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    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 30th Jul 17, 7:22 AM
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    Mrs S, family life and debt
    • #1
    • 30th Jul 17, 7:22 AM
    Mrs S, family life and debt 30th Jul 17 at 7:22 AM
    This is my 4th diary. I'll link the others in case anyone has absolutely nothing to do and fancies a read!

    Diary 1: MrsS is getting serious

    Diary 2: Debt free before 35

    Diary 3: A pound stretching maternity

    So, who is Mrs S?

    I'm in my mid early 30's and a mum to 2 lovely little boys. My second maternity leave is just coming to an end (sob). I'm a teacher but looking for a career change. I mentioned this career change back in diary 1, but I'm finally doing something about it. I have 2 job interviews next week and I'm still searching and applying for others.


    I guess I wouldn't be starting a new diary if I didn't have any debts. Maternity leave and retraining has meant that the debt we had beforehand has increased. Significantly. I'm gutted, but from the retraining side, I just had to do it. Today, our debts stand at:

    Loan: £9,906.30
    Credit Card: £6,480.60

    We also have a mortgage of £92,720.52

    Excluding the mortgage, our current debt figure is £16,386.90. That's massive.

    So what are we doing about it?

    Not adding to it any more, that's to start! The problem is that a lot depends on whether I find work quickly. In an ideal world I will be working by September (even if it's something unrelated to what I actually want to do, as we need a second income).

    Using YNAB. I've used YNAB for a few years now, and love it. It's so clear in showing how much money we actually have, and splitting it between different pots.

    Paying £266.40 towards the loan every month, and around £65-£70 towards the card. The card is a very recent balance transfer, so not 100% sure on exact figures yet, but 1% is the minimum balance. I'm not sure whether to stick with the minimum, or a set amount each month. The set amount won't be much higher than the minimum, but obviously won't decrease every month. Possibly £65 per month. That means we will be paying £331.40 towards our debt each month. At this rate it would take 50 months to clear. 4 years, 2 months.

    Budgeting and treats

    I allow treats. They're budgeted for. I would fall flat on my face if we weren't allowed our treats. We do have little breaks away sometimes (not abroad, we haven't been abroad since our honeymoon). We save for them, though and pay with the money we have and not add to the debt. We have the odd takeaway and meal out, we have days out. I treat the boys on their birthdays and Christmas. I have this year started paying into Park for Vouchers in time for Christmas. I've budgeted for that every month.

    We put money into our car pot each month for the MOT and any extras it needs. Our car is 12 years old, and up until recently hasn't needed anything doing to it. A couple of little things are starting to need changing now so I'm hoping we'll have a few more years before the car get sorted too expensive. I do love my car! It's nothing special, not fancy and was cheap to buy with low mileage (we've had the car about 5 years).

    Right, I've probably bored anyone who's reading this enough for a first 'All about me' post.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
Page 20
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 2nd Jan 18, 11:30 PM
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    This is what I love about this site....people are so lovely.

    We both have our children's best interest as a priority. I know 100% that he wouldn't clear the accounts. We've agreed to keep his income coming in to the joint account until I can sort child tax credits, etc. Will fill the forms in tomorrow (unless it can be done online?!). Apparently they backdate so I've said I'll give him some of the extra I get (if I get). I have a little savings in my name, which I don't intend to ever touch as it is their for the ultimate, we can cant pay the mortgage, or I can't put food on the table emergency. I don't think he'll mention wanting some. I do have 1 credit card debt in my name. It pretty much equals the savings but as it's 0% I'm happy keeping it on a card instead of paying it off and having no savings. MrS (I don't know what to call him now!!) has said that despite it being in my name, as far as he's concerned it's joint. But, until I know what help (if any) I can get, we can't really discuss the finance side very well.

    Tomorrow's tasks are sorting benefits and council tax. I do need to make sure he has money available to him for the rest of the month, though he has said he has no intentions of using any of the joint accounts as soon as he drives away Thursday night. Despite the fact that he'll be with his parents, he will need some money.

    Most of the bills are in my name already. Im pretty sure all the utilities are. The car is in his name, but he has a pnother that he uses for work so has said he won't worry about that. He's the main driver on the insurance, but I'm wondering whether I can keep it like that until it's up for renewal next and then renew in my name (which will probably cost a lot more as I don't have no claims any more......since marrying we've dropped to 1 car between us as he had the work one).

    My mind is literally whirring with trying to work out what I need to do.

