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    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 6th Sep 17, 6:31 PM
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    iammumtoone
    parents full time working
    • #1
    • 6th Sep 17, 6:31 PM
    parents full time working 6th Sep 17 at 6:31 PM
    It looks like I may be taking a full time job currently I work 20 hours within school times.

    I have some questions how people manage. I am a single parent but I don't think that is necessarily relevant in this situation it can't be that much different to two parents working full time.

    How do you do homework? I will not get home until 6.30 then will have to sort tea straight away with everything else bath etc not sure where the time comes in for this?

    What about dentists/doctors for child? I am not allowed time off for this (only my medical needs) so how do I arrange this, my son needs medical appointments/assessments for his ADHD and upcoming ASD assessment so not just talking about if he gets ill. Do you take holiday for this? this will mean cutting the amount of holiday available to do fun things with him.

    Time for yourself to relax - How do you find it. My son does not sleep he is never asleep before 12pm. Do you just manage on the occasional 10 minutes here and there when everything is quiet?

    House work - where does this fit in when you are either at work or looking after your child(ren).

    Shopping - how do you manage to get things that are needed (my son will not go shopping it stresses him) Food shopping I can order online but what about everything else? Do you order everything online?

    Clubs - this is probably irrelevant in my case as my son dispite me trying to persuade him will not attend clubs but I am hoping this will change in the future. How do you get your child there most start at I guess at 7 do you rush everything to get them ready in time. I am afraid my son does not do rushing

    Child is in year 6. My other worry is secondary school when there is no childcare available but my son is not safe to be left alone in the house. What do others do in this situation?

    Anything else I need to consider?

    I am dreading it my son is hard work (you may have seen some of my other threads but this isn't about that its about how full time working parents manage).

    I have the opportunity of a well paid full time job meaning I will come off benefits completely not sure if my conscious will allow me to turn it down, isn't that what everyone should be aiming for? However on the other side not sure if my MH will cope with the stress of not the job but looking after a child as well or if indeed it will damage my child health by taking it. (he is certainly going to be a nightmare at first but I hope he will get used to it)

    Its so hard, in some ways I wish the opportunity didn't come up.

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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 13-09-2017 at 9:14 AM.
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Page 2
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 6th Sep 17, 9:41 PM
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    iammumtoone
    I'm really pleased for you that you seem to have been offerred a new job. I've read many of your posts and was aware that you were worried about losing your current job. I just wanted to say well done
    Originally posted by Spendless
    Thank you. Yes I am pleased, it is a good job no more benefits so no need to make the dreaded move to universal credits when it comes in either!

    I have have not decided 100% I think I said in some way I wish this opportunity hadn't come about as I would have gone onto JSA and we would have had to manage (never satisfied me ) One advantage of not working I was looking forward to was being able to concentrate more on my son needs which I hoped would help him but on the other hand it will help him me not being stressed about how to pay the next bill - its not an easy decision.
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    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 6th Sep 17, 9:43 PM
    • 1,298 Posts
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    BrassicWoman
    I really wish my mum had worked to role model for me. It would have been so much more motivating than just having home cooked dinner on the table - generational thing. She existed to serve, not to be a whole, real person. (YMMV!)

    So, no advice as am not a mum - but a cheer for doing an amazing thing

    xx
    Downsized and mortgage free
    September 17 grocery challenge £64.28/£100
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 6th Sep 17, 11:00 PM
    • 2,243 Posts
    • 6,062 Thanks
    clairec79
    How do you do homework?
    I don't do much with it to be honest, I will help if they ask (they generally don't - but can be done while I'm doing something else - or could it be done before you get home?

    What about dentists/doctors for child?Do you take holiday for this?
    I work shifts so book them for when I'm not working (I appreciate this can't be done often in a monday - friday 9-5 job though

    Time for yourself to relax - How do you find it. My son does not sleep he is never asleep before 12pm.
    We have always had must be in your room after 8 (they can play quietly/read etc till bedtime - occasionally they will stay up downstairs till later if doing something together

    House work - where does this fit in when you are either at work or looking after your child(ren).
    It's done while the kids are there (or see above for shifts)

    Shopping - how do you manage to get things that are needed (my son will not go shopping it stresses him) Food shopping I can order online but what about everything else? Do you order everything online?

