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    • Pay_me
    • By Pay_me 2nd Aug 17, 11:16 PM
    • 138Posts
    • 87Thanks
    Pay_me
    Partners and friends of the opposite sex
    • #1
    • 2nd Aug 17, 11:16 PM
    Partners and friends of the opposite sex 2nd Aug 17 at 11:16 PM
    Just wondering where people stand on friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship?

    My situation: Partner of nearly 10 months has given me the ultimatum of remain friends with a girl but break up or lose the friend and remain in the relationship.

    Background:

    about 2 years ago I met 2 girls in 2 different situations. Girl A was met through a group I joined to meet like minded people as I was looking for more people with similar hobbies etc. Girl B was met from a dating website (context is important I think).

    Girl A has been a friend ever since we talk occasionally on text i.e can go weeks with out hearing from each other. We meet up occasionally to do the hobby as an example I have see her twice this year and only four times in the previous year. Girl A also has a partner who I get on with and on the two meet ups this year he has attended. Before me and Girl B started dating me and Girl A went on a night away as friends, different rooms etc, nothing remotely romantic has happened between us ever and never will.

    Girl B I met online dating a few months after meeting Girl A and went on a couple of dates with her 2 years ago. Nothing more came of it but we kept in touch and at times text each other and spoke on phone. We had sporadic contact with each other until last October (2016) when we went on a date and started dating properly. Girl B does not trust in friendships of the opposite sex and wants me to phase out my friendship with Girl A. Girl B has displayed intense emotions on the subject including searching Girl A's Facebook finding photos of us together and claiming that we have cheated. The problem here is that the photos are from before October 2016 when me and Girl B started dating. I don't feel that I need to apologise for hanging out with a friend when I was single. Girl B does not accept this and says the photos have broken her heart.

    I am at a loss, I enjoy the friendship of Girl A and even the friendship with Girl As partner. Me and him get on well and have recently been camping together etc. I really can see something long term with Girl B but can't stand the thought that she thinks it is acceptable to dictate an other adults relationships and how they can interact with other people and on what level. I have tried to arrange things where all 4 of us can do something together but Girl B ..does not like Girl A even though they have not met and refuses to meet her.

    To me Girl A is a friend and context proves that. Girl B is a potential long term partner. I am at a loss of how to deal with this one. I can't handle anymore arguments.
    Last edited by Pay_me; 02-08-2017 at 11:21 PM.
Page 4
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 5th Aug 17, 12:39 AM
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    Geoff1963
    The OP is saying :
    a) Girl A is just a friend, but
    b) I'm not willing to give her up to make Girl B happy
    The OP can't have it both ways. Whether Girl A is a potential romantic alternative or not, doesn't matter.

    Perhaps Girl B would be OK with a Girl C, who did not pre-date the relationship.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 5th Aug 17, 4:47 AM
    • 29,794 Posts
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    getmore4less
    seems to be some confusion

    10 June single and desperate.
    So, approaching my mid 30's and single after splitting from a long term partner end of last year Been trying to get back out there to find potential new romantic partners and have absolutely no idea how to in my current situation.
    link to thread below
    no mention of the "current GF" that at that time was the latest breakup after around 5-6 months just the previous one last year

    2 Aug not so single and 10 months in.
    My situation: Partner of nearly 10 months
    again no mention of the break up 2-3 month gap.



    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5662878
    Last edited by getmore4less; 06-08-2017 at 4:59 AM.
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 5th Aug 17, 2:26 PM
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    determined new ms
    That is the thing I am sturggling with it is not like I see this girl or talk to her daily it is occasionally. Her partner has no issues and me and him have become friends including doing stuff together.

    I have no problems with friendships of the opposite sex I was brought up in a family were it was normal both parents had them. My friends have them. In previous relationships girlfriends have had them and It does not worry me. I don't know how to deal with my current partners insecurities. She wont meet the girl, the facebook thing was mental. I had to say to her look at the photo dates that was from before we got together etc.

    I agree getting in to a relationship does change things in that your partner becomes a priority but it does not mean they become your only thing etc. My partner has a male mate... but that is different apparently!! I am at a loss, really am!!
    Originally posted by Pay_me
    sorry I'm late to the party so haven't read all of the posts. But this one struck me as the thing is she does have issues around this. There are a whole spectrum of reasons why someone is insane with jealousy at one end and another person is completely fine with it at the other. That's one of the things we have to navigate when we start to develop a serious relationship with someone.

