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  • FIRST POST
    • Cupcake Returns
    • By Cupcake Returns 15th Jun 17, 10:50 PM
    • 81Posts
    • 258Thanks
    Cupcake Returns
    Reconciling with estranged family
    • #1
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:50 PM
    Reconciling with estranged family 15th Jun 17 at 10:50 PM
    This week has hit me hard

    My sister who I have estranged from for 3 years has been caught up in Grenfell. She teaches in the local school, lives just four streets away, knows many of the residents


    At the same time my sister in law is taken into hospital having her breast removed due to breast cancer. She is estranged from her two sisters. She's a long road ahead of her without her sisters


    The past years have just flown by. We all have busy lives, very rarely do I have time to reflect on the fact that we sisters haven't spoken. However this week it's really hit me that she is my sister and I do love her


    I don't want to talk about why we stopped talking, it's done,what I am asking is has anyone been in this position and managed to build bridges? And how?

    i don't need a hard time over this, just seeking others experiences really
Page 1
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 15th Jun 17, 11:05 PM
    • 5,450 Posts
    • 24,785 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #2
    • 15th Jun 17, 11:05 PM
    • #2
    • 15th Jun 17, 11:05 PM
    I cannot imagine being estranged from my sisters - but I do understand that things happen. I think my gut instinct would be just to phone - let her know that you are thinking of her, that you love her - and would like to have more contact with her. And hope that she would feel the same.

    Good luck - life can be short - and events such as those this week make us realise just how quickly time goes by.
    • consumers_revenge
    • By consumers_revenge 16th Jun 17, 7:09 AM
    • 2,887 Posts
    • 1,525 Thanks
    consumers_revenge
    • #3
    • 16th Jun 17, 7:09 AM
    • #3
    • 16th Jun 17, 7:09 AM
    Haven't really spoken to my sister in 10 years except when mum died and later dad having pacemaker emergency fitting.

    Once dad goes will probably never see again. Shame in many ways but she's even fell out with 2 of her 3 grown up kids, who I still talk to.

    Someone once said 'just cause you started out in the same life boat does necessarily mean you will be friends for life' sometimes people just end up strangers.

    But as the other poster says you could just ring them, you never know.

    Good luck.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 16th Jun 17, 7:34 AM
    • 17,625 Posts
    • 44,861 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #4
    • 16th Jun 17, 7:34 AM
    • #4
    • 16th Jun 17, 7:34 AM
    Someone I know had no contact with her sister for many years and then out of the blue received a letter from her asking to meet up.

    It worked out and they now see each other.

    I would reach out to your sister through whatever means you have (phone, email?).
    The worst that can happen is that she either ignores your olive branch or tells you to do one.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 16th Jun 17, 8:34 AM
    • 29,366 Posts
    • 54,827 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    • #5
    • 16th Jun 17, 8:34 AM
    • #5
    • 16th Jun 17, 8:34 AM
    I too know two sisters who didn't speak for years.

    Then out of the blue one rang the other and said she wanted to talk to her. The sister who had been rung came to me (I am her cousin by marriage), very suspicious and defensive and said to me 'what does she want?' in a very aggressive way.

    I said maybe she just wanted to bury the hatchet after all these years and suggested meeting in a public place so that if the meeting didn't work out, she could just walk away.

    They met, and it turned out the sister who had rung had just got over a mild heart attack, faced her own mortality and wanted to put things right between them. There were tears, and then hugs and kisses on both sides.

    This was about five years ago. They are still firm friends.

    OP, Contact your sister in a way suitable for you, and take it from there . Put the past in the past and leave it there. Life is indeed too short.

    I hope it works out for you. Please keep us updated.
    To love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it
    'I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because I see everything by it': C.S. Lewis
    St. Augustine — 'In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.'
    • Sam Fallow
    • By Sam Fallow 16th Jun 17, 9:07 AM
    • 785 Posts
    • 1,772 Thanks
    Sam Fallow
    • #6
    • 16th Jun 17, 9:07 AM
    • #6
    • 16th Jun 17, 9:07 AM
    I don't want to talk about why we stopped talking, it's done,what I am asking is has anyone been in this position and managed to build bridges? And how?

    i don't need a hard time over this, just seeking others experiences really
    Originally posted by Cupcake Returns
    Just say to them that 'many things have been said and many things have been left unsaid. Let's forget them all and start again from today.'

