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    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 10:18 PM
    • 18Posts
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    alittleworried
    Daughter....found morning after pill, disappointed. Advice.
    • #1
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:18 PM
    Daughter....found morning after pill, disappointed. Advice. 9th Sep 17 at 10:18 PM
    Okay take 2, lost last post ahhh.

    I'm a long term poster, don't know why..but just don't want to use my other username, silly really but...here goes. Please don't be harsh I know she's a adult.

    My daughter met new people during the summer and became a different person, wasn't in touch for days and when I called was abrupt. She can do what she wants etc. We have very few rules when they are old enough. Just let us know if your coming home, what time etc a little respect etc. Anyway she decided she was moving out, gutted inside but she's 19. We said if you need anything just ask your welcome back anytime.

    Anyway she wanted us to be guarantor we couldn't, we have enough to get by, couldn't afford to loose thousands. This was explained nicely.

    Came home then it was going to a festival for 4 days, free tickets etc. I had doubts due to her behaviour, dad against it, I said she'll be fine, behave. She went, best time ever etc. I was happy she enjoyed herself.

    Yesterday, recovering cutlery and plates from her and my other daughters room her bag fell over zip was open out fell ellaone think it was called, morning after pill. Absolutely gutted. This is due to the fact I think this was a after thought and she could have got it sooner. As I know what she done that week.

    I am scared incase it was to late, I was a young mum 2 kids at 19. If it happened when I think she might just have got it on time. I am disappointed as after a scare years ago, I have drummed it into her about safe sex and about condom and other birth control and how to get them,plus about diseases and how many people they've slept with etc. The other birth control was in relation to using condoms to.

    I am going to speak to her on Monday, when it's just us..I am hurt and scared, I haven't told her dad. She thinks something was up last night but I said I was tired. She goes to college and works, I don't know what to think my brain is in overload.

    Please no nasty comments, I know she's a adult but she still stays here. .
Page 1
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 9th Sep 17, 10:28 PM
    • 1,139 Posts
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    lika_86
    • #2
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:28 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:28 PM
    The timescales of your post seem unclear, but if she's been and got the morning after pill then it sounds like she is being careful to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. She might have been using a condom and it split or something. If your concern is that she took the pill too late then you need to speak to her about it.

    Ultimately though, she is an adult and can make her own decisions. She might be living at home but you need to treat her like a grown up - get her to bring her own plates downstairs and allow her to take responsibility for the consequences of her decisions. Whether or not you would allow her to stay in your house if she ended up pregnant is a matter for you.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 9th Sep 17, 10:37 PM
    • 4,845 Posts
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    iammumtoone
    • #3
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:37 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:37 PM
    I have drummed it into her about safe sex and about condom and other birth control and how to get them
    Originally posted by alittleworried
    Then you have done a good job as she has listened about the birth control. Ok so she didn't practice safe sex (or it failed) everyone has been there, heat of the moment, forgotten to take pill, perhaps she had taken pill but was sick.

    She is 19 and whilst you weren't deliberately snooping you should never have found out about this.

    I would not say anything and leave alone. Morning after pill does not have to be taken the morning after some can work up to 5 days later, just because you found a packet you do not know when she has taken them.
    Sealed pot challenge ~ 10 #017
    Declutter 2017 items in 2017 - 78/2017

    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    • 59,947 Posts
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    PasturesNew
    • #4
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    Maybe a mate said "Not used this, can you hang onto it ... my mum goes through my bags"
    • *max*
    • By *max* 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    • 2,799 Posts
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    *max*
    • #5
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:40 PM
    Disappointed? Please do not tell her that, she's not a child.

    1/ the pill may well have been because a condom split/got stuck. It happens. And she was being responsible in taking it. Assuming she does not have special needs, there is no reason to think she did anything wrong. She knows when to take it/how long after it's effective. If she still does get pregnant, there are other options, and she's most likely aware of them.

    2/I don't tend to believe the whole "bag fell off, out slipped the one thing that might have been incriminating to you". Still, if true, you have no business going into her room and moving things around. I assume she's either a student or giving you some kind of keep. Even if not, stay out of her room. She's an adult.

    3/ There is no reason to be disappointed in her. She obviously took charge of the situation she was in.

    If you want to have a nice mum/daughter chat about contraception/STDs, feel free. But please don't go into in all weepy and "this is so disappointing". Treat her like the adult she is.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 10:42 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    • #6
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:42 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:42 PM
    Thanks for your reply, my concern was she didn't get it on time. Let's say the festival was Thursday returning home Monday, she got it the Friday after, when she could have got it any day in between then.

    I know she's a adult and would have to deal with the consequences if it never worked and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Yes, I will be speaking to her...but I am scared and nervous just now. I wouldn't abandon her,I've been there.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 9th Sep 17, 10:44 PM
    • 1,425 Posts
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    Loz01
    • #7
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:44 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:44 PM
    This seems a bit of a tricky situation but at least she has the common sense to have obtained the morning after pill. I would be honest, tell her you were cleaning and her bag fell over and the pills fell out.

