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  • FIRST POST
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 7th Sep 17, 5:44 PM
    • 20Posts
    • 1Thanks
    Fefee
    Wanting to Move home but giving up on a great career
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 5:44 PM
    Wanting to Move home but giving up on a great career 7th Sep 17 at 5:44 PM
    Hi, ive got a big decision to make and hoping to try and do the best outcome from me and family.
    Heres a bit of info
    I live in Oxfordshire with my husband and 2 year old. We are both originally from Ireland and have lived in England for 6year and my hubby 15years . Hubby works for F1 . Im a nanny and baby massage instructor .
    Recently I have been really desperate to move home . Biggest reason is that im a very sociable .person . I love going out with friends which for what ever reason we dont have much of in Oxfordshire just makes life so dull and boring. We have some of course but not like the friends we have in Ireland who we have a close relationship for years. Another thing is I miss my families , my sister has 3 kids who adore my son and we can take turns babysitting for the odd night out . We have no help in England .
    We have made 150k on our home in England and could put down on a home in N.ireland but hubby would take a massive pay cut as he would work as a mechanic . So even though our mortgage would be low u still have bills , holidays , food etc and worried we would struggle. Is putting the 150k the best investment or should we invest in a property to rent out and live off the income ?
Page 2
    • agrinnall
    • By agrinnall 8th Sep 17, 8:42 AM
    • 18,440 Posts
    • 14,151 Thanks
    agrinnall
    I'm afraid to say that if you force your husband to choose whether to give up what is probably his dream job and move back to Ireland with you or to stay in England and keep his job that the job may win. This is only secondarily a housing issue, the primary issue is a relationship one, and would probably be better discussed on another board.
    • volare11512
    • By volare11512 8th Sep 17, 8:49 AM
    • 23 Posts
    • 16 Thanks
    volare11512
    I think you're crazy for wanting to move back at the sacrifice of your husband's career so you can carry on surrounded by children/babies for most of your time with unskilled work. I don't understand how you have no help in England? Did you not go to mother and baby groups to forge friendships with other parents? I am now in my 30s and my old friendships have changed once people have kids because all they ever do is talk about children and look after each others kids.

    My family also live in another country and what I have realised is that when I go back and visit we end up spending quality time with each other. These days people people move around, that's life.

    You also have home security....something I would long for! Don't be a landlord if you have no desire to be one. It isn't fair for those like myself trapped in a rental market with LLs who have no idea about the law nor understand that it is someones home (possibly for the long-term!).
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 9:05 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    I think the majority of people on this thread are like u . Think I should stay put.
    • ProDave
    • By ProDave 8th Sep 17, 9:10 AM
    • 268 Posts
    • 331 Thanks
    ProDave
    I'm late to this thread, but thought it worth sharing my experiences.

    We used to live in Oxfordshire, where I was born. I had a good job a modest house and a relatively small mortgage on the house.

    The thing that bugged me was the level of traffic congestion on the roads, something I had watched steadilly getting worse and worse as I grew older, it had got to the point that the only way I could tollerate rush hour driving on the A34 every day was to commute on a motorbike.

    So in 2003 we sold up and moved to the Highlands, a place we have loved for some time.

    We now live in a much more beautiful place close to the sea and mountains. The population density is a tiny fraction of what it was in Oxfordshire. Traffic jams are rare and driving is fun again on mostly empty roads.

    Housing is so much cheaper here, we sold our house, paid off the mortgage, built the new one and have been mortgage free from the age of 40. Even had some left over to invest in buy to let. the house we built up here we would never have achieved in Oxfordshire.

    I am now working as a self employed electrician. Much less stresful job and much lower pay but I love the flexibility of self employment.

    If your heart is in the destination, do it. We have no regrets.

