chose is to break up then there will come a point at which you will need to be very firm about it. Do you have children at home? If so, it's probably even more important to stay there and for him to leave.

    Have you got any friends or family who can support you through this time?
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 15th Sep 17, 12:17 PM
    • 3,873 Posts
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    Caroline_a
    • #3
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:17 PM
    • #3
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:17 PM
    Didn't want to read and run. You have my every sympathy, I've been in this situation, ended up selling the house, splitting everything and walking away. Do you own the house or is it rented? If it's rented I would find somewhere for you (and children?) and just walk. More difficult if it's owned. My ex saw the ££ signs with all the equity we had and happily sold.

    Have to say that when I moved out it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders!
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Sep 17, 12:27 PM
    • 37,819 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    • #4
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:27 PM
    • #4
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:27 PM
    You say he's been to rehab, but have you had any support, OP?

    You might find it helpful to go to Al-Anon. There's also Alateen if you have children of that age.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 2 shawls, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 1 seaman's hat ...
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    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    • 12 Posts
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    forgetfullass
    • #5
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    • #5
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    Thanks for taking the time to reply.


    Its difficult as I have hide all of this from people for a long time especially my family who don't live near. As for friends well they just say oh you know what he is like and no one would blame me if I left him. I lost two of my best friends. one of them had an affair with him some time ago during a spell of heavy drinking. he got sober. she moved on and I tried to forget it but haven't really. the other one got fed up with me not seeing her and putting up with him.


    We own the house. our boys have left home now so its just me and him. he drinks when he get up, drinks more, goes to bed, wakes up and repeat. I get up and commute every day for 90 mins each way to work and have done for years. I have struggled to bring up kids and pay the bills. got into debt which I am not seeing my way out off. he is lovely when sober and an idiot when drunk. been aggressive at times though I am not scared of him and no longer engage with any arguments.


    I don't want to sell my house. renting would be much more expensive. he left before for two years and when he got sober I let him return. I am coming to terms with the fact that he will never stay sober. im confused. when I'm angry I want him to go and when im sad I want him to sober up and be the person he was. I cover up for him, bought drink for him, told lies for him. I facilitated and enabled for years. I stopped this some time ago.


    this morning he said to me that I don't care about him etc. he wants me to say of course I do. poor me attitude and being a victim. actually I think I should feel sorry for myself
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #6
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    • #6
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:33 PM
    As the title says I have been married for a long time to a man who is addicted to alcohol. He has lost jobs, caused lots of financial hardship and stress and that's just the tip of the iceberg.


    I have lost friends, my confidence, its affected my mental health and got me in such a state that I cant cope with it no more. why stay so long? well he has been in rehab twice and stayed sober for periods and I know he does not want to be the person he is but at the same time he does it and I have had enough.

    He wont leave the house that we own. He hasn't paid a penny for 7 years and we have been there 12. I work in a pressured situation though seem to be able to split home and work. no one really knows what goes on. I know I need to leave him. its sad and im upset.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    realistically you're going to struggle to force him to, so make your own plans.
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 12:35 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    • #7
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:35 PM
    • #7
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:35 PM
    I am considering Al anon. so far I have found out the local group venue and time. just need to make the next move
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Sep 17, 12:55 PM
    • 37,819 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    • #8
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:55 PM
    • #8
    • 15th Sep 17, 12:55 PM
    I know it's hard, but do go to Al-Anon. I went to one meeting, to give a friend moral support, but honestly I think she'd have been fine on her own (and I felt a bit like an interloper!)

    And as for 'you don't care about me' - there are several possible answers to that, but few of them are suitable for MSE. "No, I don't care about you the way you are." "If I didn't care for you why the blankety-blank would I have stayed." "I can't care about someone who doesn't care about himself, and doesn't care about me." Just for starters. But you are right not to give in to the 'poor me' fishing expedition.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 2 shawls, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 1 seaman's hat ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, another seaman's hat
    • LutonGirl
    • By LutonGirl 15th Sep 17, 1:08 PM
    • 442 Posts
    • 837 Thanks
    LutonGirl
    • #9
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:08 PM
    • #9
    • 15th Sep 17, 1:08 PM
    Hi Forgetfullass. Your post could have been me, but 13 years ago. At the lowest ebb I looked ahead 10 years and thought to myself that I didn't want to be in the same situation, so I left.

