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  • FIRST POST
    • alibat
    • By alibat 12th Sep 17, 4:39 PM
    • 59Posts
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    alibat
    Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.
    • #1
    • 12th Sep 17, 4:39 PM
    Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time. 12th Sep 17 at 4:39 PM
    Back in November, I made the following post on another thread:

    Been fighting depression and debt since I first left home to go to uni, with only a few brief spells of solvency in between (I'm now 46). I've never handled stress or bad times well as long as I can remember. Not sure what triggered it. Eight years ago I came on here, nearly 50K in debt due to using spending to overcome depression and keeping the debt secret from my husband. I came clean, felt a huge wave of relief and he supported me. The house was remorgaged (now paid off) and I was briefly doing ok.

    Seven years down the line, I'm back in the same situation. After being ill and eventually being diagnosed with a chronic illness, depression struck as I was bullied out of my job as a result. My husband at first didn't seem to understand, and kept commenting about leaving a job with a good salary. If I hadn't, I would have most likely had a breakdown and not been able to work in the sector again. While still in the job, I started spending again but was too ashamed to own up to my husband. The work I got to replace it was casual, always being worried if I would have enough work. I usually did (although I always had no work in the summer, over Easter and Christmas), but recently things have changed due to changes beyond my control and I'm really struggling. I had one day of work last week, three days so far this week (but two below my usual pay).

    I have just about managed my payments upto now, but I am really going to have to tell my husband again, and again I'm petrified. Even more so now, as I've let him down yet again and I'm scared he will leave me. I think the world of him and cannot believe I am in this situation again and been so stupid. I don't know where to start (last time I gave him a letter but I feel I should do it face to face this time). My debt stands at £28,700 over 5 cards. How do I start? What can I say? I'm making myself really ill over this and can't stop worrying. Even having suicidal thoughts. Tried to see my doctor but can't get an appointment. Any advice would be very welcome.


    Well, nothing much changed in the meantime (although the suicidal thoughts have passed for now, thankfully, but still very depressed). The debt is the same size. Some work came in, enough to keep me going until now but now the work has dried up until the end of the month and I've had no income since mid July (I work as a supply teacher, two offers of work fell through at the last moment). I didn't tell my husband, I chickened out but now I have about a week before I completely run out of money. Things have not been made easier by needing essential repairs to the house, costing about 8K (which my husband is paying for). As a result, he keeps saying we can't afford things.



    It is virtually 8 years to the day that I told him about my then near 50K debt, swearing it would never happen again, but it has. Don't feel that I should use the same tactic as last time and write a letter, but I'm struggling to start the conversation so maybe I will. Really scared that this time it will be it, as I am clearly a liability to him. Currently making a list of stuff to sell, will even offer to sell my beloved motorbike if it proves to him that I regret being so stupid. He still works for a bank (although under constant threat of redundancy), is still fantastic with money and I can't believe I've done it again and put my marriage at risk.


    A few things are different from last time. On the bad side, then I had a regular, good income unlike now. On the positive side, I hope to get the money to cover all these debts in the next 6 months (as my elderly mum has moved to sheltered accomodation and is selling the family home, a third of the sale after deductions will come to me). I had originally hoped I could manage until then but then the work dried up. I am now in the situation of having to ask for my husbands help to make my payments until then.


    Two things I know for certain however. I cannot be trusted with a credit card, ever. I must never have one again. I kept one last time for emergencies, but it just snowballed and I took on more for balance transfers until I had 5 maxed out cards. Secondly, I must get treatment for my depression.


    Sorry for the long post, any advice about how to break the news to my husband much appreciated.
Page 2
    • DawnW
    • By DawnW 14th Sep 17, 3:54 PM
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    DawnW

    Found some valuable records to sell I've had years (which is almost as big a wrench as my bike), and some other bits and bats to put on ebay. Rubbish selling stuff though, I always underestimate postage costs.
    Originally posted by alibat
    On postage costs, get a leaflet from the Post Office, it wll tell you exactly how much a parcel of a given size and weight costs to send via all the different services available. Put the item in its packaging, weigh and measure it. It is tedious to do, but will avoid under or over estimation. If the items are valuable you need to use a signed for service. If selling on ebay, try to target experienced ebayers (you can exclude certain categories of buyers such as those without a paypal account, for example, or those who have had unpaid cases opened against them (click on buyer requirements at the bottom of the page when listing). HTH.
    Food/ household/supermarket spends for November - £210.25 / £250
    NSDs for November 9/12


    • dreamerinfate
    • By dreamerinfate 14th Sep 17, 4:37 PM
    • 125 Posts
    • 226 Thanks
    dreamerinfate
    First thing first is ring the doctors and make an appointment to see a doctor, with you mentioning you have had suicidal thoughts this worries me, please go and seek help, nothing is not fixable remember that

