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  • FIRST POST
    • Knit Witch
    • By Knit Witch 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    • 3,284Posts
    • 30,145Thanks
    Knit Witch
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!
    • #1
    • 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat! 18th Jul 17 at 8:29 PM
    As threads are going walkabout I thought I would start the next stage of this off - I will try and do the links later!
    V3ry - £449.60
Page 199
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 11th Feb 18, 2:04 PM
    • 5,009 Posts
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    VJsmum
    Monna - you'd be very welcome on the Konmarie thread. It really is life changing magic you know...

    Hope you are feeling better today Mar

    I've been struggling this weekend to tell the truth. I thought the initial shock and disbelief had passed, but no, it is there lurking underneath ready to catch me unawares...


    I can see some reasoning for it, dad's ashes came home this week so we have to decide what to do with them, together with mum's which have been waiting for him. The information a few pages ago was really helpful, thank you to who posted it.

    But also, there has been confusion over the will and what was going to happen to the house. After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing a will has come to light which leaves everything to one brother. The brother who was dads carer. It's not that much of a surprise, dad had spoken of it, but then said he wished he hadn't changed the will and then we weren't sure whether the new one had been torn up (a SiL said he had). We had thought that the mirror will he did with mum was the relevant will where everything had been split 5 ways between the siblings with said brother having a 6 month period to find himself a house or buy us out. Bear in mind he already lived rent and Bill free and received carers allowance. Additionally dad had put all his bank accounts in joint names so brother got the (not inconsiderable) contents of those anyway.

    I thought I was fairly philosophical about it, but then I had a vivid dream about it all and now I feel it is really unfair. And I am feeling quite bitter. Not really for me, but for my younger brother an sister. My older brother and I are comfortably off and the money (about £20,000 each) would have been nice but is not essential to us. But younger brother and sister have sweet FA, both have children and that sort of money is s massive deal to them.

    Inheriting brother has had thousands and thousands off mum and dad over the years whereas the others of us have never taken anything so, aside from the actual money, I do think it's unfair not to be acknowledged in any way. Dad's thought process was that we all had something and carer brother didn't. But we, older brother and I, are comfortable through our own efforts and decisions and younger two don't even own their own homes, they both rent.

    Sorry for the rant, it feels better to get it off my chest and I will get over it. Dad was of totally sound mind when he did it and I don't believe him to have been coerced, and in a way he was right as this brother has made some poor life decisions and, maybe, hopefully, this can put him on a better path. That house will be a total millstone around the brothers neck, unless he sells it, because it is in a poor state of repair.

    Ah, sorry all - we can go back to talking about sex toys and hefferlumps now
    Last edited by VJsmum; 11-02-2018 at 2:07 PM.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • ivyleaf
    • By ivyleaf 11th Feb 18, 2:36 PM
    • 5,158 Posts
    • 54,448 Thanks
    ivyleaf
    Oh dear VJsmum, what a tangle Is the carer brother working? Perhaps he will end up having to sell the house anyway, but I assume in that case he would get to keep all the proceeds xx
    • fuddle
    • By fuddle 11th Feb 18, 2:44 PM
    • 6,142 Posts
    • 93,436 Thanks
    fuddle
    VJs it's something I don't understand as everything was split between me and my sister but it was I that dealt with the estate and I alone. I had debt going back 20 years that I had to get to the bottom of. Thankfully Mam had piles and piles of unopened post going back years that told me exactly what was gong on. "Debt is your forte fuddle" so it fell to me but dealing with something so raw within my personal life at that time wrecked me emotionally. I was really bitter about the unfairness of it all. My sister knew someone in the water board so she took that one on. My sister was sent a hamper full of goodies as a thank you for swiftly dealing with what mam owed 'in this difficult time'. She didn't share any of it. That tiny act of u fairness was the straw that broke the camel's back and I wasn't in a good place. The reason why I'm telling you this VJs is because it's not about money. It's about fairness and unfairness. If something is unfair then it doesn't matter if it is trivial or catastrophic in my mind. Unfairness evokes the same emotion, period.

    That leads me nicely to something I inherited. My dad's wooden handled, metal garden hand tools. Today they've been cleaned and oiled. They've not been used in 29 years but they will be with me as I learn to grow. Oh don't. The emotion is immense. VJs find something sentimental for your family members. If you get it right the feeling is priceless.

