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    • debsue
    • By debsue 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
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    debsue
    When is infidelity infidelity?
    • #1
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    When is infidelity infidelity? 7th Jul 17 at 9:05 AM
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
Page 4
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 10:55 PM
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    NeilCr
    In that case you live by your own standards and not anyone elses. Horses for courses an' all that.
    Originally posted by Judi
    Well indeed

    And, of course, not judging others is good too

    I came across this earlier. I think there is quite a bit in it (for some people obviously!)



    Marriage and flirting


    Healthy flirting in a marriage can help make the relationship stronger by infusing fun and spice. Flirting does not always have to be in the context of being sexual as it can be within the limits of marriage values. Healthy flirting outside marriage means having good interactions and conversations accompanied with harmless teasing but nothing physical. Flirting can also help know yourself, that how interesting and appealing you can be and you can bring your high spirits back home to your spouse which can put the zing back in your marriage. Getting to know someone, having good conversation and sharing a few laughs will only help you and your marriage.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 11:02 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Well indeed

    And, of course, not judging others is good too

    I came across this earlier. I think there is quite a bit in it (for some people obviously!)



    Marriage and flirting


    Healthy flirting in a marriage can help make the relationship stronger by infusing fun and spice. Flirting does not always have to be in the context of being sexual as it can be within the limits of marriage values. Healthy flirting outside marriage means having good interactions and conversations accompanied with harmless teasing but nothing physical. Flirting can also help know yourself, that how interesting and appealing you can be and you can bring your high spirits back home to your spouse which can put the zing back in your marriage. Getting to know someone, having good conversation and sharing a few laughs will only help you and your marriage.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Interesting but I still disagree. To me flirting is about finding the other person attractive and seeing if it's reciprocated which is inappropriate when married to someone else.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Jul 17, 11:08 PM
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    Judi
    Well indeed

    Flirting can also help know yourself, that how interesting and appealing you can be and you can bring your high spirits back home to your spouse which can put the zing back in your marriage. Getting to know someone, having good conversation and sharing a few laughs will only help you and your marriage.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    As long as I am content with the way I look and my man finds me appealing I couldn't care less what other men think of me. Maybe if I was dating it would be different.

    Having a good conversation and a few laughs doesn't mean your flirting. It means your just being friendly.. depending on the tone of the conversation of course.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 11:09 PM
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    NeilCr
    Interesting but I still disagree. To me flirting is about finding the other person attractive and seeing if it's reciprocated which is inappropriate when married to someone else.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    It would be boring if we all thought the same! No discussion boards for a start......

    As I said earlier the key words in Judi's definition were "playfully, without serious intention" That's how I see flirting, too.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Jul 17, 11:13 PM
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    Judi
    It would be boring if we all thought the same! No discussion boards for a start......

    As I said earlier the key words in Judi's definition were "playfully, without serious intention" That's how I see flirting, too.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    But what would happen if the person you were flirting with was attracted to you? You, who have fulfilled your 'needs' could have been said to have led them on.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 11:15 PM
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    Torry Quine
    But what would happen if the person you were flirting with was attracted to you? You, who have fulfilled your 'needs' could have been said to have led them on.
    Originally posted by Judi
    That's what I'm thinking too.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 11:20 PM
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    NeilCr
    As long as I am content with the way I look and my man finds me appealing I couldn't care less what other men think of me. Maybe if I was dating it would be different.

    Having a good conversation and a few laughs doesn't mean your flirting. It means your just being friendly.. depending on the tone of the conversation of course.
    Originally posted by Judi
    Sure - which is why I said there was something in it for some people.

    Personally, I like to be appealing to other people (and, of course, that is not only about physical attraction) and it's very nice when I strike up a good rapport with a woman. I do care what other women think of me - although there is only one who I want to be in a relationship with.

    But that's me and you have an alternative take on it. As you said earlier (I think) different strokes for different folks
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 11:51 PM
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    NeilCr
    But what would happen if the person you were flirting with was attracted to you? You, who have fulfilled your 'needs' could have been said to have led them on.
    Originally posted by Judi
    Not sure where fulfilling my needs comes into it but still.....

    In my experience (and I know a few expert flirts) the vast majority of people are pretty well attuned to what's going on. Most see it for what it is - a bit of harmless fun. I think also that flirts have generally got a very good sense of how the other person is reacting. It's sort of part of their DNA. You know not to go too far. Flirts do best with other flirts!

    I've seen a few "car crashes" over the years. The majority from people who just got it completely wrong. Some horrible misreading of signals (mostly by men!). They had little to do with flirting

    I'd be silly to say it could never happen, of course. If it did then you'd have to put your hands up and clear the air immediately. You can't stop being attracted to someone - nor someone being attracted to you (which happens without any flirting too). What you can control is how you act on that attraction
    • Anyicaleb
    • By Anyicaleb 9th Jul 17, 7:38 AM
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    Anyicaleb
    If the man is not bold enough to chat with the random woman when the wife is around means he has alot up his sleeves. There's no need beating around the bush, he's having an affair, or considering doing so. Period.
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 9th Jul 17, 7:54 AM
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    DUTR
    If the man is not bold enough to chat with the random woman when the wife is around means he has alot up his sleeves. There's no need beating around the bush, he's having an affair, or considering doing so. Period.
    Originally posted by Anyicaleb
    Not sure how you work that one out?
    Perhaps his wife is no longer fun to flirt with? That wouldn't be his fault surely? If he broached the subject then he would be deemed as controlling, if he just submitted and 'accepted' his wife is the best thing since sliced bread he'd be deemed a loser
    I guess he is enjoying his one life the best he knows how.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 9th Jul 17, 7:58 AM
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    seven-day-weekend
    It would be boring if we all thought the same! No discussion boards for a start......