    We'd been married for 14 years and that point, he'd been in and out of rehab/sobriety more times than the Hokey Cokey. Over that time he'd had counselling, interventions, AA, antabuse tablets and psychiatry. I'd had counselling, Al-Anon, you name it. I'd have tried witchcraft if I thought it would work, but to no effect. In the end I came within a hair's breadth of having him sectioned or committed - if I'd known how to do it. It had to be me or him and I still had half an ounce of fight, even if I had no self esteem.

    I walked away with a suitcase to my sister's house and it took every fibre of my body not to go back. He cajoled, he threatened, he was sweet, he was nasty, but I had to stand firm.

    We owned our property 50/50 so when push came to shove, it was relatively simple to split things. The house sold about a year after I left it. He stopped paying anything and cost me a lot of money BUT it was worth it in the end.

    Took me a further 6 years to pluck up the courage to divorce him. I was so low I couldn't face reliving the nightmares or have to tell a stranger what I'd been through. At the end of 6 years he'd met someone and wanted to remarry so he was quite amenable to do the paperwork (I had to pay). He even apologised to me for being a "sh*t" and that was all I wanted to hear.

    He remarried and is worse than ever. Wife No2 is at her wits end and his drinking has now escalated into violence, bankruptcy and a driving ban.

    Don't stay another 10 years. I stayed 5 years longer than I should have and it nearly killed me.

    I now have my own (smaller) home and a wonderful relationship with an awesome man. The horrors of the past are firmly in the past.
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 1:21 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    thank you everyone.


    I know I should walk away but I would need to keep paying the mortgage until its sold and its only 535 a month compared to 1000 I would pay in renting. its been really hard for me the last ten years. paying the bills and getting two kids through uni etc. its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home. he drinks the money. He currently survives on PIP. he had a job, good jobs and was very skilled. now he is a shell of what he was.


    It all very said and I wish it would change but I know it wont and im angry and tearful most of the time.


    my boys are lovely and supportive but I don't want to put it on them and one of them has just become a dad. that is really been my lifesaver.
    • rae123
    • By rae123 15th Sep 17, 1:45 PM
    • 46 Posts
    • 249 Thanks
    rae123
    I'm really sorry you're having to go through this forgetfullass.

    I can post this from the perspective of having an alcoholic father and know that no matter how hard you try, some people will never change. I was 13 years old when I made the decision to stop seeing my dad and have not seen him since - 8 years on.

    I can't provide you with anymore advice than the others who have posted above, but I can let you know that everyone, including your children, will be better off not having him in their lives.
    • andju6290
    • By andju6290 15th Sep 17, 1:47 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    andju6290
    Id recommend al-anon, it sends him a message that if he isnt going to do anything about it then you are, for yourself. It may prompt him into doing something, if you manage to build some relationships in al-anon, people who have been where you are, then you have support in then making decisions and taking action.

    Just go to a meeting, they have a website and are common across the country, and they have a helpline too. You dont have to do this alone !
    • forgetfullass
    • By forgetfullass 15th Sep 17, 2:49 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    forgetfullass
    I will go to the meeting. its on Tuesday night though I may try to find one sooner. weekends are the worse. I don't want to be at home and spend time with boys or friends but I really want to just relax in my own home.


    past two weeks I have spent sitting upstairs in my room every night. thankfully we have two spare rooms so he sleeps in another room.


    I work with really vulnerable people, most of whom have addictions or major health issues. I understand why addiction gets people and that a high percentage of people who abuse drugs or alcohol were abused, some sexually, as a child. but I also know that I have supported him in many ways, he has had so many chances. he is not going to change. he loves alcohol more then me and I have to look after myself now.


    words are easy though. I just need to action this.....
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 15th Sep 17, 4:33 PM
    • 37,819 Posts
    • 34,215 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    Yup. But can you hear yourself?

    I lost two of my best friends. one of them had an affair with him some time ago
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And that's not fair.

    the other one got fed up with me not seeing her and putting up with him.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And nor is that (on either of you).

    he drinks when he get up, drinks more, goes to bed, wakes up and repeat. I get up and commute every day for 90 mins each way to work and have done for years.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And nor is that.

    I have struggled to bring up kids and pay the bills. got into debt which I am not seeing my way out off. he is lovely when sober and an idiot when drunk.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And nor is that.

    I don't want to sell my house. renting would be much more expensive. he left before for two years and when he got sober I let him return.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And nor is that.