    I tried this with my estranged birth mother and it worked for nearly half an hour before she put her foot in her mouth again, almost immediately raking over the past again. I haven't spoken to her since.

    Good luck with your sisters.
    I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 16th Jun 17, 9:09 AM
    • 221 Posts
    • 442 Thanks
    Aced2016
    • #7
    • 16th Jun 17, 9:09 AM
    • #7
    • 16th Jun 17, 9:09 AM
    Just go and see her. You've obviously forgiven her if you feel this way.

    I'm sure she will be happy to see you.

    I cut my mum and sister out my life. I don't regret and never will. They were very draining people and extremely devious and bitter and jealous. I had no time for them in the end. Best thing I ever done. But the fact you want to see her means you should just go for it.
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 16th Jun 17, 10:17 AM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    • #8
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:17 AM
    • #8
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:17 AM
    hi,

    my mum didnt speak with her sister for arounfld 10 years or so after my cousin passed away and things got too much for my aunty, my auntie then found out she had found a lump in breast and she rang my mum (my mum is the oldee sister) they spoke and now see each other all the time even though my mum was heartbroke when she stopped talking and a little mad. she just said she is my baby sister and i love her xx good luck
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 16th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    • 6,851 Posts
    • 8,437 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    • #9
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    • #9
    • 16th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    Ive recently net up with my dad and sister after years of virtually no contact.

    Very easy in the end.
    • Clowns and Jugglers
    • By Clowns and Jugglers 16th Jun 17, 10:57 AM
    • 51 Posts
    • 96 Thanks
    Clowns and Jugglers
    This week has hit me hard

    My sister who I have estranged from for 3 years has been caught up in Grenfell. She teaches in the local school, lives just four streets away, knows many of the residents


    At the same time my sister in law is taken into hospital having her breast removed due to breast cancer. She is estranged from her two sisters. She's a long road ahead of her without her sisters


    The past years have just flown by. We all have busy lives, very rarely do I have time to reflect on the fact that we sisters haven't spoken. However this week it's really hit me that she is my sister and I do love her


    I don't want to talk about why we stopped talking, it's done,what I am asking is has anyone been in this position and managed to build bridges? And how?

    i don't need a hard time over this, just seeking others experiences really
    Originally posted by Cupcake Returns
    No not really, but there must have been a reason you all stopped talking. Has that reason ceased to exist? Have they (or you) changed their ways?
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 16th Jun 17, 11:07 AM
    • 13,454 Posts
    • 25,564 Thanks
    onlyroz
    No not really, but there must have been a reason you all stopped talking. Has that reason ceased to exist? Have they (or you) changed their ways?
    Originally posted by Clowns and Jugglers
    There isn't always a specific reason. Just because people are relatives doesn't mean that you have anything in common with them, and want to socialise with them.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 16th Jun 17, 12:52 PM
    • 22,296 Posts
    • 57,181 Thanks
    pollypenny
    My youngest sister spent all her adult life not talking to someone. Since our father died in 2003 it was me.

    I am considerably older and OH. And I spoiled her when she was little.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 16th Jun 17, 3:23 PM
    • 1,171 Posts
    • 1,203 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I'm an only child so have no direct experience. I'd say it depends why you fell out. Was it over one particular thing? Did you used to get on? Is it nothing in particular just life getting in the way?
    I think if I found myself in this situation, I'd write a little card just to say your thinking of her and then see what happens.
    My husband fell out with his brother then made up then fell out and so on. Been 2 years since they spoke last. In their case my brother in law is not a very nice person and its less stressful just to ignore him. Being family doesn't guarantee you will get on. On the other hand my friend fell out with her dad, both being stubborn, neither made the first move and then unfortunately the dad died without them having been reconciled.
    Decide what sort of relationship is right. You can still be civil without living in each others pocket.
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 16th Jun 17, 3:30 PM
    • 7,123 Posts
    • 9,933 Thanks
    KxMx
    Things went south between me & my Dad after I grew tired of his stepchildren always being put first, and him making little to no effort with me.

