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    • Muscle750
    • By Muscle750 9th Jul 17, 9:27 PM
    • 888Posts
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    Muscle750
    Bank of mum and dad
    • #1
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:27 PM
    Bank of mum and dad 9th Jul 17 at 9:27 PM
    We have four grown up kids all left home, throu no fault of her own we went down to just one wage coming in due to ill health for a number of months which as a result ate all or the little we had in savings etc. Weve sailed pretty close to the wind on numerous occasions althou every bill is paid and we have no arrears on anything. Our youngest son borrowed some money now well over 18 months ago and has been always coming up with excuses about paying it back yet has just started. One daughter borrowed some also and has paid back some of it but stopped. Now the other son has asked to borrow some money as they are financially in the dire for a few months althou his wife has been left quite a significant amount of money which she should have by end of September. I can only do what i can do and i remember how my parents helped us out when we were in trouble. What has annoyed me thou is the fact that whilst one owed me money which they still do they managed to find the money for a expensive holiday in the tropics plus money for another expensive item. We cant afford a holiday or even a weekend break now and things will be very tight until the new year.

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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 19-07-2017 at 10:25 AM.
Page 2
    • Gilead
    • By Gilead 10th Jul 17, 1:17 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Gilead
    Inform the two who owe outstanding money that they have x months to repay it as you need it. See what they say and adjust the repayments accordingly. I would be absolutely livid if someone had pleaded poverty then booked a holiday - it would not be on and I would be making that point to them.

    You have done a very nice thing for them, and deserve the respect of having it repaid.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 10th Jul 17, 2:08 PM
    • 3,562 Posts
    • 6,105 Thanks
    avogadro
    Judge Rinder would 'tut tut'.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Judge Rinder's got nothing on this board

    OP it boils down to the fact that you simply can't afford it. It does seem unfair to penalise your other son for the wrongdoings of his brother and sister, but you're not in a position to be able to lend him money.

    Graham Norton in his agony uncle slot on the radio always advises to not lend money, - GIVE money, if you can afford to and you're happy to, but never lend or assume you'll ever get the money back. I am beginning to think that might be sound advice!
    • maman
    • By maman 10th Jul 17, 2:40 PM
    • 16,969 Posts
    • 101,500 Thanks
    maman

    Graham Norton in his agony uncle slot on the radio always advises to not lend money, - GIVE money, if you can afford to and you're happy to, but never lend or assume you'll ever get the money back. I am beginning to think that might be sound advice!
    Originally posted by avogadro
    Gifts and loans are very different beasts.

    One of the key elements of a loan are terms to make legally collectible and have termination conditions,

    Like if we(or you) die it is payable in full(ie. comes of their share of the estate).
    Like a min monthly payment and a max end date.
    Originally posted by getmore4less
    It seems I'm in accord with Graham Norton!

    I wouldn't lend but I would give.

    I have to agree that OP doesn't seem to be in a position to do either.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 10th Jul 17, 3:24 PM
    • 1,451 Posts
    • 3,163 Thanks
    Loz01
    Just say no to all of them - tell them you're sick and tired of doling out money, you can't afford it and they never pay you back so thats it. Bank is shut. If they want money they can get a loan or find a second job. Its not up to you to be a free cash point, even tho they are your kids.
    More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, is a true perversion - Harvey Milk
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 10th Jul 17, 4:53 PM
    • 1,075 Posts
    • 575 Thanks
    Archergirl
    Inform the two who owe outstanding money that they have x months to repay it as you need it. See what they say and adjust the repayments accordingly. I would be absolutely livid if someone had pleaded poverty then booked a holiday - it would not be on and I would be making that point to them.

