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    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 18th Jun 17, 2:24 PM
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    mutley74
    Teens and holidays
    • #1
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:24 PM
    Teens and holidays 18th Jun 17 at 2:24 PM
    As a single parent with a teen (who is almost 16) not had any family holidays for 3 years. Basically son is not interested and rather stay in and play with games (Xbox) 24/7 during school holidays (in fact does not go anywhere with family he even avoided a family funeral because of gaming).

    Last month he say's he would be offered in an overseas trip and short UK break (finally!!). So I tell him he has to help with choosing a destination, what to see, do, places to stay etc. I even told him he can check out flights etc, and we can discuss and book together.

    My mum past few weeks says I am very unreasonable and should just go ahead and book a holiday. I tell her no, as he might not enjoy what I want to do, and I don't want to pay lots of money for a trip he might even decide to cancel last minute or sit there with a miserable face. I want him to put him some research effort and be part of any holiday.

    Am I unreasonable? So far Son has not made any effort, he selected a destination but nothing else, when I ask him, he tells me he is "too busy" (with gaming).

    As we will now incur higher holiday prices being so close to Summer hols, I feel like telling him I have made my own plans (as I have had no proper holiday for 3 yrs too).

    How do other parents deal with teens in such situations?
    Last edited by mutley74; 18-06-2017 at 2:47 PM.
Page 1
    • avogadro
    • By avogadro 18th Jun 17, 2:37 PM
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    avogadro
    • #2
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:37 PM
    • #2
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:37 PM
    If you go on your own would he be allowed to stay home alone?
    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 18th Jun 17, 2:41 PM
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    mutley74
    • #3
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:41 PM
    • #3
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:41 PM
    If you go on your own would he be allowed to stay home alone?
    Originally posted by avogadro
    he would stay with his grandparents. I had a long weekend in Germany last year and he and they did not mind.
    • Jojo the Tightfisted
    • By Jojo the Tightfisted 18th Jun 17, 2:44 PM
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    Jojo the Tightfisted
    • #4
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:44 PM
    • #4
    • 18th Jun 17, 2:44 PM
    Choose where and what you want, if he isn't interested, go without him.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.

    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
    Originally posted by colinw
    • kingfisherblue
    • By kingfisherblue 18th Jun 17, 3:54 PM
    • 7,170 Posts
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    kingfisherblue
    • #5
    • 18th Jun 17, 3:54 PM
    • #5
    • 18th Jun 17, 3:54 PM
    As a single parent with a teen (who is almost 16) not had any family holidays for 3 years. Basically son is not interested and rather stay in and play with games (Xbox) 24/7 during school holidays (in fact does not go anywhere with family he even avoided a family funeral because of gaming).

    Last month he say's he would be offered in an overseas trip and short UK break (finally!!). So I tell him he has to help with choosing a destination, what to see, do, places to stay etc. I even told him he can check out flights etc, and we can discuss and book together.

    My mum past few weeks says I am very unreasonable and should just go ahead and book a holiday. I tell her no, as he might not enjoy what I want to do, and I don't want to pay lots of money for a trip he might even decide to cancel last minute or sit there with a miserable face. I want him to put him some research effort and be part of any holiday.

    Am I unreasonable? So far Son has not made any effort, he selected a destination but nothing else, when I ask him, he tells me he is "too busy" (with gaming).

    As we will now incur higher holiday prices being so close to Summer hols, I feel like telling him I have made my own plans (as I have had no proper holiday for 3 yrs too).

    How do other parents deal with teens in such situations?
    Originally posted by mutley74
    I wouldn't let him have his X Box rule my life. I haven't had a holiday for a couple of years because I can't afford it - I've saved to allow my youngest son to have a couple of holidays with the school instead. However, for a family holiday, or even a weekend away, I know the type of things that my sons enjoy and would book accordingly. I definitely wouldn't let a teenager and his X Box dictate to me. Mind you, my kids aren't allowed on games consoles for such long hours that they are 'too busy' to spend any time as a family.

    As for failing to attend a family funeral because he is busy gaming - words fail me! Where is his respect? Having said that, the OP obviously gives her son more leeway than me, because I wouldn't allow one of my children to 'decide to cancel at the last minute', or to have such control.

    I've just read this thread to my 17 year old son and he said that the OP is being too soft with her son, the son shouldn't be allowed to control his mum and her decisions, and has she ever thought to remove the plug on his X Box?
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 18th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
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    Spendless
    • #6
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    • #6
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    Give him a deadline, say something like I'm planning to book a holiday by the end of next week, if you want to come then have a look at what sort of thing you might enjoy, and we'll book to go there the two of us.

