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  • FIRST POST
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 10:08 PM
    • 1,708Posts
    • 9,623Thanks
    Florence J
    Need Help Plotting My Next Steps
    • #1
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:08 PM
    Need Help Plotting My Next Steps 16th Jun 17 at 10:08 PM
    Hi all,

    I'm not sure if this is the best thread for this.

    I have been signed off work for 28 days due to stress, anxiety and depression.

    I have never been in this situation before and I don't know what my next steps should be.

    Everything has passed in a blur so I haven't found out how this is going to affect my wages (my employer does offer statutory sick pay) so I guess that is a job to do.

    I don't know what I should be doing. I also don't know if I am capable of returning to this job.

    I just wondered if anyone can offer any advice?
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£94.58) £1000 Emergency Fund Challenge #253 Wombling free 2017 = £1982.64 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£3118.08/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1146.96/1146.96
    November 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4025
Page 1
    • sangie595
    • By sangie595 16th Jun 17, 10:19 PM
    • 4,028 Posts
    • 6,522 Thanks
    sangie595
    • #2
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:19 PM
    • #2
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:19 PM
    There isn't a lot to go on here Florence. Why don't you know if you can return to the job? You rally need to explain to us what is going on to get any sensible advice.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 16th Jun 17, 10:22 PM
    • 15,292 Posts
    • 38,384 Thanks
    elsien
    • #3
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:22 PM
    • #3
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:22 PM
    If you've just been signed off you need to give yourself time to start to recover before you do anything much.
    Do you know if your employer offers more than statutory sick pay at all?
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 10:25 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 9,623 Thanks
    Florence J
    • #4
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:25 PM
    • #4
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:25 PM
    Well, it's like this.

    I was working in accounts payable, but I found the job stressful and it was causing me incredible anxiety. For a long time I have struggled with social anxiety as well and I think everything has come to a head and caused me to have a bit of a breakdown.

    Last week my doctor has referred me to a mental health service as there is a higher than likely chance I have borderline personality disorder which wasn't previously diagnosed.

    I am not sure if I would be able to cope with the demands of my job with my anxiety, I guess that is what I mean. I'm not sure if I would be any good at this job and if it would be better if I hand in my notice.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£94.58) £1000 Emergency Fund Challenge #253 Wombling free 2017 = £1982.64 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£3118.08/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1146.96/1146.96
    November 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4025
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 10:31 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 9,623 Thanks
    Florence J
    • #5
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:31 PM
    • #5
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:31 PM
    For a long time, it's certainly fair to say it has been at least 18 months, I have found it more and more difficult to be around strangers, answer phone calls, be in large crowds, do customer service roles and in general communicate with people.

    I have difficulty coping with stress, and I found this job quite stressful, my mental health problems are not going to go away in 28 days, I have started seeking cognitive behavioural therapy and doing what I can to help myself.

    I guess because this is all alien territory to me, I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation or had any advice.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£94.58) £1000 Emergency Fund Challenge #253 Wombling free 2017 = £1982.64 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£3118.08/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1146.96/1146.96
    November 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4025
    • sangie595
    • By sangie595 16th Jun 17, 10:43 PM
    • 4,028 Posts
    • 6,522 Thanks
    sangie595
    • #6
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:43 PM
    • #6
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:43 PM
    Hi Flo
    I was a bit worried about you because something in the first post made me concerned about you, so I went off and checked some of your recent posts. I have only had time to skim them. Sorry.

    Your number one is NEVER RESIGN. Wait and get sacked if you must. But I am very worried for you because this is not exactly about your work. It seems from what I read elsewhere that your world is crashing down. It must be very scary. And I am maybe being unfair about this, but I am not at all pleased to hear what you have, very nicely, said about your partner and his family, who appear - in my eyes - to be brats!! Sorry - I know that must be hard for you, but really, some growing up seems to be in order and you appear to be the only grown up in sight!

    I don't really understand what is happening here, but I am going to give you some great advice. Look after yourself. And care for yourself. Forget everything and everyone else. Give yourself space to heal, and love yourself enough to move forward. It isn't your role in life to sort out everybody else. There are hard times ahead. Fine - you can't change that. But you CAN come through them. But you need to think about yourself, for yourself.
    • xapprenticex
    • By xapprenticex 16th Jun 17, 10:51 PM
    • 1,271 Posts
    • 1,180 Thanks
    xapprenticex
    • #7
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:51 PM
    • #7
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:51 PM
    If you dont mind saying, what exactly was/is stressful in your AP role??

    Regarding SA, didnt you ever look into tackling while you was working, say a year ago for example?
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 11:03 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 9,623 Thanks
    Florence J
    • #8
    • 16th Jun 17, 11:03 PM
    • #8
    • 16th Jun 17, 11:03 PM
    If you dont mind saying, what exactly was/is stressful in your AP role??

    Regarding SA, didnt you ever look into tackling while you was working, say a year ago for example?
    Originally posted by xapprenticex
    Those are the million dollar questions.

    I found my job stressful because I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect and suddenly being in a role where my work was more important than what I had done before and that mistakes might actually matter made me panic.

    As for the SA, I guess, as stupid as it is, I didn't realise the way I was afraid of people/phones/etc went beyond normal shyness/introversion and was actually quite seriously warped. The fact is I haven't had the confidence to go for jobs I might like or might be good for my skills. I've just gone for jobs that any person can do, they are usually entry level jobs and more often then not have been customer service based roles as I feel my chances of getting those jobs was better.