    You have done a very nice thing for them, and deserve the respect of having it repaid.
    Originally posted by Gilead
    I totally agree with this, make sure you give the children????? a deadline by which you need the money to be paid, they are taking the p***
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 10th Jul 17, 5:49 PM
    • 1,296 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    I wouldn't lend money to anyone unless I didn't want or need it back because you can never be sure its going to come back. Maybe if your kids knew the severity of your situation they might restart the payments they owe?
    If you can't afford to lend again just say so. I'm sure your kids will understand and wouldn't want you to struggle just to make their lives easier.
    This post has made me think. I have borrowed so much from my parents. It was always for essentials, not luxuries or holidays but... I probably didn't have the money because I'd not budgeted well. I do feel guilty and feel the time has come for me to try and repay them. Maybe your kids are like me? A bit embarrassed and trying to avoid the subject?
    • Malcnascar
    • By Malcnascar 11th Jul 17, 1:30 PM
    • 1,172 Posts
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    Malcnascar
    What does each of your kids know about the loans you have made? If they arrangements are confidential then I think that it needs to remain that way.
    Your son asking for help deserves to be treated equally as his brother, sister, however, you can't lend what you don't have. His financial problem should not become your financial problem.
    If your family are aware of the loans then those that have not kept to their side of the deal need to be made aware of the consequences their actions are now having.

    For now, dont lend what you dont have, try to get back what you can and in the future dont be a lender, be a gifter. That way you only give what you know you dont need and have all of the pleasure in helping your family with none of the worry it will bite you back.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jul 17, 1:42 PM
    • 18,274 Posts
    • 46,756 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Just say no to all of them - tell them you're sick and tired of doling out money, you can't afford it and they never pay you back so thats it. Bank is shut. If they want money they can get a loan or find a second job. Its not up to you to be a free cash point, even tho they are your kids.
    Originally posted by Loz01
    But the OP has already said 'yes' to 2 of his children.

    I've never been in a position to need to borrow money but my sister is in a different financial position to me.

    I've never begrudged my parents lending her money (because the money is theirs and it's none of my business) but if I was financially 'in the dire' (to quote the OP) and had asked my parents to lend me some money (knowing that they had already loaned 2 of my siblings money) and was told 'no', I might well feel treated unfairly.

    I think this has the potential to create bad feeling throughout the family.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 11th Jul 17, 1:51 PM
    • 832 Posts
    • 1,181 Thanks
    chesky
    I'm very luckily in a position where I could lend my children (or grandchildren) money if they had problems. But I would make sure that all could be treated equally so I wouldn't leave myself in the situation where I couldn't help my son because his sister had 'got in first' or vice versa.
    And I most certainly would be on the warpath if they'd chosen to treat themselves to a holiday rather than repay me. Not that they would.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 11th Jul 17, 3:15 PM
    • 2,505 Posts
    • 6,097 Thanks
    ska lover
    id stop lending money to them OP, its time you looked after yourself a bit more x
    Blah blah blah.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jul 17, 3:39 PM
    • 28,502 Posts
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    Mojisola
    I've never begrudged my parents lending her money (because the money is theirs and it's none of my business) but if I was financially 'in the dire' (to quote the OP) and had asked my parents to lend me some money (knowing that they had already loaned 2 of my siblings money) and was told 'no', I might well feel treated unfairly.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Even if you knew your parents couldn't afford to give you a loan?
    • maman
    • By maman 11th Jul 17, 3:39 PM
    • 16,969 Posts
    • 101,500 Thanks
    maman
    But the OP has already said 'yes' to 2 of his children.

    I've never been in a position to need to borrow money but my sister is in a different financial position to me.

    I've never begrudged my parents lending her money (because the money is theirs and it's none of my business) but if I was financially 'in the dire' (to quote the OP) and had asked my parents to lend me some money (knowing that they had already loaned 2 of my siblings money) and was told 'no', I might well feel treated unfairly.

    I think this has the potential to create bad feeling throughout the family.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I agree and I think OP would too. Unfortunately this third child has asked at the 'wrong' time when OP is short of money exacerbated by the two siblings still owing from their loans.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jul 17, 7:37 PM
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    Pollycat
    Even if you knew your parents couldn't afford to give you a loan?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    I'm talking hypothetically.
    I've been very clear that I don't need (and never have needed a loan).

    A feeling of being treated unfairly is something the OP may have to face.
    I don't know his/her children (and I guess neither do you) so we have no idea how the child who's asked for a loan will take 'no' for an answer.

