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  • FIRST POST
    • Knit Witch
    • By Knit Witch 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    • 3,192Posts
    • 29,262Thanks
    Knit Witch
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!
    • #1
    • 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat! 18th Jul 17 at 8:29 PM
    As threads are going walkabout I thought I would start the next stage of this off - I will try and do the links later!
    V3ry - £585.59
Page 120
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 5th Dec 17, 12:52 PM
    • 4,891 Posts
    • 70,501 Thanks
    VJsmum
    Bu88er

    Dad has prostate cancer with bone secondarys. wasn't expecting that..

    I realise theres only so long an 86 year old can carry on but its a bit of a shock. He doesn't know yet..

    Sorry to offload here.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 5th Dec 17, 1:08 PM
    • 1,861 Posts
    • 23,888 Thanks
    nursemaggie
    Sorry VJsmum I know it is still difficult to take in. That does explain the pain in his leg. He probably has a few more. We tend to expect our parents to go on forever.

    We are here for you all of the time. There seems to be a lot of problems around at the moment. DS's 5 hour commute and the noisy neighbours seem very trivial right now. Lots of hugs.
    • Floss
    • By Floss 5th Dec 17, 2:09 PM
    • 4,084 Posts
    • 33,624 Thanks
    Floss
    VJsmum oh p00 Will send a big chilly grey hug from Blackpool for him xx
    • Islandmaid
    • By Islandmaid 5th Dec 17, 2:35 PM
    • 2,416 Posts
    • 34,133 Thanks
    Islandmaid
    VJsMum Sorry to hear your news - take care x

    (((Hugs))) to everyone having a sad time, too many to mention, which isn’t good... thinking of you all x
    Note to self - STOP SPENDING MONEY !!


    DECEMBER GC - not a bloomin clue - opting out of December as itís my 50th and i think once a half century itís okay not to mind - back in the saddle January
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 5th Dec 17, 4:36 PM
    • 4,891 Posts
    • 70,501 Thanks
    VJsmum
    Just seen him. He is very confused. He hasnt been told yet as he won't be able to take it in. They arent 100% certain but it looks likely.

    He wanted my sister and i to take him home and got a bit cross with us because we wouldn't.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • nannywindow
    • By nannywindow 5th Dec 17, 4:49 PM
    • 446 Posts
    • 5,466 Thanks
    nannywindow
    VJsmum I was so sorry to read about your Dad. Sending you virtual hugs.
    • greenbee
    • By greenbee 5th Dec 17, 5:28 PM
    • 12,235 Posts
    • 216,107 Thanks
    greenbee
    So sorry VJ's mum. I know it's a lot to take in, but if your dad is distressed by being in hospital, and they are looking at palliative care rather than anything else, then ask them about hospice at home options. If you can avoid him being distressed and upset then it will make the whole situation a lot less stressful for you and the rest of the family, and you can focus on spending time with him rather than dealing with issues.

    MMF - it sounds as if your dad is getting excellent care and that they are listening to him. It must be hard for you all, but make the most of this time with him. I know that the last few days we had with my dad were very special.
    • chickens11
    • By chickens11 5th Dec 17, 6:01 PM
    • 284 Posts
    • 2,666 Thanks
    chickens11
    VJ Mum....Sorry to hear bout your dads poorly health.......We all seem to have health problems right now ........I f anyone gets ill its always worse if its in the winter ..........Ive done no christmas shopping at all , I will do what ive been doing for the past 8 years and thats give out gift vouchers............Save me buying rubbish what people dont want , plus 2 days buying it ............I usually do Next vouchers then they can all go on boxing day to the sales and get double their money .......

    I shall only do a small amount of food shopping , as im not one to go food shopping mad either so christmas dont cost me much .........Cant be bothered with it all ...As long as ive got plenty of coal and logs I wont be worrying too much........I did get given about 3 tonne of logs , that was a farm trailer load and ive stored it all under cover and its all seasoned so thats a great help , I done that back in the summer months .........Ive got GCH , so im never cold , plus coal bunker is full bought at summer prices......
    ..........
    Im suffering my usual SAD this time of year and its pulling me down a bit , just feel I want to hibernate until end of February .......Getting dark at 3.30 pm isnt lifting my spirits ........

