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  • FIRST POST
    • Crazy Diamond
    • By Crazy Diamond 7th Sep 17, 12:21 PM
    • 103Posts
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    Crazy Diamond
    My husband wants to leave me if I donít have more children
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 12:21 PM
    My husband wants to leave me if I donít have more children 7th Sep 17 at 12:21 PM
    I am really confused. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have a son who is 6 and has Fragile X and autism. My husband has always wanted a large family however I have been uncertain about having more children because of the effort taken in looking after one child with learning disabilities. Having recently turned 40 my husband is desperate for more children. I am 3 years younger.

    As Fragile X is a genetic condition (I am the carrier) we have been exploring pre-implantation genetic diagnosis which is basically IVF where the embryo is screened before it is implanted. I have a 50% chance of passing on the gene if I have a child naturally. One of the issues however with being a Fragile X carrier is ovarian failure and I found out that embryo screening will not be effective due to my limited egg supply.

    We could try egg donation at a cost of £16k per cycle (with 50% chance of success) or natural pregnancy and then amniocentesis at 12 weeks to test for fragile x. We have agreed however we do not want another child with fragile x and there would be a 50% chance that I would need an abortion at 12 weeks.

    I have been thinking that I would like another child although mainly because I would like someone else there for our son as he does will have any other family after we die and will need support when he is an adult. I am very unsure of these other options though as I do not want an abortion at 12 weeks and I am unsure about egg donation given the cost, the probability of success and the fact the baby would not be genetically mine.

    My husband has been putting lots of pressure on me to make a decision. He basically said that he wants a Ďproper familyí and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner. Although he loves our son he wants what he calls a Ďnormal childí and is prepared to leave us to get this.

    Before he started to pressurise me I was coming round to the idea of egg donation however his attitude is now making me question why I am with him. He does have a great relationship with our son and I donít think I could cope with our son on my own due to both financial issues and his needs. I do work part time but my salary is quite low as I have been putting our son before my career.

    I really donít know what to do now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Page 3
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 8th Sep 17, 1:21 PM
    • 13,422 Posts
    • 36,577 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    Would he be so keen on having another child if he was the one doing the 24/7 caring?

    He's putting his wants before you and the child he has - you might be better off without him around!
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Or the one going through 9 months pregnancy and then childbirth and facing the risk of permanent damage to your body from that (which, I gather, is a pretty high level of risk). Even if your body got totally back to normal after the first pregnancy - doesnt mean to say it would after a second one.
    If there's "4 tendencies" type of people (Gretchen Rubin) = yep....Questioner type here
    - Meets an expectation only if they believe it's justified and resists anything arbitrary or ineffective
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 8th Sep 17, 1:59 PM
    • 9,518 Posts
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    hazyjo
    What if the second baby is disabled.
    Originally posted by BBH123
    A valid point. You're not just prone to one thing and one thing only that may go wrong. Anything could happen - a baby could be born with a disability or illness, or something unforeseen like being starved of oxygen during birth, premature, or even an accident early on! You never know what's round the corner. What would your husband do then? If I thought I was with someone who wouldn't support and love us no matter what, he'd be out the door.

    My cousin had a baby with Downs last year. They're in their 20s. It was missed entirely until way too late to even consider abortion. Sadly the baby lived for less than 6 months (hospital's negligence).

    Your husband seems to think he's immune from lightning striking twice.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation
    • missprice
    • By missprice 8th Sep 17, 2:17 PM
    • 3,191 Posts
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    missprice
    Course she will, a single mum looking after a disabled child. What could possibly go wrong there?

    In a perfect world we can get all fairy tale and tell the evil husband to clear off but this is the real world where she'll be working all hours of the day to support herself and this unwanted child whilst husband is making his perfect family with a new, younger woman.

    No, best advice is to forget what everyone on here has said (except me) and do as he says.
    Originally posted by Ronaldo Mconaldo
    Ummm hope this is a wry post.
    Just in case it's a real idea,
    What if the second child is disabled or becomes disabled relatively young.
    What if it's a "normal" child but husband wants yet more.
    What if it's a "normal" child but he leaves anyway.
    84 mortgage payments to go.

    Zero wins 2016 😥
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 8th Sep 17, 2:43 PM
    • 15,791 Posts
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    FBaby
    I think there are a number of issues you need to go through, firstly the fertility one and the impact of using donor eggs, the second the implication of having another child whilst raising a disabled one, and thirdly, your relationship (which will need to be solid if you are to go through it).


