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  • FIRST POST
    • debsue
    • By debsue 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    • 449Posts
    • 867Thanks
    debsue
    When is infidelity infidelity?
    • #1
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    When is infidelity infidelity? 7th Jul 17 at 9:05 AM
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
Page 2
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 7th Jul 17, 1:18 PM
    • 2,418 Posts
    • 2,355 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Facetiming when Wife is not there, I would say there is more to it.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 7th Jul 17, 1:23 PM
    • 3,159 Posts
    • 5,326 Thanks
    avogadro
    What actually is facetiming? Does it mean meeting up with her on the sly?
    • glentoran99
    • By glentoran99 7th Jul 17, 1:24 PM
    • 4,380 Posts
    • 3,280 Thanks
    glentoran99
    What actually is facetiming? Does it mean meeting up with her on the sly?
    Originally posted by avogadro


    Video Calling
    • Ronaldo Mconaldo
    • By Ronaldo Mconaldo 7th Jul 17, 1:46 PM
    • 4,912 Posts
    • 5,027 Thanks
    Ronaldo Mconaldo
    How many times has he gotten naked whilst Face Timing with this woman?
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 7th Jul 17, 1:53 PM
    • 919 Posts
    • 570 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    Does it matter if something bad, is more or less bad than something else ?

    GBH isn't tolerated, simply because murder is worse.
    • maman
    • By maman 7th Jul 17, 4:22 PM
    • 16,368 Posts
    • 97,845 Thanks
    maman
    Infidelity is in the eye of the person on the receiving end, If the wife finds it unacceptable then it is
    Originally posted by glentoran99

    Personally I don't think the definition matters. What's important to me is that she finds it unacceptable and he's getting something from the relationship with this woman that's missing in their marriage.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Jul 17, 4:24 PM
    • 899 Posts
    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    If it feels like an affair to the betrayed spouse then it's an affair.
    Originally posted by PeacefulWaters
    Nope

    If I go out for an after works drink with one of my female colleagues (completely innocent) and my partner (not that she would) decides that is somehow an affair - it isn't
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 7th Jul 17, 5:00 PM
    • 13,303 Posts
    • 25,343 Thanks
    onlyroz
    Nope

    If I go out for an after works drink with one of my female colleagues (completely innocent) and my partner (not that she would) decides that is somehow an affair - it isn't
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    But if you went out for an after works drink with a female colleague, but told your wife you'd gone out with a male colleague, then, innocent or not, it suggests that you know your partner wouldn't be happy about it.
    • maman
    • By maman 7th Jul 17, 5:05 PM
    • 16,368 Posts
    • 97,845 Thanks
    maman
    Nope

    If I go out for an after works drink with one of my female colleagues (completely innocent) and my partner (not that she would) decides that is somehow an affair - it isn't
    Originally posted by NeilCr

    I completely agree.


    But (just using your example), if you were out regularly having a drink with female colleagues and never socialised with your partner then I'd be asking questions about the relationship (with your partner that is). The colleagues would be providing fun and company and conversation that somehow she wasn't. That's what would worry me more than having a strict definition of an affair.
    • maman
    • By maman 7th Jul 17, 5:12 PM
    • 16,368 Posts
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    maman
    But if you went out for an after works drink with a female colleague, but told your wife you'd gone out with a male colleague, then, innocent or not, it suggests that you know your partner wouldn't be happy about it.
    Originally posted by onlyroz

    That comes back to my point abut problems in a relationship, if your partner was unhappy about you having a drink with a colleague of the opposite sex then it would worry me. The fact that instead of talking through her jealousy/insecurity you lied about it isn't helpful it just compounds the problem IMO.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 7th Jul 17, 5:18 PM
    • 27,956 Posts
    • 71,096 Thanks
    Mojisola
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while.

    She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home.
    Originally posted by debsue
    If I go out for an after works drink with one of my female colleagues (completely innocent) and my partner (not that she would) decides that is somehow an affair - it isn't
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    But the friend wasn't worried about her husband chatting with this woman - so it doesn't sound as if she's neurotic about other sex friendships - it's only since he's starting being more secretive that she's worried.

    Combine the secrecy with the move from messaging to facetime and I would be concerned as well.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Jul 17, 5:55 PM
    • 899 Posts
    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    I completely agree.


    But (just using your example), if you were out regularly having a drink with female colleagues and never socialised with your partner then I'd be asking questions about the relationship (with your partner that is). The colleagues would be providing fun and company and conversation that somehow she wasn't. That's what would worry me more than having a strict definition of an affair.
    Originally posted by maman
    Well indeed.

