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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    • 101Posts
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    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us?
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us? 7th Sep 17 at 1:30 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive. She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion. This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day. What would be a reasonable amount to charge?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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Page 5
    • Shreddie
    • By Shreddie 13th Sep 17, 5:32 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Shreddie
    OMG what a greedy girl. She really should feel obliged to pay towards her board considering she already KNOWS how expensive it is to live alone. I don't understand why everyone assumes that it is a parent's responsibility to keep a 'child' into adulthood when the said child probably has more disposable income than the parents! If this was my child I would be really disappointed and wonder where I went wrong. A frank discussion on the realities of life is required....
    • HeyerFan
    • By HeyerFan 13th Sep 17, 6:36 PM
    • 466 Posts
    • 26,785 Thanks
    HeyerFan
    When I first started work at 16, I gave my parents a third of my take home pay. Every time I had a pay rise they got one too. Eventually my Mum refused to take any additional money. So probably to begin with I wasn't covering the expense of living at home (as I remember I was on £8k a year before tax, though this was 30+ years ago) but I made up for it later when I could afford it.
    • tpook82
    • By tpook82 13th Sep 17, 6:50 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    tpook82
    When I was earning £16k a year 15 years ago and at home I was paying £100 per month to contribute towards costs. When I was lucky and got a new job taking me into £20k it jumped to £200 a month. Very reasonable as got all the home services included.

    Your daughter is clearly expecting a free ride. Show her the bills and what it would cost her to move out, she may wake up and realise.
    • penarthian
    • By penarthian 13th Sep 17, 7:18 PM
    • 55 Posts
    • 78 Thanks
    penarthian
    A percentage
    Charging a percentage allows for pay rises! Others have suggested 25% but I think 33% gives equal shares to parents/daughter's savings/daughter
    This formula works well for low paid workers as well as the better off.
    • psouth
    • By psouth 13th Sep 17, 8:22 PM
    • 15 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    psouth
    Ouch!
    Don't feel bad about charging an adult, earning child a fair share of their income. 20K after tax is a pretty good salary...some of us have to survive on less! The OS rule was a third saved, a third paid and a third for fun. If she is paying you more than you feel she costs you, bank it for when she gets her first real home and help out that way. Our son bought his own house at 23 with a 45% deposit and is paying his own way in the world, no whinging about having to pay for things. If she wants to live at home, she pays - simple!
    • takman
    • By takman 13th Sep 17, 10:31 PM
    • 2,810 Posts
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    takman
    These threads have been done to death and always get the same types of responses again and again:

    1. The "Pick a number out of thin air" response where someone specify's an amount they think is fair with no justification whatsoever - I think this is a poor way of doing it because you have no way of knowing how much this covers in relation to the actual bills/increase in bills based on the OP's circumstances.

    2. The "Percentage of their wages response" which is usually suggested as a fairly high amount of around 25% - 33% - again this doesn't take into account of actual bills and at these percentages is likely to result in a profit for the parents.

    3. The "Split bills by number of adults in household" or "Pay the extra costs" response - These are one of the most fair ways of doing it because you actually know exactly what they are covering and also shows your on top of your household budgeting which you can explain to your kids.

    4. The "Don't charge them anything" response - With this one at least your not charging an arbitrary amount and if your well off and don't want to charge then there is nothing wrong with that. But this obviously doesn't apply to a lot of households and most people asking what they should charge are likely not looking for this answer.

    5. The "Save some/all of the money they pay and give back for a house" response - This is one of the silliest ways to do it in my opinion. Whats the point in secretly saving money for them they aren't little children. If you don't want the money then teach them the importance of saving themselves and how to get the best interest rates. Secretly saving just shows you don't trust your children to handle money correctly and then you get the slightly twisted scenario at the end where you give them back all THEIR money and expect them to be grateful for it.


    The most popular justification for them paying at least some money is that it teaches them some kind of lesson about living in the "real" world and teaches them they must pay bills. Now i can understand this to an extent but this is only relevant if you actually go through the household finances with them and explain what a house costs each month and what bills need to be paid. By the time they are 18 and out working they should understand this already. But them simply paying an amount each month is not teaching them anything useful.

