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    • alibat
    • By alibat 12th Sep 17, 4:39 PM
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    alibat
    Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.
    • #1
    • 12th Sep 17, 4:39 PM
    Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time. 12th Sep 17 at 4:39 PM
    Back in November, I made the following post on another thread:

    Been fighting depression and debt since I first left home to go to uni, with only a few brief spells of solvency in between (I'm now 46). I've never handled stress or bad times well as long as I can remember. Not sure what triggered it. Eight years ago I came on here, nearly 50K in debt due to using spending to overcome depression and keeping the debt secret from my husband. I came clean, felt a huge wave of relief and he supported me. The house was remorgaged (now paid off) and I was briefly doing ok.

    Seven years down the line, I'm back in the same situation. After being ill and eventually being diagnosed with a chronic illness, depression struck as I was bullied out of my job as a result. My husband at first didn't seem to understand, and kept commenting about leaving a job with a good salary. If I hadn't, I would have most likely had a breakdown and not been able to work in the sector again. While still in the job, I started spending again but was too ashamed to own up to my husband. The work I got to replace it was casual, always being worried if I would have enough work. I usually did (although I always had no work in the summer, over Easter and Christmas), but recently things have changed due to changes beyond my control and I'm really struggling. I had one day of work last week, three days so far this week (but two below my usual pay).

    I have just about managed my payments upto now, but I am really going to have to tell my husband again, and again I'm petrified. Even more so now, as I've let him down yet again and I'm scared he will leave me. I think the world of him and cannot believe I am in this situation again and been so stupid. I don't know where to start (last time I gave him a letter but I feel I should do it face to face this time). My debt stands at £28,700 over 5 cards. How do I start? What can I say? I'm making myself really ill over this and can't stop worrying. Even having suicidal thoughts. Tried to see my doctor but can't get an appointment. Any advice would be very welcome.


    Well, nothing much changed in the meantime (although the suicidal thoughts have passed for now, thankfully, but still very depressed). The debt is the same size. Some work came in, enough to keep me going until now but now the work has dried up until the end of the month and I've had no income since mid July (I work as a supply teacher, two offers of work fell through at the last moment). I didn't tell my husband, I chickened out but now I have about a week before I completely run out of money. Things have not been made easier by needing essential repairs to the house, costing about 8K (which my husband is paying for). As a result, he keeps saying we can't afford things.



    It is virtually 8 years to the day that I told him about my then near 50K debt, swearing it would never happen again, but it has. Don't feel that I should use the same tactic as last time and write a letter, but I'm struggling to start the conversation so maybe I will. Really scared that this time it will be it, as I am clearly a liability to him. Currently making a list of stuff to sell, will even offer to sell my beloved motorbike if it proves to him that I regret being so stupid. He still works for a bank (although under constant threat of redundancy), is still fantastic with money and I can't believe I've done it again and put my marriage at risk.


    A few things are different from last time. On the bad side, then I had a regular, good income unlike now. On the positive side, I hope to get the money to cover all these debts in the next 6 months (as my elderly mum has moved to sheltered accomodation and is selling the family home, a third of the sale after deductions will come to me). I had originally hoped I could manage until then but then the work dried up. I am now in the situation of having to ask for my husbands help to make my payments until then.


    Two things I know for certain however. I cannot be trusted with a credit card, ever. I must never have one again. I kept one last time for emergencies, but it just snowballed and I took on more for balance transfers until I had 5 maxed out cards. Secondly, I must get treatment for my depression.


    Sorry for the long post, any advice about how to break the news to my husband much appreciated.
Page 5
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 27th Sep 17, 3:43 PM
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    EssexHebridean
    Yes, this is another reason why it's important that you start to arrange things like your salary being paid into your own account...
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    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 27th Sep 17, 11:54 PM
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    enthusiasticsaver
    Obviously I don't really want to go into details about my marriage on here, but other than the money side we get on well. I am the sort of person who avoids conflict at also any cost and unfortunately this has meant that he very much is the dominant partner (he may get angry easily, usually as a result of stuff going on at work but I've never been worried about my safety). Perhaps if I hadn't been so passive things would be different? No idea if they would be but it's a thought.

    Anyway, he was quite late last night so I didn't get chance for a decent conversation. This morning however I did persuade him that I could be trusted to get a loaf of bread on the way home without spending a fortune!

