Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Tempus01
    • By Tempus01 31st Aug 17, 11:46 AM
    • 61Posts
    • 60Thanks
    Tempus01
    Help... I feel like my head is about to explode :(
    • #1
    • 31st Aug 17, 11:46 AM
    Help... I feel like my head is about to explode :( 31st Aug 17 at 11:46 AM
    Hi

    I am literally at my wits end today.


    My fianc! and I broke up at the start of this year and the wedding date is coming up in a few weeks. I have since met someone new and we have been together a couple of months. It was my choice to end my relationship with my fianc! we were together coming up 7 years.

    This week has been just awful, I feel so down and unhappy my head just feels like it’s going to explode. Even in work my mind wanders and I end up in tears.

    The new guy I'm seeing it’s amazing but I feel like very quickly our lives seem to revolve around one another. He too has just come out of a long term relationship but he never sees his friends or does anything without me. I think this and the wedding date coming up has given me huge anxiety.

    I don't know what my head is trying to tell me. I think me and my new partner need to have a convo about how quickly things are going. I also don't know if I genuinely do still have feelings for my ex or is it just the wedding coming up..?

    Hoping someone can offer me some words fo wisdom....... I don't know what to do
    22.08.2017 start of my journey
    Loan = £8392.32/£7465 (incl interest) Barclays Card = £1631.36 Tesco Credit Card = £2003.17 / £2086.17 NatWest Credit Card = £1422.34/ £1406.43 Littlewoods account = £104 / £40.60
Page 2
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 1st Sep 17, 1:13 PM
    • 15,143 Posts
    • 14,757 Thanks
    Guest101
    I am very careful and clear with what I say in person. I said to my BF I wanted to have some me time and that I would see him the next day. He decided that wasn't okay, had a go at me and ended up going out getting blind drunk and not remembering his night.
    Originally posted by Tempus01
    Obvious shouldn't have a go at you, but equally you have no say in what he does on his night out. If he wants to get blind drunk, how is that relevant to you?
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 1st Sep 17, 1:24 PM
    • 9,524 Posts
    • 12,014 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I wouldn't say I'm worried about being single and I am more than happy in my own company I think everything is just getting on top of me, so everything seems like a big deal and I'm overthinking everything
    Originally posted by Tempus01
    He sounds very controlling - and anyone who looks for petty excuses to go get blind drunk has issues (probably with alcohol). It's only 2 months, not 2 years. If anyone spoke to me like that, I'd dump them. You say it's 'amazing' so I guess he must be doing something right...
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 1st Sep 17, 1:39 PM
    • 15,143 Posts
    • 14,757 Thanks
    Guest101
    He sounds very controlling - and anyone who looks for petty excuses to go get blind drunk has issues (probably with alcohol). It's only 2 months, not 2 years. If anyone spoke to me like that, I'd dump them. You say it's 'amazing' so I guess he must be doing something right...
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Equally if she wants time to herself and he decides to spend that time having a few too many, what concern is that of hers?


    Should he be sat at home waiting for her to call?
    • Tempus01
    • By Tempus01 1st Sep 17, 1:41 PM
    • 61 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    Tempus01
    Equally if she wants time to herself and he decides to spend that time having a few too many, what concern is that of hers?


    Should he be sat at home waiting for her to call?
    Originally posted by Guest101

    I'm not concerened about him drinking, but doing it because he's in a strop isn't great
    22.08.2017 start of my journey
    Loan = £8392.32/£7465 (incl interest) Barclays Card = £1631.36 Tesco Credit Card = £2003.17 / £2086.17 NatWest Credit Card = £1422.34/ £1406.43 Littlewoods account = £104 / £40.60
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 1st Sep 17, 1:48 PM
    • 4,772 Posts
    • 13,111 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    OP also mentioned that he "had a go" at her.....not ok, just because she wants a night alone.

    If they had made plans to go out and she cancelled at the last minute, I could understand him being annoyed, but this sounds like him having a tantrum because she didn't want to see him for one night. Personally, I don't think he had any right to "have a go", although getting drunk is obviously his choice and his business.

    It sounds a little like emotional blackmail to me though....
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 1st Sep 17, 4:09 PM
    • 9,524 Posts
    • 12,014 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Equally if she wants time to herself and he decides to spend that time having a few too many, what concern is that of hers?


    Should he be sat at home waiting for her to call?
    Originally posted by Guest101

    None - but for the reasons the OP gave (spelt out below), it comes across as very controlling.


    If my OH said he was going out, would it be right that I have a go at him, throw all my toys out the pram and go out and get blind drunk because of it?

    I'm not concerened about him drinking, but doing it because he's in a strop isn't great
    Originally posted by Tempus01
    Exactly that.
    OP also mentioned that he "had a go" at her.....not ok, just because she wants a night alone.

    If they had made plans to go out and she cancelled at the last minute, I could understand him being annoyed, but this sounds like him having a tantrum because she didn't want to see him for one night. Personally, I don't think he had any right to "have a go", although getting drunk is obviously his choice and his business.

    It sounds a little like emotional blackmail to me though....
    Originally posted by barbiedoll
    And that.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 1st Sep 17, 4:41 PM
    • 15,143 Posts
    • 14,757 Thanks
    Guest101
    None - but for the reasons the OP gave (spelt out below), it comes across as very controlling.


