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  • FIRST POST
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:00 PM
    • 9Posts
    • 16Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Bought a house, Really regret doing it.
    • #1
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:00 PM
    Bought a house, Really regret doing it. 13th Sep 17 at 3:00 PM
    Hello peeps,

    I be straight to the point.
    I'm a first time home owner with our new property, second time for my Partner. Moved from a Leasehold 1 bedroom flat, to a Brand New Freehold 3 bed detached house, only problem is we moved out of the area to get said house, and now I've come to the conclusion I just want to go back to our Home town, for a few reasons..

    Now I know people say that in time you will settle and adjust but here is the thing.

    On day one I regretted the move, realised I'd focused on the house but not things like where the house is (a quiet village) where I used to live in a Town (streetlights, people mooching about, more interaction with people).

    Now I know we all take time to adjust but it's been 4 months, I've literally stressed myself to the point of Anxiety attacks and I've not slept right since we moved. Every night I wake up on a knife edge, sweating, pounding heart and I cannot for the life of me get a decent nights sleep. I kept blaming various issues at the house, which on reflection aren't issues it's me simply trying to objectify my Anxiety into something which can be fixed.

    On top of this I didn't realise how much my journey is affecting my mental state either, it has doubled in time, and I need to take my partner to a local train station near my work and pick her up in the evenings as the travel cost from home is freakishly expensive considering the journey.

    I've explored the area and found we have a population of like 3,500 people tops and it's generally very, very quiet.

    I'm seeing the GP on Friday because i'm such a wreck and i'm trying to level myself out, and while my partner is being very supportive I had to admit yesterday that i'm not happy and I only see moving back to our old local as a way of re balancing my sanity. I hope the GP can sort me out but equally I'm not going to be on pills for the rest of my life rather than moving if moving will make the difference.

    Can anyone come in on this and tell me whether they have had Extreme Anxiety with Panic Attacks and Suicidal thoughts and got through it, or did you move back to where you felt more comfortable? I have a real mental health issue regarding this move and even if I get that sorted I can't say I am happy we did this.

    As I feel at the minute I need to level myself out, and look to move in the Spring even though it will only be 9-10 months since we bought and somehow offset the cost of moving again, selling anything I can and saving all spare cash as well to wards it.
Page 2
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Sep 17, 4:30 PM
    • 13,422 Posts
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    To me - another very relevant question is what age group you're in.

    My feeling is that you're still in a relatively young age group?

    If this is the case - then you are going to be living in that location for quite a substantial part of your life.

    The combination of the thought of a substantial part of your life living there coupled with the fact that I am guessing you are young enough to be able to "make up to yourselves financially" for some thousands of £s thrown down the drain on having two moves in quick succession would put you in a very different situation to someone with a lot shorter estimated lifespan to come and little chance to "make up" money wasted in moving to and fro.

    Sounds to me like you need a very good discussion with your partner and see how they feel about all of this and whether you are both "on the same page" about this.

    Sometimes people change how they feel about a change of location and can spend literally the first few years being pretty unhappy/unsettled about a different location - but then come to really like it and wouldnt move by choice.

    Other people will still visibly relax and start smiling the second they go back to a previous location even decades later (quick calculation of the person I'm thinking of being they moved to another location because of circumstances around 50 years ago - and they still smile/visibly relax when they go back to the previous one to this day).

    So - good discussion all round with your partner on their feelings and which of those 2 categories they think you personally come in (initial turning to ) or decades later haven't "got into it and never will".
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 4:35 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Sorry to hear you are unhappy. so me, quiet small village, detached house etc sounds perfect but then I have always hated busy places myself.

    You need to work out exactly what it is you don't like before you move, otherwise moving may not solve the issue.

    If you are like me, I used to hate commuting by car to work, I just can't stand crawling along in slow traffic endlessly every day. For that reason, when I looked to move, the actual journey from home to work was very important. Some lovely locations I turned down, because the journey would involve too much bad traffic.