    Tell her what you've said here, you were a Mum of 2 at 19 and you wouldn't want her to go through that without having accomplished a lot more (no offence OP, i don't mean you haven't had a fulfilled life lol Im sure you have) but obviously getting pregnant at 19 isn't ideal if she is at college etc.
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • elsien
    • By elsien 9th Sep 17, 10:52 PM
    • 15,061 Posts
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    elsien
    • #8
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:52 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:52 PM
    What do you want to achieve by talking to her?
    Recalling my own somewhat turbulent teenage years, my mum did the "I accidentally found..." routine. I didn't believe her then, and I don't believe her in retrospect.
    In your daughter's place I would have been furious at the snooping and I would have shut down the conversation before it got started. Then resented the lack of privacy for a long time after.
    You know your daughter. Is she likely to want to have that conversation or is she just going to be very !!!!ed off wth you for the foreseeable?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    • #9
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    Pasturesnew, I wasn't snooping and it was written out in her name. Thanks.

    Max, I wouldn't say I'm disappointed, thank you for the reply. I think I'm nervous/scared just now. I had told her days before about the dishes, she shares a room, yeah she pays a little keep but I needed the teaspoons back, I had asked. It was a unintentionally find. We have had the talk for many years.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 11:00 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    Elsien, I did accidently find it. You can insinuate what you wish, that wasn't the case here.

    What I want to find out did she take it on time. I do care.

    Loz, thank you and your right she has a great future in front of her and yes life has been hard for me, 2 at 19 but we're okay. I want her to have more if that's the right way of putting it.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 9th Sep 17, 11:02 PM
    • 4,845 Posts
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    iammumtoone
    How do you know what day she got it?

    If you are looking a a prescription label then she has clearly spoken to a doctor and not just gone to the chemist.

    If she is sensible enough to go to the doctor why would she lie to them about the date she had sex? the doctor then gave her what she needed on the information provided. It doesn't make sense, it seems to me she has it all under control.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 9th Sep 17, 11:05 PM
    • 4,845 Posts
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    iammumtoone
    You may have innocently found the pills whether you did or didn't is irrelevant. What matters is what your daughter will believe/think happened if it was innocent or you snooped.

    My guess is most 19 years old will go for the snooping thought, it will take her a long time to get over that if you decide to question her.
    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 9th Sep 17, 11:06 PM
    • 1,229 Posts
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    IAmWales
    The prescribing clinician will have checked if she was still in the 72 hour window. There's no point you asking the same question. Also, unless she has been in your sight every moment since she has been back, you don't know when she last had sex.

    Trying to talk to her will cause more harm than good. If she needs to talk to you then she knows where you are.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 11:08 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    Thanks again iamumtoone, I know because the label was on the box. Her full name wasn't written in full so I think she got it under the minor ailment scheme Scotland.
    Last edited by alittleworried; 09-09-2017 at 11:15 PM. Reason: missed info
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 11:10 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    Iamwales, it was the pill for up to 5 days not the 72 hour one.

    She nearly has been in my sight except one day at college.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 11:13 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    The bag was wide open, I wasn't snooping it fell over. I was and still am shocked. I wouldn't snoop at any my children/adults stuff not me at all.
    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 9th Sep 17, 11:15 PM
    • 1,229 Posts
    • 2,607 Thanks
    IAmWales
    Iamwales, it was the pill for up to 5 days not the 72 hour one.

    She nearly has been in my sight except one day at college.
    Originally posted by alittleworried
    Then she has more than likely got it whilst she was still in the appropriate timescale. She would not have been given it if she was outside that period.

    And she wouldn't be the first young adult to skip college for a quickie!

    What good do you think talking to her will do?
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 9th Sep 17, 11:16 PM
    • 3,339 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    You found it where you shouldn't have been looking, so say nothing. It's her life and as you say, she's an adult. and therefore entitled to a private life, even if she lives with you. You may not completely destroy your relationship with her if you present your evidence, but you do run a very high risk of destroying any trust she has.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 9th Sep 17, 11:17 PM
    • 15,061 Posts
    • 37,723 Thanks
    elsien
    I'm not insinuating anything. I'm telling you the conclusion I would have jumped to in your daughter's position - which given what you've said about her recent attitude could well be the conclusion she also jumps to.
    My mother, like you, wanted the best for me and wanted to be supportive. At age 19 I was busy trying to develop my independence and thought she was just interfering. I'm suggesting you consider whether trying to get the answers you want is worth the potential damage to your relationship if she goes off on one and tells you to mind your own.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • alittleworried
    • By alittleworried 9th Sep 17, 11:17 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    alittleworried
    She wouldn't skip the first day back, that's for sure. I just know something happened at that festival.
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