    If he's not looked into it and doesn't want to go then book something yourself.
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 18th Jun 17, 4:23 PM
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    lika_86
    • #7
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:23 PM
    • #7
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:23 PM
    I think you need to be reasonable in what you're expecting from him. Yes he should be involved in deciding what you do while you're there but looking at flights and stuff is a real chore, I struggle to get my boyfriend to do it and he's generally excited about where we're going. Mostly I end up doing the boring admin stuff myself, flights, transport to the airport etc. Some people are organisers, some people aren't. It's the same with booking hotels and restaurants, I will do a lot of research to find somewhere with a good location, decent facilities, a decent price etc, my boyfriend isn't into that and leaves it to me, trusting that I'll find somewhere good.

    What your son should be expected to be interested in are things to do. Sit down with the tripadvisor page which tells you the best rated things to do in that place and make a plan. If he's not interested then that's different.

    I'd personally make him go, some mother/son time away without access to his X-Box sounds like it would be good for him, although it also sounds like you need to set some limits at home.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 18th Jun 17, 4:30 PM
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    meer53
    • #8
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:30 PM
    • #8
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:30 PM
    I'd worry more about the time he's spending playing games than trying to book a holiday. You allowed him to avoid a family funeral so he could play a game ?

    That shows a huge lack of respect for you and towards others. I'd book a holiday for you both and tell him he's going, whether he likes it or not, i would never let my children be like this. He's 15 ! You're not doing him any favours by allowing him to be like this.

    (Yes i have a teenager, who is coming on holiday with me in July, we chose the holiday together but if i'd just booked it, it wouldn't be any different)
    Last edited by meer53; 18-06-2017 at 4:32 PM.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 18th Jun 17, 4:38 PM
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    thorsoak
    • #9
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:38 PM
    • #9
    • 18th Jun 17, 4:38 PM
    Remove the wi-fi connection. And then re-connect with your son.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 18th Jun 17, 4:40 PM
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    cjdavies
    At 16 I wouldnt go on with my parents, at 14 I went, did not enjoy it.

    Problem is others say make him go, which you can do BUT you can't make him enjoy it, do you want to waste your money?
    • CRANKY40
    • By CRANKY40 18th Jun 17, 4:42 PM
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    CRANKY40
    I took mine to center parcs with his laptop. It was great. The weather was good and we went swimming for a couple of hours every day. (Indoor pool is huge and the outdoor one has water so warm we've been in it in the rain) and the rest of the time I left him in on his laptop. I had some lovely spa treatments and a few peaceful walks in the forest. I separated him from technology each evening to eat in one of their restaurants (my treat as a widowed parent who provides every single meal that happens in this house) and we both had a good time.

    Look for a holiday that has something that both of you will enjoy.
    • kelpie35
    • By kelpie35 18th Jun 17, 4:47 PM
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    kelpie35
    OP you are the parent, and I am sorry if this sound harsh, but he lives by your rules as he is the child.

    I would be more concerned about the amount of time he is on his Xbox than a holiday.

    You, as the parent, are allowing him to control your life. Take responsibility and show him there are more important things in life than an Xbox.
    • CRANKY40
    • By CRANKY40 18th Jun 17, 4:49 PM
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    CRANKY40
    Incidentally, if mine had tried to avoid a family funeral I'd have changed the wifi password. I have my limits....
    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 18th Jun 17, 4:50 PM
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    mutley74
    Thanks for the replies. Last time we went on holiday together we did lots of activities and try do what we both enjoy.
    I did not want him churning through flights for hours, but take an interest in how to at least enquire on flight bookings, what to see and where is best areas to stay etc. Otherwise if its booked may way and he is unhappy with one thing, he will be miserable as anything.
    I did tell him again, as not heard anything for 3 weeks from him, but he insists he is still interested! So I gave him a deadline of this week to discuss with me.
    As with gaming and xboy - this is a battle I have lost. He and both of us have taken professional help, he has seen therapists, but wont listen to any help offered. It has affected his health, our relationship, but I have decided to move on. He let me down on father's day (said he would go for lunch today, then he got up late, his "homework" was on xbox all afternoon!)
    Last edited by mutley74; 18-06-2017 at 6:41 PM.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 18th Jun 17, 5:36 PM
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    FBaby
    Why does it have to be him or you organising it? Why not doing it together? You've agreed on a destination, so you now need to go through hotels/camp etc... and then flights are easy.
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 18th Jun 17, 5:38 PM
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    clairec79
    So from age 12 you've allowed him to dictate whether or not you go on holiday

    Don't get me wrong my teens have moaned beforehand when I've taken them somewhere with no electricity and wifi (we stayed in a yurt it was fab), to hear the girls talk I was going to cut their arm off. But you know what when they were actually there they enjoyed it and had fun (and didn't moan about the lack of wifi till in the car going home.