    Also, at one point I had an informal arrangement with my boss, that I would start work early, and finish early, to avoid the worst of the traffic. Perhaps that might help?
    Originally posted by ProDave
    Duly noted for move time. I would love to do that, but my partner had to move her hours to make this work, and I have to be at my office at a certain time to see my staff off in morning, I can't change it unfortunately so i can't.
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 4:38 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    To me - another very relevant question is what age group you're in.

    My feeling is that you're still in a relatively young age group?

    If this is the case - then you are going to be living in that location for quite a substantial part of your life.

    The combination of the thought of a substantial part of your life living there coupled with the fact that I am guessing you are young enough to be able to "make up to yourselves financially" for some thousands of £s thrown down the drain on having two moves in quick succession would put you in a very different situation to someone with a lot shorter estimated lifespan to come and little chance to "make up" money wasted in moving to and fro.

    Sounds to me like you need a very good discussion with your partner and see how they feel about all of this and whether you are both "on the same page" about this.

    Sometimes people change how they feel about a change of location and can spend literally the first few years being pretty unhappy/unsettled about a different location - but then come to really like it and wouldnt move by choice.

    Other people will still visibly relax and start smiling the second they go back to a previous location even decades later (quick calculation of the person I'm thinking of being they moved to another location because of circumstances around 50 years ago - and they still smile/visibly relax when they go back to the previous one to this day).

    So - good discussion all round with your partner on their feelings and which of those 2 categories they think you personally come in (initial turning to ) or decades later haven't "got into it and never will".
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention

    Well i'm 33yr old and my partner is 32yr old. We have the time to correct this, As work is going well and should be growing by next year. I know what your saying about going back to some where familar but i'm not really talking about being a bit down in the dumps, i'm talking about uncontrollable crying, suicidal thoughts, and wanting to stay at my office instead of going home. Currently I just can't see this ever working.
    • ProDave
    • By ProDave 13th Sep 17, 5:02 PM
    • 270 Posts
    • 331 Thanks
    ProDave
    "i'm talking about uncontrollable crying, suicidal thoughts, and wanting to stay at my office instead of going home. Currently I just can't see this ever working."

    That makes me seriously question if it's the house or your partner you don't want to go back to?

    A test might be to rent a self catering holiday let in the town for a week, and see if you are really happy for that week, going "home" to your prefered location (and partner)
    • Bonniepurple
    • By Bonniepurple 13th Sep 17, 5:14 PM
    • 88 Posts
    • 103 Thanks
    Bonniepurple
    "i'm talking about uncontrollable crying, suicidal thoughts, and wanting to stay at my office instead of going home. Currently I just can't see this ever working."

    That makes me seriously question if it's the house or your partner you don't want to go back to?

    A test might be to rent a self catering holiday let in the town for a week, and see if you are really happy for that week, going "home" to your prefered location (and partner)
    Originally posted by ProDave
    This. It sounds as though you want different things. It's hard, settling in go a new community when you are working and commuting- but there will be things going on to meet people in the village. What has happened between seeing the house and now? Why did you disagree on other properties? Is the house actually not the problem?
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Sep 17, 5:20 PM
    • 13,422 Posts
    • 36,574 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    I'd throw into the mix that a week's self-catering holiday with partner might well be a good idea. At the least it gives you plenty of time to talk this over together.

    I'd be more inclined though to think in terms of picking a totally different location altogether for this week together. Still somewhere in Britain - so you haven't thrown into the mix being in a different country - but is quite specifically not either previous or current location.
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • Cheeseface
    • By Cheeseface 13th Sep 17, 6:11 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 370 Thanks
    Cheeseface
    Do you have a working carbon monoxide monitor?