    I am much more jealous about relationships with the other sex, my partner much more relaxed about it. But in the main we don't overly develop 121 relationships with members of the opposite sex so as not to ruin what we have. That's an area of compromise we were able to get to, but it took it's time. We both do have pre-standing relationships with members of the opposite sex who we spend time with, but less 121 time than prior to getting together, and more getting together in group couples things

    There are people we both spend time with who to be fair aren't our cup of tea and we could take it or leave it but the relationship is important to the other so we go along to the events for the other one

    It's all about working out where each other's lines in the sand are and where you're prepared to compromise and come up with agreements you're both happy to live with
    DF as at 30/12/16
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    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 5th Aug 17, 7:34 PM
    • 1,171 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    The main thing is that you and your partner agree. If you both think its fine / not fine there is no problem. Obviously you have a few differences of opinion here. Is it worth conceding for the sake of the relationship? What's most important? Is this friend that important or is making your partner happy more important because it doesn't seem you can have it both ways.
    Personally I wouldn't like my husband having female friends! I think its very unlikely that opposite sex friends ( maybe if one is gay?! ) can be just friends. One will probably fancy the other to some degree and if it upsets your partner its not worth it.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 5th Aug 17, 11:42 PM
    • 3,339 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    The main thing is that you and your partner agree. If you both think its fine / not fine there is no problem. Obviously you have a few differences of opinion here. Is it worth conceding for the sake of the relationship? What's most important? Is this friend that important or is making your partner happy more important because it doesn't seem you can have it both ways.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    Though according to the fifth post on this topic, the OP's girlfriend is having it both ways, with a male friend of her own.

    Anyone that issues ultimatums in a relationship is bad news, as are hypocrites (see post 5 - his girlfriend has a male friend of her own, but that's different apparently).
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
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    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 6th Aug 17, 1:40 AM
    • 13,454 Posts
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    onlyroz
    Platonic relationships with the opposite sex don't exist. You may not have acted on it, but you want to get it on with this female friend.
    Originally posted by gabriel1980
    Don't be ridiculous. I have plenty of platonic male friends. As I work in a male dominated field I'd be pretty lonely if I didn't.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 6th Aug 17, 7:28 AM
    • 949 Posts
    • 1,006 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Personally I wouldn't like my husband having female friends! I think its very unlikely that opposite sex friends ( maybe if one is gay?! ) can be just friends. One will probably fancy the other to some degree and if it upsets your partner its not worth it.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    I think the "if it upsets your partner" thing is the issue here. From this thread it would appear that the partner's "upset" is unreasonable. You shouldn't just not do something because it may not be what your partner would like. And I speak from experience here. That's a slippery slope

    Personally, if my partner tried to stop me seeing female friends then I wouldn't be around long. And yes, as I have said before, I am attracted to some of them. But, as long as everyone is grown up about it it shouldn't impact on anything. Other female friends I do not fancy - and I'm pretty sure the vast majority of my female friends don't fancy me!
    Last edited by NeilCr; 06-08-2017 at 7:43 AM.
    • maman
    • By maman 7th Aug 17, 5:56 PM
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    maman
    Platonic relationships with the opposite sex don't exist. You may not have acted on it, but you want to get it on with this female friend.
    Originally posted by gabriel1980

    That's a ridiculous statement. It may apply to you personally but as a generalisation it's nonsense.


    I'd better warn my male friends that I'm about to 'get it on' with them!
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 8th Aug 17, 8:59 AM
    • 4,273 Posts
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    gonzo127
    That's a ridiculous statement. It may apply to you personally but as a generalisation it's nonsense.


    I'd better warn my male friends that I'm about to 'get it on' with them!
    Originally posted by maman
    haha i have to agree, i should probably tell my best friend of over 20 years that i have only ever wanted to get in her knickers!!!!!
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    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Aug 17, 9:46 AM
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    Judi
    Platonic relationships with the opposite sex don't exist.
    Originally posted by gabriel1980
    Yes they do, as long as neither of you want more than friendship or are attracted to each other.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • beautiful_ravens
    • By beautiful_ravens 8th Aug 17, 10:15 AM
    • 705 Posts
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    beautiful_ravens
    Ive had a similar problem most of my life, being a woman who prefers male company/friends. Its caused at least one ruckus in every relationship Ive had.
    My now DH is ok with it because he is good friends with the same blokes. But I can almost guarantee that if I met a bloke today and became friends, DH would not quite believe that they werent 'after something'.