    I'm ok in myself, I know this needs to happen and it will make us both so much happier. The only times I get super emotional is when we discuss the boys. I'm going to miss them so much when they're not here. We've decided on 50:50 contact as he is such an amazing dad to them and it wouldn't be fair on him or them to fight that. But, by living pretty close (we'll be 20 mins apart - I'm staying in the home, he's moving in with his parents) and me being so close to school/nursery, it (at the moment - things could change) actually looks like there will only be 1 day a week each where we won't see the boys at all. I already dislike Thursdays!!
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • erniethecat
    • By erniethecat 2nd Jan 18, 11:40 PM
    • 31 Posts
    • 90 Thanks
    MrsS, you don't know me, and I don't know you, so I'm not sure how much this helps, but please know that i am sending good thoughts for you. I can only imagine how unbearably difficult things are, even if it's something you want and that you know will make the future better. One small step at a time. My heart is with you.
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 3rd Jan 18, 12:16 AM
    • 397 Posts
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    You need to be careful still being 'financially' linked to him once you change your Tax credits and things to single. Make sure he updates his address on things like his car etc.

    Keeping things on good terms is the best for all of you but the links with banks etc must be cut when he leaves and you make a single claim (if you call tax credits they should close the joint claim and allow you to open the single claim on the phone so have your income details etc to hand)

    Remember it will get easier and it will become 'normal' and happy for you x
    “Once you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.”
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 3rd Jan 18, 5:32 AM
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    I've made a list for today and will start by filling in a form to remove mr S from the joint bills account (that's quite a straightforward one - just a form to print and post), but it looks as if it's easier to close the HSBC accounts. Will look a little more into that. I need to change child benefit to be paid into my account instead of the joint one.....will sort that today.

    Once I've done both of them I'll sort out the benefits forms. As the only thing we receive at the moment is child benefit, I need to look into whether I can do it over the phone or not.

    Mr S is on the water bill. I think the rest are in my name only, will need to check and change that today.

    Will contact my local council tax office to remove mr S and apply for a discount.

    Will ask mr S to sort driving licence out asap.

    Will transfer money over to mr S as he won't have access to the joint accounts further. No idea how much......will need to discuss with him.

    We've decided that I'll pay for all childcare costs, clubs, dinner money, school uniform, shoes, etc so will work out a rough cost for that and split 50:50 which will equal child maintenance. I think that's the simplest option. May add birthday parties, to that rather than trying to split costs at the time. I'll write it all down today.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • wishingthemortgaheaway
    • By wishingthemortgaheaway 3rd Jan 18, 6:58 AM
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    All sounding very organised Mrs S.
    Can I suggest adding 1 item to your to do list please?

    Sending out the following text to your friends...

    'Lovely friends, as you know my circumstances are changing and, as you've all offered to support me, I'm calling in that support.
    I'm filling my diary with Thursday night activities. Either come to me, or I'll come to you, simple food, DVDs, board games light hearted conversations. Looking forward to some proper giggles.
    Mrs S'
    The 100 payment countdown (each payment = £400) 2018 Starts at 13/100 o/s £34,750.
    Term Mortgage free date: October 2029 Current mortgage free date: April 2025 March 2025
    MFW 2018 Challenge Member #162 0/£2,500
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 3rd Jan 18, 9:32 AM
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    Thank you wishing. I'll probably end up using Thursday nights for doing as much housework as possible to make sure that the time I spend with the boys is special.

    The boys are out today in nursery and club which gives us a day to get what we can done. So far this morning I have:
    removed Mr S from water account,
    filled in a form for the bills account. I just need him to sign it when he gets back later and take it in/post it to the local branch,
    Changed child benefit so that it comes into my personal account,
    Applied for a form for claiming tax credits. It takes up to 2 weeks to arrive and then 5 weeks to process. I'm hoping by the 1st March it will be sorted.

    This is making it seem so real. I'm so sad that we couldn't make this work, but so pleased we are working together at the moment for the boys. I so hope that doesn't change. I keep thinking about next New Years Day and hope we can look back and see we've made the right decision and that all 4 of us are so happy.

    I now need to think about next week's meal plan so that I don't have a ridiculous amount of leftover stuff. The boys will be sleeping here 4 nights a week but will also be eating here 1 other. 5 evening meals for the 3 of us to sort, and 2 for just me.

    Sorry for the many updates (and probably repeating myself a lot!). This diary is such a good place for me to get my head around things, and to be organised. In rl at the moment, the only people that know are our parents. We need to get the boys sorted first and told. We'll then think about other things.