    Exposure to low levels of carbon monoxide can lead to depression and anxiety. As you've never had any MH issues before and the only trigger is moving house, it maybe worth investigating too.

    http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/carbon-monoxide-poisoning/Pages/Introduction.aspx
    • xylophone
    • By xylophone 13th Sep 17, 6:21 PM
    • 22,864 Posts
    • 13,222 Thanks
    xylophone
    It seems to me that your first action should be to see your GP.


    The feelings you describe may result from the house move but in my experience, where a person is happy in his job and his personal relationships, even when living conditions are less than ideal, such a sense of unhappiness and dislocation is not common.
    • Cheeky_Monkey
    • By Cheeky_Monkey 13th Sep 17, 7:02 PM
    • 1,300 Posts
    • 2,471 Thanks
    Cheeky_Monkey
    Thanks to everyone understanding my health issues apart from that one person.
    Originally posted by LBT_UK
    I think you'll find that G_M is not the only one who thinks that your reaction is totally out of proportion to the problem of you not liking the village you have moved to
    • ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    • By ScorpiondeRooftrouser 13th Sep 17, 7:32 PM
    • 1,878 Posts
    • 2,801 Thanks
    ScorpiondeRooftrouser
    I have to agree with those other who have said this is not the correct place to discuss this. Wanting to kill yourself because you have bought a house in a village is not an appropriate reaction. That problem does not need to be posted in a housing forum, but in a mental health forum or much better, put to a doctor. Telling the OP that this is the case and recommending they go elsewhere is the only appropriate answer here.

    Even simply discussing this issue in terms of housing is harmful and reinforces the OP's inappropriate behaviour and reactions.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Sep 17, 7:46 PM
    • 13,422 Posts
    • 36,574 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    It is not a "mental health problem" to decide one has (possibly) made a mistake.

    Otherwise 99% of us would have mental health problems - as it's part of the human condition to make mistakes sometimes.

    I don't expect OP is finding it very helpful to be told they may be ill - when it doesnt look like that is the case at all.

    Context is sometimes the thing. Goodness knows most British women, for instance, would soon go off into a really low state if they woke up to find themselves moved overnight to Saudi Arabia for instance - and it would be a totally healthy/life-preservative thing to get upset about it and try and figure out how to get out. A British village isnt the same thing by any manner of means - but sometimes context is the problem and the only problem and its nothing to do with the person in that context. It just isn't a suitable location for them.
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • Rosieandjim
    • By Rosieandjim 13th Sep 17, 7:57 PM
    • 78 Posts
    • 98 Thanks
    Rosieandjim
    If you do decide to move back have you thought of exchanging with someone as this can work out a lot cheaper than traditional buying and selling. Friends of mine did this.


    You could advertise your house and see if whoever turns up to view has a property in the area that you want to go back to that you could exchange with. Ask local agents if they have had anyone from the area that you want to go back to if they have had anyone ask for your area.


    You sound like you are overwhelmed with the decision you have made and moving house is one of the most stressful things you can go through. The Samaritans are there for you to talk to in the interim until a GP can help. Things will change for the better.
    • Lshapedroom
    • By Lshapedroom 13th Sep 17, 8:10 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Lshapedroom
    I don't think there is anything wrong with you deciding that the house is not the right house for you, put it on the market asap. I hope you start feeling better soon.
    • sacha28
    • By sacha28 13th Sep 17, 8:24 PM
    • 748 Posts
    • 1,138 Thanks
    sacha28
    I very rarely disagree with G_M however, on this occasion, I must. Anxiety and depression are already stigmatised through society and can often go unnoticed, untreated and help not sought for this reason. The point of the original post was to ask if anybody else had felt the way the OP had due to moving locations (correct me if not, but that is how I read it). The OP has suffered suicidal ideations due to the huge change in their home environment so the GP is absolutely the right person to go to. Anyway -

