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  • FIRST POST
    • foolofbeans
    • By foolofbeans 25th Aug 17, 9:21 PM
    • 317Posts
    • 397Thanks
    foolofbeans
    My child is a thief
    • #1
    • 25th Aug 17, 9:21 PM
    My child is a thief 25th Aug 17 at 9:21 PM
    The title says it all really
    My child was a thief at a young age and always seemed to think it was ok to help themselves to their siblings things or our things.
    Child has always struggled with understanding consequences but I don't think that should excuse their behaviour.
    I have just discovered £40 missing from my bag and am 95% sure they took it. I don't have any proof though and this is always one of the problems - I have accused them of stealing before and found out later that I had got it wrong but I suppose when somebody is known to be a thief they will always be the one that is looked at if anything goes missing.
    I'm so upset. We've had so many rants or we've tried to be understanding and nothing works.
    They are 17 now and tbh I just want them out of my house. I hate the thought of having to wonder where my things are or sometimes I think I must have spent more than I thought as I can't account for the amount of money that has gone missing.
    Does anybody have any advice? Has anybody gone through this and come out the other side? Child has obviously not learnt anything and still has a total lack of respect for us and our belongings
Page 3
    • Buttonmoons
    • By Buttonmoons 28th Aug 17, 12:09 PM
    • 13,025 Posts
    • 41,634 Thanks
    Buttonmoons
    How do you know it wasn't the other children that helped themselves?

    Kids will have sticky fingers, I think you need to find out if it was definatley your 17 year old, perhaps the other kids have seen he/she helping themselves and copying ?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 28th Aug 17, 1:52 PM
    • 801 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    annandale
    You don't register at the job centre at 17. You can only claim benefits at 18 unless there are exceptional circumstances.
    • foolofbeans
    • By foolofbeans 28th Aug 17, 10:30 PM
    • 317 Posts
    • 397 Thanks
    foolofbeans
    How do you know it wasn't the other children that helped themselves?
    Kids will have sticky fingers, I think you need to find out if it was definatley your 17 year old, perhaps the other kids have seen he/she helping themselves and copying ?
    Originally posted by Buttonmoons
    The other children are primary school age and have no concept of money yet. They do get an allowance but any change is just left lying about as they don't understand the value of it.
    I've tried to think it could be anything other than my 17 year old but I can't see where else the money could have gone.
    • *max*
    • By *max* 29th Aug 17, 2:46 AM
    • 2,800 Posts
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    *max*
    The way you keep referring to your kid as "they" is worrying. I understand you may not want to say what sex they are for your own reasons, but it also feels a lot like your are distancing yourself from him/her, and that do you don't like him/her very much.

    The whole thread sounds like you've given up on your child before you even started trying actual techniques of dealing with their issue. You never even tried to get them diagnosed because "You know know how long that takes!!". He/she never stood a chance. I'm betting he/she doesn't feel loved, and rightly so.
    • LadyDee
    • By LadyDee 29th Aug 17, 7:11 AM
    • 2,438 Posts
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    LadyDee
    You don't register at the job centre at 17. You can only claim benefits at 18 unless there are exceptional circumstances.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Well, it won't stop him looking for a job. Never mind, his mama can persuade the doctors he's got ADHD, when he's 18 he can just claim his benefits and won't even have to babysit to get some cash, even if somebody else is responsible for the missing money.
    • foolofbeans
    • By foolofbeans 29th Aug 17, 8:53 AM
    • 317 Posts
    • 397 Thanks
    foolofbeans
    The way you keep referring to your kid as "they" is worrying. I understand you may not want to say what sex they are for your own reasons, but it also feels a lot like your are distancing yourself from him/her, and that do you don't like him/her very much.
    The whole thread sounds like you've given up on your child before you even started trying actual techniques of dealing with their issue. You never even tried to get them diagnosed because "You know know how long that takes!!". He/she never stood a chance. I'm betting he/she doesn't feel loved, and rightly so.
    Originally posted by *max*
    I am referring to them as 'they' so I don't identify their sex, no other reason than that.
    Honestly though, I do feel a distance from them particularly due to the stealing issue. It really hurts to have somebody you love treat you so badly.
    Not getting a diagnosis was never because I couldn't be bothered, but it is an uphill struggle and I don't think even getting a diagnosis would make life much different.
    I'm quite surprised at the opinions on this thread but I take them on board. Please don't think I don't love my child or want the best for them though - if I didn't then I wouldn't care about what they did. I started this thread because I was hoping for some advice on how to deal with this issue and so far I have taken from it that I have to push for a diagnosis (and I will) and I should give pocket money (I need to think about this as I stopped it to try and persuade them to get a job which is very easy to do around here as it's a tourist area).
    The other thing I take from this is that apparently it is all my fault. I didn't need this thread to feel like I have failed as a parent but it's been really great to have that thought reinforced
    • Nicki
    • By Nicki 29th Aug 17, 9:06 AM
    • 7,513 Posts
    • 26,296 Thanks
    Nicki
    Well, it won't stop him looking for a job. Never mind, his mama can persuade the doctors he's got ADHD, when he's 18 he can just claim his benefits and won't even have to babysit to get some cash, even if somebody else is responsible for the missing money.
    Originally posted by LadyDee
    The school leaving age is now 18 so children need to be in education or formal training (e.g. apprenticeships) until then. I assume when the OP was referring to the child getting a job she meant a paper round or part time work which fits around school for spending money not full time employment.