    Secondly you need to be honest and talk to your husband, if this means writing a letter again you need to do it but you need to be honest, you need to tell him about your debts, how you are feeling mentally, how you feel about yours and his money situations being hidden and be completley honest

    I do agree with some other posts on here regarding both not being open with each other about finances, i feel as a married couple you should both be totally honest and he should also be honest with you, it works both ways

    If your husband has as much money as you think he does, would it not worth asking if he could ' loan' you the money until the sale of your mums house comes through, i understand that it is still borrowing but what concerns me is you mentioning suicide and depression, it might be the solution if he can afford to pay it all of for you but then you need to take steps to change financially and mean it, cut up all cards, dont take loans out, set up a savings account and only buy what you can afford, trust me easier than said i know but it is doable

    I know exactly how you feel, the shame, embarrasment, being scared, not sleeping and thinking you have let everyone down, i have been in this situation and also suicidal but i got through it, i sill have moments where i overspend ( alot) and have a few debts but nothing that cant be fixed

    Try and sell what you can and make as much money has you can do, have a look on here and see if you can cut bills, food, electricity etc, extreme coupons on facebook is a great page for getting deals , bargains for gifts, days out, bills etc.

    Basically have a major overall and cut back on everything that you can, prove to your husband you are ready to change but please please go and get some help at the doctors, speak to someone and please speak to your husband

    Remember everything can be fixed and nothing is worth ending your life over, imagine how your husband would feel if you ended your life and not only is he left without the love of his life, he also has all your financial worries to take care of, ( harsh but true)

    I wish you the best of luck and please please go the docs, speak to someone, take medication, see a councellor, anything, if you ever want to chat to a complete stranger PM me! Dont feel alone!

    One more tip would be a spending diary for your finances, ingoing, going etc and also a blog or a diary, even if just for yourself to read, trust me writing things down always help! Good luck!

    Good luck and take care!
    • alibat
    • By alibat 14th Sep 17, 6:14 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    Thanks everyone. Still unable to get an appointment with my chosen doctor, but as I said earlier, the suicidal thoughts seem to have passed. Doesn't mean I won't still go to see her though.

    Sitting here with everything ready, stomach churning for when he gets home. Rechecked all cards, marginally better than I thought (by about £500 pounds). Still unsure how to start the conversation. Seriously considering a G&T to calm my nerves. Thanks everyone. I'll post on here tomorrow with my news x
    • DawnW
    • By DawnW 14th Sep 17, 6:22 PM
    • 4,602 Posts
    • 35,348 Thanks
    DawnW
    Please speak to someone if you feel suicidal again, NHS helpline, Samaritans etc if you can't speak to someone face to face. You are worth more than this debt!
    Food/ household/supermarket spends for November - £210.25 / £250
    NSDs for November 9/12


    • alibat
    • By alibat 14th Sep 17, 8:44 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    It's now 8.40 and he's still not home. Been drinking with work mates. I'd got myself all psyched up and ready too. Not great, even if he comes home now, with him having been drinking and it being quite late, it's not a good time. Damn!
    Last edited by alibat; 15-09-2017 at 10:42 AM. Reason: Typo
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 15th Sep 17, 10:35 AM
    • 217 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    copperclock
    What happened in the end, Alibat? Are you okay?
    • alibat
    • By alibat 15th Sep 17, 10:49 AM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    What happened in the end, Alibat? Are you okay?
    Originally posted by copperclock
    Thanks for asking. He arrived home at about 9.30, a little worse for wear (not drunk particularly but exhausted) so the conversation never happened, despite having everything ready and being all psyched up for it. The one friend I've confided in also said not to have the conversation when he had been drinking, we both need a clear head. Slept badly last night, exhausted today and made worse with him having a hypo at 4am. Really hoping that he's not late tonight. Can't stand this much longer.
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 15th Sep 17, 11:25 AM
    • 217 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    copperclock
    Thanks for asking. He arrived home at about 9.30, a little worse for wear (not drunk particularly but exhausted) so the conversation never happened, despite having everything ready and being all psyched up for it. The one friend I've confided in also said not to have the conversation when he had been drinking, we both need a clear head. Slept badly last night, exhausted today and made worse with him having a hypo at 4am. Really hoping that he's not late tonight. Can't stand this much longer.
    Originally posted by alibat
    Is he meant to be going out again tonight then? Maybe you should tell him that you need to talk to him about something? Not sure if that would be better or worse for you.