    I don't think he'd realised I still had my debit card, and a good thing too. On the way to work I noticed that one of my headlight bulbs had gone. I rang OH up to tell him I needed to call into Halfords on the way home for a new bulb. His response was '' how are you going to pay for it? '' A good example of why I cannot be without it, as what would he say if I got pulled and got a ticket? Will hopefully have another chat tonight.
    Originally posted by alibat
    Definitely you make a good point that if you have a car then you need access to funds as it could be dangerous to drive without lights. Asking permission to buy a loaf of bread seems a little OTT but whatever works for you.

    I apologise if you found my questions intrusive and I meant them more as musings for you to ponder over and maybe talk over with a counsellor which you may benefit from at some point.

    EH rightly points out this is a DFW board not the relationship one so I will stick to financial advice only.

    Have you set up a budget yet to show your OH?
    1 week to go until early retirement. Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • alibat
    • By alibat 28th Sep 17, 8:55 AM
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    alibat
    Yes, this is another reason why it's important that you start to arrange things like your salary being paid into your own account...
    Originally posted by EssexHebridean

    I already have my own account so setting up a new one isn't necessary.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 28th Sep 17, 9:03 AM
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    alibat
    Definitely you make a good point that if you have a car then you need access to funds as it could be dangerous to drive without lights. Asking permission to buy a loaf of bread seems a little OTT but whatever works for you.

    I apologise if you found my questions intrusive and I meant them more as musings for you to ponder over and maybe talk over with a counsellor which you may benefit from at some point.

    EH rightly points out this is a DFW board not the relationship one so I will stick to financial advice only.

    Have you set up a budget yet to show your OH?
    Originally posted by enthusiasticsaver

    No worries. I think I'd just got a bit defensive after several posters had made a point that I'd lied and deceived my OH. Guess I just wanted to point out that I wasn't the only one who'd lied in the relationship.

    OH been home late this week so not really had chance to sit down and make a budget. Will sort that this weekend I guess. Still, I've drawn a small amount of cash to last me the week and will only spend more in an emergency (like a blown headlight bulb!).
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 28th Sep 17, 10:27 AM
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    EssexHebridean
    I already have my own account so setting up a new one isn't necessary.
    Originally posted by alibat
    Sp is your salary now being paid into that and you're then transferring an appropriate amount to the account that is used for bills etc Only you originally said earlier in the thread that your income goes into an account controlled by your husband?

    Apologies if you feel that people are "banging on"n about this point - but ultimately the only way you are ever going to a) learn to control your money and budget and b) prove that you can do so, to yourself and others - is to actually learn in real time. Plus you have a personal responsibility to pay your debts - and if you're not given sufficient funds back to do so as you referred to having happened previously then you will never be able to do so as defaults will be applied and charges will mount up. Apologies if this has been misinterpreted, but if not I trust you can see the point that we are concerned about.
    Last edited by EssexHebridean; 28-09-2017 at 10:38 AM.
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    • Fen1
    • By Fen1 28th Sep 17, 11:13 AM
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    Fen1
    As well as writing out a budget and keeping a check on your spends, have you written a diary? A daily diary might help you work out your spend pattern.

    Some questions to ponder:

    1. When are you spending on a particular day?
    ( Are you tired after work so your brain is a bit fuzzy, or do you need a treat after a long day?)

    2. Do you get distracted by offers and special deals?

    3. When does browsing become purchasing? Are you on "automatic pilot" or is there a reason for this purchase? ( Do you get a thrill from buying? Are you bored so fill the time shopping?)

    4. Does your monthly cycle affect your spending? PMT can cause irrational thinking and depression, both of which can trigger overspending.

    Working out the patterns may help you to take control. Realising why you spend, at a particular place or a particular time, can be really informative.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 28th Sep 17, 12:50 PM
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    alibat
    Sp is your salary now being paid into that and you're then transferring an appropriate amount to the account that is used for bills etc Only you originally said earlier in the thread that your income goes into an account controlled by your husband?

    Apologies if you feel that people are "banging on"n about this point - but ultimately the only way you are ever going to a) learn to control your money and budget and b) prove that you can do so, to yourself and others - is to actually learn in real time. Plus you have a personal responsibility to pay your debts - and if you're not given sufficient funds back to do so as you referred to having happened previously then you will never be able to do so as defaults will be applied and charges will mount up. Apologies if this has been misinterpreted, but if not I trust you can see the point that we are concerned about.
    Originally posted by EssexHebridean
    Thanks for your concern, and I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I have always had my own bank account where any salary is paid in, so in that respect there is no issue with not having the money from my pay to service my debts.
    My husband was on about wanting my debit card from my own account, we have no joint account at present. (something to look into when I'm more sorted). He's wanting to control what I'm spend from my own account, presumably so they'll be more to put towards the debts.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 28th Sep 17, 12:58 PM
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    EssexHebridean
    Ah ok - that's fine then.

