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Results: Should I be expected to pay for things for my partners house that we share?

Yes, as I live there too

86.36% • 38 votes

Yes, but only if she puts your name in the title deeds

2.27% • 1 votes

No, not if she agrees to pay you back if you split

6.82% • 3 votes

No, it's her house why should you pay for her to profit

15.91% • 7 votes

You may not vote on this poll

44 votes in total.

  • FIRST POST
    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 13th Jul 17, 8:52 PM
    • 11Posts
    • 0Thanks
    koumas1
    Home Ownership / Partner's Rights
    • #1
    • 13th Jul 17, 8:52 PM
    Home Ownership / Partner's Rights 13th Jul 17 at 8:52 PM
    I have been with my partner for 4 years now, since we first met working abroad. We quit our jobs and returned to the UK with the aim of settling down and getting our own place. In order to help us afford a home we moved in with my partners parents as this was the only way we could realistically save money to find a place.
    My partner is very much financially driven and will often go without any luxuries in order to achieve a financial aim, often to my annoyance that she won't treat us to nights out etc because she doesn't want to waste money etc. I on the other hand like to enjoy life now as well as plan for the future and feel we deserve to enjoy life whilst we can and as a result my savings or contributions towards the house has hardly increased in the past 4 years.
    My partner's parents have been kind enough to look after us for 2 years but I want a space of our own and a place to call ours, I have been very pushy towards this as my partner would rather save more money towards the deposit but I think we need a house now - she had save £100k (which is more than enough).
    My partner has since purchased a house using the £100k she saved but wouldn't put my name on the house as I haven't been able to contribute anything towards the deposit. I want to have my name on the house and I have told her that I do not feel like this house is ours as it is in her name - it's her house.
    She has reassured me that it is our house and that it will always be considered as such. We are now in a position where there are various things that need to be done to renovate the home such as a complete new bathroom and the lounge and bedrooms need a modest over haul too. We still need a new TV, washing machine, cooker etc.
    My partner has asked me to help with paying for some of the work that will need to be done which will go into about £3,000 for all the work that will need to be done.
    I don't want to pay anything towards the house because although we have been together for 4 years if we were to split then I wouldn't have any of that money. My partner has also asked that if I can't pay for refurbishments if I could buy things like the telly or washing machine etc but again I don't want to buy these as I would have no way to keep such big items as I would have to move back to my parents or somewhere else if we split.
    I have told her that I will pay for things for the house but only if she puts my name on the house, otherwise I think it's unfair for her to expect me to pay for anything as I will have nothing to show for it if we split. Her reasons for not putting my name on the house is that she doesn't feel financially secure with putting my name on the house because my financial spending is more spontaneous than hers and because in the 4 years I haven't been able to make any savings.
    I think she is being unreasonable expecting me to pay for upgrades to the house or big ticket items as I will lose out. I will be happy to share our bills equally but if she wants to make lavish upgrades or posh items such as TV's etc she shouldn't expect me to pay for them.
    What do you think? Is she being unreasonable?
Page 2
    • Pdbaggett
    • By Pdbaggett 14th Jul 17, 11:19 AM
    • 17 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Pdbaggett
    You are lucky she hasn't just broke up with you. You strike me as selfish, whiny and self entitled. In all those years what did you actually spend your money on whilst she was saving? Clothes, cars, toys ect I find it shocking that she manages to save 100k and you saves zero. You are lucky she actually let's you live rent free and allowed you into her home.
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 14th Jul 17, 11:34 AM
    • 10,776 Posts
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    Pixie5740
    If you're not a joint owner it's not reasonable to expect you to pay for refurbishments such as a new bathroom.

    I can see why she doesn't want you as a joint owner. What on Earth do you spend all your money on? She could have jointly purchased the property with you using a declaration of trust to protect her deposit meaning you would have to contribute towards the mortgage payments. However, if I were in her shoes alarm bells would have been ringing that whilst living with her parents you managed to save diddly squat. You say having your own space was important to you but not important enough to prioritise saving a deposit over your other wants. It would be a different matter if you had been a stay-at-home parent and therefore unable to save but were still making a valuable contribution towards the household but that doesn't appear to be the case.
    Last edited by Pixie5740; 14-07-2017 at 11:45 AM.
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • oystercatcher
    • By oystercatcher 14th Jul 17, 11:36 AM
    • 1,675 Posts
    • 4,236 Thanks
    oystercatcher
    So what have you contributed to the relationship OP ? It sounds very one sided to me . Do you work? Who earns the most ? Do you buy anything for your partner ? Sounds to me that you are a !!!!!!!!!!.
    • paddycharlie
    • By paddycharlie 14th Jul 17, 12:21 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    paddycharlie
    This has to be a troll.


