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  • FIRST POST
    • Bath cube
    • By Bath cube 17th Jun 17, 1:59 AM
    • 128Posts
    • 68Thanks
    Bath cube
    Parent doesnt want son to get a job
    • #1
    • 17th Jun 17, 1:59 AM
    Parent doesnt want son to get a job 17th Jun 17 at 1:59 AM
    My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment. He has always worked in office roles, his last job was a costs adjustor for a personal injury solicitors at a large firm. However our dad who is now 65 and working part time doesnt want my brother to return to paid work and just do voluntary positions whilst claiming esa. our mum died some years ago and I'm told my dad doesnt want my brother to meet anyone or leave home in case he is left alone and needs care, he has made it clear he won't go into care if he becomes Ill and expects my brother to be his carer. He thinks that my brother will be OK doing this as he is leaving him the house and all his savings. He doesnt want my brother to be financially independent so he can leave the family home and get his own place. When not at work my dad wants to go everywhere with him and doesn't like the idea of him meeting anyone. To be honest he had a problem with me leaving home at 22 and buying a property with my then partner. I went to a university that was less than a mile away from the family home so I didn't have to stay in accommodation. When myself and my husband moved from Sheffield to suffolk he called me selfish and didn't talk to me for a few years and told my brother and mum to do likewise. What is the best way around this?. Have any other members had suffocating parent/s and if so how did they cope?.
Page 1
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 17th Jun 17, 6:18 AM
    • 1,790 Posts
    • 2,383 Thanks
    comeandgo
    • #2
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:18 AM
    • #2
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:18 AM
    Are you blue girl by any chance? You have a similar posting style to her. She also took great interest in other people's lives.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 17th Jun 17, 7:45 AM
    • 15,783 Posts
    • 39,451 Thanks
    FBaby
    • #3
    • 17th Jun 17, 7:45 AM
    • #3
    • 17th Jun 17, 7:45 AM
    Your poor brother, no surprise he is stuck in a cycle of depression.

    If it was my brother, i would do everything to help them gain their independence back. How selfish of your father to consider that your brother owe him to look after him. Children don't owe their parents to care for them.

    Parents should be happy and proud that they have raised independent and happy children, not feel satisfaction that they are meeting their needs even if it lead them to unhappiness.

    Unfortunately, this attitude often comes with manipulating skills and an amazing ability to make victims guilty, so you might have a hard job in front of you to make your brother see that it would be ok for him to move out and get on with his own life.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 17th Jun 17, 9:12 AM
    • 8,822 Posts
    • 12,801 Thanks
    meer53
    • #4
    • 17th Jun 17, 9:12 AM
    • #4
    • 17th Jun 17, 9:12 AM
    What does your brother want to do ?
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Jun 17, 9:19 AM
    • 17,605 Posts
    • 44,823 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #5
    • 17th Jun 17, 9:19 AM
    • #5
    • 17th Jun 17, 9:19 AM
    My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment. He has always worked in office roles, his last job was a costs adjustor for a personal injury solicitors at a large firm. However our dad who is now 65 and working part time doesnt want my brother to return to paid work and just do voluntary positions whilst claiming esa. our mum died some years ago and I'm told my dad doesnt want my brother to meet anyone or leave home in case he is left alone and needs care, he has made it clear he won't go into care if he becomes Ill and expects my brother to be his carer. He thinks that my brother will be OK doing this as he is leaving him the house and all his savings. He doesnt want my brother to be financially independent so he can leave the family home and get his own place. When not at work my dad wants to go everywhere with him and doesn't like the idea of him meeting anyone. To be honest he had a problem with me leaving home at 22 and buying a property with my then partner. I went to a university that was less than a mile away from the family home so I didn't have to stay in accommodation. When myself and my husband moved from Sheffield to suffolk he called me selfish and didn't talk to me for a few years and told my brother and mum to do likewise. What is the best way around this?. Have any other members had suffocating parent/s and if so how did they cope?.
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    Where is your information about this situation coming from?
    Your Dad?
    Your brother?
    Your own knowledge?

    Re this bit:
    My brother who is 7 years younger than myself (31) has been claiming ESA since November 2012 after losing his job and being diagnosed with severe depression. The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment.
    Originally posted by Bath cube
    I've no knowledge of this benefit but from what you've posted wasn't your brother's 4 years on ESA up last November?
    What help is he getting from the leader of his support group with taking those steps to finding employment?
    Does your brother want to return to work?
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 17th Jun 17, 6:02 PM
    • 1,728 Posts
    • 2,520 Thanks
    Robisere
    • #6
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:02 PM
    • #6
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:02 PM
    What a difficult situation for you and your brother. Usually it's a mother who cannot cut the "apron strings".

    I would suggest that you try to take your brother out for a day, or if dad won't accept that, a couple of hours. You will have to be diplomatic and take care with your words, but try to discover what your brother wants.

    Failing that, he could be classed as vulnerable. If you can see your GP or some other medical person, try to discover if there are any grounds for helping him become more independent of dad, who is the obvious stumbling block here. Seems from your story, that dad is the 'know it all' who is the only one (in his opinion) who knows what is "best" for your brother.

    I wish you luck, what a burden. But you do appear to have your brother's best interests at heart. I hope you find what those best interests actually are.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 17th Jun 17, 6:13 PM
    • 1,171 Posts
    • 2,518 Thanks
    IAmWales
    • #7
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:13 PM
    • #7
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:13 PM
    The leader of the support group he attends has told him after four years on esa clients have to take steps to find suitable employment.
    This is nonsense.