    I'm dreading telling the boys. We'll be doing it tomorrow morning, but agreed that Mr S will stay around for the day and put them to bed so that if ds1 wants to ask questions or just needs plenty of support we'll both be around all day to be there for him. The boys will then be with me until lunch time Saturday. I'm thinking of taking them out for the day on Friday. No idea where or to do what yet, I'll have a think. I've spoken with my mum and she'll be coming with us.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • wishingthemortgaheaway
    • By wishingthemortgaheaway 3rd Jan 18, 10:01 AM
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    Don't apologise for the updates, we don't have to read or respond.

    Personally I would just plan for the meals that there are the three of you, on my meal plan when hubby is away working I just wrote 'freezer meal' then eat just that, a left over's freezer meal. 7 days food for the price of 5.
    The 100 payment countdown (each payment = £400) 2018 Starts at 13/100 o/s £34,750.
    Term Mortgage free date: October 2029 Current mortgage free date: April 2025 March 2025
    MFW 2018 Challenge Member #162 0/£2,500
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 3rd Jan 18, 10:27 AM
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    • 9,885 Thanks
    Sorry to hear your news Mrs S but I am sure your boys will benefit in the long run from having 2 happy parents even if not together than if you both stay together and make each other unhappy. My sister separated a few years ago from her husband after 29 years and she says on reflection the signs were there from many years ago but they stayed together for the children. On reflection she now wishes they had made the break years ago when the children were young as she is now facing a life without her ex or the children who have now flown the nest so to speak.

    On a practical side keep things amicable both in terms of finance and access. Solicitors are expensive and from the sound of it you are both on board with putting your children first and being fair to each other. Housing is usually the biggest issue as presumably at some point he will need to either rent or buy somewhere. Once you know what benefits you are entitled to then work out where you stand.

    Your boys are young and will adjust to a new way of living so don't worry about that. Sad but sometimes these things happen.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 3rd Jan 18, 11:45 AM
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    Thank you both. I'm definitely taking on board what people are saying.

    I've now contacted my council to amend my council tax info and ask for information on how I go about the 25% discount.

    I've also ordered a dvd player. It wasn't a priority, but ours broke ages ago and we've been using the xbox to watch dvds. I've told Mr S that he can take the xbox (it is his to be fair!) as it will be nice for ds1 to be able to watch dvds at the inlaws but not taking over the living room. I found a cheap one from Tesco with good reviews. I had to buy one for here as ds1 loves watching his DVDs.

    I've also taken most of the Christmas decorations down. I'm kind of at a loss about what I should be doing. I think Mr S needs to be sorting his things without me so I'm just pottering around downstairs at the moment.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • WannabeFree
    • By WannabeFree 3rd Jan 18, 12:26 PM
    • 397 Posts
    • 5,616 Thanks
    You're doing brilliant don't forget that

    If you want to sort the tax credits sooner have you called them? They let me make my single claim over the phone. Also do you use your online tax account? It's worth having to keep an eye on the payments/details they hold and update things like income etc.

    Well done on getting so much sorted, make sure you make time to have a cuppa and sit down too x
    “Once you hit rock bottom, that's where you perfectly stand; That's your chance of restarting, but restarting the right way.”
    • MeandO
    • By MeandO 3rd Jan 18, 1:45 PM
    • 1,217 Posts
    • 5,846 Thanks
    I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but I just wanted to pop in and say hello as someone who has been in a very similar situation as yourself and has come out the other side. In fact, I detailed it on one of my old diaries which makes for quite painful reading for me these days, but it did help at the time.

    My ex husband and I split amicably around Christmas time 4 years ago and, although it has probably been the hardest 4 years of my life, we both still get on well and work together to parent our son. We both have our own houses, new partners (not live-in presently) and would always support each other if needed. The main point though, like your situation, is that we both always put our child first in the decisions we make.

    I remember telling DS, who was nearly 3 at the time, that Daddy wouldn't be living in the house anymore, but he would be buying his own not far away and it meant that DS would then have two bedrooms! We got him involved in choosing things for his new room and Daddy's house and, even choking back our own tears at times, tried to make it as positive for him as possible. He took it all in his stride, whereas we struggled immensely.

    You will be fine, you will be happy again and you will even come to appreciate your Thursday nights of having a bit of 'you time'! Your children will also grow up to be happy and well adjusted who know both parents love them and work together to parent them. My DS was nearly 3 when we split and he is a happy, well behaved and loving child who knows both of his parents adore him.

    Neither myself nor my ex had family locally to support us, in fact, the family involvement we did have made a bad situation much worse for us, but that's another story! It sounds like your Mum lives relatively close to you so make sure you lean on her when you need to. It would have helped me immensely to have family or even friends close to me that I could turn to when needed.

    On a practial level, please do register with tax credits (although they are a nightmare to deal with, any extra money will help). Also, contact your gas/elec/water supplier and tell them you are now the only adult in the house and they may reduce your bill if it's based on actual consumption.
    If you don't already use YNAB I'd highly recomend it. It has really helped me to budget and pay off my debts.

