Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    • 92Posts
    • 54Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us?
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us? 7th Sep 17 at 1:30 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive. She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion. This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day. What would be a reasonable amount to charge?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

    If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

    This Forum tip was included in MoneySavingExpert.com's weekly email!
    Grab the latest MSE Deals
    Follow the Deals Team on Twitter: @MSE_Deals
    Get Martin's Money Tips
    Join the MSE Forum
Page 7
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 15th Sep 17, 7:58 PM
    • 718 Posts
    • 1,447 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Obviously it isn't normal to live at home all your life, as most people seek to live independently at some point in their lives. We are talking her mainly about young adults returning to the nest when they are in their first or second jobs. Finances often mean that it would be a struggle to live outside the home at this point.

    Those advocating charging the most are those that either seek to fund their own lifestyle choices by profiting out of their children or those that don't have the budget to be independent themselves without the income from their children.

    Those making comparisons with rent costs elsewhere, remember that however liberal and relaxed living with your parents is, it won't give you the freedom that living elsewhere does.
    Originally posted by silvercar
    So what do you think is an acceptable amount to charge adult offspring?

    We definitely don't fit either of your profiles and we only asked our children for £100 pcm but we did feel it important that they realised that not all their income was disposable.
    • Honeylife
    • By Honeylife 15th Sep 17, 9:51 PM
    • 50 Posts
    • 99 Thanks
    Honeylife
    The bottom line of all these responses to the OP is that you SHOULD charge her but HOW much is variable.
    It's not just about whether you need the contribution to the house but that it will also give her some financial reality to be paid regularly as this is generally the norm for the vast majority of us and hopefully will reinforce her budgeting skills.

    I paid my step-mother about 20% of my earnings when I lived at home and she gave me back all two years later saying "don't tell your dad!" I just cried as it was so utterly unexpected and darn useful.

    All my kids have paid a contribution when they were working and living at home and I have saved about 50% and given them that back on departure. But that is entirely up to you. The idea is that life is not about a free ride she should make a contribution if she is earning.
    "... during that time you must never succumb to buying an extra piece of bread for the table or a toy for a child, no." the Pawnbroker 1964
    • Merlin's Beard
    • By Merlin's Beard 16th Sep 17, 11:23 PM
    • 96 Posts
    • 488 Thanks
    Merlin's Beard
    Every situation is different.

    If she were jobless and struggling, then my answer would be that you were mean to begrudge your child a roof over her head.

    If you were comfortable, then perhaps it might be easier to let the idea slide for the sake of family relationships and perhaps to allow her to save that money for future use.

    But If you are economising and she is not, because you are funding her costs while she funds her lifestyle, then this is an unfair situation. A frank discussion about what it costs you to have her live there, what you are giving up to allow for that financially, is needed. With figures! Get the gas/electric/water usage for this year and last out, and show her the difference is what she uses and what that costs. Get the grocery bills out. Tell her what you need to do with that money, but can't.
    Grocery Challenge June 17 onward; aim: £100/month; leftovers to date: £5.81
    • cheesetoast
    • By cheesetoast 17th Sep 17, 8:38 AM
    • 251 Posts
    • 162 Thanks
    cheesetoast
    "she found the cost of independent living too expensive."
    "She has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. "

    Uh... Those two statements are very contradictory.

    I don't think charging her a set figure is the right way. Agree a spending money figure for her (say, £100 a week) and take 100% of the rest of her income, pay rises included.
    • Honeylife
    • By Honeylife 17th Sep 17, 9:00 AM
    • 50 Posts
    • 99 Thanks
    Honeylife
    [QUOTE=happyandcontented;73131237]So what do you think is an acceptable amount to charge adult offspring?

    20 to 25% of their income after tax/NI deductions. You can then either save some of this for them if you want. Talking my friend's age group (50 - 60 years old), this is what we all seemed to have contributed to our parents including those who had spells on the dole.
    "... during that time you must never succumb to buying an extra piece of bread for the table or a toy for a child, no." the Pawnbroker 1964
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 9:09 AM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    Charge her nothing. She is your child you shouldn't be making a profit from your own children
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 9:11 AM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    "she found the cost of independent living too expensive."
    "She has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. "

    Uh... Those two statements are very contradictory.