    Some people also talk about having a "shock" when moving out at the cost of living this definitely shows they didn't prepare properly before they moved out. The most valuable lesson that a parent can teach their children about money is how to budget properly. If your children know how to budget and plan ahead then they will never be "shocked" at the costs when moving out.

    Although if your someone who also thinks that a child should pay their lodge/board by "Direct Debit" then you should definitely do a lot more reading up on personal finances before you teach your children anything....

    T£60-£80 per week, set up on direct debit is not unreasonable!
    Originally posted by clogmaker
    Think your Daughter should, at the very least, pay £325 per calendar month so she has a fixed amount that she could pay by direct debit & budget for every month.
    Originally posted by Pete998
    • lesbro
    • By lesbro 13th Sep 17, 10:36 PM
    • 37 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    lesbro
    I charged my children half their earnings and put half of that into an endowmant policy that paid out when they were 21. By then they had both moved out and the money was appreciated.
    • takman
    • By takman 13th Sep 17, 11:14 PM
    • 2,810 Posts
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    takman
    I charged my children half their earnings and put half of that into an endowmant policy that paid out when they were 21. By then they had both moved out and the money was appreciated.
    Originally posted by lesbro
    A good old response number 2 with the added bonus of the " slightly twisted" appreciation of getting their own money back because they weren't trusted to save the money themselves .
    • BethP
    • By BethP 13th Sep 17, 11:14 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    BethP
    How much rent should we charge our daughter?
    If daughter is earning £20,000pa nett, then £500pm.

    My mother had me pay her £10pm when I was earning £32pm nett.

    You could always secretly save it up in a stocks and shares ISA and hand her any surplus at your discretion when she moves on.

    Around here, monthly rentals of a two bed flat are £700pm; 3 bed semi £900; 4 bed semi £1200. All plus CT and bills.

    London of course is a lot more. Our son paid £700pm + bills for a bedroom in a shared house in Finsbury Park until October last year. Even with our financial help he couldn't afford it and moved to Tallinn.
    • onlineo
    • By onlineo 13th Sep 17, 11:25 PM
    • 42 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    onlineo
    You dont have to be rich to offer free accommodation.

    But I think the crux of the matter is that you see her as wasting a lot of her money and you are not wanting to give her a freebie just so that she can waste it. I would suggest your daughter needs to learn budgeting and the financial value and costs of her spending. What value does she perceive she gets from it and what value does she actually get from it. Maybe talking her through some forums on moneysaving expert might be a good start. Next she could do all your utility and insurance bills for you. Whatever she can reduce your monthly bills by she can have half knocked off her rent. The same could be with your food shopping, she will start to understand eventually.
    • svain
    • By svain 13th Sep 17, 11:32 PM
    • 182 Posts
    • 338 Thanks
    svain
    Jesus christ!! .... Soooo glad a lot of you guys werent my parents .... £500 per month to live at home ... wtf!! .... Just pure greed!!
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 14th Sep 17, 12:26 AM
    • 3,014 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    I know the last time this subject reared its head, I was taken to task for saying I'd miss my son's rent as it went into my fun fund.....but I digress.

    Next week he moves into his first home & he's now aware of what it actually costs to run a home although knowing the theory is different to practising it lol!

    Had he objected to paying what we asked for in rent, he would have been free to move out - in fact I think during one discussion I suggested that but a quick internet search soon brought him back to the negotiation table

    Takman is spot on with his analysis of these types of threads - what works for one family isn't for another.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


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    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Sep 17, 8:41 AM
    • 18,278 Posts
    • 46,769 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Jesus christ!! .... Soooo glad a lot of you guys werent my parents .... £500 per month to live at home ... wtf!! .... Just pure greed!!
    Originally posted by svain
    Absolutely.