    Do you mean he is in the work related activity group and is seeing a work coach? If so, they can be required to take part in work related activity, but they cannot be forced into work.

    If he is in the support group (for ESA, not a support group) then he is not required to do any WRA or to attend the Jobcentre.

    The only thing that matters here is what your brother wants. Sadly he is the one person that has not been asked.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 17th Jun 17, 6:17 PM
    • 7,115 Posts
    • 9,927 Thanks
    KxMx
    • #8
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:17 PM
    • #8
    • 17th Jun 17, 6:17 PM
    Is your brother in the WRAG or Support Group of ESA?

    What exactly is this "support group"?

    I claim ESA and that's never something I have heard of.

    You only stop getting ESA if you are found Fit For Work following a Work Capability Assesment.
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 17th Jun 17, 7:53 PM
    • 530 Posts
    • 1,033 Thanks
    seashore22
    • #9
    • 17th Jun 17, 7:53 PM
    • #9
    • 17th Jun 17, 7:53 PM
    Are you blue girl by any chance? You have a similar posting style to her. She also took great interest in other people's lives.
    Originally posted by comeandgo
    bluelass by any chance?
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 17th Jun 17, 8:00 PM
    • 1,790 Posts
    • 2,383 Thanks
    comeandgo
    Yup seashore, that's the one.
    • Cupcake Returns
    • By Cupcake Returns 19th Jun 17, 4:35 AM
    • 81 Posts
    • 258 Thanks
    Cupcake Returns
    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5366034&highlight=

    After reading bath cubes and bluelass threads ( omg they are so funny ) I'd say yes, one and the same person
    • Bath cube
    • By Bath cube 2nd Aug 17, 4:11 PM
    • 128 Posts
    • 68 Thanks
    Bath cube
    Yes he is in the WRAG I asked him.
    • Bath cube
    • By Bath cube 2nd Aug 17, 4:12 PM
    • 128 Posts
    • 68 Thanks
    Bath cube
    You are wrong sorry to dissapointed you.
    • Zeni
    • By Zeni 2nd Aug 17, 8:03 PM
    • 268 Posts
    • 590 Thanks
    Zeni
    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5366034&highlight=

    After reading bath cubes and bluelass threads ( omg they are so funny ) I'd say yes, one and the same person
    Originally posted by Cupcake Returns
    Definitely the same, even down to cat name.
    Anyway, I digress..
    All that matters is what you brother wants to do.. The whole post doesn't really mention him and what he wants to do. If he also doesn't want to work then that's his decision. If he does then he will. All you've mentioned is what your dad wants.Just because they want it doesn't mean your brother has to do it.
    Swagbuckling since Aug 2016 - Earnings so far.. £55.
    • tesuhoha
    • By tesuhoha 2nd Aug 17, 8:13 PM
    • 16,029 Posts
    • 41,867 Thanks
    tesuhoha
    My neighbour is in this situation or should I say future situation. He is in his early 50s and has given up his job to care for his elderly parents so that they don't have to go into a care home. He has been looking after them for almost all the time we have lived here (11 years). He had a job when we first moved here but after about a year he gave it up to care for them.

    I get the impression his life is on hold. He told me that they have enough money to renovate the house after their death in order to get a good price for it. The elderly parents both have excellent pensions. He told me regretfully that he used to be a night owl but he has been forced to change his ways to look after them. Its not a healthy thing to do. I don't know how he will restart his life once they are gone.
    The forest would be very silent if no birds sang except for the birds that sang the best

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    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 3rd Aug 17, 12:49 AM
    • 16,988 Posts
    • 44,641 Thanks
    xXMessedUpXx
    Is your brother in the WRAG or Support Group of ESA?

    What exactly is this "support group"?

    I claim ESA and that's never something I have heard of.

    You only stop getting ESA if you are found Fit For Work following a Work Capability Assesment.
    Originally posted by KxMx
    After an assessment you are either placed in the work related activity group (WRAG)or the support group. WRAG means they invite you work related activity stuff like job preperation etc, support group means you're not expected to look for work and are mostly left alone. The payments also differ depending on what group you're in
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
    To see the rainbow you need both the sun and the rain to make its colours appear
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    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Aug 17, 7:42 AM
    • 17,605 Posts
    • 44,823 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Bath cube
    As you've re-lifed this thread, maybe you could answer some of the questions I asked earlier:
    Where is your information about this situation coming from?
    Your Dad?
    Your brother?
    Your own knowledge?

    I've no knowledge of this benefit but from what you've posted wasn't your brother's 4 years on ESA up last November?
    What help is he getting from the leader of his support group with taking those steps to finding employment?
    Does your brother want to return to work?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    • Bath cube
    • By Bath cube 11th Aug 17, 11:03 PM
    • 128 Posts
    • 68 Thanks
    Bath cube
    Yes my brother wants to return to work.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Aug 17, 7:40 AM
    • 17,605 Posts
    • 44,823 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Where is your information about this situation coming from?
    Your Dad?
    Your brother?
    Your own knowledge?

    I've no knowledge of ESA benefit but from what you've posted wasn't your brother's 4 years on ESA up last November?
    What help is he getting from the leader of his support group with taking those steps to finding employment?
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