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    • triffle
    • By triffle 9th Jul 17, 5:22 PM
    • 15Posts
    • 5Thanks
    triffle
    breakup advice please
    • #1
    • 9th Jul 17, 5:22 PM
    breakup advice please 9th Jul 17 at 5:22 PM
    I have decided to split from my partner of 20+ years. Over this time he has had mental health issues and is heavily dependent on alcohol. Although he has never physically hurt me I have been verbally abused for many years and have finally found the strength to enough.

    My problem is that we have a mortgage together although he hasn't worked or contributed in about 10 years and received no benefits. I have paid for everything and supported him. He is saying he needs to get better before he'll move out. Can I force the issue? I am waiting on a solicitor appointment at the moment but has anyone else been through a similar situation and can offer some advice?
Page 1
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 9th Jul 17, 6:25 PM
    • 2,373 Posts
    • 2,275 Thanks
    cjdavies
    • #2
    • 9th Jul 17, 6:25 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Jul 17, 6:25 PM
    I believe If he is on the deeds, it's his house too and can stay there.
    • mademoiselle
    • By mademoiselle 9th Jul 17, 7:14 PM
    • 373 Posts
    • 1,202 Thanks
    mademoiselle
    • #3
    • 9th Jul 17, 7:14 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Jul 17, 7:14 PM
    Yes, as regards the house he may be entitled to a share - even a half share - but the freeloading, he is NOT.

    There is a solution, OP, but you will have to believe in it for it to work.

    If the relationship is dead YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

    That means: no buying food for him, no paying bills for him, no ANYTHING. And get a solicitor to send him a letter saying, unless he contributes half for utilities/rentals etc, legal action will be taken.

    Once the free bailouts stop, he will soon get his act together!

    If, and only if, you stop enabling his behaviour, you can have the proper conversation about selling the house and going your separate ways.

    Otherwise, prepare yourself for decades more of the same.

    I wish you well (having been there, done that)
    • triffle
    • By triffle 10th Jul 17, 1:58 AM
    • 15 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    triffle
    • #4
    • 10th Jul 17, 1:58 AM
    • #4
    • 10th Jul 17, 1:58 AM
    Thanks Mademoiselle. Good to see someone on the other side
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 10th Jul 17, 11:24 AM
    • 402 Posts
    • 1,014 Thanks
    davidwood123
    • #5
    • 10th Jul 17, 11:24 AM
    • #5
    • 10th Jul 17, 11:24 AM
    Yes, as regards the house he may be entitled to a share - even a half share - but the freeloading, he is NOT.

    There is a solution, OP, but you will have to believe in it for it to work.

    If the relationship is dead YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

    That means: no buying food for him, no paying bills for him, no ANYTHING. And get a solicitor to send him a letter saying, unless he contributes half for utilities/rentals etc, legal action will be taken.

    Once the free bailouts stop, he will soon get his act together!

    If, and only if, you stop enabling his behaviour, you can have the proper conversation about selling the house and going your separate ways.

    Otherwise, prepare yourself for decades more of the same.

    I wish you well (having been there, done that)
    Originally posted by mademoiselle
    Be careful with this advice OP. If you only pay for half of the bills your credit rating could take a hit because let's face it, he isn't going to contribute.

    I wonder if the sexes were reversed and the wife hadn't worked for years, would the same advice be given?
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 10th Jul 17, 11:40 AM
    • 14,478 Posts
    • 14,182 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 11:40 AM
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 11:40 AM
    Yes, as regards the house he may be entitled to a share - even a half share - but the freeloading, he is NOT.

    There is a solution, OP, but you will have to believe in it for it to work.

    If the relationship is dead YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

    That means: no buying food for him, no paying bills for him, no ANYTHING. And get a solicitor to send him a letter saying, unless he contributes half for utilities/rentals etc, legal action will be taken.

    Once the free bailouts stop, he will soon get his act together!

    If, and only if, you stop enabling his behaviour, you can have the proper conversation about selling the house and going your separate ways.

    Otherwise, prepare yourself for decades more of the same.

    I wish you well (having been there, done that)
    Originally posted by mademoiselle
    Just curious, what legal action?
    • triffle
    • By triffle 16th Jul 17, 9:47 AM
    • 15 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    triffle
    • #7
    • 16th Jul 17, 9:47 AM
    • #7
    • 16th Jul 17, 9:47 AM
    Having taken legal advice I was surprised to learn that as he hasn't contributed financially for around 10 years he isn't automatically entitled to anything. The solicitor suggested a token sum to help him get started elsewhere and encourage him to sign. They also advised to make sure it wasn't above the threshold so he would still be entitled to benefits.

    All a very sad situation but best for both of us in the long run hopefully.
    To anyone out there in the same situation, I wish you well and be strong.
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 16th Jul 17, 11:54 AM
    • 655 Posts
    • 1,488 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    • #8
    • 16th Jul 17, 11:54 AM
    • #8
    • 16th Jul 17, 11:54 AM
    Be careful with this advice OP. If you only pay for half of the bills your credit rating could take a hit because let's face it, he isn't going to contribute.

    I wonder if the sexes were reversed and the wife hadn't worked for years, would the same advice be given?
    Originally posted by davidwood123
    If the wife was a total layabout who did nothing, not even contributing to chores, upkeep of household or kids then i expect it would be the same advice., however, if the wife, didnt work, didnt collect benefits but had kept a super house, looked after the children and provided hot meals for the family then i expect she would treated in a manner as someone who had contributed towards house and its upkeep and helping maintain/ease spouses career.
    I think each case has to be looked at individually, whats right for one will certainly not be right for another.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 17th Jul 17, 4:25 PM
    • 5,661 Posts
    • 7,414 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    • #9
    • 17th Jul 17, 4:25 PM
    • #9
    • 17th Jul 17, 4:25 PM
    Are you married?
    Assuming as you describe him as you partner, that you are not, thne the starting point is waht it says on the deeds. The you own as joint tenants, he is entitled to 50% of the equity, unless you andhe agree a diferent proportion.

    However, if you can't agree, and went to court, you can invite a court to make a different finding - in effect, you would be asking a court to infer that there was, at some point, an express or implied agreement between the two of you that you would pay the mortgage ans at you would get a bigger share of the house as a result. It is not a foregone conclusion, but a court is entitled to look at how you have both acted.

    Ideally, of course you an he agree on terms - it may be that this would involve you paying him a lump sum large enough to over a deposit and 6 months rent up front, so he could establish himself in a rented property, and hopefully by the time the first 6 months are up he will either have sorted himself out with a job and or benefits claim, and will be able to pay rent, or he wont't, but by that time he is no loner your problem.

    as others have said, don't stop paying bills or mortgage in the mean time as this will impact on your credit record, but do stop paying for anything which is in his sole name.
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