    LBT - I could have written your post just over 3 years ago. I moved to a different county to take a new job. The location had been a dream of ours for some years, many an hour spent discussing how our lives would change if we ever got the chance to relocate, how happy we would be......the reality, for me, was very different. We had no friends, no family, my job didn't quite work out how I expected. I spent every day for the first year hoping my partner would suddenly announce that it was no longer working for him and that he wanted to move 'home', I would have gone back in a heartbeat. I was a townie by nature, born in a city, and we moved to a rural location with only one neighbour, plus we didn't factor in the need for a 2nd car so when either of us were working we were stuck at home with the nearest bus a 3 mile walk away. I had a 2 year old who took the move so much harder than I ever anticipated, it took 8 weeks to find a nursery and when we finally did his drop offs were traumatic!!! I felt much the same as you, waking up in a panic, sweating, I was constantly angry, cried A LOT (I'm not a crier!), ate too much and questionning EVERY. SINGLE. DAY wtf we had done.

    There is a happy ending to this story though. I stuck it out as I could never find the courage to tell my partner how I felt (because he took to our new life like a duck to water) and reasoned with myself that this was his dream too so I had to at least try so as to be fair, I gave myself a year and if I felt no different then I would have to lay it on the line and ask to go 'home'. 3 years later I am the happiest I have EVER been. I have a friendship and support network that outstrips anything I had in my previous town, my job sorted itself out (I realised that I may have been contributing to this due to my anxiety and depression) and I have just started my nurse training (sponsered) following a 2 year foundation degree (also sponsered) and I now realise that this would never have happened if I had returned 'home'. My son is also incredibly happy and has some fantastic friends, only yesterday he said he never wants to leave (no idea what prompted that!!)

    I hope you find a solution that works for you but I just wanted to show that there is hope!!! Good luck xx
    • pollyannaL
    • By pollyannaL 13th Sep 17, 8:27 PM
    • 113 Posts
    • 65 Thanks
    pollyannaL
    can i just add that you can contact the samaritans and they do a text service if you are ever feeling down/ depressed.

    It seems this move has been a trigger for something, maybe a previous event in your life that may have brought back some memories that you weren't really aware of but you have experienced?

    Well done for seeing the GP, just focus on your current emotional state rather than saying it's definately the house move. xx
    • G_M
    • By G_M 13th Sep 17, 9:03 PM
    • 41,065 Posts
    • 47,177 Thanks
    G_M
    Well, my post's been removed and my hand's been slapped. 2nd infraction in 40 thousand odd posts. If I suddenly disappear it'll be because I'll have committed my 3rd infraction (3 strikes and you're out).

    I agree my post was unsympathetic, and apologise for that. But on a housing forum one expects to see housing-related issues and questions.

    There was no constructive housing advice that could be offered in this case. Sympathy - yes. Medical/mental health advice - yes. But this is not a health forum and nor is it mumsnet

    OK - should have just ignored the thread and moved on to where my help could actually make a difference.

    Mea Culpa!
    • boliston
    • By boliston 13th Sep 17, 9:41 PM
    • 2,377 Posts
    • 1,948 Thanks
    boliston
    I don't think there is anything wrong with you deciding that the house is not the right house for you, put it on the market asap. I hope you start feeling better soon.
    Originally posted by Lshapedroom
    At least there are plenty of people who like the idea of a village house - i know my OH likes the idea of living in the country but it would be pure hell for me so we are living in a small town as a sort of compromise. She sometimes suggests places to move to in the same town but if I ever moved it would have to be a city as small town living is not ideal for me, but cities are far more expensive unfortunately.
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 13th Sep 17, 10:32 PM
    • 661 Posts
    • 754 Thanks
    zippygeorgeandben
    G_M I understood/stand where you are coming from. When I read debt free diaries I want to read about how much money people are saving with x, y, z tips and hints. Instead, I feel I'm eavesdropping on an episode of Loose Women. 'I'm just off to pick the kids off', 'I feel a bit down today'. 'Well done you for watering the garden.'
    End Sep 2016 End August 2017
    £8236.57 £4876.49
    (Tesco 4.8%) £222.61pcm
    £6185.75 £851.34 (Zopa 4.0%) £48.99pcm

