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  • FIRST POST
    • tobeloy
    • By tobeloy 3rd Jul 17, 9:09 PM
    • 98Posts
    • 43Thanks
    tobeloy
    Separation Telling the children Yes / no
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 17, 9:09 PM
    Separation Telling the children Yes / no 3rd Jul 17 at 9:09 PM
    Hello

    Come here for a bit of support and opinion please. Me and my wife have separated, I was the one who initiated this, there was no affair etc it was a marriage that had run its course and no matter what I have tried for a year to resolve this it has not worked. We have been to counselling etc but are now parting amicably.

    It is hurting her more than me but we are amicable about it all. We have two children 2 and 5 yrs old, basically we are at an impasse with telling them, she wants to tell the oldest and I don't for now, we have various opinions from friends and family too but I have maintained all along its us that need to make the decision.

    I am moving out soon and will be living 10 minutes away, the wife is staying in the house we bought together and we are both paying the mortgage, I am paying support and the agreement we have is that I am welcome around to put the kids to bed, take to or pick up from school, pop in to see them etc providing I call before to check its ok.

    So its a good setup so far but my wife is adamant we should tell our 5 year old and I think we should not for now. He is a sensitive lad and he is very happy in school and at home and I do not see the benefit this would bring to him given that not very much is going to be different in his life at the moment.

    I say this as my job is very variable and both children have grown up and are used to the setup with my job, some mornings they will get up and I won't be there and sometimes they won't see me for a day or so just because of the hours I work. Both children know I am at the end of the phone and they accept that, both children are used to this and when I move out the situation is still going to be the same given the setup.

    The only difference is my clothes won't be in the house and some of my possessions but I seriously don't see our eldest noticing this, I will still be coming in to take him to school etc and this is what they are used to given my job and hours.

    My ex wife on the other hand wants to tell him and I think it will just cause major problems, questions and worry for our son, affected school life and concentartion, affected home life and blame etc...

    Its not that I don't want to tell him but I think now is not the time and if everything is going well and little is changing lets just see how it goes, if he asks then we will tell but if he goes a year or so with the new setup then its a case of casually talking about it as if there has been no major change when it does come out or if questions are asked.

    I went through a divorce when I was 5 and all I done was worry about both parents, especially my dad, I have experience and from what I remember it was a unhappy time for me with access etc.

    I love my kids, I want little disruption as possible for them and my ex wife just tells me we are lying to them, am I being selfish or sensible
Page 3
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 8th Jul 17, 5:35 PM
    • 221 Posts
    • 442 Thanks
    Aced2016
    Woah for a second there I thought I'd stumbled into mumsnet not MSE. So many bitter responses. Times have changed. People don't stay in unhappy marriages anymore for the sake of the kids. It doesn't do them any favours. Being around unhappy parents is not a nice experience

    Not sure if OP has responsed or not, I must have missed it in a sea of man haters but be honest with your boy. He'll work it out for himself anyway so better you're upfront about it than hear of from his upset mum. Things can so easily be said in the heat of the moment whilst she's still coming to terms with it
    Originally posted by LKRDN_Morgan
    Do you not think that's the problem in society though now ? Far to many people just end it, Infact I know numerous who didn't even last a year in marrisge. Sadly it's the lure of the hen and stag and the big party. It's actually a joke !! Then children are brought into it, then everyone's bored. Toddlers are hard, the wife isn't as fun as she used to be, she's too tired etc. The man doesn't help enough so then people decide that's enough. Whereas I think I have a husband who is loyal, who I love and although having 4 young kids and jobs is hard we will come out the other side. People do not try anymore ! Then within months the new mans moved in, the new girlsfriends introduced and so on.

    I appreciate there's circumstances where it can't be avoided such as violence or affairs among others. But it's just sad and frustrating how people don't work real hard to actually make their marriage work.
    • jayII
    • By jayII 8th Jul 17, 5:41 PM
    • 39,899 Posts
    • 106,346 Thanks
    jayII
    Woah for a second there I thought I'd stumbled into mumsnet not MSE. So many bitter responses. Times have changed. People don't stay in unhappy marriages anymore for the sake of the kids. It doesn't do them any favours. Being around unhappy parents is not a nice experience

    Not sure if OP has responsed or not, I must have missed it in a sea of man haters but be honest with your boy. He'll work it out for himself anyway so better you're upfront about it than hear of from his upset mum. Things can so easily be said in the heat of the moment whilst she's still coming to terms with it
    Originally posted by LKRDN_Morgan
    Lol, I'm not sure who you think are man haters, but I'd have responded the same if it was a woman posting the original post.

    Leaving a spouse (who is reluctant to separate) with two very young children and moving 10 minutes away, then popping in to see the children when you feel like it is bad enough, but add reluctance to share the burden of explaining why daddy/mummy isn't there like they used to be, is selfish behaviour. The parent who has been left with the children will already be hurting enough without the added burden of having to lie to potentially very confused children.

    I also read it that people (including me) only mentioned the ages of the children because it indicates a fairly short marriage and it's a shame to 'give up' so quickly. Children being involved doesn't mean they should 'stay together forever' but children are a good reason to try very hard to make things work.

    FYI, the OP said he is now considering telling his children the truth.
    Last edited by jayII; 08-07-2017 at 5:59 PM. Reason: clarification
    15.9.17. Balance: £10360.87/Mortg: £174,906.67

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    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 8th Jul 17, 5:45 PM
    • 1,729 Posts
    • 2,528 Thanks
    Robisere
    TBagpuss (#27) has the best advice here, completely agree with it.

    Many years ago I was in a similar situation , OP. But our break up was acrimonious and I still can recall with shame the tears of my 5 and 7 year olds as I walked down the path. I did not have the chance to tell my kids, it was forced upon me. I learned much later that they have no contact with mum and have thrown all my own efforts of contact back at me. If you want to keep the trust of your children, tell them calmly together and say something like 'mum and dad are still friends and will still be mum & dad, just not living together. But I will always be here for you both and you can see me and talk to me whenever you want.'

    Eventually I met someone else, with children about the same age as my first family. They have become a wonderful, unexpected ds and dd. However, both also became divorced single parents. DD's son is 24 and has not seen dad for many years. ds' 2 have not seen mum for longer.

    The problems all 4 of our grandchildren initially had, stem from the sudden break up and no one telling them what happened: it was left to granddad & grandma. Don't let that happen to your family. Can you not give it another go? You have so much to lose.

    Unless there is someone else on the horizon... Sorry if that is not the case, but you have not been a family for any reasonable length of time.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • LKRDN_Morgan
    • By LKRDN_Morgan 8th Jul 17, 6:14 PM
    • 273 Posts
    • 810 Thanks
    LKRDN_Morgan
    For some reason my phones not letting me quote but I don't agree the ages of the children reflect a fairly short marriage. They could have been together for 20 years before starting a family. It's so presumptuous to assume someone gets married and immediately pops out a family. It's not like that anymore. At least that's not an expectation anymore. Just like being out of a marriage is better for some than being miserable in one
    • chesky
    • By chesky 8th Jul 17, 8:00 PM
    • 780 Posts
    • 1,066 Thanks
    chesky
    I for one was not suggesting that he should stay with his wife if he'd decided to leave (she may be better off without him). No, I was merely string to answer his question, as were most people. And that was he should definitely tell his son, rather than leaving his wife with the problem.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 8th Jul 17, 8:01 PM
    • 780 Posts
    • 1,066 Thanks
    chesky
    Oops. TRYING to .. Not STRING.
    Useless predictive text.
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