    Mardather.....Are you still taking the sea kelp ?...I am with my glaucosamine tablets ......xx
    My motto is " one life live it ".....
    • silvasava
    • By silvasava 5th Dec 17, 7:15 PM
    • 3,288 Posts
    • 52,401 Thanks
    silvasava
    VJsmum - so sorry to learn about your Dad. Please offload here as much as you need - you will be in safe hands. Hugs to both you and MMF at this stressful time.
    Small victories - sometimes they are all you can hope for but sometimes they are all you need - be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
    • Floss
    • By Floss 5th Dec 17, 8:03 PM
    • 4,084 Posts
    • 33,624 Thanks
    Floss
    VJsmum I second the consideration of hospice or hospice at home services - my mum was diagnosed with bone secondaries and the care she received at our local hospice was wonderful (as with all hospices). Unfortunately my dad had the old hospice mindset back in 1991.

    PM if you wish to offload onto an understanding, non-related shoulder xx
    • Nargleblast
    • By Nargleblast 5th Dec 17, 8:42 PM
    • 9,429 Posts
    • 55,647 Thanks
    Nargleblast
    Sorry to hear your news, VJsmum. I second the suggestions re looking into hospice type care. The important thing is for Dad to be comfortable and for you all to spend as much time as possible with him. Horrible news to have at this festive time of year, but there never is a good time for this sort of thing.
    Debt free date.....3 August 2015
    Now building up a Doomsday Cash Stash
    • monnagran
    • By monnagran 5th Dec 17, 9:09 PM
    • 3,172 Posts
    • 39,917 Thanks
    monnagran
    VJsmum, It's horrible that these things happen just before Christmas. Well, it's horrible at any time but much harder to deal with when everything around you is festive and everyone else is, or is pretending to be, happy and jolly. Not only that, but it taints all the Christmases to come. There is a certain poignancy about facing the loss of a parent, no matter what your age. Especially so if it has been a good relationship.
    Don't worry about venting, that's what we are here for.
    I believe that friends are quiet angels
    Who lift us to our feet when our wings
    Have trouble remembering how to fly.
    • MMF007
    • By MMF007 5th Dec 17, 9:14 PM
    • 1,027 Posts
    • 23,157 Thanks
    MMF007
    VJsMum, so sorry to hear that about your dad, what a shock for everyone ((((0))))

    My dad spent the entire morning being very vociferous about his situation and how cross he is that he has not died yet and why can't they just give him a needle and have done with it. You can imagine how this left my mum feeling. He has not asked once how mum is coping (she's 78 and she has incurable cancer herself), whether she is OK, or thanked her for any of the million caring things she has done while being at his bedside for 2 weeks (and in all the years previously). I am heartbroken for mum that even now he can't just say thank you, just once, when she attends to his every whim.
    I hope tomorrow finds him much calmer for his sake and for mum's.
    I have changed my work-life balance to a life-work balance.
    • greenbee
    • By greenbee 5th Dec 17, 9:21 PM
    • 12,235 Posts
    • 216,107 Thanks
    greenbee
    MMF - you just need to remember that this is his coping mechanism (and remind your mum of that too). But it might be worth having a chat with him - maybe talk to him about how much he has meant to you and what he has done for you and then remind him that now is his time to say his goodbyes while he can and talk to his family about what they have meant to him... and if necessary point out to him that he needs to let your mum know she is appreciated and leave her with positive memories.

    I overhead my dad's last conversation with my mum, and it was lovely. He knew it would probably be the last (although she and I were probably both still in denial) so made the effort to make sure it was a good one. We spent his last few days making sure he knew how much he was appreciated as people often start to question what they have achieved in life when they are getting to the end.
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 5th Dec 17, 9:23 PM
    • 4,891 Posts
    • 70,501 Thanks
    VJsmum
    VJsmum, It's horrible that these things happen just before Christmas. Well, it's horrible at any time but much harder to deal with when everything around you is festive and everyone else is, or is pretending to be, happy and jolly. Not only that, but it taints all the Christmases to come. There is a certain poignancy about facing the loss of a parent, no matter what your age. Especially so if it has been a good relationship.
    Don't worry about venting, that's what we are here for.
    Originally posted by monnagran
    It was 8 years ago tomorrow that my mum died...

