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    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 13th Jul 17, 8:50 AM
    • 3,673Posts
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    mutley74
    Son to visit other parent advice pls
    • #1
    • 13th Jul 17, 8:50 AM
    Son to visit other parent advice pls 13th Jul 17 at 8:50 AM
    Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.


    His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.


    Thing is I was going to send him on the coach or train, but she wont give me any address where he will be staying. As I am PWC (full residency rights) do I have a right to ask for this? I feel if anything goes wrong I have the right to know where he is. (I have an idea of the city but not an address where she lives. Too far for me to drive down). She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!

    Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.

    Any help appreciated as ex is being un cooperative (as usual) and need to get this sorted out over next few days.
    Last edited by mutley74; 13-07-2017 at 8:54 AM.
Page 2
    • scd3scd4
    • By scd3scd4 13th Jul 17, 12:31 PM
    • 168 Posts
    • 189 Thanks
    scd3scd4
    I would want an address unless there is a real tangible reason why she can not give it. Only you know the answer to that.


    Why she or others think you have to pay for he's travel. I have no idea. Would I still pay for my boys sake...yes. But be careful your tolerance now............may encourage her to dictate more in the future.


    She has already proved to be dishonest and you need not do all the bending!


    Explain to your boy you are happy for him to go..........but things are not all on her terms unfortunately. She has been the absent parent not you.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 13th Jul 17, 1:08 PM
    • 14,932 Posts
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    Judi
    She has already proved to be dishonest and you need not do all the bending!
    This... please take the advice of the Social Workers.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • scd3scd4
    • By scd3scd4 13th Jul 17, 1:19 PM
    • 168 Posts
    • 189 Thanks
    scd3scd4
    This... please take the advice of the Social Workers.
    Originally posted by Judi



    I would not be leaving the sole responsibility of my child with strangers. They never make mistakes do they!? I also use my own discernment. Even more so with a person who has a history of lying.


    Getting profession advise also. Is taken as read. Or there would be no need for the OP to post here and anyone to comment.
    Last edited by scd3scd4; 13-07-2017 at 1:27 PM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Jul 17, 1:22 PM
    • 28,005 Posts
    • 71,199 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.

    His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him.

    Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.
    Originally posted by mutley74
    I think it would be normal when re-establishing a relationship with an absent parent that the meetings are just between the parent and child rather than the extended family in one go. Perhaps ask the social workers about this?

    Your son may accept the restrictions more easily if they are seen as coming from them.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 13th Jul 17, 1:26 PM
    • 754 Posts
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    chesky
    Are you going through the normal arguments and moodies with your son right now? If so, it's hard for you to put your foot down about things like having an address for him, without seeming like an ogre. Much muttering then ensues and the 'it's not fair' routine comes into play.

    I personally would want certain assurances, the main one being you know where he is. No address, no visit. But of course, as others have said, she may give you a false one.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 13th Jul 17, 1:31 PM
    • 578 Posts
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    badmemory
    How many on here would allow their 15 year old to stay overnight with a school friend with no idea of the address? That would likely be within walking distance. Well I wouldn't have done. The other side of the country - I think not. After her lying about the address last time I would expect to at least see an up to date utility bill.

    I'm just wondering if this is more about a teenage rebellion thing rather than an actual desire to see his mother.
    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 13th Jul 17, 1:43 PM
    • 3,673 Posts
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    mutley74

    I'm just wondering if this is more about a teenage rebellion thing rather than an actual desire to see his mother.
    Originally posted by badmemory

    possibly, his request shocked me, a request to spend a week or more with her, completely out of the blue, Although he did ask to spend a few weeks last summer holidays (and xmas hols) but she told him she had holiday plans with her new family already.
    I think he wants to see her, maybe another opportunity to catch up on life, relationship etc., but she is being difficult.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 13th Jul 17, 2:27 PM
    • 657 Posts
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    AylesburyDuck
    I'm afraid if he were my son he wouldnt be going,as it stands, i'd be staying completely honest with him about the why's and wherefores, however unless "proof" of an address was forthcoming, then it's basically a safety issue and the buck stops with you.
    It's a tricky age, but transparency is key here, if the woman is an utter nightmare like she sounds then if he see's all the facts of her attitude it may well change his mind.But he needs the facts, just the facts minus the emotion, or any influence on your part. Kids arnt stupid.
    Good luck, stick to your guns though, safety first.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 13th Jul 17, 2:37 PM
    • 1,087 Posts
    • 1,101 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I wouldn't let him go. No matter what happened between you and her, she needs to realise her sons safety and wellbeing comes first. The housing could be totally unsuitable ( shared with undesirable people) and what happens if you need to contact your son or other way around.
    If she has legitimate reasons, suggest speaking to her social service team and see if they can mediate or find a local support group or charity that can. He is a child and you are responsible for his welfare.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 13th Jul 17, 3:19 PM
    • 14,932 Posts
    • 60,455 Thanks
    Judi
    I would not be leaving the sole responsibility of my child with strangers. They never make mistakes do they!? I also use my own discernment. Even more so with a person who has a history of lying.
    Originally posted by scd3scd4
    Of course not, but in this instance they are right.

