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  • FIRST POST
    • Crazy Diamond
    • By Crazy Diamond 7th Sep 17, 12:21 PM
    • 103Posts
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    Crazy Diamond
    My husband wants to leave me if I donít have more children
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 12:21 PM
    My husband wants to leave me if I donít have more children 7th Sep 17 at 12:21 PM
    I am really confused. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have a son who is 6 and has Fragile X and autism. My husband has always wanted a large family however I have been uncertain about having more children because of the effort taken in looking after one child with learning disabilities. Having recently turned 40 my husband is desperate for more children. I am 3 years younger.

    As Fragile X is a genetic condition (I am the carrier) we have been exploring pre-implantation genetic diagnosis which is basically IVF where the embryo is screened before it is implanted. I have a 50% chance of passing on the gene if I have a child naturally. One of the issues however with being a Fragile X carrier is ovarian failure and I found out that embryo screening will not be effective due to my limited egg supply.

    We could try egg donation at a cost of £16k per cycle (with 50% chance of success) or natural pregnancy and then amniocentesis at 12 weeks to test for fragile x. We have agreed however we do not want another child with fragile x and there would be a 50% chance that I would need an abortion at 12 weeks.

    I have been thinking that I would like another child although mainly because I would like someone else there for our son as he does will have any other family after we die and will need support when he is an adult. I am very unsure of these other options though as I do not want an abortion at 12 weeks and I am unsure about egg donation given the cost, the probability of success and the fact the baby would not be genetically mine.

    My husband has been putting lots of pressure on me to make a decision. He basically said that he wants a Ďproper familyí and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner. Although he loves our son he wants what he calls a Ďnormal childí and is prepared to leave us to get this.

    Before he started to pressurise me I was coming round to the idea of egg donation however his attitude is now making me question why I am with him. He does have a great relationship with our son and I donít think I could cope with our son on my own due to both financial issues and his needs. I do work part time but my salary is quite low as I have been putting our son before my career.

    I really donít know what to do now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Page 2
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 7th Sep 17, 8:28 PM
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    Loz01
    He basically said that he wants a Ďproper familyí and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner. Although he loves our son he wants what he calls a Ďnormal childí and is prepared to leave us to get this.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond

    Sorry but I'd show him the door if he said this to me. How..... staggeringly selfish and thoughtless.
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    • leslieknope
    • By leslieknope 7th Sep 17, 8:37 PM
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    leslieknope
    might i suggest he fornicates himself?

    a lot of people survive just fine as an only child. a lot of parents are fine with one child, single children families are still regular families. the fact he is making these kind of threats in a 15 year relationship without considering your feelings really shows his true character.

    he will not love both children the same. he will favour the "normal" child. i can promise you that.
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    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 7th Sep 17, 8:37 PM
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    Tigsteroonie
    So in his eyes, you've given him a 'duff' kid and unless you give him a decent kid, he's going to f off and find somebody else who will?

    Tell him to f off. Don't worry about how you'll manage, you'll find a way.
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 8th Sep 17, 8:26 AM
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    FBaby
    What a sad situation for both of you, with the stress and frustration taking its toll on him and not bringing the best of him. His reaction to your indecisiveness is not helpful at all, but at the same time, posters are usely understanding of people feeling extreme broodiness, normally women, but as in your case, it can be men who feel it.


    You mention in your first post that IVF with your eggs is not an option. Is this what a fertility consultant said? Because you wrote it, it doesn't make complete sense. It might be that your condition makes you less fertile, ie. less good quality eggs to harvester and therefore to test, and consequently a lower chance of healthy embryos to implant, but that doesn't mean that it isn't possible. Have you had any fertility tests yet?


    It sounds like you (two) have fallen into a vicious circle probably for lack of good communication. You might have started a bit unsure about having a second child whilst he grew more and more broody, then your lack of clarity, maybe him feeling that you were leading him on has turned into frustration and desperation on his part leading to putting pressure on you in a very unpleasant way, leading to you even considering whether to be with him, let alone have another child.


    I think your focus need to be on learning to feel comfortable to communicate your feelings to each other again and feeling listened to. Both ways. You also need to have absolute clarity in terms of thechoices you have (depending on how much clinical test/advice you've already had), and then you need to put every option on the table and discuss the pros and cons. Assuming you are working together on this, you then owe to your husband to be totally honest about what you want to do.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 8th Sep 17, 8:39 AM
    • 477 Posts
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    BBH123
    What if the second baby is disabled.
    • indiepanda
    • By indiepanda 8th Sep 17, 9:11 AM
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    indiepanda
    I really feel for you. Your husband sounds extremely selfish - he isn't thinking about anyone but himself, and certainly isn't thinking about how it might be for another child to come into the family and find most of the attention has to go to the older sibling or to have the responsibility of looking out for them when you are gone.

