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    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 18th Jun 17, 2:24 PM
    • 3,673Posts
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    mutley74
    Teens and holidays
    • #1
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:24 PM
    Teens and holidays 18th Jun 17 at 2:24 PM
    As a single parent with a teen (who is almost 16) not had any family holidays for 3 years. Basically son is not interested and rather stay in and play with games (Xbox) 24/7 during school holidays (in fact does not go anywhere with family he even avoided a family funeral because of gaming).

    Last month he say's he would be offered in an overseas trip and short UK break (finally!!). So I tell him he has to help with choosing a destination, what to see, do, places to stay etc. I even told him he can check out flights etc, and we can discuss and book together.

    My mum past few weeks says I am very unreasonable and should just go ahead and book a holiday. I tell her no, as he might not enjoy what I want to do, and I don't want to pay lots of money for a trip he might even decide to cancel last minute or sit there with a miserable face. I want him to put him some research effort and be part of any holiday.

    Am I unreasonable? So far Son has not made any effort, he selected a destination but nothing else, when I ask him, he tells me he is "too busy" (with gaming).

    As we will now incur higher holiday prices being so close to Summer hols, I feel like telling him I have made my own plans (as I have had no proper holiday for 3 yrs too).

    How do other parents deal with teens in such situations?
    Last edited by mutley74; 18-06-2017 at 2:47 PM.
Page 2
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 18th Jun 17, 8:17 PM
    • 5,428 Posts
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    thorsoak
    Thanks for so many replies and suggestions.
    Unfortunately I lost the battle since he turned 13 with regards to gaming. A story for another day! (although the past 1-2 months he has cut down usage a little bit.
    If I switch off wifi or remove his console pad, I get subject to a teenage tantrums which are just crazy and worse for us both. He has had professional help on this but just blames the NHS teenage care service for "not fixing him".

    I was very unhappy he did not attend the funeral, most gutted. But I never expected him to make any effort/interest to be frank, based on his attitude and nature.

    Let clarify I did not expect him to book the holiday on his own. But had hoped a teen would be able to use Google and search out what to see and do in a place such as Barcelona. Even offered him an open opportunity to anywhere in the World to enjoy life!
    Think I am the only person in the office not to have had a family holiday in recent years, get fed up listening to others telling when they are off

    But is it unreasonable to ask a teenager to take interest in a family holiday research? Or would other parents just book and say you are coming with me.
    I don't want to lose out if he changes mind at last minute (he does that a lot with family things). A friend at work said his 15yr told his folks he will not go on family holidays any more - is this common for teens?

    (when I was a teenager we never had a family holiday until I was 16! We used to hassle my folks to take us abroad and see the World!).
    Originally posted by mutley74
    Do you remember how much it hurt when you gave birth to him? You thought that you wouldn't be able to take much more,but you did - and it didn't stop until he was born.

    Now, you are giving birth to an adult - and this too will hurt - and will until he is an adult. So you have to put up with the pain and hurt of refusing him any internet connection unless he earns it - and you have to be the adult.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 18th Jun 17, 8:20 PM
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    balletshoes
    Choose where and what you want, if he isn't interested, go without him.
    Originally posted by Jojo the Tightfisted
    I agree with this, it sounds to me like your teen doesn't really want to go anywhere. Ask him if he does want to go with you on holiday, or if he'd be just as happy staying with his grandparents. If he says the latter, you go on holiday without him. You do want to go, I don't think your son is that bothered.

    eta - last year I took my 15-year old to Greece for a week in the summer holidays, first beachy holiday we've gone on together just the 2 of us. She didn't really enjoy it, she's far more into "doing and seeing" stuff. We did some of that, and we ate out each evening and had a stroll etc, but I won't do that again with her, as its just not her thing. I'd go on my own though!
    Last edited by balletshoes; 18-06-2017 at 8:27 PM.
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 18th Jun 17, 8:22 PM
    • 3,162 Posts
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    avogadro
    Do you remember how much it hurt when you gave birth to him? You thought that you wouldn't be able to take much more,but you did - and it didn't stop until he was born.