    If it is real the girlfriend should be getting a sainthood for putting up with such a selfish !!!!
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jul 17, 12:53 PM
    • 9,356 Posts
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    hazyjo
    It makes no sense. Do you earn considerably less? How much do you each earn? Did you pay her parents rent for those two years?

    Also suspecting a troll post due to the replies the OP has come back with.
    Sounds like you want a mum/someone to support you rather than to be in a relationship. That might work if you weren't spending your money selfishly. Sounds like she's accepting the role of mum, but is now treating you like a child - which is fair enough really.

    As above, don't split the cost of things. You buy one thing, she buys another. If you split, you take what you bought (TV? Fridge? Microwave? Whatever!).
    Agree she deserves a sainthood.

    Jx
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jul 17, 1:39 PM
    • 1,510 Posts
    • 4,087 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    It's sounds like your attitudes to money are do different you may as well call it a day now, because it can't last long term.

    I'm guessing that while she was saving you were paying for all your meals out, holidays, gifts etc?

    A stingy saver and a casual spender shouldn't really live together without a very clear agreement on finances that they both agree to and feel is fair.

    Walk away. Best for both of you.
    • davemorton
    • By davemorton 14th Jul 17, 2:00 PM
    • 25,773 Posts
    • 301,798 Thanks
    davemorton
    Of course you should not pay for her new bathroom...She should just start charging you rent and she will manage to build up the money for a new bathroom in no time at all.
    Im a board guide on Pie Making Moneysaving. I'm a volunteer to help the pie production & consumption run smoothly. I can help merge tastes and fillings. Any pies made are mine & are not those of other Moneysavingexperts. Im a board guide not a qualified baker and as such do not make every type of pie. If you spot a quiche or flan please report it.
    • saajan_12
    • By saajan_12 14th Jul 17, 2:13 PM
    • 665 Posts
    • 428 Thanks
    saajan_12
    I think there are two fair ways (say the house is 200k)

    Option 1: Split mortgage in half
    Partner’s share is 100k deposit (50%) + half of mortgaged portion (25%) = 75%.
    OP’s share is 0k deposit (0%) + half of mortgage portion (25%) = 25%.
    -> If you sell, you get those portions of the sale price, and from your respective shares you each pay half of the outstanding mortgage balance off. House should be in both names as tenants in common (registered with partner owns 75%, OP 25%)
    -> Split 50/50: All mortgage payments, utility bills, regular repairs, purchase of furniture, TVs, white goods

    Option 2: Partner owns house, split living costs
    -> Partner pays: Capital repayments to mortgage, and capital improvements to house (i.e. which would add value to house like an extension)
    -> Split 50/50: Mortgage interest (this is the cost of living in the house, like rent it is ‘lost’), utility bills, repairs (i.e. short term due to wear & tear), purchase of furniture, TVs, white goods etc.

    In both cases, work out the 2nd hand value of any furniture etc bought jointly and the person who doesn’t keep it gets 50% of the second hand value. This is fair because then you both suffer the depreciation.. TVs, white goods etc don’t last forever.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jul 17, 2:14 PM
    • 28,005 Posts
    • 71,199 Thanks
    Mojisola
    I should be a homeowner, we should share things
    Originally posted by koumas1
    Is it fair that she should share the house bought with her savings with you whereas you haven't shared with her the money you have spent "enjoying life"?
    Last edited by Mojisola; 14-07-2017 at 4:19 PM.
    • Lurkingtoposting17
    • By Lurkingtoposting17 14th Jul 17, 2:24 PM
    • 58 Posts
    • 45 Thanks
    Lurkingtoposting17

    You do come over as a bit of a whining financial liability who doesn't share her vision/aspirations though ... which is probably why she's got it all in her name as she's not entirely sure she can depend on you.