    And back down to earth with a bump. The old guy contingent are on the plots again. I've had all winter to just get on with things as I prepare. One had told me that I should put black plastic down on my paths so the weeds don't come up. While he is 100% correct I don't want to use black plastic. I don't want to pay for it and want to be as environmentally sound as I can. I used cardboard and then wood chip. Old guy asked if I was suppressing the weeds. Now I know how they work now. They try to lead you down a path whereby they can tell you you're wrong. Not this time, I was ready. "Oh no" I replied. "I'm not at all bothered about having to weed. This is going down to stop me slipping on all this mud!" The old guy couldn't retort. There is always a retort! I'll get there.
    Last edited by fuddle; 11-02-2018 at 2:49 PM.
    • MMF007
    • By MMF007 11th Feb 18, 3:24 PM
    • 1,105 Posts
    • 25,502 Thanks
    MMF007
    VJsmum, strangely enough I had a rough couple of days, no doubt brought on becasue I had to attend another funeral on Friday ( a bit too soon!).

    I can see that you are worried about the fairness of the will but as you say, your dad wrote it as he wanted it. It is a shame that some of your siblings have less but, and this will sound harsh, you can't change that and when it all comes down to it, life is unfair. You must not feel guilty about the various situations that are not of your making.
    It is hard to stop going over things in your mind but if you cannot alter them it is a pointless task.

    Have the siblings accepted matters as they stand?

    We had an incident in relation to some of dad's stuff that reminded me how manipulative and devious my brother can be even though 99 % of the time he is a good person. I spoke to DH about it, just to get it out of my system, but I will let it go because I can't change it and if I dwell on it only I will suffer. I know it's not easy but for my own sake I must. It may be harder for you because you are concerned for other people but please try to shrug your shoulders and encourage all concerned to accept 'that is what dad wanted'.

    I hope you don't mind me being a bit blunt. There will be someone (Monna and Fuddle spring to mind!) who can put things much more cogently
    I have changed my work-life balance to a life-work balance.
    • Floss
    • By Floss 11th Feb 18, 4:13 PM
    • 4,299 Posts
    • 37,225 Thanks
    Floss
    Slightly different spin on the inheritance chat...DH and his 2 older brothers were all rather surprised to see the extent of their parents' estate when eldest had collated the figures. Although they had lived well (no worries re heating, M&S ready meals, charity DDs etc) the brothers' view was that they wished more (cleaner, gardener, taxis) had been bought in sooner (before illness took hold) and holidays taken whilst well so they had enjoyed their money more rather than leaving it for them.

    MMF & VJ'sMum you will both now know that the most unexpected event/thought/word can pull off the scab over your hurt - please see us as your personal shoulders for ranting or off-loading when you need to, and remember that you don't have to look us in the eye after sharing any views xx
    • monnagran
    • By monnagran 11th Feb 18, 4:37 PM
    • 3,429 Posts
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    monnagran
    I dont know about putting things more coherently but I do know where you are coming from VJsmum.
    I can stand abuse, losing out, and all sorts of ill treatment, but any injustice really sticks in my craw.
    I come from the position of having a father who was so scrupulously fair that if he did something to help my brother he immediately sent me a cheque for the same amount. Dad always spent Christmas with me and one year my TV was on the blink. Dad pleaded with me to let him buy me a new one. Eventually I agreed. A few days later I received a note from Dad thanking me for allowing him to get me a TV. Apparently this made his Chiristmas. The same day I had a phone call from my brother asking what dad had given me. I asked him how he knew and he told me that he had just received a cheque.

    I simply do not understand how people can treat their children differently

    However, having said that, I have seen through my years that life has a way of doing a balancing act. I have noticed that in a family one person may have all the wealth and another may be struggling. But then the struggling one may enjoy excellent health whereas the rich one may have chronic illness. One may have a glittering career while another has a happy family life. Sometimes you can't see where the balance is, one seems to have all the ill luck while another thrives, but I bet if you could look beneath the surface you would find all the checks and balances present and correct.

    I have no idea if I am right but it seems to play out about right often enough.

    How this works in your family I have no idea, VJsmum. Maybe your one brother gets the money when what he really craves is a loving partner and a family. I really don't know, but I do hope that there is no bitterness. No amount of money is worth that.
    I believe that friends are quiet angels
    Who lift us to our feet when our wings
    Have trouble remembering how to fly.
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 11th Feb 18, 4:40 PM
    • 5,009 Posts
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    VJsmum
    Thanks all - Floss that is why I posted here, i felt it was a safe space where no one else has vested interest. MMF - I like blunt, another reason why I posted here.