    I find batch-cooking meals I know my DS likes and freezing them is a big help and a great time saver.

    It's hard being the only parent in the house at times, but I can honestly say it's made myself and DS so much closer and I appreciate time with him so much more. I know that if we had stayed together then neither of us would have been happy and, in turn, DS would have suffered.

    Sorry this has turned into a long post, I just wanted to tell you that it will all work out and you and your children will be fine, despite how it feels at times.

    If you ever need a sympathetic ear feel free to pm me.
    Mortgage Feb 2015: £102,000 Mortgage now: £78,089
    OP 2018 (£100pm): £102.26/£1200
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 3rd Jan 18, 5:07 PM
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    Thank you again so much for your messages. They are so lovely to read with lots of good advice. MeandO, your post was just what I needed to read. It's telling ds1, who is 4, that will be the hardest of all. I'm dreading tomorrow morning.

    We've had a pretty ok day today. We've talked a lot. We've laughed a bit, we've cried a bit and we've decided on a few things. My Thursday nights will no longer be happening!! It was actually MrS' decision. He'll be bringing them back here and putting them to bed here. It means Friday morning will be easier all around and I can sort them out before I go to work. It does make sense and I'm really happy that he put the boys first there. They will be sleeping here 5 nights a week. On 3 of the nights, MrS can call around before bedtime to see them and put them to bed if he can/wants.

    He's having them a little longer this weekend coming as well as a one off (weekends we're hoping will be flexible but work out a day each ish). He was bringing them back here Sunday by midday, but I've suggested they go shopping for a few bits for the boys to have at their Dads, which means they'll be a few hours later back.

    I looked into phoning HMRC/tax credits. But reading up it said changes could be made over the phone, but if you don't currently receive any tax credits then you need to apply with a certain form, which is on the way (sometime over the next 2 weeks - how long does it take to post a form??!!). I hate the fact that I can't budget at the moment, as I have no idea what will be happening and how much money I'll have. We're not going to decide on child maintenance until that's worked out either.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 4th Jan 18, 5:40 AM
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    Today’s the day. It’s going to be a surreal one. I keep trying to decide on how to word it. I’m going to keep it as positive as possible. “Daddy will be sleeping elsewhere and they’ll be staying over with him sometimes and will still see lots and lots of him. Daddy will also be able to tuck them up in bed here lots but after he’s done that he’ll be going to his house to sleep.” It’s so difficult to know whether I’ll be saying the right things.

    I spoke with my mum earlier and told her that I had ordered a dvd player. She mentioned that she has an old one of mine that works but isn’t being used. I’ll return the one I’ve ordered as soon as possible.

    I’ve meal planned and ordered. I’ve stocked up on bits like nappies/baby wipes and the bill is looking to be around £46 at the moment. I think going forward it will work out a little cheaper. I may have a delivery every other week and then just a top up in between. I do have over flowing cupboards at the moment so really need a proper sort out and to get rid of things that won’t be used.
    Last edited by MrsSave; 04-01-2018 at 5:44 AM.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • debtaghh
    • By debtaghh 4th Jan 18, 6:13 AM
    • 1,014 Posts
    • 2,911 Thanks
    Good luck x
    Debt 16th October 2017: Cc £49,987- family £37,561: total debt £87549

    Current debt: Cc £46,505 , Family £ 36,922 total debt £83,497

    Frugal living challenge # 10- £8000 presents/ food/ entertainment/clothes/shoes/haircuts
    • kirtsypoos
    • By kirtsypoos 4th Jan 18, 2:18 PM
    • 3,205 Posts
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    Hope all went well MrsS x
    £70/3000 OH BC(97.66% PAID)
    PAID VERY, Barclaycard x2, Vanquis, Natwest, O/D, Tesco & MBNA x2 PAID LBM 24/07/15 - Debt: £70/31010.23 (99.77% paid)
    Mortgage - £159,900.00 (2017/2018 O/P £2877.06) PAYDBX 17 - £18,442.82
    PAYDBX 18 #006 £891.66/£4000
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 4th Jan 18, 4:25 PM
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    • 4,499 Thanks
    Things went as well as they could. Ds1 listened to what we said and could answer questions afterwards such as "where will daddy be sleeping?" And seems at the moment to have accepted it. It definitely won't be sinking in with him properly for a little while yet. He understands that he'll either be sleeping in the same house as mummy or daddy, but not the 2 of us.