    If my OH said he was going out, would it be right that I have a go at him, throw all my toys out the pram and go out and get blind drunk because of it?



    Exactly that.

    And that.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Can I refer you to the first 7 words in post 21?
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 1st Sep 17, 8:31 PM
    • 2,586 Posts
    • 2,530 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Hour current partner sounds too clingy.
    • mark5
    • By mark5 1st Sep 17, 8:57 PM
    • 1,186 Posts
    • 801 Thanks
    mark5
    Hour current partner sounds too clingy.
    Originally posted by cjdavies

    He's probably got issues from his last relationship and like the op jumped head first into the current one.
    • Sarastro
    • By Sarastro 1st Sep 17, 9:33 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    Sarastro
    Hey,
    I'm impressed by your cool response to some harsh (but well meant) comments.
    Be kind to yourself. As one post said, to not be affected by 'what might have been' is unrealistic. That grief needs somewhere to go - and your new BF might not be the best place for that.
    It's okay to find someone you feel powerfully about whilst you are still grieving for a previous relationship. But, it's complex to work out how you feel! Give yourself time. Give yourself space, if that's what you want. If your new BF values you, he will understand, because he will see that you're thinking long-term, not short-term. Above all be kind to yourself.
    • cr1mson
    • By cr1mson 2nd Sep 17, 2:17 PM
    • 759 Posts
    • 572 Thanks
    cr1mson
    Rubbish at quoting but your comment about being 'careful and clear' with your new boyfriend raises red flags to me. Whilst I don't give no thought to what I say to my husband and probably gave more thought to it in the initial stages of our relationship I never felt I had to be careful and clear. If you can't be you in a relationship what is the point?

    I think you have two different issues here one is your current relationship and one is the feelings about your ex. Even if you know deep in your heart of hearts that cancelling the wedding was the right thing you are still entitled to be upset. You are allowed to 'grieve' for how you expected your life to be. The wedding date is obviously going to be a focus for this.

    Good luck.
    • chiefie
    • By chiefie 3rd Sep 17, 9:43 AM
    • 305 Posts
    • 314 Thanks
    chiefie
    Take time out to be with yourself - after a period it will come to you. You may risk losing him though so be prepared
    • Tempus01
    • By Tempus01 9th Sep 17, 2:29 PM
    • 61 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    Tempus01
    Rubbish at quoting but your comment about being 'careful and clear' with your new boyfriend raises red flags to me. Whilst I don't give no thought to what I say to my husband and probably gave more thought to it in the initial stages of our relationship I never felt I had to be careful and clear. If you can't be you in a relationship what is the point?

    I think you have two different issues here one is your current relationship and one is the feelings about your ex. Even if you know deep in your heart of hearts that cancelling the wedding was the right thing you are still entitled to be upset. You are allowed to 'grieve' for how you expected your life to be. The wedding date is obviously going to be a focus for this.

    Good luck.
    Originally posted by cr1mson
    Me saying I am clear and careful was in response to someone who said that perhaps I'm not being clear with my BF. By clear and careful I mean that I'm not beating around the bush and when I need my space I'm straight with him and tell him.

    I think you're very much right in what you have said about the wedding. I think I am grieving it. I know that that's ok. There are a lot of dates coming up that we shared so I am trying my best to keep a clear head and get through them. Not as easy as I first thought
    22.08.2017 start of my journey
    Loan = £8392.32/£7465 (incl interest) Barclays Card = £1631.36 Tesco Credit Card = £2003.17 / £2086.17 NatWest Credit Card = £1422.34/ £1406.43 Littlewoods account = £104 / £40.60
    • Tempus01
    • By Tempus01 9th Sep 17, 2:33 PM
    • 61 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    Tempus01
    Hey,
    I'm impressed by your cool response to some harsh (but well meant) comments.
    Be kind to yourself. As one post said, to not be affected by 'what might have been' is unrealistic. That grief needs somewhere to go - and your new BF might not be the best place for that.
    It's okay to find someone you feel powerfully about whilst you are still grieving for a previous relationship. But, it's complex to work out how you feel! Give yourself time. Give yourself space, if that's what you want. If your new BF values you, he will understand, because he will see that you're thinking long-term, not short-term. Above all be kind to yourself.
    Originally posted by Sarastro
    Thank you for your kind words! I did see your response when you posted it but with all the negative comments (which people are entitled to) I took myself off the post. I have since taken a break from the new BF and taking some time to clear my head. In the past couple of weeks we have begun to argue for no reason and we both realise that we need the space. The break in itself has taken a weight off my mind and if anything it gives me the space to get through the next couple of weeks.
    22.08.2017 start of my journey
    Loan = £8392.32/£7465 (incl interest) Barclays Card = £1631.36 Tesco Credit Card = £2003.17 / £2086.17 NatWest Credit Card = £1422.34/ £1406.43 Littlewoods account = £104 / £40.60
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

3,891Posts Today

4,005Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • RT @thismorning: 'Sometimes the best gift is releasing somebody else from the obligation of having to give to you' says @MartinSLewis. Do y?

  • Shana tova umetuka - a sweet Jewish New Year to all celebrating. I won't be online the rest of t'week, as I take the time to be with family

  • Dear Steve. Please note doing a poll to ask people's opinion does not in itself imply an opinion! https://t.co/UGvWlMURxy

  • Follow Martin