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  • FIRST POST
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:00 PM
    • 9Posts
    • 16Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Bought a house, Really regret doing it.
    • #1
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:00 PM
    Bought a house, Really regret doing it. 13th Sep 17 at 3:00 PM
    Hello peeps,

    I be straight to the point.
    I'm a first time home owner with our new property, second time for my Partner. Moved from a Leasehold 1 bedroom flat, to a Brand New Freehold 3 bed detached house, only problem is we moved out of the area to get said house, and now I've come to the conclusion I just want to go back to our Home town, for a few reasons..

    Now I know people say that in time you will settle and adjust but here is the thing.

    On day one I regretted the move, realised I'd focused on the house but not things like where the house is (a quiet village) where I used to live in a Town (streetlights, people mooching about, more interaction with people).

    Now I know we all take time to adjust but it's been 4 months, I've literally stressed myself to the point of Anxiety attacks and I've not slept right since we moved. Every night I wake up on a knife edge, sweating, pounding heart and I cannot for the life of me get a decent nights sleep. I kept blaming various issues at the house, which on reflection aren't issues it's me simply trying to objectify my Anxiety into something which can be fixed.

    On top of this I didn't realise how much my journey is affecting my mental state either, it has doubled in time, and I need to take my partner to a local train station near my work and pick her up in the evenings as the travel cost from home is freakishly expensive considering the journey.

    I've explored the area and found we have a population of like 3,500 people tops and it's generally very, very quiet.

    I'm seeing the GP on Friday because i'm such a wreck and i'm trying to level myself out, and while my partner is being very supportive I had to admit yesterday that i'm not happy and I only see moving back to our old local as a way of re balancing my sanity. I hope the GP can sort me out but equally I'm not going to be on pills for the rest of my life rather than moving if moving will make the difference.

    Can anyone come in on this and tell me whether they have had Extreme Anxiety with Panic Attacks and Suicidal thoughts and got through it, or did you move back to where you felt more comfortable? I have a real mental health issue regarding this move and even if I get that sorted I can't say I am happy we did this.

    As I feel at the minute I need to level myself out, and look to move in the Spring even though it will only be 9-10 months since we bought and somehow offset the cost of moving again, selling anything I can and saving all spare cash as well to wards it.
Page 1
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Sep 17, 3:12 PM
    • 13,907 Posts
    • 37,835 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    • #2
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:12 PM
    • #2
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:12 PM
    1. How near is your home town and how much bigger is it than "new location"? So - are you able to go back for social events/day shopping trips/etc or is it that far away that you'd feel the need to stay one or more nights in order to have a visit back?

    2. How do the finances stack up generally re moving back? If you did move back - what level of accommodation would you have? how much would what I call "swopover costs" come to?

    3. Is "new location" still the same part of the country - and so the difference boils down to smaller, ie rather than having a rather different "feel" to it generally iyswim?

    4. In a smaller place then, by definition, whatever you personally are like/what interests you have/etc there are going to be fewer people in "your tribe" (ie like-minded interests/way of thinking/etc). A place of that size has probably got a lot fewer of "your tribe" there - but it's big enough there should be a few (if not as many as you are used to) and have you found any of them yet?
    Last edited by moneyistooshorttomention; 13-09-2017 at 3:14 PM.
    #MeToo

    Why should our needs override the needs of all other living species? What makes us so special? (Brigit Strawbridge)
    • Chappers27
    • By Chappers27 13th Sep 17, 3:21 PM
    • 54 Posts
    • 57 Thanks
    Chappers27
    • #3
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:21 PM
    • #3
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:21 PM
    If your partner is sympathetic then sell up and move back. Nothing should stand in the way of quality of life.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    • 15,285 Posts
    • 38,370 Thanks
    elsien
    • #4
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    • #4
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    What does your partner feel about moving back?
    After all, there must have been a reason you both chose the location that you did, and you knew before moving that it was going to be a much quieter location, from visiting and doing your homework? Didn't you?
    So what's changed about the reasons that took the both of you there? Are you sure the attacks are to do with the move and not with anything else going on with your life? Have you had mental health issues in the past? I suppose I'm wondering what if you move again but still feel unwell?
    Last edited by elsien; 13-09-2017 at 3:28 PM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • rae123
    • By rae123 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    • 46 Posts
    • 252 Thanks
    rae123
    • #5
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    • #5
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:25 PM
    If your partner is sympathetic then sell up and move back. Nothing should stand in the way of quality of life.
    Originally posted by Chappers27
    I agree, if you can financially move back then do it. Speak to your partner about how truly upset you are and I'm sure they'll also want to move in a heartbeat.
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:31 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    • #6
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:31 PM
    • #6
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:31 PM
    1. How near is your home town and how much bigger is it than "new location"? So - are you able to go back for social events/day shopping trips/etc or is it that far away that you'd feel the need to stay one or more nights in order to have a visit back?

