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    • debsue
    • By debsue 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    • 449Posts
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    debsue
    When is infidelity infidelity?
    • #1
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    When is infidelity infidelity? 7th Jul 17 at 9:05 AM
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
Page 3
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 5:23 PM
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    NeilCr
    You can have a strong relationships and still have an issue with flirting.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Why?. Genuine question

    We are talking about "open" flirting not something behind your back
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-07-2017 at 5:26 PM.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Jul 17, 7:20 PM
    • 14,916 Posts
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    Judi
    Why?. Genuine question

    We are talking about "open" flirting not something behind your back
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Its disrespectful to your partner for one.

    disrespectful

    showing a lack of respect or courtesy; impolite.

    synonyms: discourteous, rude, impolite, uncivil, unmannerly, ill-mannered, bad-mannered, ungracious, irreverent, inconsiderate.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 8:18 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Why?. Genuine question

    We are talking about "open" flirting not something behind your back
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    That still doesn't make it right. If my husband were to flirt openly then I would be very annoyed and hurt.
    Its disrespectful to your partner for one.

    disrespectful

    showing a lack of respect or courtesy; impolite.

    synonyms: discourteous, rude, impolite, uncivil, unmannerly, ill-mannered, bad-mannered, ungracious, irreverent, inconsiderate.
    Originally posted by Judi
    I agree.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 8th Jul 17, 8:22 PM
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    IAmWales
    You can have a strong relationships and still have an issue with flirting.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    In which case you either have unadressed trust issues, or need to chill out a little.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 8:25 PM
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    Torry Quine
    In which case you either have unadressed trust issues, or need to chill out a little.
    Originally posted by IAmWales
    I have no trust issues. To me when you're in a relationship it's wrong to flirt with someone else.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 8:30 PM
    • 899 Posts
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    NeilCr
    Its disrespectful to your partner for one.

    disrespectful

    showing a lack of respect or courtesy; impolite.

    synonyms: discourteous, rude, impolite, uncivil, unmannerly, ill-mannered, bad-mannered, ungracious, irreverent, inconsiderate.
    Originally posted by Judi

    We can all play the definition game.

    Trust

    "Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other."

    My partner is a flirt. I trust her into the ground. If she's flirting openly with someone then I reckon she's happy and enjoying herself on a night out together. I know it's not going to go any further and I know we are going to be going home with each other

    We go out in a group. We split up and chat, dance etc with various people during the night. We touch base at times to make sure it's all going fine and to see if there is any interesting news. If I look up and see her talking animatedly to a bloke it doesn't bother me in the slightest - be that be someone from our group or someone she has randomly met.

    How does that work for those who have issues with their partners flirting?

    Really not having a go but trying to understand how it looks from the other side. Or is this just something that doesn't happen?. I fully recognise that different relationships work in different ways
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-07-2017 at 9:11 PM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Jul 17, 9:23 PM
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    Mojisola
    Why?. Genuine question

    We are talking about "open" flirting not something behind your back
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    It comes back to different people being happy with different things within their relationship.

    If both people are happy with any particular behaviour - such as flirting - that's fine for them.

    Others may not be - it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their relationship.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 9:29 PM
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    NeilCr
    It comes back to different people being happy with different things within their relationship.

    If both people are happy with any particular behaviour - such as flirting - that's fine for them.

    Others may not be - it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their relationship.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Totally agree - but that's where both are happy with a particular behaviour.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 9:33 PM
    • 16,895 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    We can all play the definition game.

    Trust

    "Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other."

    My partner is a flirt. I trust her into the ground. If she's flirting openly with someone then I reckon she's happy and enjoying herself on a night out together. I know it's not going to go any further and I know we are going to be going home with each other

    We go out in a group. We split up and chat, dance etc with various people during the night. We touch base at times to make sure it's all going fine and to see if there is any interesting news. If I look up and see her talking animatedly to a bloke it doesn't bother me in the slightest - be that be someone from our group or someone she has randomly met.

    How does that work for those who have issues with their partners flirting?

    Really not having a go but trying to understand how it looks from the other side. Or is this just something that doesn't happen?. I fully recognise that different relationships work in different ways
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Talking to someone is one thing, flirting is something else entirely. The scenario you talk of isn't something I recognise though, why go out together and then split up?
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 9:43 PM
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    NeilCr
    Talking to someone is one thing, flirting is something else entirely. The scenario you talk of isn't something I recognise though, why go out together and then split up?
    Originally posted by Torry Quine

    To spend time with other people. To catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while. To dance to music that your partner doesn't like. To meet new folks. To find out what one of your friends has been up to. To chat with the guys while she is doing the same with the girls. To actually spend time not in each other's pockets. To wander up to the bar and bump into an old friend etc etc

    Much harder to do if you are stuck like glue to your other half

    I don't recognise going out together in a group and spending the entire time with her. She'd hate it, too.