    I was challenging the proposition that if your partner thinks it is an affair then it is an affair
    Last edited by NeilCr; 07-07-2017 at 6:09 PM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 7th Jul 17, 8:17 PM
    • 29,178 Posts
    • 54,271 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
    Originally posted by debsue
    If she feels he has betrayed her, then yes.

    Some people do not mind flirting. I would feel betrayed.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • Judi
    • By Judi 7th Jul 17, 11:45 PM
    • 14,916 Posts
    • 60,310 Thanks
    Judi
    Some people do not mind flirting. I would feel betrayed.
    Yes me too.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 8th Jul 17, 1:52 AM
    • 919 Posts
    • 570 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    Many commanders of invading forces, would order the ships to be burned, so that the soldiers, having no means of escape, would fight harder to win.
    If a person is engaging in a back-up plan, or even just keeping their flirting skills honed ; it means they will be less committed to making their main relationship work.

    See also :
    "I have fallen in love many times, but always with you"
    and
    http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rupertholmes/escapethepiacoladasong.html
    • maman
    • By maman 8th Jul 17, 12:06 PM
    • 16,368 Posts
    • 97,845 Thanks
    maman
    That comes back to my point abut problems in a relationship, if your partner was unhappy about you having a drink with a colleague of the opposite sex then it would worry me. The fact that instead of talking through her jealousy/insecurity you lied about it isn't helpful it just compounds the problem IMO.
    Originally posted by maman
    Well indeed.

    I was challenging the proposition that if your partner thinks it is an affair then it is an affair
    Originally posted by NeilCr

    Many apologies Neil.


    I didn't intend to make my response personal, just to respond to your hypothetical proposition..
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 12:08 PM
    • 899 Posts
    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Many apologies Neil.


    I didn't intend to make my response personal, just to respond to your hypothetical proposition..
    Originally posted by maman
    No apologies necessary.

    It's an interesting discussion

    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 8th Jul 17, 12:28 PM
    • 10,844 Posts
    • 6,156 Thanks
    DUTR
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
    Originally posted by debsue
    How did the random woman appear on FB?
    If a new friend request pops up and there are no mutual friends then the request is denied by me.

    You say she knows they are messaging when she is not at home, so it sounds like they have between them more issues going down than some random contact on FB.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Jul 17, 4:42 PM
    • 899 Posts
    • 953 Thanks
    NeilCr
    But the friend wasn't worried about her husband chatting with this woman - so it doesn't sound as if she's neurotic about other sex friendships - it's only since he's starting being more secretive that she's worried.

    Combine the secrecy with the move from messaging to facetime and I would be concerned as well.
    Originally posted by Mojisola

    Well. First up I was commenting on the general assertion that "if your partner thinks it's an affair it is an affair". I don't agree with this "general assertion"

    In terms of the specific case I'd be interested to know how the person concerned found out what was happening. In particular how does she know it's flirting. Beyond that, yep if he's doing this (assuming it is flirting and not just general banter) then I fully agree that there is cause for concern about the relationship because it would appear to be behind her back. Most of my friends are female and my OH knows about them, when I am in contact with them (I don't mean micromanaging but I am open about what we are doing etc) etc etc.

    My OH and I are both flirts. We trust each other so it doesn't bother either of us. I do think if you have a strong, grounded relationship a bit of innocent flirting really shouldn't be an issue. Of course if you haven't got such a relationship it's different.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Jul 17, 5:20 PM
    • 16,895 Posts
    • 25,755 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Well. First up I was commenting on the general assertion that "if your partner thinks it's an affair it is an affair". I don't agree with this "general assertion"

    In terms of the specific case I'd be interested to know how the person concerned found out what was happening. In particular how does she know it's flirting. Beyond that, yep if he's doing this (assuming it is flirting and not just general banter) then I fully agree that there is cause for concern about the relationship because it would appear to be behind her back. Most of my friends are female and my OH knows about them, when I am in contact with them (I don't mean micromanaging but I am open about what we are doing etc) etc etc.

    My OH and I are both flirts. We trust each other so it doesn't bother either of us. I do think if you have a strong, grounded relationship a bit of innocent flirting really shouldn't be an issue. Of course if you haven't got such a relationship it's different.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    You can have a strong relationships and still have an issue with flirting.
    Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving . Albert Einstein.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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