    Fuddle, I have some of mum's jewelry which is very precious to me. I gave my sister some of the more valuable stuff and said she can choose more if she wants. She has mum's wedding ring (which I am more than ok with).

    Ivy - brother does work but it isn't very well paid, obviously he has already lost the carer's allowance.

    Mostly I have looked at it from the perspective that dad knew that we were much more stable than the carer brother (P) - and to some extent a lot of P's instability is the way dad has treated him / or put too much expectation onto him over the years. They were a bit 'steptoe and son' in recent years and dad could be demanding so I think it's right that P took a greater share. i saw the bank account contents as kind of 'redundancy' for him.

    I am seeing P tomorrow so I 'may' find out some more then, although he isn't known for being 100% truthful.

    I haven't seen the will but I know that originally dad had said that if he sells the house, P will have to split the proceeds - though I am not sure how that would stand up in law. I have asked older brother for clarification about the contents of the will as the other siblings need to be told. If that is so - and enforceable - then it makes the house even more of a liability and makes P somewhat trapped.

    Thanks for letting me vent - I think I just needed to get it out of my system.

    EDIT: Monna - thank you. Luckily I am not really cursed with a bitterness bone, I am unsure where all this came from. I thought I was ok and then had the dream - so clearly something was lurking somewhere. You are right in that P's life is a bit of a car crash (although to be fair, my sister isn't tons better) and, on the whole, the remainder of us are fairly stable. I am the peacemaker of the family but I fear the relationship between P and my sister will be dead now...
    Last edited by VJsmum; 11-02-2018 at 4:50 PM.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • Floss
    • By Floss 11th Feb 18, 5:07 PM
    • 4,299 Posts
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    Floss
    VJ'sMum maybe your brother has a life interest only, to be rescinded upon sale?
    • Hard Up Hester
    • By Hard Up Hester 11th Feb 18, 5:38 PM
    • 3,418 Posts
    • 41,665 Thanks
    Hard Up Hester
    This is something I worry about. Currently CHS and I have a joint will, everything goes to the surviving partner when the surviving partner dies everything is split between my four children, but I have one son who is rolling in money, a son and daughter who are comfortably off and one daughter who is struggling financially.
    The little that I leave, divided four ways will be like buying my wealthy son a cup of tea, whereas the entire amount left to my financially strapped daughter would make a huge difference to her. It's a dilemma.
    Chin up, Titus out.
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 11th Feb 18, 5:46 PM
    • 1,968 Posts
    • 25,505 Thanks
    nursemaggie
    We were just going out to Ald! When DS said we have water coming in the bathroom ceiling. He put some towels down, too near the door for bowls and I went upstairs.

    I caught the parents in bed and the kids running wild. Fortunately they let me in to show them the bathroom, shower head on the floor and water running all over the floor, not draining as floor not flat.

    Someone should tell them they should look after their kids not make some more. Does anyone think I should tell social services? It could have been much more serious.
    • MrsLurcherwalker
    • By MrsLurcherwalker 11th Feb 18, 5:47 PM
    • 11,311 Posts
    • 157,522 Thanks
    MrsLurcherwalker
    When my Dad died my step mother was left the use of everything in his will, nothing to my brother or myself but on her demise it was supposed to be evenly split between all the grandchildren. He left a collection of Beatrix Potter figurines to my eldest DD which suddenly disappeared and all knowledge was denied. To this day (since 1994) I have not a single thing that was his, I asked once if I could have the piece of the rock of Gibraltar that had always lived on the mantelpiece as it's the thing that reminded me most of him but even that was 'don't know what you're talking about!' Step mum is still going strong, has gone through another partner (makes 3) since my dad and I'm absolutely certain that my brother and I or the girls and my nephew won't even be told when she departs this mortal coil. She has 3 of the most avaricious children I have ever known, all dads efforts will go to them! I mind for the principle of the thing but in honesty she cared for him and made him happy so it's perhaps just payment.
    Thumpers mum was right - if you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all!
    • fuddle
    • By fuddle 11th Feb 18, 5:54 PM
    • 6,142 Posts
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    fuddle
    My sister's half is play money. She already has her 5 bed house, her cars, her security. My half... well you know what that has done. I don't begrudge her half at all and because it's split equally it has meant that all the troubles of the past can kind of be put to bed and we can try to get on as sisters and have some kind of relationship. If I got more, or I had got less we would never have been able to get over that and we could kiss our family ties good bye.
    • Floss
    • By Floss 11th Feb 18, 5:56 PM
    • 4,299 Posts
    • 37,225 Thanks
    Floss
    NM tell the HA about the souurce of your water ingress, as you will be doing as tenants