    I doubt there are any guarantees with the fertility treatment that the next child would be "normal" and having seen friends go through it, some successfully, some not, all fertility treatment is very stressful, and with a child at home who is already challenging I think that could easily be a stress too far for you.

    I don't know if this was something he just lashed out and said once in anger or if its a position he has repeated in a calm way. If the former perhaps he is just mourning for the loss of the family life he dreamed off when younger. I can't imagine when starting a family anyone dreams of having a kid with lots of health issues, doesn't mean they aren't loved, but I suspect at least some of the time, some parents in that position are wishing they hadn't had a family after all.

    If he really is determined, I would be very hesitant to give him what he wants. Anyone that cold and manipulative can't be trusted to stick around after the child is born and the reality of sleepness nights on top of dealing with your existing child kicks in. He seems to be under some delusion that one "normal" child will give him the family life he dreamed of, but quite aside of the fact the second child may also have issues, it won't change anything about the situation with the older child, and you have no idea what impact bringing another child into the mix would have on the older - could be negative.
    • Money maker
    • By Money maker 8th Sep 17, 9:24 AM
    • 4,846 Posts
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    Money maker
    Its something he was saying 2 years ago too. Refer back to OP's post from 2015 when her DH was having problems adjusting to a 'different' child. Sadly, he still seems to have problems coping with it. Just to add that 'normal' children often have a preference to be bathed/fed/put to bed etc by one parent too.
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    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 8th Sep 17, 9:32 AM
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    BrassicWoman
    If he left, why would he not leave with his much loved child, that he loves the same as he would love any other child?
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    • Crazy Diamond
    • By Crazy Diamond 8th Sep 17, 10:02 AM
    • 103 Posts
    • 55 Thanks
    Crazy Diamond
    Wow thanks for all your replies.

    Mojisola and Red-Squirrel you have certainly given me food for thought. I really do need to make sure there is absolutely no pressure on another child to take responsibility for their sibling and that I am having another child for the right reasons.

    Faith177, indiepanda, BrassicWoman and others, I do see why you think I should leave my husband but I really donít think I could cope with our son on my own either financially or emotionally. My husband does love our son and would take him with him if that was what I wanted but I donít think I could cope with that either as I would miss my son too much.

    Unholyangel, I am working because I enjoy it. At the moment I do feel I have a good balance with work at home as I work part time from home and I would not want to give this up.

    Tikki999 I think my husbandís problem is that he has always been a bit of a dreamer. He has this ideal picture in his head of how his life should be but doesnít consider any of the realities of the situation. He earns a good wage so he says that we can buy in any help we need with children (he even mentioned getting a wet nurse or night nanny at one point!) but doesnít consider any of the practicalities e.g. where this nanny would sleep or how we would manage if he lost his job with all these expenses.

    FBaby we have had fertility tests and were told that IVF with our own eggs is not possible. We were told there would be 50% chance of success with donor eggs.

    I have managed to convince my husband to come to relationship counselling with me so hopefully that will help us come to a decision.

    Has anyone had a positive experience of having a second child after a disabled one? All the experiences here do seem to be quite negative.
    • BorisThomson
    • By BorisThomson 8th Sep 17, 10:26 AM
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    BorisThomson
    We could try egg donation at a cost of £16k per cycle (with 50% chance of success) or natural pregnancy and then amniocentesis at 12 weeks to test for fragile x. We have agreed however we do not want another child with fragile x and there would be a 50% chance that I would need an abortion at 12 weeks.
    I'm not sure you've thought this through. Would you try to get pregnant in the knowledge that there's a 50% chance you'd abort at 12 weeks? Each to their own but for me that shows no respect for yourself and the trauma it would cause, and more importantly (as they don't get a say in the matter) for your unborn child.

    There's a huge difference between aborting a pregnancy because of unexpected complications, and actively choosing to get pregnant in the knowledge that you may well abort it.
    • phillw
    • By phillw 8th Sep 17, 10:33 AM
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    phillw
    Faith177, indiepanda, BrassicWoman and others, I do see why you think I should leave my husband but I really don’t think I could cope with our son on my own either financially or emotionally.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond
    So you say no, then wait to see if he goes through with leaving you? Or are you going to say yes because you're scared of being left alone?

    It just sounds abusive to me.
    Last edited by phillw; 08-09-2017 at 10:40 AM.
    • mattpaint
    • By mattpaint 8th Sep 17, 10:44 AM
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    mattpaint
    I'm not sure you've thought this through. Would you try to get pregnant in the knowledge that there's a 50% chance you'd abort at 12 weeks? Each to their own but for me that shows no respect for yourself and the trauma it would cause, and more importantly (as they don't get a say in the matter) for your unborn child.