    2. How do the finances stack up generally re moving back? If you did move back - what level of accommodation would you have? how much would what I call "swopover costs" come to?

    3. Is "new location" still the same part of the country - and so the difference boils down to smaller, ie rather than having a rather different "feel" to it generally iyswim?

    4. In a smaller place then, by definition, whatever you personally are like/what interests you have/etc there are going to be fewer people in "your tribe" (ie like-minded interests/way of thinking/etc). A place of that size has probably got a lot fewer of "your tribe" there - but it's big enough there should be a few (if not as many as you are used to) and have you found any of them yet?
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention
    1. We can go back but it's a 45 min journey and because of work I could only do it at a weekend. We can visit but I want to stay there, I have no desire to drive home afterwards. It's probably 10x bigger than the village I currently reside in.

    2. Moving back would be the usual fees, stamp duty, solicitor fees, removals, etc. 20-25K I could see us buying a semi/end of terrace with 2-3 bedrooms, I've already looked to selling my car and dumping all financials I have into the pot to leave. Being optimistic 15K towards the move.

    3. It's a case of I felt really dumb moving on D day and have felt since Depressed and Anxious all the time with any decisions being beyond my mental capacity, I originally blamed the house, but I don't like the Dark, Quiet, Lack of population, local town being a 15-20 min drive and missing being in town rather than living in a village outside the fringe.

    4. The village is very quiet with little to no one walking about the village, the only lively place is the local restaurant / pub but it's not somewhere people hang out, it's an events venue for weddings etc.. My interests are.... different I'm not into football, sports etc. I'm a big online gaming player which makes people wonder why I don't like the village, but honestly I prefer the bussel of town/city life, seeing people and generally noticing people living there lives, where I am I see my next door neighbour and not a lot else.
    • Ithaca
    • By Ithaca 13th Sep 17, 3:37 PM
    • 219 Posts
    • 232 Thanks
    Ithaca
    • #7
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:37 PM
    • #7
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:37 PM
    Speaking with your GP is the right thing to do. You've already noted that you may be projecting other fears and anxieties onto the house and the move, so there could be some other underlying issues that you will need to sort out (even if you did move back "home" it might not resolve the other stuff).

    In terms of the social life worries, there's usually plenty of social stuff happening in villages, esp. one with 3,500 people, it's just less likely to be casual interaction on the street and more organised clubs and societies.

    The village I grew up in was around the same size but it had sports clubs (football, tennis, rugby, badminton etc), music groups / choirs, amateur dramatics, Scouts / Guides, ramblers, reading groups, allotments, churches, humanist groups etc etc. But you might have to actively seek these things out, and even if they might not seem to be your cup of tea to start with they can still help you build friendships with people.

    e.g. I'm a mediocre tennis player, but when we moved to our current town I joined the tennis club and went along to some of the casual open-to-all evening sessions. I now have a regular poker game with the husbands of some of the ladies I played against, and another group of friends who I go cycling with, as well as a separate circle I play tennis with.

    Also, do you and/or your partner have the option to work from home 1-2 days a week, which might cut down some of the stress of commuting?
    • csgohan4
    • By csgohan4 13th Sep 17, 3:38 PM
    • 3,957 Posts
    • 2,464 Thanks
    csgohan4
    • #8
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:38 PM
    • #8
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:38 PM
    Perhaps this thread belongs somewhere else@


    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=81


    the health section, this section is about buying, selling and renting, not the mental issues in between


    We are neither your GP nor psychiatrists, go see a professional, we can not do anything for you here, be it counselling or medications
    "It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land"
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:40 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    • #9
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:40 PM
    • #9
    • 13th Sep 17, 3:40 PM
    What does your partner feel about moving back?
    After all, there must have been a reason you both chose the location that you did, and you knew before moving that it was going to be a much quieter location, from visiting and doing your homework? Didn't you?
    So what's changed about the reasons that took the both of you there? Are you sure the attacks are to do with the move and not with anything else going on with your life? Have you had mental health issues in the past? I suppose I'm wondering what if you move again but still feel unwell?
    Originally posted by elsien
    We chose the house as from the outset it seemed ideal.