    And, talking to someone can be flirting.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-07-2017 at 9:58 PM.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 10:06 PM
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    Torry Quine
    To spend time with other people. To catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while. To dance to music that your partner doesn't like. To meet new folks. To find out what one of your friends has been up to. To chat with the guys while she is doing the same with the girls. To actually spend time not in each other's pockets. To wander up to the bar and bump into an old friend etc etc

    Much harder to do if you are stuck like glue to your other half

    I don't recognise going out together in a group and spending the entire time with her. She'd hate it, too.

    And, talking to someone can be flirting.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    If out in a group then the group would be spending time together. It seems strange to then go off and spend time away from them.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Jul 17, 10:15 PM
    • 27,956 Posts
    • 71,096 Thanks
    Mojisola
    And, talking to someone can be flirting.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Just talking isn't - can't be - flirting.

    There's an added element.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 10:21 PM
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    NeilCr
    If out in a group then the group would be spending time together. It seems strange to then go off and spend time away from them.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Yes. But within the group different people spend time with others. For example my best female friend is part of the group - we'll go off and have a good chinwag. My partner likes dancing more than me (though I am getting more confident) so she'll have a dance with one or two of the blokes ( or the women if the guys are at the bar). A few of us guys will nip up to the bar for a drink. Where we go we sometimes see friends/acquaintances not in the group so we'll natter to them

    Do you and your partner spend the whole evening together - not splitting up to talk to others - have a dance with someone else etc etc?

    I'm not saying we spend the whole evening apart but it is quite a lot of the time. We then have a really good catch up on the news, what happened, any gossip!
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 10:28 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Yes. But within the group different people spend time with others. For example my best female friend is part of the group - we'll go off and have a good chinwag. My partner likes dancing more than me (though I am getting more confident) so she'll have a dance with one or two of the blokes ( or the women if the guys are at the bar). A few of us guys will nip up to the bar for a drink. Where we go we sometimes see friends/acquaintances not in the group so we'll natter to them

    Do you and your partner spend the whole evening together - not splitting up to talk to others - have a dance with someone else etc etc?

    I'm not saying we spend the whole evening apart but it is quite a lot of the time. We then have a really good catch up on the news, what happened, any gossip!
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    As I said the group would stay together. Yes I'll catch up with others but not away from the group, if I want to speak to someone on our own we would meet up separate from a group outing.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Jul 17, 10:32 PM
    • 14,916 Posts
    • 60,310 Thanks
    Judi
    My partner is a flirt. I trust her into the ground. If she's flirting openly with someone then I reckon she's happy and enjoying herself on a night out together. I know it's not going to go any further and I know we are going to be going home with each other
    You can be happy and enjoying yourself without flirting.

    Why bother flirting if your not going to let it lead anywhere? What if the person your flirting with wants to take it further? You could then be assumed to have led them on.

    If your happy with your partner flirting then thats your choice.

    Flirting

    1. behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.
    "she began to tease him, flirting with other men in front of him"
    synonyms: trifle with, toy with, tease, lead on, philander with, dally with, make romantic advances to, court, woo, vamp
    Last edited by Judi; 08-07-2017 at 10:35 PM.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 10:40 PM
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    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    As I said the group would stay together. Yes I'll catch up with others but not away from the group, if I want to speak to someone on our own we would meet up separate from a group outing.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Sure is interesting how we are all different

    We'd all be in the same place but not together for much of the time. I guess it depends on the dynamic, how often you see each other, what you are doing etc etc. No one right way that's for sure!

    Would you and your partner dance with someone else for instance?
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 10:47 PM
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    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    You can be happy and enjoying yourself without flirting.

    Why bother flirting if your not going to let it lead anywhere? What if the person your flirting with wants to take it further? You could then be assumed to have led them on.

    If your happy with your partner flirting then thats your choice.

    Flirting

    1. behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions.
    "she began to tease him, flirting with other men in front of him"
    synonyms: trifle with, toy with, tease, lead on, philander with, dally with, make romantic advances to, court, woo, vamp
    Originally posted by Judi
    And the key words are "playfully rather than with serious intentions".

    Of course you can be happy without flirting. Wouldn't suggest otherwise. But some people are just natural flirts! And others just enjoy it. There doesn't have to be an end game, either.

    I prefer to live my life without having to have a definition for everything, to be honest.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 10:48 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Sure is interesting how we are all different

    We'd all be in the same place but not together for much of the time. I guess it depends on the dynamic, how often you see each other, what you are doing etc etc. No one right way that's for sure!

    Would you and your partner dance with someone else for instance?
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Hypothetical we would dance with others but come back to the group. He has two left feet and I have poor balance so don't dance.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Judi
    • By Judi 8th Jul 17, 10:49 PM
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    Judi
    I prefer to live my life without having to have a definition for everything, to be honest.
    In that case you live by your own standards and not anyone elses. Horses for courses an' all that.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 10:51 PM
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    NeilCr
    Hypothetical we would dance with others but come back to the group. He has two left feet and I have poor balance so don't dance.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I am with him with the two left feet! Both always seem to tread on her toes

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