    But, I bet, dipping your hand in your pocket will send a good message to her that you DO want to be part of the journey and not just as a passenger and you'll build some trust in the eyes of your long-suffering, financially aware, hard working, responsible partner
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    This.



    I don't want to put you down, as I get you want to balance lifestyle and security. We all do. But apparently your balance was not bringing anything to the table in two years, whilst she has proven herself to be able to provide without your assistance. Unless there is massive disparity in your incomes, you should have been able to offer a small portion of the deposit having been lucky enough to stay with her family for two years.

    As a single female, currently buying her own home, if I was in your partners shoes I would likely not be as understanding. You absolutely cannot expect her to put your name on the mortgage if you have contributed zero (my darling parents and grandparents have told me, I am to, under no circumstances, put anyone elses name on my mortgage even if they financially contribute, I am sure her family may have advised her similarly.)

    Asking you to pay for white goods/electricals which you can sell/take with you, should you leave, seems more than reasonable as you don't even pay rent to live in her home. If you expect more, and want more, I suggest you work hard and save, and prove you are capable of being financially responsible and not just expecting her to support you.

    However, if you want the lifestyle, accept not owning a home and provide that for you and her. Pay for the meals/holidays etc that you believe you both deserve and understand it is YOUR choice to not have made yourself more financially secure by saving so that you can have a lifestyle.

    Trade offs we all have to make.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 14th Jul 17, 2:51 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 434 Thanks
    leespot
    You're not entitled to anything out of the house. If you want to feel like you own something, then save up and show her you are serious and buy somewhere together.

    How you can sit back and watch her save 100k whilst you do nothing to help is beyond me.
    • saajan_12
    • By saajan_12 14th Jul 17, 5:10 PM
    • 665 Posts
    • 428 Thanks
    saajan_12
    I don't want to pay anything towards the house because although we have been together for 4 years if we were to split then I wouldn't have any of that money. .. I don't want to buy these as I would have no way to keep such big items as I would have to move back to my parents or somewhere else if we split.
    Originally posted by koumas1
    So you don't want to pay for / contribute to things like the TV, refurbishments, that you can't keep or retain the benefit. ie you buy a TV, you expect to keep the TV.

    I don't want to be deemed/treated/thought of as a lodger, tenant or whatever - I should be a homeowner, we should share things and without my name on the house it just will never feel like it's my home, it will always be hers.
    Originally posted by koumas1
    So you want to live in and end up keeping a share of a house that your partner entirely paid for?

    Sounds very fair.
    • saajan_12
    • By saajan_12 14th Jul 17, 5:48 PM
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    • 428 Thanks
    saajan_12
    Stop thinking about what you're owed and think of your contributions. She doesn't owe you anything financially.
    Thanks for the majority of the rational answers so far.
    I don't want to be deemed/treated/thought of as a lodger, tenant or whatever - I should be a homeowner, we should share things and without my name on the house it just will never feel like it's my home, it will always be hers. - and so it should,
    people that buy houses are homeowners. People that live with homeowners for free are guests/lodgers.


    Her point is that if we were both to have rented - we would both have to share the rent cost, the bills etc equally and if we did buy stuff for the place like TV's etc or if we were to do any redecorating or improvements to the place - then again those "upgrades" would be costs we both share and we wouldn't get a share of the landlords place when we left and the TV we buy etc wouldnt be worth a lot if we had to sell it.- I agree, those are't really upgrades, they are there to make the house nicer for you both to live in and wouldn't really add to the value of the house. Redecorating, TVs etc have a limited lifespan, they are not long lasting improvements.

    The reason I haven't saved is that it didn't feel like this house was going to come anything soon. It's took 2 and half years to get to this point since we've been back in the UK and it just didn't feel like it was ever going to happen.
    a. you said that you haven't saved because you were spending on "enjoying life"
    b. If you thought it wouldn't happen, you were wrong. Your partner clearly did it by herself so it can happen, could have been faster with you on board.
    c. Most people have to save the extra after paying rent/bills. You haven't been paying anything for your own accomodation, and still managed to spend all your income. With no dependants, that sounds reckless overspending.