    Majority is done online

    Clubs - this is probably irrelevant in my case as my son dispite me trying to persuade him will not attend clubs but I am hoping this will change in the future. How do you get your child there most start at I guess at 7 do you rush everything to get them ready in time. I am afraid my son does not do rushing

    Easy meals on those nights (slow cooker is a godsend) - or pizza which can be done in the oven quickly while they are changing

    Also don't overdo it with the clubs only do 1 a week (when he starts comp you may find there are some straight after school he likes which has the added advantage of him being supervised for a little longer and not having to rush as he's already there)


    Some things will have to slip - I read once you can only have 2 out of 3 - a tidy house, happy kids and your sanity. I choose to let the housework go (Don't get me wrong it's not filthy but it's not immaculate and that doesn't bother me (some people iron teatowels! life is too short for that)
    • annandale
    • By annandale 6th Sep 17, 11:05 PM
    • 739 Posts
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    annandale
    I believe you have the right to ask your employer for flexible working hours if you have a child/children. They may not grant it but you do have the right to ask.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 6th Sep 17, 11:08 PM
    • 739 Posts
    • 1,670 Thanks
    annandale
    In fact all employees have the right to ask for flexible working hours.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 6th Sep 17, 11:29 PM
    • 3,323 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    Dentist was on a Saturday, waiting room was always full of families. He was a vicious person born out of wedlock.
    Non-urgent doctor appointments were also on Saturday. Anything serious enough to need an urgent one once both parents were back at work full time, one of them came home. They lost the pay for the time they were out of their workplace, obviously.
    Shopping was done on a Thursday evening (the one evening the supermarket opened late). Home delivery would be the way to go now.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 7th Sep 17, 8:19 AM
    • 7,115 Posts
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    KxMx
    How about persuing that DLA claim after all, with the expectation that it'll be failed and need to go to Tribunal.

    The right DLA award would open up Carers Allowance and a small pt job could go on top.

    Then at least you have more options.

    I hope you're right in that once ft work is a routine your son will cope better.

    Because honestly having read your other threads, you are already under immense pressure and adding in less sleep and more stress isn't going to help either of you.
    • chelseablue
    • By chelseablue 7th Sep 17, 11:30 AM
    • 2,194 Posts
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    chelseablue
    We both work full time and have a 3 year old.

    He starts school next September and I must say I'm dreading homework and also wondering when will I have time to do it!

    I think the first couple of years its just a reading book and spellings, its the later years it gets more 'interesting'

    I finish work at 5:30, would then need to get him from after school club and would be getting in around 6.
    Luckily my partner does the cooking, so I would help with homework when I get in. Unless its maths which is totally beyond me, I'll be learning along with him I think

    Food shopping I normally go on Sunday or one evening after work (shop in Aldi so no home delivery)

    At the moment I do any ironing either early in the morning or when I get in from work


    Cleaning is 'ad hoc' shall we say

    I cant imagine having more than 1 child, I don't think I'd have enough hours in the day!
    Mortgage starting balance 26.02.16 £231,294
    Mortgage after Year 1 £225,078
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 7th Sep 17, 12:11 PM
    • 13,440 Posts
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    onlyroz
    I have been a full-time working parent for 12 years and so have reasonable experience.
    How do you do homework? I will not get home until 6.30 then will have to sort tea straight away with everything else bath etc not sure where the time comes in for this?
    Originally posted by iammumtoone
    Try and encourage the kids to do their homework as autonomously as possible. Yes, you will answer questions but you will not sit down with them for hours while they do it. This should definitely be possible for secondary aged kids, who should be encouraged to complete work independently as much as possible. For primary aged kids the bulk of homework seems to be reading, spellings and times tables. Times tables can be practiced in the car on the way to school (reciting them together). Spellings can be practiced independently with some help testing them once they've had some time alone. They can read to you while you prepare dinner or do other housework. More involved homework can be tackled at the weekend, but they should still be encouraged to work independently of you wherever possible.