    As a result I have worked many, many roles which have drained me, made me ill, anxious or stressed and I think it is safe to say that my life has fallen around me a bit.

    I guess I don't know what to do next as I don't know how this problem won't crop up again.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£94.58) £1000 Emergency Fund Challenge #253 Wombling free 2017 = £1982.64 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£3118.08/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1146.96/1146.96
    November 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4025
    • sangie595
    • By sangie595 16th Jun 17, 11:11 PM
    • 4,028 Posts
    • 6,522 Thanks
    sangie595
    • #9
    • 16th Jun 17, 11:11 PM
    • #9
    • 16th Jun 17, 11:11 PM
    Flo - the point of getting help now is to assist you in getting the help you need to make decisions for yourself. I know it is easy to say "don't worry", and you will worry anyway - but you must give yourself some time and some space to engage with people who can help you.
    • Florence J
    • By Florence J 16th Jun 17, 11:15 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 9,623 Thanks
    Florence J
    Flo - the point of getting help now is to assist you in getting the help you need to make decisions for yourself. I know it is easy to say "don't worry", and you will worry anyway - but you must give yourself some time and some space to engage with people who can help you.
    Originally posted by sangie595
    Thank you, I will try.
    Sealed Pot Challenge 10 #553 (£94.58) £1000 Emergency Fund Challenge #253 Wombling free 2017 = £1982.64 Pay off all your debts by Xmas 2017 #53 (£3118.08/£3000) Debt to OH paid back £1146.96/1146.96
    November 2017 Credit Card Debt: £4025
    • xapprenticex
    • By xapprenticex 16th Jun 17, 11:16 PM
    • 1,271 Posts
    • 1,180 Thanks
    xapprenticex
    If you have a modern phone i advise you download the headspace APP immediately.

    Your doctor SHOULD refer you to a talking therapy group run by NHS and tthey should assess and invite you to a few workshops covering CBT then 1-2-1 sessions if required.

    Research CBT, get reputable books,

    I also advise you join a speakers club, it will scare the crap out of you initially but they are very supportive and in time, youll build confidence in yourself.

    rewire your anxious brain is worth a read too.

    dont let anxiety rob you of your life.
    • asajj
    • By asajj 16th Jun 17, 11:37 PM
    • 4,130 Posts
    • 10,324 Thanks
    asajj
    Your employer might come to your help after you go back. They might make adjustments or take off some of your responsibilities to help on the stress. Only you can decide whether you want to keep the job but as Sangie advised, don't resign right away.

    I have gone through some rough patches and found that the best you can do is to look after yourself. Your boss/manager will need to think about your role. Leave it to them. Follow up with your GP and appointments. It still makes me anxious when I think about my own work. I always wanted to be really good at it and put a lot of pressure on myself. I do realise many people are less capable than me but more confident. Guess what, they are happier.You don't have to be perfect. You just need to do your job and that's it. The rest will come. Good luck.
    £2015 in 2015 / £2015

    No buying unnecessary stuff.
    Clearing out by selling on Ebay, donating to charity etc.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 17th Jun 17, 12:05 AM
    • 15,292 Posts
    • 38,384 Thanks
    elsien
    You are probably not in a place to make decisions right now. And if you need more time, your doctor can sign you off for longer at the end of 28 days. I was once signed off from work with stress/depression which crept up on me without me noticing - when you are in the middle of it it can be less obvious to you that things are getting too much than it may be for those around you. I think my difficulties were less than yours from what you have said but I was off work with ongoing sicknotes for a while. My suggestion would be similar to Sangie's - don't rush into any hasty decisions about your job. Give any therapies/assessments/medication time to take effect before you start to consider what is doable for you and what isn't. Your health is the priority here.
    Last edited by elsien; 17-06-2017 at 12:07 AM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 17th Jun 17, 12:25 AM
    • 1,056 Posts
    • 677 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    Many companies have jobs which can be done by people with all sorts of apparent "shortcomings". My Dad often tells me of a deaf colleague, who used to work as a riveter inside a small box ; the noise would have driven anyone else mad. The business must have jobs you could do.

    Your "shortcoming" seems to be that you aren't prepared to let a job be done badly, for the sake of ticking a box to say it's been done ; the news is full of events which are caused by people without that "shortcoming". Perhaps the company can find you a role where it acknowledges the need for perfection ; and resources it accordingly.

    As a suggestion for coping with work, how about schizophrenia ? I don't mean for real, but instead to have a work persona. If you are only given enough time to do the job half-well, then "half-well" is the standard to be achieved ; and by that standard, you were perfect. If you are told to run up a down-escalator ; going down less quickly, is a success.
    Overcoming social anxiety is like getting better at reading, do lots of it, whatever it is ; engage in conversation with anybody, about anything. Start with the easy stuff, like asking a shelf-stacker where the bread is ; then graduate to going back with a loaf to say thanks. When you need a "real" conversation, treat it as another training exercise.

    I'm told of a young man who had a serious anxiety about being rejected by girls, so had stopped socialising. The psychiatrist gave him some homework for the week, to get 100 rejections. Each rejection became a win, instead of a loss ; so he lost the negative feedback link.

    When the dust has settled and you are "sorted", please let us know.
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