    I know I would save now and be more careful with money if I were and owner too cus it would be my house and I would want to look after and care for it etc - but as it's hers and just don't see why I should bare all the risk.- what risk? you would be living rent free, paying for minimal costs of appliances, likely less than a month's rent. If you split, you'd already be better than you started, just might end up having to pay your own way.
    For those those who think this is a wind up or should be on Jeremy Kyle or something I am sorry and we are both not the stereotypical type of couple one would presume to be on such a show - this is a genuine issue that I am tryical to sensibly resolve - thank you to all who have been so kind to write a reasoned response!!!
    Originally posted by koumas1
    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 14th Jul 17, 6:36 PM
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    koumas1
    Thanks everyone.
    It has never been the case that I don't want to contribute - I just couldn't see the house ever being bought in the immediate future. My partner took a very long time (years in fact) in choosing a house and it felt ages until it was "the right time" and therefore (maybe I shouldn't I accept that) I just thought what's the point not enjoying myself now whilst I can.
    My partner earns more than me so can save a lot quicker than I can and I did try and started saving but I lost hope waiting and waiting (again I accept maybe this wasn't a clever thing to do).
    So from what I gather - a sensible compromise would be for me to generate a sensible amount of savings or to contribute to the house now and later be put on the house and/or mortgage to reflect what I will have contributed to the house???
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 14th Jul 17, 6:46 PM
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    • 14,894 Thanks
    Pixie5740
    Thanks everyone.
    It has never been the case that I don't want to contribute - I just couldn't see the house ever being bought in the immediate future. My partner took a very long time (years in fact) in choosing a house and it felt ages until it was "the right time" and therefore (maybe I shouldn't I accept that) I just thought what's the point not enjoying myself now whilst I can.
    My partner earns more than me so can save a lot quicker than I can and I did try and started saving but I lost hope waiting and waiting (again I accept maybe this wasn't a clever thing to do).
    So from what I gather - a sensible compromise would be for me to generate a sensible amount of savings or to contribute to the house now and later be put on the house and/or mortgage to reflect what I will have contributed to the house???
    Originally posted by koumas1
    Are you two really suited? You each seem to have very different views about money.

    Why was it solely down to your partner to decide when to buy a house and which house to buy? Was it purely because you had saved naff all or did you alway feels completely excluded from the decisions even before you decided to spend rather than save? I don't really get your logic, wanting to buy somewhere but not doing anything about it.

    In your shoes I wouldn't contribute towards anything you couldn't take with you if it all went down the pooper. If she wants a new bathroom, kitchen, whatever then she should pay for it because it's her house. You should start saving, at least half of what the mortgage payments are, with a view to getting a joint mortgage at some point in the future. Have you ever owned property before? Would you be eligible for a Help to Buy ISA or a Lifetime ISA to help boost your savings?
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • gingercordial
    • By gingercordial 14th Jul 17, 7:05 PM
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    gingercordial
    I just couldn't see the house ever being bought in the immediate future...

    My partner took a very long time (years in fact) in choosing a house and it felt ages until it was "the right time" and therefore (maybe I shouldn't I accept that) I just thought what's the point not enjoying myself now whilst I can...

    I lost hope waiting and waiting...
    Originally posted by koumas1
    OK, but you're now living in the house. The house-buying has happened. In fact, buying a house doesn't happen overnight, so there must have been some point where she'd picked one, made an offer, exchanged, booked the removals van, completed, moved in... At any of those points didn't it occur to you that this was really happening and maybe you should start trying to contribute? But instead you deliberately chose not to support your partner in this, and have still not managed to save anything, and, worse, are actually whining about being asked to contribute to the TV! You come across as deeply entitled, pouting that you can't get a slice of what someone else has worked hard for whilst you just watched.