    What about dentists/doctors for child? I am not allowed time off for this (only my medical needs) so how do I arrange this, my son needs medical appointments/assessments for his ADHD and upcoming ASD assessment so not just talking about if he gets ill. Do you take holiday for this? this will mean cutting the amount of holiday available to do fun things with him.
    How flexible is your employer? Could you, for instance, arrange dental appointments for 9AM on a day during the school holidays, and then arrange to catch up on your hours either from home or by staying late? Are there other friends or relatives that could take them to these appointments?

    Time for yourself to relax - How do you find it. My son does not sleep he is never asleep before 12pm. Do you just manage on the occasional 10 minutes here and there when everything is quiet?
    My kids are old enough to entertain themselves - we have dinner all together, which is our chance to catch up with each other's days - and I'll do some activities with each child at certain times during the week - but typically once they're off to bed at 9PM (ish) I've got a few glorious hours to myself.

    House work - where does this fit in when you are either at work or looking after your child(ren).
    The options are:
    - Lower your standards. Hoovering and deeper cleans of the kitchen/bathroom etc can wait until the weekend. A wipe down of surfaces is sufficient most days. Laundry is a never-ending battle but I absolutely don't iron anything.
    - Pay a cleaner (if finances allow)
    - Get the kids to help (paying them if necessary)

    Shopping - how do you manage to get things that are needed (my son will not go shopping it stresses him) Food shopping I can order online but what about everything else? Do you order everything online?
    I shop at quieter times. Tesco is open 24/7 and our Aldi is open until 10pm. I also do some shopping during my lunch break, e.g. the town I work in has a pretty good fruit and veg market. And what is the "everything else" that you need? And how often do you need to buy these things? E.g. I only go clothes shopping a few times a year, and again I can often pick things up during my lunch break. Most of the kids clothes I pick up at lunch time - occasionally I have to take things back if the sizes are wrong but it's usually fine. If other things are needed then these can be bought at the weekend.

    Clubs - this is probably irrelevant in my case as my son dispite me trying to persuade him will not attend clubs but I am hoping this will change in the future. How do you get your child there most start at I guess at 7 do you rush everything to get them ready in time. I am afraid my son does not do rushing
    Evening clubs are out of the question. My daughter goes swimming on Saturday mornings, and has gymnastics after school once a week (I'm allowed to work from home two afternoons a week so that I can do the school run on these days).

    Child is in year 6. My other worry is secondary school when there is no childcare available but my son is not safe to be left alone in the house. What do others do in this situation?
    My son has been letting himself in after school for a year now. He has just started year 8. If your son is not safe to be left alone then perhaps you can look into using a childminder to collect him. The school might also have some after school activities but these would be ad-hoc and would probably only be for an hour or so.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 7th Sep 17, 1:05 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't really sound as if working full time is the right thing for your current situation. It would be hard enough without your son's disability and illness, but taking that into account I think you would exhaust yourself trying to just manage each week!

    There is no shame in claiming benefits if that's what you need to do in order to live and care for your child with additional needs.
    • skint_chick
    • By skint_chick 7th Sep 17, 1:28 PM
    • 664 Posts
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    skint_chick
    I think it would take a bit of adjusting to work full time but if you get a good routine going then it is manageable.

    Dinners - batch cook at the weekend - lasagna, shepherds pie, stews etc then freeze in portion sizes so you can just heat up when you get home. Jacket potatoes with easy toppings to microwave as well.

    Also if relatives are looking after him make sure they have a set routine with him. Try and get him to attempt homework before you're home and then go over it together - this is important time to focus on him so he doesn't struggle with you working full time.

    Cleaning - is this something you can encourage your son to help with as part of the nightly routine - put toys away, clothes in laundry basket, drying up dishes (if you don't have a dishwasher). Clean the sink and toilet while he's in the bath, rinse the bath while he's putting his pyjamas on.

    Choose a Saturday morning club - our local cinema does ASD friendly cinema mornings every month if he won't do clubs yet. Libraries often have kids reading sessions too on Saturdays.

    Grocery shopping online, most other stores do click and collect from local collection points these days so you can collect at your leisure outside of busy times. Book appointments as late as possible in the day so you can leave early and make the time up by having shorter lunch breaks.