    As I said earlier the key words in Judi's definition were "playfully, without serious intention" That's how I see flirting, too.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    But what if the person with whom you are flirting 'playfully, without serious intention' takes it seriously? Don't you think it is giving out wrong messages?
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 9th Jul 17, 8:01 AM
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    DUTR
    But what if the person with whom you are flirting 'playfully, without serious intention' takes it seriously? Don't you think it is giving out wrong messages?
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    You're assuming the other person maybe thinking the same as you do, where as they may not be.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 9th Jul 17, 8:32 AM
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    Judi
    Most of us go through periods of weakness and self doubt at times. The last thing we need at that point is someone playing around with our words and feelings.

    Open and honest, no playing games all the way for me. No insincerity wanted or appreciated.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Jul 17, 8:43 AM
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    NeilCr
    But what if the person with whom you are flirting 'playfully, without serious intention' takes it seriously? Don't you think it is giving out wrong messages?
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I've answered that, I think, in #68.

    In the end a lot of this (interesting) discussion seems to be about how serious flirting is and the intent behind it. Clearly I (and my circle of friends and acquaintances) have a different take on it than some of the other contributors to this thread. And that may well be because like attracts like. Even my non flirty friends have a smile when they see it going on!

    In all honesty I've never seen it go astray badly. No-one goes into it with any thought of anything happening with the person they are flirting with and we are pretty good at knowing where the line is. Others here would appear to be of the opinion that if you are flirting then in your mind there is something further planned.

    And some just don't like it - which as someone said earlier is all good if you have a similar minded partner. Not sure how it works if one of you has a different point of view and that's never really been answered. Nor how someone who doesn't like flirting reacts if they see what they perceive as their partner doing that very thing

    But - as long as people are happy there is no one right way or wrong way. For me the biggie in a relationship is trust. We trust each other and - as I said we are both flirty - it's not a problem for either of us

    I'd like to thank those who have responded to some of our comments. It's good to see things through other's eyes and it's been polite and friendly
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 9th Jul 17, 10:00 AM
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    Mojisola
    I came across this earlier. I think there is quite a bit in it (for some people obviously!)

    Marriage and flirting
    Healthy flirting in a marriage can help make the relationship stronger by infusing fun and spice. Flirting does not always have to be in the context of being sexual as it can be within the limits of marriage values. Healthy flirting outside marriage means having good interactions and conversations accompanied with harmless teasing but nothing physical. Flirting can also help know yourself, that how interesting and appealing you can be and you can bring your high spirits back home to your spouse which can put the zing back in your marriage. Getting to know someone, having good conversation and sharing a few laughs will only help you and your marriage.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    And the paragraph following that one -
    "Healthy flirting can be fun but it can be dangerous if you cross lines of decency or even break the ethics and values of marriage. Flirting can be detrimental to a strong relationship or marriage if:
    One gets into a physical relationship.
    Spends more quality time and finds emotional support in the person.
    Any sexual connotations in conversation."
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Jul 17, 10:03 AM
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    NeilCr
    Most of us go through periods of weakness and self doubt at times. The last thing we need at that point is someone playing around with our words and feelings.

    Open and honest, no playing games all the way for me. No insincerity wanted or appreciated.
    Originally posted by Judi
    Completely agree.

    But I also have big issues around controlling relationships including those where people don't do something for fear of their partner's reaction.

    I've had a recent case of this where I know a friend of mine really wants to come out with us - but, because her partner doesn't want to do it she won't be coming along
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Jul 17, 10:05 AM
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    • 965 Thanks
    NeilCr
    And the paragraph following that one -
    "Healthy flirting can be fun but it can be dangerous if you cross lines of decency or even break the ethics and values of marriage. Flirting can be detrimental to a strong relationship or marriage if:
    One gets into a physical relationship.
    Spends more quality time and finds emotional support in the person.
    Any sexual connotations in conversation."
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Of course - which is why it's important to know the boundaries, I quoted the first part because it conforms with how I see healthy flirting.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 9th Jul 17, 10:52 AM
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    justme111
    Completely agree.

    But I also have big issues around controlling relationships including those where people don't do something for fear of their partner's reaction.

    I've had a recent case of this where I know a friend of mine really wants to come out with us - but, because her partner doesn't want to do it she won't be coming along
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Your friend should not been doing things his partner wouldn't been happy with of she knew. Does not mean her stance is justified. Still whether she is justified or not is not the issue - anything one does that involves lies u omissions is not right. That's the best test to what is right and what is not. If her demands are not justified he should not been in a relationship with her.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 9th Jul 17, 10:59 AM
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    justme111
    Re first post - the name of the thread is not the question which is asked in the first post and both of them are different to commenting on what the female described in op said. She sa8d it was as bad as infidelity and she is entitled to her opinion specially as it likely meant " it hurts the same as if he was physically involved with the person". Wh8ch has nothing to do with definition of infidelity in the context of marriage.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Jul 17, 12:00 PM
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    NeilCr
    Your friend should not been doing things his partner wouldn't been happy with of she knew. Does not mean her stance is justified. Still whether she is justified or not is not the issue - anything one does that involves lies u omissions is not right. That's the best test to what is right and what is not. If her demands are not justified he should not been in a relationship with her.
    Originally posted by justme111
    Eh?

    He's fully aware of it. There are no lies or omissions. It's simply the case that they won't be coming because he doesn't want to - even though she would really like to be there. And we are talking about a birthday meal - nothing outrageous
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