    Do you know the fable about the grasshopper and the ant? Here's one version, in case looking it up is too much effort: http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/AntGra.shtml

    No, I wouldn't be putting you on the deeds yet either. You'd need to show a serious change of attitude to money. I'd want you to contribute to things with good grace and also save up a chunk of money first, say for a year, which we could then use to pay off some of the mortgage at the same time as adding you to the deeds. And I'd be wanting a declaration of trust as to the proportions.
    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 14th Jul 17, 7:19 PM
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    koumas1
    I like to think we are suited and we haven't really had any difficulties until now, we have been together for 4 and half years now, so it's not just some half shot idea. My partner is very savvy with money and well has been very choosy about what fits the bill! She wanted to find "the perfect home" (which doesn't exist) but somewhere great for work, in a good catchment area - good schools etc - this is to be our home for a while if not life - I on the other hand would have been happy with anywhere just as long as it was ours - I didn't care. To her credit she has found a nice house - good price etc etc but I just got sick and tired of waiting because it just seemed like nothing was ever going to be the right house.
    My point is I'm prepared to contribute and pay my way if I have some security - her point is that I haven't provided her with any security in 4 years and she does want to risk her financial security should I not pay my half of the bargain - she would rather know that the mortgage etc is paid cus she's paying it and that my financial spending will never compromise the house.
    She sees if that if she's refitting the bathroom (which must be done) redecorating the lounges, bedrooms etc then she has paid for it that for me to benefit too and if in 5,6,7 years or whatever we did split then that bathroom the lounge etc won't hold any material value to the house - abit like a car loses its value and depreciates over time!
    If we split in a year or two I would lose that money - but she reckons that I'm not losing money because in those years I will have benefitted from the enjoyment of that bathroom etc. She compares it to a bit like how we enjoy a hotel room - we would rather pay more for a 5* hotel so we can enjoy nicer things but we don't expect to become owners of the hotel when we leave. We pay the money to enjoy the nice room and not to own the nice room.
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 14th Jul 17, 7:33 PM
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    Pixie5740
    Why does the bathroom need to be refitted? Does the toilet not work or something? It's more like she would like a new bathroom. Why can't she just wait until you've sorted yourself out financially?
    Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen pounds nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds nought and six, result misery.
    • Fosterdog
    • By Fosterdog 14th Jul 17, 7:49 PM
    • 3,056 Posts
    • 5,308 Thanks
    Fosterdog
    Thanks everyone.
    It has never been the case that I don't want to contribute - I just couldn't see the house ever being bought in the immediate future. My partner took a very long time (years in fact) in choosing a house and it felt ages until it was "the right time" and therefore (maybe I shouldn't I accept that) I just thought what's the point not enjoying myself now whilst I can.
    My partner earns more than me so can save a lot quicker than I can and I did try and started saving but I lost hope waiting and waiting (again I accept maybe this wasn't a clever thing to do).
    So from what I gather - a sensible compromise would be for me to generate a sensible amount of savings or to contribute to the house now and later be put on the house and/or mortgage to reflect what I will have contributed to the house???
    Originally posted by koumas1
    How can you say it has taken a long time "years in fact" when you have only been together for four and a half years and only been back in the U.K. and looking to save and buy a house for two years? Two years is no time at all, even the house purchase would have taken 3-6 months so between 1/8 to 1/4 of the time you have been looking. What it really boils down to is you were not too bothered and were just ****ing your money away while she worked hard and saved. She has now bought a house which is hers and she wants to keep that secure and I really don't blame her for that. I can't quite believe that in the four years you've saved nothing, not enough to even slightly contribute to her buying even as just a 10% stake yet you want the house to be part yours.

    I also agree with her about improvements to a certain extent, you will also benefit from them, maybe not pay a huge amount in but a contribution would be reasonable. As would her suggestion of you buying some of the furniture and appliances, there's nothing to stop you taking them if you leave.

    It really does sound like you are being incredibly selfish and only seeing this in terms of what you are or should be "owed", have you actually considered it from her point of view at all? She has a feeloader living with her who is reluctant to help out with anything financially but wants to be added to the deeds of the house she has worked and saved for. She must be questioning your commitment to both her and the relationship, or questioning if she really wants to spend the rest of her life wth someone with the attitude you have shown on here.
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 14th Jul 17, 7:57 PM
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    pinkshoes
    You should be paying half the bills as you would have done this in a rental.

    As for contributing to the house, just get her to sign a receipt saying the amount you paid and what for, or at the very least pay her by bank transfer and keep a record yourself.

    That way, if you split up, you can ask her for a specific amount back!

    As she saved £100k and you saved nothing, I can see why she didn't want you on the deeds...

    Perhaps you need to prove to her that you can also save?

    Financial compatibility in a relationship is SO important, moreso than other things. Without this, the relationship is doomed...
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
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