    DH and I have regular discussions about wills... I have 2 sons, 1 married. He has 2 nieces, 1 married (both City lawyers living in Surrey) and the orher with chronic disabling conditions. We own 2 houses, and really need to make decisions as to the route of each others assets after demise. Life interests certainly, but beyond that we haven't got
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 11th Feb 18, 6:01 PM
    • 5,009 Posts
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    VJsmum
    UPDATE

    Apparently older brother didn't tell me the full story - honestly, it would have been easier if i had sorted it; I am painfully honest and would have done everything by the letter of the law.

    The will says that P gets 60% of everything and the remaining 40% to be split 4 ways. P can't afford to buy us out so we are going to have to force a sale - P will not want this. i feel better about this, as at least sister and youngest brother will get something after all.

    Hester, i know what you mean - we are probably talking about £10k - £15k each. this is a fortune to my sister and younger brother. it is a lot of money for me and older brother too but adds to a pot, rather than being the pot..

    we have done the same, left everything to each other and after that the children. i totally trust my OH to look after the children even if he were to marry again. Interestingly, when we wrote the wills the solicitor asked what should happen if all four of us went together. OH said he didn't really care what would happen if we made no provision - until he found out what would happen... At the time we wrote them, both children were under 18 - if we'd all gone in a plane crash or whatever, i would be deemed the inheritor of everything as i am younger than OH. If no provision were made EVERYTHING we owned, house, contents, savings etc would come to me and then to my next of kin. My next of kin after OH and kids are my oldest brother (who has distanced himself from the family and has nothing to do with us) and the older brother I am speaking of here (who is well off). OH's family would have got nothing and neither would my younger siblings (who are half siblings).. Needless to say, we made provision

    In the living world, we don't always treat each child equally in terms of gifts - working on the basis that it probably evens out in the end. if one needed a laptop (for example) we wouldn't automatically spend the same on the other, on the basis that eventually that child too would need a laptop..
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • mardatha
    • By mardatha 11th Feb 18, 7:32 PM
    • 14,473 Posts
    • 136,309 Thanks
    mardatha
    Well after the last few days I'm going to make it my ambition to leave nothing because I'll have bloody well enjoyed spending it myself. Instead of being dead
    • greenbee
    • By greenbee 11th Feb 18, 7:59 PM
    • 12,373 Posts
    • 217,500 Thanks
    greenbee
    Too right Mar. Make the most of it.

    I keep telling my mum to spend the money on getting the help she needs to be able to enjoy living where she is rather than worrying about how much work the house/garden takes as she doesn't want to move for a few more years. Mind you, getting reliable help can be difficult.
    • maryb
    • By maryb 11th Feb 18, 8:06 PM
    • 3,569 Posts
    • 43,262 Thanks
    maryb
    We redid our wills recently and didn't make too many changes because we sorted out who got what if we all went together when we made our wills after we got married. But this time instead of leaving things to siblings and siblings in law we decided to skip a generation and leave to the nephews and nieces in the event we all go together. Our in laws have all now decided that when they update their wills they will do the same
    It doesn't matter if you are a glass half full or half empty sort of person. Keep it topped up! Cheers!
    • ivyleaf
    • By ivyleaf 11th Feb 18, 8:30 PM
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    ivyleaf
    My brother was the executor when our Dad died.

    Dad's Will said simply "All to my wife."
    • silvasava
    • By silvasava 11th Feb 18, 8:34 PM
    • 3,480 Posts
    • 55,606 Thanks
    silvasava
    Mar - be a ski-er like me! Spending The Kids Inheritance
    DH & I have mirror wills that leaves everything to each other and the one left standing passes it onto the kids (whatever's left!)
    Small victories - sometimes they are all you can hope for but sometimes they are all you need - be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
    • maryb
    • By maryb 11th Feb 18, 8:36 PM
    • 3,569 Posts
    • 43,262 Thanks
    maryb
    Our wills are identical but not formal mirror wills. But we trust each other and it's easier this way
    It doesn't matter if you are a glass half full or half empty sort of person. Keep it topped up! Cheers!
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