    There's a huge difference between aborting a pregnancy because of unexpected complications, and actively choosing to get pregnant in the knowledge that you may well abort it.
    Originally posted by BorisThomson
    No, there isn't. It is her choice and only her choice regardless.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th Sep 17, 10:49 AM
    • 1,880 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    I'm not sure you've thought this through. Would you try to get pregnant in the knowledge that there's a 50% chance you'd abort at 12 weeks? Each to their own but for me that shows no respect for yourself and the trauma it would cause, and more importantly (as they don't get a say in the matter) for your unborn child.

    There's a huge difference between aborting a pregnancy because of unexpected complications, and actively choosing to get pregnant in the knowledge that you may well abort it.
    Originally posted by BorisThomson
    I think you need to read to the end of the post before responding, OP clearly says further down that she does not want to take this option as she does not want to go through an abortion, but her husband is pressuring her to opt for one of their (all very poor) choices to have another baby without Fragile X.
    • Baby Angel
    • By Baby Angel 8th Sep 17, 10:52 AM
    • 489 Posts
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    Baby Angel
    Has anyone had a positive experience of having a second child after a disabled one? All the experiences here do seem to be quite negative.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond
    Our first daughter was born with Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome. She didn't live long enough for us to see her disabilities fully. Died 5 months old. We did genetic tests just to be sure we are not passing on genetic conditions. All clear, but when I was pregnant I was told our second daughter will be born with Downs Syndrome. We did the 12 week test to confirm as ALL the doctor's and experts were relatively sure of the condition. The test was negative and we had our healthy daughter and she is 10 years old now.

    We were sure we didn't want any more children. We are as "normal" as a family can be, whatever "normal" is. Both of us have numerous siblings. However had our first daughter survived, we wouldn't have had any more children.
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    • phillw
    • By phillw 8th Sep 17, 10:56 AM
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    phillw
    We were sure we didn't want any more children. We are as "normal" as a family can be, whatever "normal" is.
    Originally posted by Baby Angel
    Everything you said was we/our/us. You may be lucky that you both felt the same way, or there may have been some discussions or even persuasion.

    If any of the decisions were based on ultimatums, then that isn't "normal".

    The OP should probably go see a relate counsellor.
    • MallyGirl
    • By MallyGirl 8th Sep 17, 11:17 AM
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    MallyGirl
    Has anyone had a positive experience of having a second child after a disabled one? All the experiences here do seem to be quite negative.
    Originally posted by Crazy Diamond
    My DD's best friends are twins. Their older sister has drug resistant severe epilepsy. I am sure that the news of them being twins must have been a complete bombshell after deciding to have another child. They do manage but it has been very hard work, plus their twins will be off to uni in a few more years whereas the older girl will need some sort of caring environment for the rest of her life which will just emphasise the differences between them.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 8th Sep 17, 11:23 AM
    • 477 Posts
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    BBH123
    Sadly not.

    My cousin was born with a forceps delivery leaving him brain damanged. He was the firstborn.

    My two cousins who came after him have never had any time or attention as all efforts had to be concentrated on the older boy.

    Days out never happened, holidays never happened. On the odd trip away it was a school trip or one parent took them out but never as a family.

    He is an adult now and has been in a care home for years because as soon as he had a body the size of a man they werent able to cope.

    Their chance of a 'normal' family life ended the day he was born.
    • Ronaldo Mconaldo
    • By Ronaldo Mconaldo 8th Sep 17, 12:39 PM
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    Ronaldo Mconaldo
    So in his eyes, you've given him a 'duff' kid and unless you give him a decent kid, he's going to f off and find somebody else who will?

    Tell him to f off. Don't worry about how you'll manage, you'll find a way.
    Originally posted by Tigsteroonie
    Course she will, a single mum looking after a disabled child. What could possibly go wrong there?

    In a perfect world we can get all fairy tale and tell the evil husband to clear off but this is the real world where she'll be working all hours of the day to support herself and this unwanted child whilst husband is making his perfect family with a new, younger woman.

    No, best advice is to forget what everyone on here has said (except me) and do as he says.
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 8th Sep 17, 12:59 PM
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    Out, Vile Jelly
    What this thread highlights is how little society acknowledges the tremendous physical and emotional strain on parents of disabled children; especially the relentless worry about what will happen when they pass on.

    I would be happy to pay more tax to support more carers and respite homes.
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    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 8th Sep 17, 1:18 PM
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    WOW, he sounds a lovely person, perhaps a knee jerk reaction but I would be telling him to pack his bag and foxtrot oscar this weekend. If he can't love his son and accept him for how he is, should he be having anymore children?
    Originally posted by ssparks2003
    To which I would add that if he really loved you as much as a husband should love a wife - he would want to stay with you anyway regardless of whether there are more children or no.

    Personally - I wouldnt see the point of staying with a man that didnt love me enough regardless.
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