    Although I agree that relationship counselling is a good idea, I think you might also need to have fertility counselling as this is very specialised and a general relationship counsellor might not fully take on the implications. My understanding is that if you are under the care of a fertility consultant, you should have access to their counselling service.


    I think this could help your OH coming to term with the fact that it might not happen through no fault of yours, and for you to be fully committed to using donor eggs and to have a baby that wouldn't be genetically yours which is a hard decision. They will also help with exploring the implication of considering natural conception, genetic testing and potential medical abortion.


    Whatever you do, you need to do it together 100% for it to lead to a positive outcome.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 8th Sep 17, 3:00 PM
    • 1,426 Posts
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    Loz01
    As others have said, what if something unforeseen happened and you had a second child with Down Syndrome or brain damage or spina bifida or epilsepy or any number of issues - would he then walk out and leave you with two disabled children?

    Do YOU actually want a second baby in your own heart? Not just to please him and KEEP him?
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 8th Sep 17, 3:39 PM
    • 1,132 Posts
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    pearl123
    I'd tell husband to grow up and also to get stuffed.
    By the way having a child just to look after existing child an absolutely appalling idea.
    • phillw
    • By phillw 8th Sep 17, 4:32 PM
    • 803 Posts
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    phillw
    Whatever you do, you need to do it together 100% for it to lead to a positive outcome.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Yeah, because right now whatever as a result of an ultimatum will lead to resentment.
    • tikki999
    • By tikki999 8th Sep 17, 10:36 PM
    • 21 Posts
    • 26 Thanks
    tikki999
    The problem with a 'dreamer' like that = what 'is' will never be good enough...IF you decide to proceed and IF you have a 'normal' child that is no guarantee that s/he would be exactly the child your husband wants...children are not mini-me's or there to fulfil their parent's dreams or ambitions...and then what will that mean? another ultimatum and further distress and suffering...much heart to heart needed because IF your marriage survives this HOW will you both move forward...how will you trust him to stay and BE a father to your living, breathing, child and a husband to you?

    There are no easy answers...because the emotional, practical and financial impacts are so big. Some sort of counselling would be a good start, even if you go alone to begin with...
    • MEM62
    • By MEM62 11th Sep 17, 10:26 AM
    • 1,329 Posts
    • 949 Thanks
    MEM62
    My husband has been putting lots of pressure on me to make a decision. He basically said that he wants a ‘proper family’ and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner. Although he loves our son he wants what he calls a ‘normal child’ and is prepared to leave us to get this.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond
    I am sorry to hear of your difficulties and I hope that you manage to find a solution that keeps you and your OH together. In respect of his threat to leave, I tend to be a little unforgiving of such threats as, to me, they show a complete lack of respect or consideration for you - either as an individual or as his wife.

    Anyone presenting such an ultimatum to me would receive only one response "Bye then......"
    • Rags2riches
    • By Rags2riches 11th Sep 17, 11:09 AM
    • 42 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    Rags2riches
    My husband has been putting lots of pressure on me to make a decision. He basically said that he wants a ‘proper family’ and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond
    It sounds like he has some issues which need resolving BEFORE any decision to increase the size of your family are made. I'd try to ascertain why he thinks it is acceptable to threaten leaving you if he doesn't get his way. That isn't grounds for a healthy marriage in my view.

    But people do sometimes say things they don't mean when they are afraid of communicating their true feelings. It seems to me he may have some underlying feelings of inadequacy.
    Last edited by Rags2riches; 11-09-2017 at 11:12 AM.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 11th Sep 17, 11:51 AM
    • 680 Posts
    • 666 Thanks
    badmemory
    OP what does your doctor say about this idea? I assume you must also have a consultant too, what does he/she have to say?
    • maman
    • By maman 11th Sep 17, 12:15 PM
    • 16,639 Posts
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    maman
    I can't add anything to whether or not you should have another child. Lots of wise posts already.


    I agree that it would be very wrong to have another child to provide a carer, and I realise OP that you didn't really mean it that way. I just wanted to put the other side of that same coin. I have a nephew with severe hearing impairment. From the day that he was born his older sister (2 years older) has had to play second fiddle. I realise that OP's son has a much more serious disability but the principle is the same. It's hard for a child seeing a sibling getting so much (albeit needed) extra time and attention.