    I already have spoken to them, and they made it clear as he is under 18 I am fully responsible for his care as main carer. Therefore, need to know details of where he will be staying, and have the right to refuse if she does not cooperate.
    So it should be.

    If it was my child hell would freeze over before i let my child go on a trip to the unknown. It isnt as though you could get to him quickly if things go wrong.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 13th Jul 17, 3:46 PM
    • 1,385 Posts
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    Loz01
    Like someone else said, you wouldn't let him go to a friends house 250 miles away without knowing the address, so why would you let him go now? Yes she's the mother but you're the parent with care. What if theres an accident or huge problem and you have no idea where they actually are? How ridiculous of her.

    Cant you message her and say "I have no interest at all in coming to your house or knowing where you live, this is just a safety precaution as our son is under 18 and I should know where he is in case of emergency"
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • elsien
    • By elsien 13th Jul 17, 3:57 PM
    • 14,911 Posts
    • 37,243 Thanks
    elsien
    I do think you need to sort out the issues which are relevant now, and those that are less so.
    So, for example, needing to know where he is and the set up is one thing, but the mobile phone issue isn't relevant. I've yet to see anyone manage to stop a teenager sending texts. He just does it where she can't see him.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • takman
    • By takman 13th Jul 17, 4:02 PM
    • 2,486 Posts
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    takman
    If he really wants to see her then the best way would be to book a hotel for a couple of night nearby and drive him down there.

    He can then see her while you are there and you will be nearby in case there are any problems.

    Considering she won't give her address and that previous visits hadn't gone smoothly then simply sending him down by himself doesn't sound like a good idea.

    250 miles may take a good 5 hours each way but it's worth it to guarantee your sons safety while still allowing him to see his mother.
    • Rosemary7391
    • By Rosemary7391 13th Jul 17, 4:14 PM
    • 1,836 Posts
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    Rosemary7391
    If it helps, my mother still asks for the address where I'm staying if I go on holiday, especially outside the UK - and I'm 26! You definitely need it for a 15 year old so far from home - and it sounds like he isn't entirely comfortable with public transport yet (not wanting train changes?) so I wouldn't want him potentially having to figure out the route on the fly if he needs to. If she gives a false address though, surely son would notice as soon as he arrived - maybe give him instructions to turn round and come straight home if that's the case ? Or minimum to contact you with the correct address, although the previous refusal to allow him to contact home is concerning.
    Me escondo detras de mi lengua... tengo miedo de que me entiendas... pero me gustara que me entendases ¡Ayudame!
    • Cheeseface
    • By Cheeseface 13th Jul 17, 4:35 PM
    • 119 Posts
    • 358 Thanks
    Cheeseface
    Did you sort out a holiday with your son? Could this be the opportunity you need to get him away from games console?

    Use the time you were going to take for a holiday and spend the time in a hotel/apartment near his mother. He can spend a few hours, building up to days and nights with her, knowing you are there close by.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 13th Jul 17, 5:12 PM
    • 15,713 Posts
    • 39,330 Thanks
    FBaby
    The issue is what are you going to do now? She's refused, so are you going to turn around and say to your son that even though she has now agreed to see him, you are not going to let him?

    How will he take it? Will it be just a case of 'yeah, never mind, I'm not too bothered' going back to his normal life, or is he going to be angry with you, then move on, or is he likely to hold it against you, and maybe even worse, go anyway?

    What happens if he tells her that you are preventing him and she send him the money to go?