    People told me when we announced our move, we must either be very stupid, or very brave, and all said "you will never be able to afford to move back" Well I would not want to move back, why would I want to go back to all that over crowding and congestion?
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 9:25 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    Volaire, I feel ur post is unnecessarily rude and unhelpful. To say im unskilled as I'm a qualified teaching assistant and run my own business providing a baby massage, yoga , and antenatal classes. The comment is really unfair
    I no its must be hard to be renting but no need to take it on me. I no full way how lucky I am !
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 9:27 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    F1 has alot sastus and presteige plus good money but price is great.
    My husband is only home 9 days a month ! I had to go through a horendous pregnancy
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 8th Sep 17, 9:31 AM
    • 3,867 Posts
    • 10,649 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    My parents moved away from the Welsh valleys just after the war. All family and friends were there, so their move to the South East was huge in those days. They made many new friends in their chosen professions and also through other "ex pats" from Wales. There were a lot of reminiscing when they would meet up with Welsh friends but no way would my parents have moved back! They knew that the financial stability far outweighed anything else that 'home' offered them, and they remained in the South East until they died.

    They say that the most patriotic people in the world are the ones who have moved away - I do think that's true!
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 8th Sep 17, 9:36 AM
    • 4,747 Posts
    • 6,677 Thanks
    deannatrois
    I do appreciate your points FeFee.., but how thoroughy have you discussed this with him? Could this break up your marriage? Be a little bit careful. I was a single mum, with one five year old (who later turned out to have ASD), pregnant and collapsing all the while from hypoglycaemias. Then the baby died 9 days after being born. I was a single mum with no family. It was devastating, but I just had to get through it.., on my own. Lots of people do.

    But if the way of life you have just isn't enough, you will have to recognise your marriage might end. I hope not but you need to recognise this. You knew the job your OH had, you knew it would mean him being away from home a lot, it must have seemed acceptable to you at some point to lead a certain lifestyle. What has changed?

    Remember being around family long term has disadvantages as well! At the moment you can go back home if you need to.
    Last edited by deannatrois; 08-09-2017 at 9:39 AM.
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 9:37 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    Its a very lonely life living with out ur husband and bringing up children like a single mum .
    I had to stop my husband from being on the race team as it was not worth it . Then there is the parties while there away and me looking after a crying baby. He still work s for ,F1 but its factory 9to 5 which has been brilliant.
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 9:44 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    No this definitely not break up my marriage as my husband would love to move home. Im not forcing anything , I have asked so many times or u sure and he has definitely would prefer home. After all he misses his family and friends to ,
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 8th Sep 17, 9:45 AM
    • 4,747 Posts
    • 6,677 Thanks
    deannatrois
    Sounds to me like you both need to look at some counselling. I just wouldn't marry someone knowing what lifestyle they had, change it once and then expect them to throw away all they'd worked for to become a car mechanic. The challenge just isn't the same. He won't be the man you married.

    Sorry if that is upsetting, but its what I think.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 8th Sep 17, 9:47 AM
    • 59,969 Posts
    • 350,571 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    Don't forget, when you go to Ireland you're "on holiday" mentally and financially. If you were to move back you'd find people had less time for you because they were putting themselves out before because you were on holiday and you probably were the driver for people agreeing to going out.

    When "at home" you can't afford to splash out in the same way that you do when your brain's in "holiday mode".

    I suspect if you moved back you'd find yourself discovering that you're back to square one - while you know all these people, they are busy with their own lives now and don't have the time to meet up more than 1-2x a year at a push.

    It's easy to think that somewhere you holiday is an answer; the reality is that once you're doing the daily grind your socialising will drop off as you'll have home/husband/child stuff that needs doing etc.

    So you'd be swapping a happy husband and disposable income for the same situation of you being dissatisfied, but with an unhappier husband and no money for socialising.

    You might also find that, financially/career-wise, you made a decision that is life-long irreversible and you can never "walk back into" the life you now have as you'll have tossed it away.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Sep 17, 10:03 AM
    • 28,247 Posts
    • 71,863 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Yes I would say Im more for moving home than he is and if I didn't push he probably wouldn't have move.

    That said hes definitely said he wants to move home and I genuinely believe he would be happier , maybe not so much job satisfaction but sociable and quality of life definitely .

    I see it wen hes home he changes , hes more happy . I think its important to him that im happy to.

    I have lived the last 8 years for his career and living away from my friends and family has been a massive scarfice. Ive really tried to be happy here in England but I find I just so alone. Really done with living like this.
    Originally posted by Fefee
    Money isn't everything and, if you're unhappy, it's certainly worth looking at making changes.

    I would hope the days are long gone when a woman had to put up with an unhappy life for the sake of a man's career - his job has been given priority for years - it's got to be worth seriously looking at making changes.