    On another issue, I wouldn't refuse DH's offer of help totally out of hand. Extra help doesn't have to be as expensive as a nanny. Even a cleaner or someone to do ironing can lighten the load.
    • troubleinparadise
    • By troubleinparadise 11th Sep 17, 6:07 PM
    • 966 Posts
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    troubleinparadise
    Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..

    A friend had had bad times in her three pregnancies, having to spend months in hospital due to high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, and one of her babies was born at 26 weeks, but fortunately survived after months in special care.

    Approaching 40, her husband started hankering after "just one more baby" - not really having got particularly involved in the previous pregnancies nor young baby time, and she certainly didn't want to go through all that again. But rather than have a marriage threatening showdown and refusal, she just agreed to try for one more. I don't know the details, but somehow it just never worked, so they just agreed to accept that nature was making the decision for them.

    I'm not sure I could live with that level of deceit, but in their case it meant that life carried on with their marriage intact and questions seemingly answered, and that was the end of the matter. Each to their own, and we all find our own ways of dealing with relationship challenges.
    • phillw
    • By phillw 11th Sep 17, 6:22 PM
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    phillw
    Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..
    Originally posted by troubleinparadise
    It seems like you do advocate it.
    • LilElvis
    • By LilElvis 11th Sep 17, 6:38 PM
    • 3,087 Posts
    • 8,570 Thanks
    LilElvis
    Whilst I don't advocate deception, I have seen it work in a marriage on a similar matter..
    Originally posted by troubleinparadise
    I can't see how the OP could fake going through a cycle of IVF with either PGD or donor eggs, though I'm willing to be enlightened.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 11th Sep 17, 7:06 PM
    • 1,733 Posts
    • 2,528 Thanks
    Robisere
    Your husband would not be carrying the baby HE wants. He would not have to suffer the invasive donor-egg/IVF process. He would probably be off with even more haste, should you bear HIM another child with a disability. And he would certainly not suffer the mental and physical suffering of an abortion.

    Seems to me that he is a very controlling individual. Ask him how he would share any of the above suffering with you. Of course he can't, so why would he expect that of you? You are a person, not a biological machine.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • troubleinparadise
    • By troubleinparadise 11th Sep 17, 7:31 PM
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    troubleinparadise
    It seems like you do advocate it.
    Originally posted by phillw
    No, I'm simply repeating a story.

    That doesn't mean I agree with it, nor recommend it. Not all marriages/relationships are based on total honesty or thoughtful caring actions.

    I just find it interesting observing how different people deal with different situations, and continue to learn. Life just isn't black and white, and this thread bears that out.

    It's up to the OP to work out what she wants and is prepared to live with - or not.
    • Toto
    • By Toto 12th Sep 17, 8:10 AM
    • 6,446 Posts
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    Toto
    As a fragile x/autism mum I completely empathise with this.

    it's really hard to live with but sometimes people struggle with not having the experience of a child without disability, they mourn the loss of what they exected parenthood should be. That doesn't mean you need to bow down and have a baby to please your husband but it might just be a simple case of him seeing a very simple solution to a situation and him not fully understanding the entire impact upon you.

    I've struggled with the just one more child thing, I'd love another but there is no way on earth I could manage another FX child so I completely get how you feel about it.

    There is no easy solution but communication, calm talking and lots of it will be the only way through it


    "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid" - Albert Einstein
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 12th Sep 17, 10:46 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    If you and your husband really love each other, then there is a way through this. You need to communicate. Fully. You both need to listen as well as talk. And you both need to be totally honest.

    I can understand that he wants a 'normal' relationship with a child of his own. What I can't understand is why he would break up a happy marriage to get it. I can absolutely understand why the OP has misgivings.

    Communicate, honestly, now.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine ó 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • sile001
    • By sile001 13th Sep 17, 5:52 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 70 Thanks
    sile001
    Dear OP, my sympathies are entirely with you and your son at this time. Perhaps your husband needs some counselling to help him to understand just what he is asking of you.

    Considering the invasive and expensive nature of the conception of a future child, would he still be so determined if he was the one who had to undergo the treatment? I'm thinking not.

    I do hope you manage to work your way out of this impasse. Good luck
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