    I think all of it would be a lot easier with a better sleep routine for your son, so perhaps do some research into how you can get him sleeping for 9pm - a strong bedtime routine, no screens, more physical activity to tire him out - if you crack this then you will have time in the evening to do things and will feel better for getting more sleep. Everything is a little easier if you're well rested! Good luck with what you decide.
    "I cannot make my days longer so I strive to make them better." Paul Theroux
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 7th Sep 17, 2:44 PM
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    iammumtoone
    Thank you all I am considering all the points.

    Couple of things come to mind at what age BrassicWoman did you come to wish your mother had worked?My son will hate me for working full time (he has really low self esteem anyway and will think I have just abandoned him ) I am hopeful this feeling wont last and someday he will understand why I did it (if I do). I can't image any 10 year old being happy about it regardless of any difficulties.

    Someone made a point about making dinner whilst child gets changed that hit home that this household is not your average household (you tend to forget this on the smaller things as you live with them everyday and they just become the way of life). My son cannot get changed by himself he needs monitoring it takes at least 20mins of my nagging/encouraging him to do so, he doesn't like clothes takes them all off as soon as he gets in I let this go as it is not a battle I choose to fight at least now he is older I have manged to get him to wear a dressing grown (dreading the day it gets worn up and we have to find a new one) then normally he will have to go back and re-do something as he has put something on the wrong way round/forgotten to put on pants etc.

    The person who said to get into a bedtime routine, trust me this is not the case. I know I am not perfect I do many things wrong BUT he does have a bedtime routine always has done. He does not sleep not due to the routine but due to his ADHD, his brain does not shut off.

    There are also lots of point that I can implement and very good tips for working parents.
    • svain
    • By svain 7th Sep 17, 2:50 PM
    • 152 Posts
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    svain
    I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't really sound as if working full time is the right thing for your current situation. It would be hard enough without your son's disability and illness, but taking that into account I think you would exhaust yourself trying to just manage each week!

    There is no shame in claiming benefits if that's what you need to do in order to live and care for your child with additional needs.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    im also in this camp. Although getting a full time job is admirable, your children will hardly see you in the week, and when they do it will all be rushed with preparing for next day, homework etc with little quality fun time . The stress you will be putting yourself under will be significant and difficult to hide.

    Part time work topped up with benefits is the better balance imo. Quality time that kids spend with parents seems very underrated for some families which is a real shame.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 7th Sep 17, 6:10 PM
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    • 801 Thanks
    mark5
    I'm normally in favour of people working full time and claiming less off the state but in your case I think I would try and stay part time and claiming tax credits until your son is in comprehensive.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 7th Sep 17, 7:01 PM
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    Spendless
    I know people are saying do part-time work instead and I recognise that that would probably be best for the OP's situation but you have to take what the local (commutable) job market offers.

    I'm married and my kids don't have additional needs but I found it pretty much impossible with a husband who worked away, to find a part-time job which ran within the hours of available childcare. Part-time jobs where I live are frequently early starts,evening and weekend work, none of which I could find childcare for and there was 8am-6pm wrap around care for 51 weeks of the year, practically on my doorstep. The office jobs here are mostly f-time, with the exception of public sector work, which is difficult to find.

    The OP may well live in a place like I do and is thinking of taking something, which whilst longer hours won't be as difficult for her to sort out childcare wise.
    • GwylimT
    • By GwylimT 7th Sep 17, 7:12 PM
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    GwylimT
    Our son had additional needs (fairly severe physical disability and global delay).

    Homework, we do it at the table after we have all eaten.

    Appointments, I take it as holiday or unpaid leave depending on how my work place choose to approve it.

    Cleaning, little bits here and there, we also have a cleaner.

    Clubs where we are are around 4:30 so we go straight from school.

    Childminders often take secondary age children, schools also usually have a homework club, so he can use that when he has homework.

    Food shopping I do while they're at the childminders as they whinge otherwise.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 7th Sep 17, 7:24 PM
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    iammumtoone
    There was an instance today which has put me off working full time. My son came home and bless him had to ask me to wipe his bum this is not uncommon he is not able to wipe himself properly (has coordination issues confirmed by the paediatrician) He is too embarrassed at school to say anything so leaves it which makes him sore and uncomfortable.

    To leave him like that for another 3 -4 hours would not be nice for him.