    Brand new
    Detached
    3 Bed
    Checked the crimerate etc.
    Knew it was localish to the town.
    Journey to work (tested it on two occasions) seemed fine.
    We looked into the local Electricity pylon and saw no issues with it (some suggest there not good for you)

    Honestly I thought it would all work out and my partner liked it too, the first house we saw eye to eye on.

    Regarding outside reasons, I work for a family business and we have a great relationship with no real stresses and we all support each other, other than my change in home life nothing else has changed nor am I aware of other outside stresses.

    I'm usually extremely collected, a very logical thinker who doesn't stress about anything due to the way I see things. This is the first time i've suffered from any mental health issue, and it has come out of no where to my knowledge.

    I agree I know moving back could change nothing, but as soon as I consider moving back to somewhere I know I feel far better and if I could click my fingers and live back somewhere I've lived before I would.
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:41 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Thanks to everyone understanding my health issues apart from that one person.
    • Chappers27
    • By Chappers27 13th Sep 17, 3:41 PM
    • 54 Posts
    • 57 Thanks
    Chappers27
    Perhaps this thread belongs somewhere else@


    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=81


    the health section, this section is about buying, selling and renting, not the mental issues in between


    We are neither your GP nor psychiatrists, go see a professional, we can not do anything for you here, be it counselling or medications
    Originally posted by csgohan4
    Some people are harsh. Jeez.
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 3:45 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Speaking with your GP is the right thing to do. You've already noted that you may be projecting other fears and anxieties onto the house and the move, so there could be some other underlying issues that you will need to sort out (even if you did move back "home" it might not resolve the other stuff).

    In terms of the social life worries, there's usually plenty of social stuff happening in villages, esp. one with 3,500 people, it's just less likely to be casual interaction on the street and more organised clubs and societies.

    The village I grew up in was around the same size but it had sports clubs (football, tennis, rugby, badminton etc), music groups / choirs, amateur dramatics, Scouts / Guides, ramblers, reading groups, allotments, churches, humanist groups etc etc. But you might have to actively seek these things out, and even if they might not seem to be your cup of tea to start with they can still help you build friendships with people.

    e.g. I'm a mediocre tennis player, but when we moved to our current town I joined the tennis club and went along to some of the casual open-to-all evening sessions. I now have a regular poker game with the husbands of some of the ladies I played against, and another group of friends who I go cycling with, as well as a separate circle I play tennis with.

    Also, do you and/or your partner have the option to work from home 1-2 days a week, which might cut down some of the stress of commuting?
    Originally posted by Ithaca
    Thank you for the Advice, I will look into the village life, maybe I do feel isolated, but I just feel very distressed at the house and only settle when I visit my father who is currently living with his GF.

    If I spend anytime at the house on my own I tend to cry without any cause and I can't stop. While staying at home to avoid the commute is a valid Idea the concept of being there on my own is horrifying and would increase my partners travel costs which wouldn't be good.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 13th Sep 17, 3:51 PM
    • 15,285 Posts
    • 38,370 Thanks
    elsien
    If I spend anytime at the house on my own I tend to cry without any cause and I can't stop. While staying at home to avoid the commute is a valid Idea the concept of being there on my own is horrifying and would increase my partners travel costs which wouldn't be good.
    Originally posted by LBT_UK
    I would suggest that there's more going in here than the house from the reaction you're having, and that a visit to the GP should be your starting point. After all, even if you and your partner do decide to move again, it's going to take some time and you can't carry on like this while you wait to sell and buy again, which is stressful enough as it is.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • HouseBuyer77
    • By HouseBuyer77 13th Sep 17, 3:57 PM
    • 908 Posts
    • 893 Thanks
    HouseBuyer77
    Not much to add but I'd recommend checking out www.sleepio.com. It's a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) based course for helping with sleep. It helped me a great deal when I had anxiety related sleep issues (waking up every night, feeling very stressed and on edge unable to get back to sleep).
    • csgohan4
    • By csgohan4 13th Sep 17, 4:01 PM
    • 3,957 Posts
    • 2,464 Thanks
    csgohan4
    Some people are harsh. Jeez.
    Originally posted by Chappers27


    Harsh but true. Are you qualified to counselling or to recognise and treat mental health, or perhaps know which SSRI to prescribe and being aware of the side effects the individual person can tolerate.