    That's why I said this may have the potential to create bad feeling in the family.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 11th Jul 17, 8:10 PM
    • 1,836 Posts
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    Robisere
    We have made loans to ds, dd, and two mature grandchildren, at various times. In each case we insisted upon a Standing Order of an agreed monthly amount, paid into our Joint account. There is just one outstanding S.O. but after talking it over together, we decided to gift the rest as a 21st birthday present: dgd has a smashing bf and they are talking about setting up home together.

    We would never lend money without asking for a repayment plan and without being absolutely certain that the borrower was finacially capable of repaying the loan. OH and I have been through tough times ourselves, OP and we know what it is like to be so broke that we actually did not know how we could keep the family fed and housed. Our kids both went through that time with us and understand that everything has to be paid for, because we told them everything at the time it was happening. Your mistake - and it's understandable - was in continuing to give when you no longer had the resources. Your family therefore does not appreciate that you have reached your financial limits. You have to get them together and make them see this.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • Loganberry1
    • By Loganberry1 18th Jul 17, 10:52 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Loganberry1
    They also have each other
    Personally I think you need to be honest, they obviously assume you have a nest egg. I would tell them all your personal situation, explaining birthdays and Christmases will be small and you can't afford to eat out let alone have a holiday. Then explain you are not able to help out but maybe they could support each other. Say you could really do with the money your other kids owe you back but you might be able to spare a bit of it ( only if you can) to help the other child out. Or if it is only to September perhaps suggest a 0% interest credit card.
    I am in my 40's but have absolutely no expectations my parents will help me out. They struggled when I was young due to recessions, they have worked hard and deserve to enjoy their own money. As a parent I think your job is financial education not a financial prop.
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 19th Jul 17, 8:25 AM
    • 1,075 Posts
    • 575 Thanks
    Archergirl
    Quite an old post now, I wonder what happened............
    • Muscle750
    • By Muscle750 20th Jul 17, 8:18 PM
    • 888 Posts
    • 270 Thanks
    Muscle750
    Still much the same weve had to lend our daughter some more money just so they can feed the kids what are we meant to do say No ? We cant afford even to do anything this year for our wedding anniversary let alone have a few days away. Many of our friends are going far and wide on holidays this year and have asked what are we doing and where are we going must admit catch me on a bad day and i think they might regret it ................not their fault i know but its a situation that has come about and theres not alot we can do about it. People in a far worse situation in their lives. I just hope the one that owes me the most keeps to their word and starts paying
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 20th Jul 17, 8:25 PM
    • 18,274 Posts
    • 46,756 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Still much the same weve had to lend our daughter some more money just so they can feed the kids what are we meant to do say No ? We cant afford even to do anything this year for our wedding anniversary let alone have a few days away. Many of our friends are going far and wide on holidays this year and have asked what are we doing and where are we going must admit catch me on a bad day and i think they might regret it ................not their fault i know but its a situation that has come about and theres not alot we can do about it. People in a far worse situation in their lives. I just hope the one that owes me the most keeps to their word and starts paying
    Originally posted by Muscle750
    So it was your son who asked to borrow money (to be paid back soon when his wife gets her inheritance) that started this thread but you've now had to lend to your daughter.

    What's happened to the money your son wanted to borrow?

    Do you really think your other son will start to pay you back?
    Is he aware of your financial situation?
    Has he agreed to pay a set sum every month?

    I wouldn't take it out on your friends if they ask about your holiday plans.
    It's not their fault that your children have put you in financial difficulties.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 20th Jul 17, 8:37 PM
    • 7,181 Posts
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    KxMx
    There is something you can do - stop giving.

    I'd have refused money and suggested the kids visit you for meals. Or done an online grocery shop and had that sent to them.

    Maybe that would have incentivised their parents to sort out their finances.

    They won't do that if you keep giving.

    I'm guessing you are satisfied the reason given was true, and your money did go on food?
    • Muscle750
    • By Muscle750 20th Jul 17, 8:42 PM
    • 888 Posts
    • 270 Thanks
    Muscle750
    yes it did go on food.
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