    I think you need to thread carefully as you could become the baddy very quickly. Personally, as long as I knew DS had a phone and trusted him to use it, I would let him go. If you suddenly can't get in touch with him, there will be ways to find the address quickly anyway.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 13th Jul 17, 6:09 PM
    • 1,725 Posts
    • 3,080 Thanks
    swingaloo
    There is no logic to her withholding the address. Your son is 15 and the minute he arrives at her house the address is no longer a secret.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 13th Jul 17, 6:47 PM
    • 15,743 Posts
    • 40,125 Thanks
    balletshoes
    Son has live with me for 11 years, he is now aged 15.


    His mum lives a far away and does not keep much relationship with him. He has said he wants to see her during school holidays, and she messaged to say she is ready to see him again.


    Thing is I was going to send him on the coach or train, but she wont give me any address where he will be staying. As I am PWC (full residency rights) do I have a right to ask for this? I feel if anything goes wrong I have the right to know where he is. (I have an idea of the city but not an address where she lives. Too far for me to drive down). She also wont pay for 1/2 of his travel costs!

    Last time he went a few years back, he did not get on with her family, something happened and he was very upset. She did not support him at all then.

    Any help appreciated as ex is being un cooperative (as usual) and need to get this sorted out over next few days.
    Originally posted by mutley74
    I haven't read any other replies in this thread yet OP, so here are my initial thoughts -

    he's 15, he's your son, you are unsure about this whole idea, so you find out exactly where your son will be during the visit, and you take him there (or to a mutually agreed location, agreed between you and his mum). If his mum can't agree to these terms, he doesn't go (its a safety issue more than anything else). As your son wants this visit to happen, if you can afford the travel costs, pay for them, and don't expect/insist on his mum paying half or contributing - you're doing this for your son, not for her.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 13th Jul 17, 6:57 PM
    • 15,743 Posts
    • 40,125 Thanks
    balletshoes
    The issue is what are you going to do now? She's refused, so are you going to turn around and say to your son that even though she has now agreed to see him, you are not going to let him?

    How will he take it? Will it be just a case of 'yeah, never mind, I'm not too bothered' going back to his normal life, or is he going to be angry with you, then move on, or is he likely to hold it against you, and maybe even worse, go anyway?

    What happens if he tells her that you are preventing him and she send him the money to go?

    I think you need to thread carefully as you could become the baddy very quickly. Personally, as long as I knew DS had a phone and trusted him to use it, I would let him go.
    If you suddenly can't get in touch with him, there will be ways to find the address quickly anyway.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    how? and how quickly is quickly?
    • cte1111
    • By cte1111 13th Jul 17, 7:03 PM
    • 7,122 Posts
    • 373,384 Thanks
    cte1111
    I've been in a similar situation - my daughter is a teenager and hasn't seen her father for a couple of years. She does visit her Grandma (Dad's Mum) fairly regularly, which isn't always an easy negotiation but I do try my best to persevere, as my daughter loves seeing her Granny and I know the feeling is mutual.

    When my daughter is going to see them, I expect to know where she is staying and with whom. When her Granny met a new partner, we were told all about him and if there had been any issues with him, e.g. my daughter felt he wasn't nice to her, then I would have wanted assurances before my daughter went there again. (BTW He's a lovely man and they have now been happily married for quite a few years, so she's gained an extra person that loves her, which is nice.)

    My ex-partner's Mum has sometimes been unhelpful but I try to work with her - we used to sometimes meet them halfway, as they live some distance away. My daughter has recently started getting the train part of the way, it is a direct train so I take her to the station and they pick her up at the other end. This is easier for everyone but only works if you know 100% that the other person will be there to collect them.

    I do pay for my daughter's train fare, partly because it is relatively cheap but when they came to pick her up in the past, they paid for their petrol costs. If you can afford the fare, then try to grit your teeth and do so on this occasion. I know how hard it is, when the other partner has made no effort to keep in contact, but it is in your son's best interest to have some contact with them. Given that he has asked to see his Mum (who clearly does not deserve such a forgiving son) then I would try to make sure he can.

    I would not let my daughter go if I did not know where she was going to be, and could not contact her though. If her Granny plans to take her anywhere (they are going to the seaside in a couple of weeks time), she asks me first if this is OK and I always have a couple of contact numbers. It's good that that is the advice you have been given from Children's Services too, as this will help you explain the situation to your son. He will then hopefully understand that you are not being unreasonable, just looking out for him.
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