    I facilitated and enabled for years. I stopped this some time ago.
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    You stopped some of that some time ago. You're still enabling him. He doesn't have to work, he can keep drinking, you're still paying, and intending to pay, the mortgage without any input from him. It's not fair.


    this morning he said to me that I don't care about him etc. he wants me to say of course I do. poor me attitude and being a victim. actually I think I should feel sorry for myself
    Originally posted by forgetfullass
    And that's not fair either.

    Stop thinking about what's fair. Start thinking about what's right. Go to Al-Anon, see a solicitor, sell the house. (although when he sees you're serious, maybe he WILL leave.) Make your own lovely new home - without him.

    Is it fair? No. Is it right? I can't answer that for you, but equally I can't think of any reason why not ...
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 2 shawls, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 1 seaman's hat ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, another seaman's hat
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 15th Sep 17, 4:38 PM
    • 1,356 Posts
    • 5,709 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    It is never
    ever
    Ever
    EVER
    worth trading your self esteem for money

    (ever)
    Downsized and mortgage free
    Nov17 grocery challenge £133.10/£150
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 15th Sep 17, 5:01 PM
    • 1,228 Posts
    • 1,843 Thanks
    pearl123
    Tell him its make or break. Tell him you have hit rock bottom with the relationship. See if he is willing to make a change pre Xmas.
    How old is he?
    • Kit1
    • By Kit1 15th Sep 17, 5:09 PM
    • 267 Posts
    • 341 Thanks
    Kit1
    I'm really sorry you're having to go through this forgetfullass.

    I can post this from the perspective of having an alcoholic father and know that no matter how hard you try, some people will never change. I was 13 years old when I made the decision to stop seeing my dad and have not seen him since - 8 years on.

    I can't provide you with anymore advice than the others who have posted above, but I can let you know that everyone, including your children, will be better off not having him in their lives.
    Originally posted by rae123
    rae123 this could have been my post . I too had an alcoholic father who left home so many times when I was growing up it was unsettling and the arguments it caused as with me still to this day (they never go away).

    My dad did try to get help when l was young but it didn't change anything and he went back to drinking. It is just like any other drug and they will only stop if and when they want to. I didn't see my father for years after he finally walked out when l was at school without a word, l didn't know where he was or anything and that hurt too. It took many years before l would have anything to do with him, it wasn't easy but l did try. Eventually he did have to give up the drink for health reasons brought on by his drinking, so in many ways l think it was the shock of being told the next drink could kill him made him realise what his drinking was doing to him.

    I have every sympathy with you and hope that you find a way to get through this and have the life you and you children deserve. It is not easy living with an alcoholic, especially one who does not want to change. You need a life too, so be good to yourself. Good luck.
    Stash Busting Challenge 2016 6/52
    • Rosieandjim
    • By Rosieandjim 15th Sep 17, 5:15 PM
    • 83 Posts
    • 102 Thanks
    Rosieandjim
    I lived next door to an alcoholic and their partner for many years. It was like watching 2 trapped rats on a merry go round. The same scenario played out day in day out and was I thankful when able to move away from them.


    Don't waste another second of your life. I would rather sleep on the streets than listen to or live the horror that was their lives.
    • margi g
    • By margi g 15th Sep 17, 5:34 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    margi g
    SO sorry for you, Its his illness not yours. Dont let your life slip away with someone elses illness Dont live in regret. Make the break you deserve.One life so live it.
    Best wishes for a better future
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 15th Sep 17, 5:44 PM
    • 9,796 Posts
    • 12,417 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Do you have equity in the house? Can you get a mortgage alone?

    I can't believe you'd even contemplate staying with him just to have a nice house. (That's how it comes across.) Where's he getting the money from to drink? If you're subsidising it, which to a certain extent you must be, add that on top of the mortgage which is 'only' £500-odd. Rent somewhere cheaper/smaller. Or buy if poss.

    My sister is in the same boat. I am bashing my bloody head on a brick wall talking to her. She filmed one of his rages last weekend when he lost it when drunk - prob a year or so after promising it would never happen again and being very sheepish for a while. One of the kids (she's 18 next week) called the police.

    We're all meant to go round there next Wed like nothing happened.


    My BIL is a drinker, as was my ex-husband and my OH's dad. It's a very sad lonely path.


    I can't tell you what to do, and it I'm not sure you're quite ready to hear it anyway. By people not knowing, you're covering for him. I actually can't see a question in your post, are you just here to offload? Are you planning on leaving him and asking for help? You've said a lot of what you don't want to do/change.
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