    I think a big problem with opposite sex friendships is the perceived potential for cheating.

    It may be that OP's partner sees something in the other woman/friend that she considers worth being worried about. Maybe its 'what does she know about him that I dont dont' kind of worries. Maybe its just that friendships have no particular strings or obligations compared to relationships and its a jealousy over an easier style of relationship.
    ''A moment's thinking is an hour in words.'' -Thomas Hood
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 8th Aug 17, 10:28 AM
    • 15,143 Posts
    • 14,757 Thanks
    Guest101
    Ive had a similar problem most of my life, being a woman who prefers male company/friends. Its caused at least one ruckus in every relationship Ive had.
    My now DH is ok with it because he is good friends with the same blokes. But I can almost guarantee that if I met a bloke today and became friends, DH would not quite believe that they werent 'after something'.

    I think a big problem with opposite sex friendships is the perceived potential for cheating.

    It may be that OP's partner sees something in the other woman/friend that she considers worth being worried about. Maybe its 'what does she know about him that I dont dont' kind of worries. Maybe its just that friendships have no particular strings or obligations compared to relationships and its a jealousy over an easier style of relationship.
    Originally posted by beautiful_ravens


    I don't know your DH obviously, but from my perspective, I find it stranger when people stay friends with exes than make new friends.
    • maman
    • By maman 8th Aug 17, 11:15 AM
    • 16,658 Posts
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    maman
    I don't know your DH obviously, but from my perspective, I find it stranger when people stay friends with exes than make new friends.
    Originally posted by Guest101

    I think I can agree with that.


    With my platonic male friends I've never had a sexual relationship and never will but there's always history attached to an ex.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 8th Aug 17, 11:29 AM
    • 4,273 Posts
    • 5,439 Thanks
    gonzo127
    I don't know your DH obviously, but from my perspective, I find it stranger when people stay friends with exes than make new friends.
    Originally posted by Guest101
    i dont know, i dont find it that surprising, as there is the 'been there, done that, not interested any longer'

    whereas a new friend can be like the shiny new phone you want, even though you dont need it,

    shiny newness can/does create desire even against reason
    Drop a brand challenge
    on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
    10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
    20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
    30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 8th Aug 17, 11:34 AM
    • 7,592 Posts
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    heartbreak_star
    I'm at least on speaking terms with all of my exes bar one, and he was violent. I was actually best man for my ex-fiance, ha ha!

    It's nice to retain a passing acquaintance at least, especially if you have friends in common

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • beautiful_ravens
    • By beautiful_ravens 8th Aug 17, 11:57 AM
    • 705 Posts
    • 2,758 Thanks
    beautiful_ravens
    Perhaps my post wasnt clear - my bloke friends arent my ex's. Theyre just our friends. I am only facebook-friends with my ex's!
    ''A moment's thinking is an hour in words.'' -Thomas Hood
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Aug 17, 4:13 PM
    • 949 Posts
    • 1,006 Thanks
    NeilCr
    My ex and I are good friends.

    We were together for a long time and the relationship had just run it's course. There was no big bust up - we sat down one day and decided the best thing was for us to go our separate ways

    She lives in a different part of the country and we chat on the phone once a week. We have a lot of history, know each other very well and can help and advise on occasions

    To be honest, we probably get on better now as there aren't the daily niggles that used to be so irksome (for both of us!)
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 9th Aug 17, 2:01 PM
    • 22,958 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    Time to bail out. Otherwise you'll end up skulking around and trying to find excuses to hide your tracks just to talk to people - add in a bit of the excitement of subterfuge/disobeying Mummy/psychobunnyboiler and you'll end up nobbing the first secret friend who actually fancies you and suggests that you could experience more freedom in a relationship with them.

    Control freaks tend to push relatively normal people into behaving exactly how they imagine they will as soon as the leash is loosened; it's partly the 'may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' response.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

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    Originally posted by colinw
    • aussie in wales
    • By aussie in wales 13th Sep 17, 4:53 PM
    • 14 Posts
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    aussie in wales
    Totally agree with Pollycat.
    I do a lot of climbing and a lot of my friends I climb with are male. We go away on weekends camping and climbing but they are just friends and have been for 15 years or so. I would not accept a boyfriend demanding that I cut of my friendship with my long time friends as they were too jealous, immature or distrustful to handle it.

    I have ended relationships with guys in the past because of this. If you give in now you've set a precedent for her to 'demand' certain unreasonable things from you in the future.
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