    Be objective about it - write a pro and con list, do a spreadsheet of realistic income and expenditure that you will be moving to - but also listen to both your hearts.
    • Crashy Time
    • By Crashy Time 8th Sep 17, 10:07 AM
    • 4,846 Posts
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    Crashy Time
    Why does where you live affect the F1 job, as he is away travelling with the job most of the time anyway?
    • gingercordial
    • By gingercordial 8th Sep 17, 10:39 AM
    • 990 Posts
    • 950 Thanks
    gingercordial
    Why does where you live affect the F1 job, as he is away travelling with the job most of the time anyway?
    Originally posted by Crashy Time
    There are different F1 engineering jobs. Some go out on the road with the teams for the racing season so they would not be home much. However other jobs are back at the base, designing and testing new technology and manufacturing replacement cars and spares for the travelling teams. OP says her husband has a 9-5 factory job so that would be the latter with little/no travelling involved.

    The south-east of England is world-renowned for this and several F1 teams are based there, eg Williams in Oxfordshire and McLaren in Woking. Edit: and Red Bull in Milton Keynes, forgot about them.
    Last edited by gingercordial; 08-09-2017 at 10:42 AM.
    • xylophone
    • By xylophone 8th Sep 17, 10:51 AM
    • 22,881 Posts
    • 13,243 Thanks
    xylophone
    Why does where you live affect the F1 job, as he is away travelling with the job most of the time anyway?
    It seems he is now working 9-5.

    He still work s for ,F1 but its factory 9to 5 which has been brilliant.
    I can understand the OP's nostalgia for everyday life in NI.

    My late grandparents lived there and when I was young and on holiday with my parents, I was struck by the close interaction between neighbours and especially family members who were constantly dropping in and popping down the street "for a mineral" or meeting after church or going to socials to dance and hear the latest show band etc.

    For my late father too, NI was always "home".

    However, he did accept that his job was here and that any permanent move "home" would have to wait for retirement (which alas he did not live to see).

    In addition, my mother's home and family were here.

    In the OP's case, "home" is the same for her and her husband and it seems that both wish to return and would return if her husband could obtain a job with equal or better benefits.

    How closely has her husband looked at job prospects in NI?

    Would the OP feel less lonely if she had a lodger from NI who could work in Oxford and would help with child care in the evenings for a reduced rent?
    • Fefee
    • By Fefee 8th Sep 17, 11:37 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Fefee
    Wages range from £1100 to £1900 so its quite broad but with his skills and expertise he could move up rather quickly.
    Im England we do have a good job but the estate we live in rough and the schools. Its abit swings and round abouts.
    • ripplyuk
    • By ripplyuk 8th Sep 17, 1:48 PM
    • 1,622 Posts
    • 1,525 Thanks
    ripplyuk
    My late grandparents lived there and when I was young and on holiday with my parents, I was struck by the close interaction between neighbours and especially family members who were constantly dropping in and popping down the street "for a mineral" or meeting after church or going to socials to dance and hear the latest show band etc.
    Originally posted by xylophone
    That was a very long time ago! It's not like that now.
    • ripplyuk
    • By ripplyuk 8th Sep 17, 2:01 PM
    • 1,622 Posts
    • 1,525 Thanks
    ripplyuk
    OP, I could be way off the mark here (and I apologise if I am) but there is something about your words that is making me wonder if you are mildly depressed and are thinking that this move will solve it.

    The life you describe having right now sounds like you are active and not isolated, yet you are obviously unhappy. I would think very carefully before moving. You might find it doesn't change how you feel, and might even worsen things for you, if your husband starts to resent giving up such a good job. I agree with PasturesNew about how holiday-mode is very different to living there full time.

    Also, becoming a landlord is not to be taken lightly and there will be endless stress with agents/tenants if you don't know what you're doing. Stress that perhaps you'd be better off without right now.
    • lynz68
    • By lynz68 8th Sep 17, 2:02 PM
    • 302 Posts
    • 274 Thanks
    lynz68
    I'm confused now in one post you say he is only home 9 days a month yet in another you say he is now factory based and working 9-5 , maybe I've missed something.

    Also remember when you come home you won't have an income you will need to start your business from scratch which won't be easy
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