    Now, you are giving birth to an adult - and this too will hurt - and will until he is an adult. So you have to put up with the pain and hurt of refusing him any internet connection unless he earns it - and you have to be the adult.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    I got the impression from the username that mutley might be the father, not the mother?
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 18th Jun 17, 8:41 PM
    • 12,505 Posts
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    Gloomendoom
    I got the impression from the username that mutley might be the father, not the mother?
    Originally posted by avogadro
    I did too. I'd also stamp on the damned Xbox.
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • DCFC79
    • By DCFC79 18th Jun 17, 9:09 PM
    • 29,725 Posts
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    DCFC79
    If I were to get out of going to a family funeral I would get a right rollicking, if it was due to me wanting to play on the PS2 back in the day the power cord would have been cut. You were too soft in the funeral instance.
    Je Suis Charlie
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 18th Jun 17, 10:48 PM
    • 2,420 Posts
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    cjdavies
    With regards to the funeral the reason is bad but i wouldnt make someone go, it's a personal choice and they are a bit depressing. Let's be honest would you want somewhere who was forced and showed they were forced?
    Last edited by cjdavies; 18-06-2017 at 10:52 PM.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 18th Jun 17, 10:54 PM
    • 14,889 Posts
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    elsien
    No, but teenager does seem to be learning that if he has a tantrum he gets his own way which isn't a great attitude to carry into later life.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • kelpie35
    • By kelpie35 18th Jun 17, 11:54 PM
    • 1,456 Posts
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    kelpie35
    I am sorry, but you are the parent, and by the looks of things he is controlling you.

    You have allowed this behavior to continue, I really think it is you that needs the help to understand what a parent really is.

    God help him when he leaves school and goes out into the big wide world.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 19th Jun 17, 2:34 AM
    • 37,512 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    I asked three teenagers once where they'd like to go on holiday - choose where you like, just give me a reason. It went like this:

    DS1: Australia. Why? Because it's about as far away as you can get.

    DS3: Cuba. I pointed out they wouldn't let him in without giving him a hair cut: it was long and lush at the time. OK, he said, South Africa - then no, not there, it was too dangerous.

    DS2: I hear [our home town] is very nice at that time of year.

    EVENTUALLY, one of them said "I think some of our online friends are going to have a sort-of meet somewhere in America sometime over the summer." When I finally extracted enough information to make a booking, we ended up spending a few days in New York, and then going to Wildwood for the 'meet'.

    I bought several cheap guidebooks for NY and asked them each to look at one and come up with ideas. Nothing.

    Eventually I gave up, and on the plane they became slightly more responsive. But it was like pulling teeth ...

    Mind you, they were all allegedly busy revising for exams rather than gaming.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 1 shawl, 2 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure, 1 sock ...
    Current projects: 1 shawl, t'other sock (just about to turn the heel!)
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 19th Jun 17, 7:45 AM
    • 29,449 Posts
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    getmore4less
    .........
    Last month he say's he would be offered in an overseas trip and short UK break (finally!!). So I tell him he has to help with choosing a destination, what to see, do, places to stay etc. I even told him he can check out flights etc, and we can discuss and book together.
    ........
    I want him to put him some research effort and be part of any holiday.

    Am I unreasonable? So far Son has not made any effort, he selected a destination but nothing else, when I ask him, he tells me he is "too busy" (with gaming).
    ..........
    Originally posted by mutley74
    MY guess he just picked a destination to get you off his back
    I did tell him again, as not heard anything for 3 weeks from him
    and it worked if that was 3 weeks ago.

    Why are you looking at DIY(Place, flights etc), why not start with a package deal then investigate if DIY would be cheaper.

    have you set a budget, any parameters like airports, max flight time etc.

    where did he say he wanted to go?
    • justme111
    • By justme111 19th Jun 17, 7:54 AM
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    justme111
    Dear Mutley, the issue here is not teen and holiday. The issue is that you as a parent so not have control.
    Going back to your question - why not to chose a couple of options and let him chose one? That would be easier for him. Another option is to sit with him and do research together. Either of the above should work. Failing that just book for two accepting that half of cost could be lost if he refuses to go. If you can not stomach chances of that loss just warn him you will book for yourself only and do so. I feel for you , good luck in choosing and further parenting.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 19th Jun 17, 8:08 AM
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    getmore4less
    Not everyone is capable of managing priorities in life and tend to converge on things that are not always productive and get into routines that can be hard to break.
    This can also include things that are forced on us.
    Some activities just become addictive

    in some ways it is essential as that becomes things like school, work, bringing up kids, hobbies etc.