    Still don't give him the Debit card though.

    Fen1's post is spot on by the way - some really good trains of thought in there.
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    • alibat
    • By alibat 28th Sep 17, 12:59 PM
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    alibat
    As well as writing out a budget and keeping a check on your spends, have you written a diary? A daily diary might help you work out your spend pattern.

    Some questions to ponder:

    1. When are you spending on a particular day?
    ( Are you tired after work so your brain is a bit fuzzy, or do you need a treat after a long day?)

    2. Do you get distracted by offers and special deals?

    3. When does browsing become purchasing? Are you on "automatic pilot" or is there a reason for this purchase? ( Do you get a thrill from buying? Are you bored so fill the time shopping?)

    4. Does your monthly cycle affect your spending? PMT can cause irrational thinking and depression, both of which can trigger overspending.

    Working out the patterns may help you to take control. Realising why you spend, at a particular place or a particular time, can be really informative.
    Originally posted by Fen1
    A diary is a great idea. Not sure about the PMT, but I have tended to spend more when I'm down and stressed with other things. I do know I tend to spend less in summer than winter when I can get outside and do other things that interest me. It's also the time when I get more time to catch up with friends.
    What has often happened is I've gone to buy one item and ended up with several. Got to go now but I'll post again later when I've given more thought to this.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 4th Oct 17, 2:11 PM
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    alibat
    Been going through stuff. Seems most of the spending happened when I was still in my permanent job but off sick. The debts have not grown much the last few years due to reckkess spending, rather due to poor budgeting and money management, paying minimums due to insecure work etc. I have also noticed that I've tended to spend more when things have been going better. Seems odd that, as I'd assumed the worst spending was when I was most depressed.

    It's been more a case of frittering money away here and there rather than big spends, or collecting sets of stuff like books ((I'm a bit of a hoarder). Got Dr's at the end of the week. Things going OK at the moment.
    Last edited by alibat; 04-10-2017 at 6:29 PM.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 4th Oct 17, 2:48 PM
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    EssexHebridean
    Good to hear - and not entirely surprising about what you've found with your spending habits. Sure the classic pattern is "Feel depressed so spend to cheer yourself up" but for many people that depression teams up with anxiety to make us very wary of spending money at all, and guessing that for someone who's been in debt before that is even more true. The flipside of course is feeling great, upbeat and cheerful, and so not thinking as much about what you're spending.

    I suspect being aware of that is a massive step forwards in terms of fixing it.
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    • alibat
    • By alibat 4th Oct 17, 6:48 PM
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    alibat
    Also I've noticed a couple of other things. When I've had more work (and therefore more money) I've been more generous than usual. I always had a habit of overspending on Christmas and Birthday presents, but even at other times I've tended to buy stuff for those closest to me, even if it's only a bar of chocolate, a beer or a cake. Also, when I've been out with friends (not that I go out often before you ask, usually once a month at most apart from a couple of drinks with my husband most weekends or at Christmas) I have tended to be generous, not wanting to appear worse off.

    A lot has been spent as a result either directly or indirectly of my medical condition. Eg, one of the medications I am on is a low chemotherapy dose drug, the effect being my hair has gone from very thick to very thin. I have spent a fortune on stuff to hide this, as I find it so embarrassing and otherwise I feel ugly and too unattractive. The steroids I have to take have made me put weight on, so I have bought stuff to try and lose some of that weight as it makes me feel so unattractive.

    On another note, I felt awful last night when speaking to my mum about the house sale. All the time she was telling me to make sure I put the money I would get away safe and not fritter it away, yet knowing most of it would be used to pay my debts off. Strangely) in good way) I found myself thinking about the best savings account to open once the debts are paid. Can't wait to start saving Firstly though I've that appointment on Friday!
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 4th Oct 17, 8:58 PM
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    zippygeorgeandben
    Yup - good to hear Alibat about the appointment. Good on you.
    End Sep 2016 End Nov 2017
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    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 5th Oct 17, 9:45 AM
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    EssexHebridean
    well the more you can hammer off the debts in the meantime, the more you will have to save when that money comes through Alibat - that must be a great incentive!