    Last two years they've gone to Disney and no moaning with that one, mentioned about next year - and the request was can we go to disney Paris again.

    Not sure where we will go next year (I don't think it'll be Paris again - though it may be) but the kids will be 17, 16, 15 and 7 and will all be coming. I do let them have some freedom to go off alone (well together alone) while on holiday but they aren't staying home - year after the eldest will be 18 and can choose if she comes or not, but it won't be a 'where would you like to go, it'll be this is where we are going do you want to come?'
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 18th Jun 17, 5:53 PM
    • 11,145 Posts
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    unholyangel
    Thanks for the replies. Last time we went on holiday together we did lots of activities and try do what we both enjoy.
    I did not want him churning through flights for hours, but take an interest in how to at least enquire on flight bookings, what to see and where is best areas to stay etc. Otherwise if its booked may way and he is unhappy with one thing, he will be miserable as anything.
    I did tell him again, as not heard anything for 3 weeks from him, but he insists he is still interested! So I gave him a deadline of this week to discuss with me.
    As with gaming and xboy - this is a battle I have lost. He and both of us thought professional help, he has seen therapists, but wont listen to any professional help. It has affected his health, our relationship, but I have decided to move on. He let me down on father's day (said he would go for lunch today, then he got up late, his "homework" was on xbox all afternoon!)
    Originally posted by mutley74
    By all means give your son the chance to have his opinions heard & counted, but don't bend over backwards to accommodate him. If he doesn't contribute and give you some input on where he'd like to visit, go ahead and book somewhere you'll love even if he wont. If he complains then you tell him he had his chance to be part of the decision making process and turned it down.

    And I'm sorry but I agree with the others regarding the funeral and how long he's spending gaming. I'd have been absolutely mortified and most likely would have either cut them off from the wifi and/or confiscated their xbox.


    As for the holiday....if you have the cash, why not suggest he brings a friend with him (if the friends parents give the friend spending money)? It encourages him to interact in person with his friends and perhaps might give him more a vested interest in where you will be holidaying!
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
    • mutley74
    • By mutley74 18th Jun 17, 6:53 PM
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    mutley74
    Thanks for so many replies and suggestions.
    Unfortunately I lost the battle since he turned 13 with regards to gaming. A story for another day! (although the past 1-2 months he has cut down usage a little bit.
    If I switch off wifi or remove his console pad, I get subject to a teenage tantrums which are just crazy and worse for us both. He has had professional help on this but just blames the NHS teenage care service for "not fixing him".

    I was very unhappy he did not attend the funeral, most gutted. But I never expected him to make any effort/interest to be frank, based on his attitude and nature.

    Let clarify I did not expect him to book the holiday on his own. But had hoped a teen would be able to use Google and search out what to see and do in a place such as Barcelona. Even offered him an open opportunity to anywhere in the World to enjoy life!
    Think I am the only person in the office not to have had a family holiday in recent years, get fed up listening to others telling when they are off

    But is it unreasonable to ask a teenager to take interest in a family holiday research? Or would other parents just book and say you are coming with me.
    I don't want to lose out if he changes mind at last minute (he does that a lot with family things). A friend at work said his 15yr told his folks he will not go on family holidays any more - is this common for teens?

    (when I was a teenager we never had a family holiday until I was 16! We used to hassle my folks to take us abroad and see the World!).
    • Shelldean
    • By Shelldean 18th Jun 17, 7:04 PM
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    Shelldean
    Like clairec79, ours were.given no choice whilst under eighteen. Once eighteen we gave them the choice. But again like clairec79, we said we're going to.....do you fancy going??
    Last summer was the youngest son's last yr and rather than have him bored, we asked one of the older ones to come too, for company.
    Worked well.

    Youngest turned 18 last Sept, we went off on our own in Oct and will be again soon.
    However we've had short breaks uk where all the kids and the dog has.come along!!! And one in France that two of the boys fancied.
    • Rosemary7391
    • By Rosemary7391 18th Jun 17, 7:04 PM
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    Rosemary7391
    At 15 (until I left home at 18) my parents told me where I was going on holiday and I went whether I liked it or not. Ditto computer use - and yes, my Dad did block the internet, and I did sulk, but I thank him for it now. Even at 25 I have to watch myself spending too much time online/reading. I dread to think what I'd be like if I'd been allowed to continue as I had been! Certainly I wouldn't be doing a PhD. It wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't impacting on his life, but the funeral thing and not finding the time to look into something he's interested in suggests to me that it is. He needs to fix him - and you can help him.
    Me escondo detras de mi lengua... tengo miedo de que me entiendas... pero me gustara que me entendases ¡Ayudame!
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