    My 17 year old who is starting his last year at school in September doesn't have an external job though he is happy to babysit his younger siblings when needed, and has an allowance. He works hard at school and personally I think this is OK. He'll have plenty of time working for a living before he retires!
    • annandale
    • By annandale 29th Aug 17, 10:18 AM
    • 801 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    annandale
    Not sure why the sarcasm to me for pointing out that you can't be registered at the job centre before 18. It's quite normal to claim benefits while looking for work.

    Surely the OP has to take some responsibility for the fact that money keeps going missing and doing nothing to safeguard that money. Ie locking it away.

    And if he has got adhd surely he should get a diagnosis and treatment for all their sakes but particularly his.

    Some teenagers do nothing for their pocket money. Why should he be mocked for babysitting?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 29th Aug 17, 10:19 AM
    • 801 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    annandale
    It's not just about a diagnosis, it's about medication that might help the condition
    • amistupid
    • By amistupid 29th Aug 17, 10:39 AM
    • 52,345 Posts
    • 166,277 Thanks
    amistupid
    The other thing I take from this is that apparently it is all my fault. I didn't need this thread to feel like I have failed as a parent but it's been really great to have that thought reinforced
    Originally posted by foolofbeans
    Unfortunately this is the way of the world, society now likes to blame others for the actions of offenders.

    I was a neighbour beat officer for most of my career and have dealt with numerous cases of kids stealing from their parents. This type of offence can occur in any family, levels of parenting 'skills' were rarely a contributing factor.

    In the "good old days" you could ask the local bobby to put the fear of God into a wayward child. Perhaps have a chat with a PCSO in your area and ask them to speak to him on an unofficial basis, he won't get a criminal record as a result, but if left unchecked his thieving might escalate to something which might lead to one.
    Originally posted by LadyDee
    Indeed this was once the case and it often resolved the problem, however, nowadays the Police service do not encourage 'unofficial' action and any officer found putting the fear of God into a 'child' would probably lose their job.
    Last edited by amistupid; 29-08-2017 at 1:59 PM.
    In memory of Chris Hyde #867
    • barbarawright
    • By barbarawright 29th Aug 17, 11:39 AM
    • 1,667 Posts
    • 3,204 Thanks
    barbarawright
    What makes you so sure that a primary school age kid has no concept of money? That seems very odd to me - presumably they've visited shops with you?

    Nobody is saying it's your fault. What some of us are saying is that it really isn't that uncommon and in many cases, the child grows out of it once he gets his own money. Certainly having a Saturday job made me realise how long money took to earn and that people do tend to know how much they have in their wallet
    • iammumtoone
    • By iammumtoone 29th Aug 17, 11:51 AM
    • 4,869 Posts
    • 10,038 Thanks
    iammumtoone
    I have a child with diagnosed ADHD and can confirm that it is not the magic answer people on here are seemly thinking it is. A diagnosis is just that, I have found it doesn't lead to help needed, you still have to push and fight for everything which is hard especially on top of having a child that is difficult to parent anyway.

    OP I know all about the guilt you feel yourself about not being able to manage your child plus the fact that others seems to re-enforce that, they can parent their child(ren) so why can't you? Then of course the other guilt you feel that ADHD is not a condition just a label for bad parenting as you have read and had this re-enforced by others that it doesn't exist.

    Why do you think your child had ADHD? Steeling is very common for a child to do for all sorts of reasons. I did it and grew up to be a hopefully respectable person. I have lots of friends whose children have done the same and they turn out fine.