    I don't think charging her a set figure is the right way. Agree a spending money figure for her (say, £100 a week) and take 100% of the rest of her income, pay rises included.
    Originally posted by cheesetoast
    You're being ridiculous. You can charge rent but you can't take almost a persons entire wage and then just give them a weekly allowance. We are not in the 19th century....
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Sep 17, 9:16 AM
    • 17,631 Posts
    • 44,871 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Every situation is different.

    If she were jobless and struggling, then my answer would be that you were mean to begrudge your child a roof over her head.

    If you were comfortable, then perhaps it might be easier to let the idea slide for the sake of family relationships and perhaps to allow her to save that money for future use.

    But If you are economising and she is not, because you are funding her costs while she funds her lifestyle, then this is an unfair situation. A frank discussion about what it costs you to have her live there, what you are giving up to allow for that financially, is needed. With figures! Get the gas/electric/water usage for this year and last out, and show her the difference is what she uses and what that costs. Get the grocery bills out. Tell her what you need to do with that money, but can't.
    Originally posted by Merlin's Beard
    I agree every situation is different.

    But in this situation, it is as it in bold.
    The parents are clearly not comfortable financially.

    "she found the cost of independent living too expensive."
    "She has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. "

    Uh... Those two statements are very contradictory.

    I don't think charging her a set figure is the right way. Agree a spending money figure for her (say, £100 a week) and take 100% of the rest of her income, pay rises included.
    Originally posted by cheesetoast
    WOW!
    A suggestion right out the Dark Ages.

    My parents did this to me when I first started work 47 years ago.
    I didn't like it.
    Don't get me wrong, I was expecting to contribute towards the household (AFAIK that was how it worked 'in those days') but I was not happy about just having spending money when I had a full time job..
    It encouraged me to move out as soon as I could afford to.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 17th Sep 17, 10:00 AM
    • 19,510 Posts
    • 31,526 Thanks
    Spendless
    WOW!
    A suggestion right out the Dark Ages.

    My parents did this to me when I first started work 47 years ago.
    I didn't like it.
    Don't get me wrong, I was expecting to contribute towards the household (AFAIK that was how it worked 'in those days') but I was not happy about just having spending money when I had a full time job..
    It encouraged me to move out as soon as I could afford to.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I was thinking that. But maybe that was the idea being floated?? When my parents did something I found unfair, raised my 'keep' by the exact amount I received as a pay-rise, I ensured I never told them about my actual income ever again.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 17th Sep 17, 11:14 AM
    • 685 Posts
    • 670 Thanks
    badmemory
    I don't think any of us can answer this without knowing how old this child is. Is she 18, 25 or 30? Is she trying to save to buy a home or just thinks she can live free at someone else's expense whilst she chucks money away & the people she is living with have to struggle. Any reasonable child should soon realise that this is not reasonable behaviour.
    • coffee18
    • By coffee18 17th Sep 17, 11:39 AM
    • 36 Posts
    • 22 Thanks
    coffee18
    Charge her nothing. She is your child you shouldn't be making a profit from your own children
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    They have said they are not comfortably off so to expect them to incur the extra costs of their daughter living with them is ridiculous, and if a child of mine expected this I would have failed miserably in trying to bring up a decent human being.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Sep 17, 11:54 AM
    • 17,631 Posts
    • 44,871 Thanks
    Pollycat
    They have said they are not comfortably off so to expect them to incur the extra costs of their daughter living with them is ridiculous, and if a child of mine expected this I would have failed miserably in trying to bring up a decent human being.
    Originally posted by coffee18
    I agree with this.

    There's a world of difference between profiting from an adult child living at home and expecting him/her to at least cover any additional costs incurred.
    And the latter is what the OP is asking for:

    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive. She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion. This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day. What would be a reasonable amount to charge?
    Originally posted by MSE Sarah
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 12:19 PM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    They have said they are not comfortably off so to expect them to incur the extra costs of their daughter living with them is ridiculous, and if a child of mine expected this I would have failed miserably in trying to bring up a decent human being.
    Originally posted by coffee18

    If I got in the situation where I couldn't afford to house my own child in the family home without charging then then I have failed miserably as a parent.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Sep 17, 12:24 PM
    • 17,631 Posts
    • 44,871 Thanks
    Pollycat
    If I got in the situation where I couldn't afford to house my own child in the family home without charging then then I have failed miserably as a parent.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    But some people do find themselves in that situation through no fault of their own.