    Mumsnet this section is not. There are other sections of this forum if you want to find that kind of support.


    If you want talk about section 21 and 8 or eviction processes on here, then that is appropriate for this section. Otherwise why have specific different sections?


    http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/mental-health-emergencies.aspx
    Last edited by csgohan4; 13-09-2017 at 4:05 PM.
    "It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land"
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 4:05 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    I would suggest that there's more going in here than the house from the reaction you're having, and that a visit to the GP should be your starting point. After all, even if you and your partner do decide to move again, it's going to take some time and you can't carry on like this while you wait to sell and buy again, which is stressful enough as it is.
    Originally posted by elsien
    Exactly, I don't really understand myself, but as soon as the house completed, I has relieved and immediately dread hit me square in the chest. Since then I have moved from one point of blame in the house to another without any real cause for concern. Anything that was an issue the builder or myself have addressed so i'm now out of things to point my finger at and thats what made me realise its not any problems I have with the house but either an underlying issue or the house or my life style.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 13th Sep 17, 4:09 PM
    • 9,796 Posts
    • 12,420 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I ended up hating my last house - well, not so much the house as the bad luck I had in it. Literally as soon as my ex and I offered, his dad got ill (cancer), my dad had cancer again - both sadly died, my cat died, lots of other crap happened which I can't face listing, but it was just traumatic. I ended up moving in with a bloke round the corner (my ex had a new GF too) in his grotty one bed flat to avoid being in my lovely 4 bed, 4 storey forever-house which I thought I was going to love. We lived like students/squatters and I didn't care, I was happy.


    I (with my BF) moved back to near the area I'd come from. I wouldn't say I missed it, but it certainly felt like home when I went back.


    I vote for an honest discussion with your OH with a view to selling. It's a long time to still blame homesickness or other issues. Sometimes the house just isn't right and there's no way of explaining why. It totally affects your mental 'balance' - I know only too well. Perhaps you have OCD like me (the word 'balance' often crops up), although I'm now on my 8th move and haven't really felt it before.


    Good luck. Keep us informed.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 13th Sep 17, 4:11 PM
    • 13,907 Posts
    • 37,835 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    It sounds to me like it's centring round the location. In that case - it's entirely logical to have this thread on the housing sub-forum.

    Even people who pride themselves on being a logical thinker still usually have some feelings/emotions (most inconvenient as they sometimes are....).

    I'm actually borrowing the words "my tribe" from a married couple I knew some years back - from him explaining to me that they were moving back to where they had come from (city to smaller place in Wales) because they had decided to be back with "their tribe". No mental health problems that I could see with either of them - and they did duly move back. I have no idea how things went for them after that to know whether the move had the desired effect.
    #MeToo

    Why should our needs override the needs of all other living species? What makes us so special? (Brigit Strawbridge)
    • LBT_UK
    • By LBT_UK 13th Sep 17, 4:13 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    LBT_UK
    Harsh but true. Are you qualified to counselling or to recognise and treat mental health, or perhaps know which SSRI to prescribe and being aware of the side effects the individual person can tolerate.


    Mumsnet this section is not. There are other sections of this forum if you want to find that kind of support.


    If you want talk about section 21 and 8 or eviction processes on here, then that is appropriate for this section. Otherwise why have specific different sections?

    Originally posted by csgohan4
    The reason I posted here is because to my knowledge at this time, This is related to my house and wanted feedback from the community on whether or not people had been through this before and the level i am. Everything was fine in my life til I changed my residence since then i've been living through hell hoping for it to stop or for my life to abruptly end. My family, friends and partner are all there for me and being very supportive, but i'm currently living in sadness and depression which I see currently coming from where I live.
    • ProDave
    • By ProDave 13th Sep 17, 4:14 PM
    • 403 Posts
    • 481 Thanks
    ProDave
    Sorry to hear you are unhappy. so me, quiet small village, detached house etc sounds perfect but then I have always hated busy places myself.

    You need to work out exactly what it is you don't like before you move, otherwise moving may not solve the issue.

    If you are like me, I used to hate commuting by car to work, I just can't stand crawling along in slow traffic endlessly every day. For that reason, when I looked to move, the actual journey from home to work was very important. Some lovely locations I turned down, because the journey would involve too much bad traffic.

    Also, at one point I had an informal arrangement with my boss, that I would start work early, and finish early, to avoid the worst of the traffic. Perhaps that might help?
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