    I wish I knew what would happen when this happens, he will never tell the school but I don't know if he would mention it to the child provider/relative ( I don't think he would but the sorer it got I suppose he wouldn't be left with a choice to tell them meaning the next time he might mention it sooner) I have no way of knowing what would happen until its too late I can't do anything about it (ie I can't leave the job if I start it) .

    The other thing is at the child provider he will have no choice but to leave his clothes on, meaning leaving his pants on which most days come home slightly wet as he is unable to get to the toilet in time (again something that he would never confess to at school) I am wondering if leaving it longer would make him sore for this as well or could even have the opposite effect and focus his mind to make sure he got there on time.

    Oh gosh I sound like a dreadful parent potentially putting him through this but if I don't take this job then sooner or later i will have to take one, this one is a very good wage I am not sure if an opportunity like this will come up again.
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    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 7th Sep 17, 7:30 PM
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    iammumtoone
    I know people are saying do part-time work instead and I recognise that that would probably be best for the OP's situation but you have to take what the local (commutable) job market offers.

    I'm married and my kids don't have additional needs but I found it pretty much impossible with a husband who worked away, to find a part-time job which ran within the hours of available childcare. Part-time jobs where I live are frequently early starts,evening and weekend work, none of which I could find childcare for and there was 8am-6pm wrap around care for 51 weeks of the year, practically on my doorstep. The office jobs here are mostly f-time, with the exception of public sector work, which is difficult to find.

    The OP may well live in a place like I do and is thinking of taking something, which whilst longer hours won't be as difficult for her to sort out childcare wise.
    Originally posted by Spendless
    ^^ is the situation here unfortunately.
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    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 7th Sep 17, 7:32 PM
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    Spendless
    There was an instance today which has put me off working full time. My son came home and bless him had to ask me to wipe his bum this is not uncommon he is not able to wipe himself properly (has coordination issues confirmed by the paediatrician) He is too embarrassed at school to say anything so leaves it which makes him sore and uncomfortable.

    To leave him like that for another 3 -4 hours would not be nice for him.

    I wish I knew what would happen when this happens, he will never tell the school but I don't know if he would mention it to the child provider/relative ( I don't think he would but the sorer it got I suppose he wouldn't be left with a choice to tell them meaning the next time he might mention it sooner) I have no way of knowing what would happen until its too late I can't do anything about it (ie I can't leave the job if I start it) .

    The other thing is at the child provider he will have no choice but to leave his clothes on, meaning leaving his pants on which most days come home slightly wet as he is unable to get to the toilet in time (again something that he would never confess to at school) I am wondering if leaving it longer would make him sore for this as well or could even have the opposite effect and focus his mind to make sure he got there on time.

    Oh gosh I sound like a dreadful parent potentially putting him through this but if I don't take this job then sooner or later i will have to take one, this one is a very good wage I am not sure if an opportunity like this will come up again.
    Originally posted by iammumtoone
    I know you touched on the bolded part earlier in the thread and I was going to get around to commenting. Please don't take my word for it and check this yourself, but I think if you are a single parent and have to leave a job due to child issues (such as childcare) then you aren't sanctioned. Look into this before deciding.
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 7th Sep 17, 7:41 PM
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    iammumtoone
    I know you touched on the bolded part earlier in the thread and I was going to get around to commenting. Please don't take my word for it and check this yourself, but I think if you are a single parent and have to leave a job due to child issues (such as childcare) then you aren't sanctioned. Look into this before deciding.
    Originally posted by Spendless
    Really? thanks I will definitely check that. I always thought if you left a job you weren't entitled to anything.

    Do you know how I would have to prove that? The reason wouldn't be I had childcare issues - there is childcare available it would be that it wasn't right/suitable for my son, then I am back to square one I can't prove that it isn't right for him as I don't claim/won't get DLA.

    That would be my ideal to try it for 2-3 months and then make a decision based on how it was not how I think it is going to be, but I can't afford to do this if I can't claim JSA after. I also can't afford to take the risk of finding another job whilst working there, just doing the job will be hard enough to job search on top and wait until I get part time job (which are rare) will not be feasible.
    Sealed pot challenge ~ 10 #017
    Declutter 2017 items in 2017 - 78/2017

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