    Go easy on yourself today. You have done really well so far.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 15th Sep 17, 11:41 AM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    Is he meant to be going out again tonight then? Maybe you should tell him that you need to talk to him about something? Not sure if that would be better or worse for you.

    Go easy on yourself today. You have done really well so far.
    Originally posted by copperclock

    No, he's just a workaholic, and Friday is often particularly bad, he's been known not to leave work before 11 occasionally. Unfortunately, even the normal time for him getting home is often going on 9.
    • Spendy Spenderson
    • By Spendy Spenderson 15th Sep 17, 8:54 PM
    • 1 Posts
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    Spendy Spenderson
    Hi Alibat. Just want to check in and see if you're ok and also to wish you good luck for the conversation this evening. It will be incredibly scary and you'll be full of nerves but it always is good to get these things out in the open. They take on a life of their own in our own heads. That being said of course there will be some anger, disappointment and upset but it will subside given some time and given proof of you taking control and steps to manage this debt. I think the biggest thing you could gain here is his advise - based on his approach to money, sounds like he could really help you to establish a budget and to view money differently. I really hope you can work together on this so you are able to manage your money now and into the future. Will be following with interest and sending lots of positive thoughts that today is the day for change.
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 15th Sep 17, 10:38 PM
    • 707 Posts
    • 882 Thanks
    zippygeorgeandben
    Best of luck with it all. At least if you're honest and upfront, you've held up your side of the bargain.
    End Sep 2016 End Oct 2017
    £8236.57 £0
    (Tesco 4.8%) £0pcm
    £6185.75 £0(Zopa 4.0%) £0pcm

    £5344.50
    £2610.04 (Sainsburys 0% until 06/19) £140pcm
    £2000.00 £1066.69 (Sister 0%) £133.33pcm

    Total debt
    £19.766.82 £3676.73 Original DFD May 2019.
    • alibat
    • By alibat 18th Sep 17, 8:27 AM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    Thanks for the support. Well, the good news is that's it's now out in the open. Unfortunately, I didn't get chance to say everything I wanted. That will come this evening. He was quite late again on Friday and Saturday he was on call too so that left Sunday. I was ill all day with worry. I just couldn't find the words to start. I was hoping he would notice I wasn't well and ask me what was wrong, but he didn't. It got to Sunday evening, and he mentioned I'd mean miserable all day, so I took that as my cue. Even so, I think if things hadn't have reached a critical point I suspect I would have chickened out again. I had written everything down. Also a letter with some explanations and how and what I am going to sell. He didn't won't to read that, just the facts of the debt. He didn't scream and shout, but just kept asking how I'd got into this mess again, how I said last time it would never happen again etc. I made no mention of my depression, or indeed that I knew about all his savings etc. That one for sure will be a conversation for another time, when we are out the other side. Wasn't speaking much this morning, but it wasn't quite a stony silence either. No mention of the debt, that discussion will come tonight. Feeling pretty bad right now, but relieved I am hiding this secret no more.
    • EssexHebridean
    • By EssexHebridean 18th Sep 17, 9:56 AM
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    EssexHebridean
    Well done for getting it out there. Maybe make today a day where you focus on the small things that you can do to start mending the situation? So listing things that you have found for sale, working out where economies can be made, and above all cutting up any cards that you still have so that you can show him hard evidence of your committment?
    MORTGAGE FREE 30/09/2016
    Sainsbugs 0% card: 22/12/16 £1229.00/£544.67 (17/10/17)
    SOA Calculator for DFW newbies: Stoozing.com SOA Calculator
    • nkkingston
    • By nkkingston 18th Sep 17, 11:31 AM
    • 441 Posts
    • 496 Thanks
    nkkingston
    It may be best to wait until after you've paid down some of your debt, but it's definitely past time for a household budget. Keeping your incomes so separate isn't helping, especially since he's always earned more than you (it's easy to be sanctimonious about money when you've always got it to hand!). I think it is important to discuss the impact of your mental health on your spending with him as well. I don't like that he "didn't get" why you left your previous job. As your husband, it's his job to support your decisions - if he can't empathise with you needing to leave a shitty job for your health now, he's going to find it even harder as your physical health worsens. If your bike is your main mode of transport, you both need to be thinking about the adjustments you'll have to make to your lifestyles once you can't use it any more. If your mother calls on a friday night when he's working until 11pm, what happens?

    You don't sound as though you're working as a team right now, and that's only going to be more important going forward. You need to approach your incomes and outgoings as a team, not a two separate individuals - this doesn't mean he can't keep his investments to himself, but household bills need to be split proportionally and you need to make sure that you both have access to enough information to manage the household should one of you be unexpectedly incapacitated. Equally, you've shown that you have his health in mind in helping him manage his diabetes, and he should have your health in mind in helping you manage your physical and mental health as well.
    Mortgage
    June 2016: £93,295
    November 2017: £80,096.79
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 18th Sep 17, 5:36 PM
    • 4,672 Posts
    • 8,767 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    Good that it is in the open but household finances do need to be discussed.