    Good luck with the appointment tomorrow - remember to write things down in list form if you're worried about not remembering to bring up everything you need to!
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    • Fen1
    • By Fen1 5th Oct 17, 1:23 PM
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    Fen1
    Quote:
    But, things got really bad last night. Came home late from work, yelled at me and stormed off to bed. Not speaking. Triggered by me buying some fresh veg on my way home, which went to waste as he didn't eat his tea.

    Alibat. How much food do you buy and how much of it goes to waste? Have you been taught how to reuse food from one day to make the next day's meals? Do you know what to do with leftovers so that nothing goes to waste?

    Whatever vegetables your OH didn't eat could have been repurposed as a pasta bake or blitzed into soup. Have you been taught those thrifty skills?

    If you are constantly buying fresh food for every meal it is no wonder that your domestic budget is in disarray. Acquiring those thrifty skills could save you a lot of money and reduce your stress levels.

    Good management requires both carefulness and canniness.

    • alibat
    • By alibat 17th Oct 17, 5:03 PM
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    alibat
    OK. Quite a bit to report on. Some good, some not so good. Firstly the appointment went well, waiting now for an appointment with a therapist. Feeling more positive about things.

    Then at the end of last Friday afternoon, the hammer blow. Job finished for the time being due to reorganisation of staff to save money. Didn't see this one coming and people I was working with were really upset about it. Been told I'll probably be back soon, but how about being treated like that On the positive side, I've missed Ofsted today and tomorrow.
    Next bad thing that happened was I get work yesterday morning for a few days at another school, but don't get there as I end up spending the day in A&E after falling head first down the full flight of stairs after slipping at the top on my rush to get out of the house. Luckily nothing broken but feeling very sore. As a result off work for a few days (with no pay)
    Finally today, some good news regarding the debts. House went up for sale last Wednesday, and today we have an offer for the asking price. I could be debt free by the end of the year
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 17th Oct 17, 5:16 PM
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    enthusiasticsaver
    Sorry about the job finishing. That is a pain but hopefully something else will come along.

    Good news on house sale. Hope it all goes through soon.
    1 week to go until early retirement. Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 17th Oct 17, 6:24 PM
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    Lioness Twinkletoes
    My husband was on about wanting my debit card from my own account, we have no joint account at present. (something to look into when I'm more sorted). He's wanting to control what I'm spend from my own account, presumably so they'll be more to put towards the debts.
    Originally posted by alibat
    I have to be honest - this is a massive red flag for me, and I'd no more give you access to my account than fly to the moon and I'll be amazed if your husband does.

    You've demonstrated that for whatever reasons you're crap with money. Don't get offended - I am as well - currently in a DMP - but I would never, ever ask my husband to a) clear my debts or b) let me access his account. He has a healthy attitude to money and saving and so does your husband. Leave his account alone and get your own house in order. Then develop your own good habits.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 17th Oct 17, 6:42 PM
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    alibat
    I have to be honest - this is a massive red flag for me, and I'd no more give you access to my account than fly to the moon and I'll be amazed if your husband does.

    You've demonstrated that for whatever reasons you're crap with money. Don't get offended - I am as well - currently in a DMP - but I would never, ever ask my husband to a) clear my debts or b) let me access his account. He has a healthy attitude to money and saving and so does your husband. Leave his account alone and get your own house in order. Then develop your own good habits.
    Originally posted by Lioness Twinkletoes
    Sorry if you misunderstood. What I mean is that once I have my house in order to have a separate account that we both put money into for household related things. I am not saying I should have access to his account, but I'd be seriously screwed with the way things are at the moment if he was ill or worse and I had to sort the bills out and stuff. I also feel that knowing he would see the transactions I did on this account would help me learn better money management.
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 17th Oct 17, 7:07 PM
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    Lioness Twinkletoes
    Sorry if you misunderstood. What I mean is that once I have my house in order to have a separate account that we both put money into for household related things. I am not saying I should have access to his account, but I'd be seriously screwed with the way things are at the moment if he was ill or worse and I had to sort the bills out and stuff. I also feel that knowing he would see the transactions I did on this account would help me learn better money management.
    Originally posted by alibat
    You do understand though, that by getting a joint account your husband will be financially linked to you? So if you screw up again he'll take the hit alongside you.
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