    I was concerned because "a bit of a bad knee" has escalated so quickly and they've kind of jumped to this diagnosis because "it's unlikely to be anything else". But, I know you shouldn't Google , but I have and I can kind of see where they're coming from but I am going to try to push for more tests...

    Thanks all. MMF so sorry...
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • Floss
    • By Floss 5th Dec 17, 10:12 PM
    • 4,084 Posts
    • 33,624 Thanks
    Floss
    I know from experience thru both parents that they don't always state the extent of any discomfort, because of differing pain thresholds and / or to shield loved ones from the knowledge that they are uncomfortable, particularly in front of children.

    MMF your thoughts of reinforcing your (and others) love to your dad are inspired xx

    VJsmum talk with your dad's doctors about confirming thrir thoughts - it may be easier on your dad to have scans / a less invasive way to reach a prognosis.
    • MMF007
    • By MMF007 5th Dec 17, 10:22 PM
    • 1,027 Posts
    • 23,157 Thanks
    MMF007
    MMF - you just need to remember that this is his coping mechanism (and remind your mum of that too). But it might be worth having a chat with him - maybe talk to him about how much he has meant to you and what he has done for you and then remind him that now is his time to say his goodbyes while he can and talk to his family about what they have meant to him... and if necessary point out to him that he needs to let your mum know she is appreciated and leave her with positive memories.

    I overhead my dad's last conversation with my mum, and it was lovely. He knew it would probably be the last (although she and I were probably both still in denial) so made the effort to make sure it was a good one. We spent his last few days making sure he knew how much he was appreciated as people often start to question what they have achieved in life when they are getting to the end.
    Originally posted by greenbee
    You are right and I know he is trying to cope with a horrendous situation. I have suggested he thanks mum for everything she has always done for him but i think he sees that as a sign of weakness (admitting that he has been looked after!) and as my brother said, it is not his way.
    My brother and I have both spent ages reminiscing with dad about funny memories of times we've all had together and have said our thank you for everything he has done for us over the years.
    I shall visit him tomorrow and carry on being patient and trying my level best to make his final days as comfy as possible. I have to accept that he is not going to change now and that i have to be strong for my mum's sake. Yes, i do feel guilty for moaning when it's he who is dying, but I am so worried about mum.
    I have changed my work-life balance to a life-work balance.
    • MMF007
    • By MMF007 5th Dec 17, 10:28 PM
    • 1,027 Posts
    • 23,157 Thanks
    MMF007
    I know from experience thru both parents that they don't always state the extent of any discomfort, because of differing pain thresholds and / or to shield loved ones from the knowledge that they are uncomfortable, particularly in front of children.

    MMF your thoughts of reinforcing your (and others) love to your dad are inspired xx

    VJsmum talk with your dad's doctors about confirming thrir thoughts - it may be easier on your dad to have scans / a less invasive way to reach a prognosis.
    Originally posted by Floss
    I think the inspiration about reinforcing the love was from greenbee, not me. I'm having a bad day and have just whinged, even though others are in a far worse position than me. I do apologise. It is self-pity and I will get over it.
    I have changed my work-life balance to a life-work balance.
    • Floss
    • By Floss 5th Dec 17, 10:43 PM
    • 4,084 Posts
    • 33,624 Thanks
    Floss
    MMF rant away and VJsmum too. It is a really challenging time that you are both going through and there is aleays an impartial place for your wirds & thoughts here xxx
    • shanks77
    • By shanks77 6th Dec 17, 4:39 AM
    • 1,058 Posts
    • 9,668 Thanks
    shanks77
    Sending hugs to MMF and VJMum xx
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