    (Many years and many things but that's the simplest explanation),

    I acknowledged faults my side and when I asked for us both to have time to think "nothing for me to think about" was the reply, he didn't see anything wrong with his behaviour.

    I tried again a few months later and was told he had forgotten what we fell out over ( I'm clearly so important to him! )

    I left well alone then, sent cards for Birthday, thanked him for Christmas present etc, not much else.

    With time i missed him, because he is my Dad and I love him. I've never doubted his love for me but it was the way he showed that love with at times complete indifference to me.

    The step children then moved out.

    We both took tentative steps and have more contact now, lots of which comes from his efforts, which is a big deal.

    I do believe if the the step children had not moved out things would not have improved. A tiny part of me resents this, but I am going to be the bigger person and move forward, enjoying the relationship we have now.
    • Clowns and Jugglers
    • By Clowns and Jugglers 16th Jun 17, 3:33 PM
    • 51 Posts
    • 96 Thanks
    Clowns and Jugglers
    There isn't always a specific reason. Just because people are relatives doesn't mean that you have anything in common with them, and want to socialise with them.
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    In OP's case they've had some sort of falling-out I think. It's not just a case of distant cousins losing contact or whatever.
    • Clowns and Jugglers
    • By Clowns and Jugglers 16th Jun 17, 3:36 PM
    • 51 Posts
    • 96 Thanks
    Clowns and Jugglers
    Things went south between me & my Dad after I grew tired of his stepchildren always being put first, and him making little to no effort with me.

    (Many years and many things but that's the simplest explanation),

    I acknowledged faults my side and when I asked for us both to have time to think "nothing for me to think about" was the reply, he didn't see anything wrong with his behaviour.

    I tried again a few months later and was told he had forgotten what we fell out over ( I'm clearly so important to him! )

    I left well alone then, sent cards for Birthday, thanked him for Christmas present etc, not much else.

    With time i missed him, because he is my Dad and I love him. I've never doubted his love for me but it was the way he showed that love with at times complete indifference to me.

    The step children then moved out.

    We both took tentative steps and have more contact now, lots of which comes from his efforts, which is a big deal.

    I do believe if the the step children had not moved out things would not have improved. A tiny part of me resents this, but I am going to be the bigger person and move forward, enjoying the relationship we have now.
    Originally posted by KxMx
    So YOU resented your step-siblings, thus putting your dad in an awkward position?
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 16th Jun 17, 3:40 PM
    • 7,123 Posts
    • 9,933 Thanks
    KxMx
    So YOU resented your step-siblings, thus putting your dad in an awkward position?
    Originally posted by Clowns and Jugglers
    Not them personally no, after all it was Dad who chose where his time & energy was spent. It would be silly to blame step siblings for his choices!
    • JulieElizabeth
    • By JulieElizabeth 16th Jun 17, 4:37 PM
    • 1,900 Posts
    • 27,781 Thanks
    JulieElizabeth
    I haven't spoken to my sister in about 8 years after the way she treated my mother. No inclination to make contact whatsoever.


    I consider myself an only child
    NO MORE HANDWASH GLITCHES PLEASE
    • SamsReturn
    • By SamsReturn 16th Jun 17, 4:50 PM
    • 1,057 Posts
    • 1,891 Thanks
    SamsReturn

    I said maybe she just wanted to bury the hatchet after
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I fell out with one of my Sisters, after my Mum died .............
    I'd love to bury the hatchet if i thought i could get away with it.
    • Rosieandjim
    • By Rosieandjim 16th Jun 17, 6:06 PM
    • 78 Posts
    • 99 Thanks
    Rosieandjim
    I fell out with one of my Sisters, after my Mum died .............
    I'd love to bury the hatchet if i thought i could get away with it.
    Originally posted by SamsReturn

    I shouldn't laugh
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