    You are welcome to PM me about the ADHD and process of getting a diagnoses if you like. I think you have taken alot of stick on this thread which is not deserved.

    Good Luck
    Sealed pot challenge ~ 10 #017
    Declutter 2017 items in 2017 - 78/2017

    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 29th Aug 17, 2:09 PM
    • 3,867 Posts
    • 10,648 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    I think if it was me I would get the whole family together, having bought a safe, and say something like 'Right, we have a thief in this family as I've got money missing. Therefore we can't have/do xyz. My purse is from now on in living in this safe so whichever one of you has done it won't be able to do it again.'
    • LadyDee
    • By LadyDee 29th Aug 17, 6:56 PM
    • 2,438 Posts
    • 2,523 Thanks
    LadyDee
    The school leaving age is now 18 so children need to be in education or formal training (e.g. apprenticeships) until then. I assume when the OP was referring to the child getting a job she meant a paper round or part time work which fits around school for spending money not full time employment.

    My 17 year old who is starting his last year at school in September doesn't have an external job though he is happy to babysit his younger siblings when needed, and has an allowance. He works hard at school and personally I think this is OK. He'll have plenty of time working for a living before he retires!
    Originally posted by Nicki
    18? Really? https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 29th Aug 17, 9:53 PM
    • 19,521 Posts
    • 31,535 Thanks
    Spendless
    Yes. From the link

    You can leave school on the last Friday in June if you’ll be 16 by the end of the summer holidays.

    You must then do one of the following until you’re 18:

    stay in full-time education, for example at a college
    start an apprenticeship or traineeship
    spend 20 hours or more a week working or volunteering, while in part-time education or training
    Which is exactly what Nicki said, stay in education or some kind of formal training such as apprenticeship.

    Staying in education doesn't have to mean doing A levels and doesn't mean you have to be in a school or sixth form college either. My son is the same age as Nicki's left school last summer. He's been at a FE college doing a BTEC level 3 in computing and goes into the 2nd year of this next month.
    • Rags2riches
    • By Rags2riches 11th Sep 17, 10:38 PM
    • 42 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    Rags2riches
    There is 5% of doubt and uncertainty. You have no hard proof.. only a very good hunch.

    Rather than accusing them of stealing, why not ask them the question, and put a slant on it. Has anybody 'borrowed £40' or 'seen this £40'?

    You probably know the answer they will give already but give them an opportunity to tell you the truth.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 12th Sep 17, 12:23 PM
    • 2,450 Posts
    • 5,971 Thanks
    ska lover
    Seriously??

    My parents were badly-off back whilst bringing me up - as my mother didnt go back to work for quite some time after having us. So I recall all sorts of stuff - like unheated bedrooms/not very healthy diet/no holidays/very few clothes. But we did have our pocket money (if not as much as I would have liked).

    I've certainly read articles about how much pocket money the average British child gets and it's very much as I would expect - ie a reasonable amount of it and it goes up with age.
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention

    I find it shocking that a parent would prioritise giving the kids a few coins for sweets above putting that money towards a decent diet and heating?? Is this a joke
    Last edited by ska lover; 12-09-2017 at 12:28 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 12th Sep 17, 2:19 PM
    • 2,887 Posts
    • 4,127 Thanks
    Malthusian
    I find it shocking that a parent would prioritise giving the kids a few coins for sweets above putting that money towards a decent diet and heating?? Is this a joke
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Because children would be perfectly happy to receive no pocket money as they would understand that salad is expensive. Get real.

    Pretty much everyone turns the heating off at night unless they're very extravagant (beds are inherently warm and you can't be cold if you're asleep) so if you're on a tight budget it makes perfect sense to not heat the bedrooms.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 12th Sep 17, 4:15 PM
    • 801 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    annandale
    I think there's a lot to be said for parents trying to give their kids a bit of pocket money even though they don't have much.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Sep 17, 1:11 PM
    • 2,450 Posts
    • 5,971 Thanks
    ska lover
    Because children would be perfectly happy to receive no pocket money as they would understand that salad is expensive. Get real.

    Pretty much everyone turns the heating off at night unless they're very extravagant (beds are inherently warm and you can't be cold if you're asleep) so if you're on a tight budget it makes perfect sense to not heat the bedrooms.
    Originally posted by Malthusian






    When they are obese adults with diabetes / high cholesterol , I am sure they will be happy then too
    Last edited by ska lover; 14-09-2017 at 1:19 PM.
    Blah blah blah.
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