    In many cases the solution to breaking out of the negative cycle of a particular activity is to find things that you like doing more.

    I think your only hope is he discoverers girls.

    sunny beach holiday with loads of 1/2 naked teens.

    ........
    depends on the games,

    but often disabling the net access is counter productive as it causes tantrums.

    Far better to investigate ways to nobble it so the games don't work quite as well.(helps if the kids are not techies and realize what is happening).

    Noting puts you off network gaming quicker than not being able win or survive for long.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 19th Jun 17, 9:45 AM
    • 8,778 Posts
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    meer53
    As others have said, i think you're too soft on your son. You asked how others would deal with it, i'm a single parent too, my son is 30 and i have a teenage daughter who is 16. When my son was younger he too would have played online games all day and night if i'd have let him. My daughter has an Iphone attached to her hand, as do most teenage girls.

    It's really hard but you have to be the one in control, if that means disconnecting the wifi then thats what you have to do. If there are tantrums then so be it, it's ridiculous that a 15 year old would have a tantrum anyway but let it happen. I have previously confiscated my daughters phone for 2 weeks as a punishment for something she did, it worked a treat and all i have to do now is threaten to do it again and it has the desired result. The thing is, she knows that i WILL follow it through.

    With regard to the holiday, i second the idea of asking him to invite a friend along, i took my sons friend to Florida with us when he was 15, we all had a great time. You might find he is more enthusiastic about this idea.
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 19th Jun 17, 10:10 AM
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    pinkshoes
    I LOVE gaming, although no time for it now with three kids!

    As a teenager, gaming was limited to an hour a day (I had an Amiga 500 with 1Mb upgrade!!!). If I wanted extra gaming time I had to earn it, which involved doing everything expected of me without fuss plus lots of extra stuff like helping with food shopping, cooking etc...

    I suggest you start with some clear boundaries and expectations of what he is and isn't allowed to do.

    If he is going to have a tantrum, let him! If he has been calling the shots since he was thirteen, what sort of adult so he going to be??

    YOU are the parent and need to parent him.

    TELL him the two of you are going on holiday, and that he needs to help decide where you are going. Pick an evening where you will plan and book it. No gaming until the holiday is booked.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh, but as a teacher I get so sick of kids who blatantly call the shots at home, and are often rude and quite frankly vile.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • justme111
    • By justme111 19th Jun 17, 10:29 AM
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    justme111
    It all sounds right pinkshoes but OP made it clear she lost that battle. Sometimes there is only so much we can do and knowing we should have done more does not change it.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 19th Jun 17, 10:37 AM
    • 22,775 Posts
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    I forgot to add 'and change the WiFi password before you go'
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 19th Jun 17, 10:59 AM
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    Loz01
    Why are you letting your holidays be dictated by a 15 year old?? Tell him the option is A or B, if he doesn't like either, you go and he can stay with his grandparents. Why should you miss out because he can't be bothered?

    As for the X-Box.... just unplug it. He'll have an almighty fit but you need to take some control back or before you know it you'll blink and 5 years will have gone by and he'll still be sitting there gaming but he'll be an adult with even LESS motivation to go outside
    An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 19th Jun 17, 11:17 AM
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    pinkshoes
    It all sounds right pinkshoes but OP made it clear she lost that battle. Sometimes there is only so much we can do and knowing we should have done more does not change it.
    Originally posted by justme111
    The battle is not lost. It needs continuing rather than giving up on.

    If we all gave up on teenagers then society would be a sad place.

    It is never too late.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • justme111
    • By justme111 19th Jun 17, 12:50 PM
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    justme111
    I here you and agree with you (while preying I would not have to face similar predicament) Op given up though. She can not. She asks what she can do given that she can not.
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 19th Jun 17, 2:08 PM
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    Caroline_a
    Op, if your son is spending so much time on gaming he is going to fail his GCSEs. And I have to say, that would partly be your fault for not stamping down on this. It could affect his whole future, and by being weak and giving in you are not being a proper parent. I am sure there are many parents on here who have had teenagers melt-downs and tantrums, but have taken the tough line and stood firm.

    Sorry, that's what you should be doing on a day to day basis, never mind holiday selections.
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