    £5344.50
    £2890.04 (Sainsburys 0% until 06/19) £140pcm
    £2000.00 £1333.35 (Sister 0%) £133.33pcm

    Total debt
    £19.766.82 £11499.70 Original DFD May 2019.
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 14th Sep 17, 2:56 AM
    • 4,740 Posts
    • 6,675 Thanks
    deannatrois
    I agree with xylophone's post. Obviously the house is not making you happy.., but there's unhappy and seeing a reaction that needs a bit of help to deal with. It is worth either seeing a counsellor privately (would be quicker) or asking your GP to refer you for help. Sometimes GP services have counsellors come to the practice and you get 6 sessions to start giving you a hint as to what's going on.

    I can see a move is not going to be completely easy otherwise you wouldn't have moved to this area, and there may be some conflict going on in your head because your partner is quite happy with the situation. Of course, reacting like this once, makes it more likely to happen again and so on, the more stressed you are the more likely you are to have panic attacks so you need to start feeling you can bring it under control. Moving might do this.., but so might counselling.

    You could phone MIND and ask if there is a service you could use.

    I am a bit worried that you are rather vulnerable on here, while people haven't always put it 'kindly'.., we really can't help you figure this out, we don't have the expertise. Please phone MIND, find a counsellor and figure out why you are reacting this way. Perhaps they can help you decide what will resolve this situation. I think its possible there's more than a move to a place you don't like going on.

    It can be dealt with but you need to start making that journey. I am afraid I don't know much about anxiety etc.., although I do get that way sometimes because I am autistic, and have had problems with suicidal feelings because of a feeling 'I can't cope'. I would suggest reading about anything that seems to fit your situation, concentrating on how to deal with it.

    With me, I usually try to sustain myself by knowing that this is temporary, it will pass however bad it feels right now. I will feel better. Yes, it might return, but meanwhile I will concentrate on feeling more in control of my life (even if I can't immediately remove the thing that is making me feel overwhelmed). It is not all that is in my life. Its just a part of it.
    Last edited by deannatrois; 14-09-2017 at 3:15 AM.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 14th Sep 17, 6:52 AM
    • 13,422 Posts
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    moneyistooshorttomention

    With me, I usually try to sustain myself by knowing that this is temporary, it will pass however bad it feels right now. I will feel better. Yes, it might return, but meanwhile I will concentrate on feeling more in control of my life (even if I can't immediately remove the thing that is making me feel overwhelmed). It is not all that is in my life. Its just a part of it.
    Originally posted by deannatrois
    I tend to agree a lot with this.

    I'd also add that feelings may sometimes not be what they present themselves as iyswim. What is coming over as depression may be anger. Anger at feeling you can't afford "the next stage up" of housing in your previous area due to no fault/choice of your own. Hence feeling helpless and so the anger comes over as depression - maybe because you aren't as in control of your own life as you want.That may or may not be the case with you. Anger at being priced-out of previous area is entirely understandable and no need whatsoever to beat yourself up about feeling what most people that have had a forced move would feel (even if itsnt the same category as being a genuine refugee from a country one was perfectly okay in - until a war/regime change/etc disrupted it).

    I guess it may be helpful to establish that point - as to whether the depression is masked anger.

    Anger is a feeling that, imo, one can work with better and think of ways to deal with it.

    I still advocate looking for people in "your tribe" if you do decide to stay in current area.

    I still feel at your age - and with two incomes coming in and it sounds like you've got a reasonable level job - then the situation is resolvable by going back to previous town if your partner agrees with you (and that's the crunch point - as to how they feel on this). It would mean giving up the level of house you have and buying somewhere in between a leasehold flat you had and current house for you - but sounds like it could be doable.
    Last edited by moneyistooshorttomention; 14-09-2017 at 6:54 AM.
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
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