    Move into your own place and pay the rent/mortgage and all the bills.
    • gloriouslyhappy
    • By gloriouslyhappy 14th Sep 17, 9:00 AM
    • 346 Posts
    • 679 Thanks
    gloriouslyhappy
    [QUOTE=
    Jesus christ!! .... Soooo glad a lot of you guys werent my parents .... £500 per month to live at home ... wtf!! .... Just pure greed!![/QUOTE]
    Originally posted by svain

    Absolutely.

    Move into your own place and pay the rent/mortgage and all the bills.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Absolutely - and do all your own cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping, lawn-mowing, house maintenance, rubbish taking-out, recycle-sorting, waiting in for deliveries, on-demand taxi service providing, etc etc etc while you wallow in the satisfaction of knowing your greedy parents are not getting any money off you because you're attempting to make that pittance they might charge cover everything your greedy parents would otherwise do for you. WTF indeed.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 14th Sep 17, 9:02 AM
    • 18,278 Posts
    • 46,769 Thanks
    Pollycat
    ^^^^ Love it!

    You put it so much better than I did.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 14th Sep 17, 9:05 AM
    • 36,042 Posts
    • 152,232 Thanks
    silvercar
    I know the last time this subject reared its head, I was taken to task for saying I'd miss my son's rent as it went into my fun fund.....but I digress.

    Next week he moves into his first home & he's now aware of what it actually costs to run a home although knowing the theory is different to practising it lol!
    I hope you have budgeted, to manage without the income you will now lose.
    • Cimscate
    • By Cimscate 14th Sep 17, 9:15 AM
    • 121 Posts
    • 136 Thanks
    Cimscate
    Not about love!
    You chose to have kids out of love so don't switch that off just because your offspring's grown up and earning, or make parental love conditional on her paying you for living at home! Reducing relationships to a financial consideration isn't loving or encouraging your daughter to see beyond pound signs. Encourage her to save eg for a deposit instead with any spare cash
    Originally posted by Jupiter4
    This is a terrible post, surely one of the duties of parents is to prepare their children for the world which includes a realistic approach to money. OP says they are already economising so surely a loving daughter should see that she has to pay her way! I certainly never thought my parents didn't love me because I had to contribute to household expenses.
    • Mistymoo
    • By Mistymoo 14th Sep 17, 9:21 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mistymoo
    Split the household bills 3 ways and show her how you worked it out it's only fair she pays her own way.
    • Fujiko
    • By Fujiko 14th Sep 17, 10:13 AM
    • 149 Posts
    • 183 Thanks
    Fujiko
    Jesus christ!! .... Soooo glad a lot of you guys werent my parents .... £500 per month to live at home ... wtf!! .... Just pure greed!!
    Originally posted by svain
    On the assumption that you are not being sarcastic, I agree with you wholeheartedly. My first reaction to this problem was what a selfish, unfeeling daughter but then wondered how the parents had managed to raise one who was on the face of it so mean. How good was the relationship before she left home? Personally I would be ashamed if my daughter behaved as she has.
    We are by no standard wealthy, but I would never have even considered charging my daughter to continue to live in her home which she did until she left to get married. The daily expenses were exactly the same as they had always been - one fewer person in a house does not mean an automatic reduction in gas, electricity, water etc usage, and has absolutely no bearing on Council Tax. I did not run the washing machine or dishwasher exclusively to deal with her usage and as she got older she actually ate less frequently at home and more frequently with friends.In any case, who measures out the amount of food used per head? There was and always has been plenty and often left-overs to make the next meal or go into the freezer!
    The result - while living at home and once she was earning she voluntarily said thank you with a weekly bunch of flowers, bottle of wine or chocolates, and taking us out for meals or a day out.
    Perhaps instead of spending time with a calculator the parents in this case should examine their own record in child-rearing.
    • silvercar
    • By silvercar 14th Sep 17, 11:23 AM
    • 36,042 Posts
    • 152,232 Thanks
    silvercar
    Split the household bills 3 ways and show her how you worked it out it's only fair she pays her own way.
    Originally posted by Mistymoo
    That really isn't "fair" as she is paying for your housing choices. If we downsized to a small well insulated flat, our heating costs would be far lower than it is in our older larger house.
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