    It's such a weird, long day! I think both me and MrS are dreading the boys' bedtime.......he's putting them to bed and then leaving. Ds1 knows this is happening so I'm wondering what bedtime will be like. As much as I know this is the correct thing to happen, it's going to be so strange. The funny thing is that we've got on so much better this week and have spent lots of time chatting. I just really hope that we continue to get on well. If anyone was looking in at us they'd probably ask why on earth we're doing this as we still care so much for each other. It is 100% the correct thing to do. We care about each other a lot, but neither of us wants to be in a relationship with the other. We're not good together as a couple, but I know we'll work together to be the best parents we can for those boys.

    I've taken forms into Nationwide today to change the account from joint to just me. I've also contacted Tesco credit card as MrS was a named cardholder. I now can't use the Tesco card and have to wait for a new one to arrive - 9-11 days. Be also looked quickly at next month and tried to work out a budget for us and to see how much MrS can have (I know next month is a long way away yet!). I can't remember if I mentioned, but I transferred a few hundred over to him for this month which means he can buy any bits he'll need at his parents place for the boys. They've been and chosen new pjs today which ds1 loves.

    There's a lot he can take from here, but we're both hoping it's a way to get ds1 excited about the whole thing which will make it easier for him. Other than things for the boys, MrS won't need much as his parents will no doubt pay for all the food, etc. I'm absolutely dreading MrS leaving tonight, and know it's going to be very difficult for him to do.

    Sorry, this is looking more like a relationship forum instead of a money one at the moment!!!

    Right, pizzas tonight. Ds1's choice. They're frozen ones from Tesco so very low spend.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • wishingthemortgaheaway
    • By wishingthemortgaheaway 4th Jan 18, 5:57 PM
    • 832 Posts
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    Big hugs Mrs S. You are such a strong person.

    Yes tonight, this week, this month are going to be tough, but you have a plan and a plan is what you will fall back on when you (maybe) feel a little in despair. You are loved by your boys and your boys love you.
    You are loved by your mum and your mum loves you.

    When I took time off work for anxiety and depression and wanted to bury my head in the sand. My husband (who was working away a lot at the time) made me promise not to turn down offers of help or invites out. People weren't just doing it to be nice, they genuinely wanted to love me. So I had to let them. I think you need to do the same.
    Offers of help (say yes!) invites out. (Say yes as long as it's reasonably frugal) if people offer to have the boys for a little while, or invite them round to play, say yes. Be kind to yourself.

    Sleep well (as well as you can) tomorrow is a fresh, new, independently, strong, superwoman of a day.

    Go you.

    The 100 payment countdown (each payment = £400) 2018 Starts at 13/100 o/s £34,750.
    Term Mortgage free date: October 2029 Current mortgage free date: April 2025 March 2025
    MFW 2018 Challenge Member #162 0/£2,500
    • louby40
    • By louby40 4th Jan 18, 9:24 PM
    • 1,261 Posts
    • 3,488 Thanks
    Mrs S, I’m so sorry to read your news. I split and then divorced my boys dad in 2006. The boys were 5 & 3. It was an awful time. But 11 years later we have a decent relationship and we have both supported each other and our children over the years. I’d like to think we have 2 well adjusted children.

    It’s not always been easy but we got there. It’s a big adjustment and you will miss them dreadfully when they are with their dad but you will soon find things to fill your time.

    Thinking of you
    Parent loan PAID IN FULL
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    TOTAL DEBT (with mortgage) = £ (without mortgage) = £
    • MrsSave
    • By MrsSave 5th Jan 18, 5:43 AM
    • 1,403 Posts
    • 4,499 Thanks
    First night pretty much done. Ds2 is teething and always ends up under the weather and with a high temp when he's teething. So tonight has been about calpol, night feeds and cuddles. He's just about settling down to sleep now again. Ds1 will be awake in an hour or so!!

    Thank you again for your kind messages. They're so lovely to read with lots of brilliant advice. It's nice to hear from people who have been in a similar situation too.

    As long as ds2 is settled in the morning, we're going to be going out for the day. I think it will be easier than a long day home just the 3 of us. My mum has the day off so will be joining us. It will probably end up being a cheap mum won't let me spend a penny!

    The DVD player arrived yesterday, so I returned it to store. It's nice not having to spend the £20.
    YNAB - one of my favourite money saving tools
    Check out my debt free diary 'Mrs S, family life and debt' below:
    • mummytogirls
    • By mummytogirls 5th Jan 18, 9:52 PM
    • 5,811 Posts
    • 20,278 Thanks
    Hope today has gone ok MrsS xx
    Mummytogirls x

    £23164.32 - 12/12/10
    £6069.37 - 02/01/18 - 73.80% paid off
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