    If you have separate finances how are the bills apportioned? If he earns a lot more than you does he pay the lions share and if not, why not?

    I think you do need to get treatment for your depression and speak to him about it. It sounds harsh but there may be an underlying issue of trust in which your husband may feel you may overspend again which makes him reluctant to share finances. It may take some time but to regain his trust you will need to show you have changed. Are you working at the moment and is getting a second job a possibility?

    I have to say though he does not sound as if he has been particularly understanding about your depression so be prepared for him to be quite angry about the debt as it is the second time it has happened. At least though this time you have your mums house proceeds coming at some point. Next time you get paid I would get the bike MOT'd and put that up for sale too.
    5 weeks to go until early retirement in December . Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • HairyHandofDartmoor
    • By HairyHandofDartmoor 18th Sep 17, 8:27 PM
    • 1,855 Posts
    • 7,100 Thanks
    HairyHandofDartmoor
    Hi Alibat, well done for confessing all, which can't have been pleasant.

    Your mistake last time was in keeping a credit card. I've been there and done that, so I know how easy it is to spend to help depression, but in the end it just makes everything worse, as you know.

    At least the debt is smaller this time. You say you've cut up your credit cards which is great. I never intend to have a credit card or loan ever again (apart from a mortgage) as I know that I can't trust myself with one! You need to remove temptation by removing your access to credit. When the debts are paid close the accounts.

    It's very important that your depression is treated. Can you see a different doctor?

    I agree with other posters that offering to sell your bike would show true remorse. Good luck!
    My Diary http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716867
    Debt in July 2017 = £58,766 DEBT FREE 31 October 2017
    NEW GOALS - Build an Emergency Fund & Loss of Income Fund
    Emergency Fund 1 = £638/Emergency Fund 2 = £120
    • alibat
    • By alibat 19th Sep 17, 5:04 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 80 Thanks
    alibat
    He didn't want to discuss the debt last night. Things a bit strained but not horrendous, and we managed to be 'almost' normal last night although still not his usual chatty self when I rang him at work.

    Had some good news today. Got a teaching position until next summer, starting tomorrow and paying my full qualified rate. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for something more reliable and permanent though. Also made an appointment with the doctor. This does mean that I can now carry on with minimum payments. The cards are now destroyed and I will show my husband the statements each month. When I get the money from my mum I can pay them off. I will put this to him and see how it goes tonight. Feeling a bit better today now I know I will be working again.
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 19th Sep 17, 7:31 PM
    • 4,672 Posts
    • 8,767 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    That is good news about the teaching job and making a doctors appointment. There is lots of positives especially as you know you have a windfall coming. I would concentrate on finding free things you can do to help your mental health and some coping strategies for when you are feeling low. Hopefully your doctor will be helpful.

    Everything is in the open now and you can start to prove you have learnt your lesson so he can trust you again. Showing him the statements is a good idea I think.
    5 weeks to go until early retirement in December . Debt free and mortgage free.

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • HairyHandofDartmoor
    • By HairyHandofDartmoor 19th Sep 17, 8:30 PM
    • 1,855 Posts
    • 7,100 Thanks
    HairyHandofDartmoor
    That's great news about the teaching job it will really help .

    Good that you've made a doctor appointment too, I really think that treating your depression is vital.

    I hope you manage to have a really good talk without recriminations with your OH and find out how he feels about it all. He is bound to be disappointed but hopefully he will want to find a workable solution with you.

    Stay strong.
    My Diary http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716867
    Debt in July 2017 = £58,766 DEBT FREE 31 October 2017
    NEW GOALS - Build an Emergency Fund & Loss of Income Fund
    Emergency Fund 1 = £638/Emergency Fund 2 = £120
    • zippygeorgeandben
    • By zippygeorgeandben 19th Sep 17, 8:39 PM
    • 707 Posts
    • 882 Thanks
    zippygeorgeandben
    Great news about the teaching. Try and make minimum payment plus £1 on top.
    Is this secondary?
    End Sep 2016 End Oct 2017
    £8236.57 £0
    (Tesco 4.8%) £0pcm
    £6185.75 £0(Zopa 4.0%) £0pcm

    £5344.50
    £2610.04 (Sainsburys 0% until 06/19) £140pcm
    £2000.00 £1066.69 (Sister 0%) £133.33pcm

    Total debt
    £19.766.82 £3676.73 Original DFD May 2019.
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