    Ill-health?
    Redundancy?

    Can happen to anyone and really shouldn't reflect on the parents' inability to allow a wage-earning adult offspring to live for free in the family home.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 17th Sep 17, 12:43 PM
    • 685 Posts
    • 670 Thanks
    badmemory
    If I got in the situation where I couldn't afford to house my own child in the family home without charging then then I have failed miserably as a parent.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    But we are not talking about housing them are we? We are talking about feeding them, paying for all the extra power usage (& they tend to get through quite a lot) etc etc. How long do we finance our adult children? Till they are 60 & we are in our 80s? Someone who thinks they are entitled to freeload will never stop freeloading without a massive fallout unless it is dealt with from the start.

    It is one thing for them to move back home after say finishing studying or a breakup or redundancy or to save for a home of their own & I would say finance that as a parent as much as you can. But to move back home & expect to freeload whilst they chuck money away - sorry not going to happen.
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 1:10 PM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    But some people do find themselves in that situation through no fault of their own.

    Ill-health?
    Redundancy?

    Can happen to anyone and really shouldn't reflect on the parents' inability to allow a wage-earning adult offspring to live for free in the family home.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    You should make adequate insurance to protect you from ill health and redundancy. If you don't then it is your fault.

    One extra adult in the house does not make that much of a cost difference despite the hysteria being posted on this thread.

    If you rely on your child's income to live then you've got bigger problems than how much rent you've got coming in from them.
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 1:13 PM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    sorry not going to happen.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    Well it is happening.....

    What do you propose the OP does? Throw her daughter out of the family home?

    Ruin the family relationship for the sake of a couple of hundred quid a month?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Sep 17, 1:16 PM
    • 17,631 Posts
    • 44,871 Thanks
    Pollycat
    You should make adequate insurance to protect you from ill health and redundancy. If you don't then it is your fault.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    WOW!
    You really do live in an ideal world, don't you!

    Some people have all on managing to exist on their wages and bringing children up to be able to afford insurance against ill-health and redundancy.

    One extra adult in the house does not make that much of a cost difference despite the hysteria being posted on this thread.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    Maybe you don't think it does (or would) because you are in a different financial position to parents that know it does actually make a difference to their already-stretched finances.

    Y
    If you rely on your child's income to live then you've got bigger problems than how much rent you've got coming in from them.
    Originally posted by JReacher1
    But this family are not relying on their child's income to live.
    They are simply asking her to cover the additional costs of her living at home.
    • mickey54
    • By mickey54 17th Sep 17, 1:34 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 522 Thanks
    mickey54
    [I]WOW!
    A suggestion right out the Dark Ages.

    My parents did this to me when I first started work 47 years ago.
    I didn't like it.
    Don't get me wrong, I was expecting to contribute towards the household (AFAIK that was how it worked 'in those days') but I was not happy about just having spending money when I had a full time job..
    It encouraged me to move out as soon as I could afford to.

    That's exactly what happened to me...and over 50 years of working, have never forgotten it.

    My own kids, it was dependant on earnings.
    Youngest was an apprentice, and he hardly had enough for himself, but what he did give me, he probably got more back in the week.
    Two oldest was 20 per week to start, then increasing as their pay went up.
    Nowadays, they all own their own homes, and could buy and sell me. And I didn't give them anything back when they left home.
    • JReacher1
    • By JReacher1 17th Sep 17, 1:37 PM
    • 2,584 Posts
    • 3,552 Thanks
    JReacher1
    WOW!
    Maybe you don't think it does (or would) because you are in a different financial position to parents that know it does actually make a difference to their already-stretched finances.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I just don't see how one extra person adds that much? Maybe I'll have to pay the cleaner for an extra couple of hours a weekl and increase the food shop a bit but it's not really expensive to have an extra person living in the house.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,084Posts Today

6,619Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • RT @thismorning: 'Sometimes the best gift is releasing somebody else from the obligation of having to give to you' says @MartinSLewis. Do y?

  • Shana tova umetuka - a sweet Jewish New Year to all celebrating. I won't be online the rest of t'week, as I take the time to be with family

  • Dear Steve. Please note doing a poll to ask people's opinion does not in itself imply an opinion! https://t.co/UGvWlMURxy

  • Follow Martin