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    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    • 117Posts
    • 60Thanks
    cherry123
    after some advice
    • #1
    • 15th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    after some advice 15th Jun 17 at 9:56 AM
    hi
    wonder if i can get some opinions and help. i am living with my partner and my 3 children aged 12 13 17 thing is my partner has a very bad alcohol problem and when he is drunk he is nasty and adbusive, up to now ive just brushed it under the carpet and tried to get on with things. about 2 weeks ago something clicked inside me and i havent spoken to him once unless i needed too. ive been looking for somewhere to live. thing is on monday we had a long talk and he said he had realised just how close to losing us he has come and said he will stop drinking and change and upto now he has. yesterday i got offered a council house of my own as i cant stay where i am as its in his name and im not sure he would sign it over. im now at a loss i want to believe him but the other half of me says he will let me down and ive been through all this already with my childrens dad who passed away from alcoholism. i am so confused x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
Page 2
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 15th Jun 17, 4:37 PM
    • 465 Posts
    • 455 Thanks
    badmemory
    Firstly one whiff of alcohol and bolt the new door. As for helping him out, I hope you don't mean financially as that boot should be firmly on the other foot.

    You don't say if your children are boys or girls or a mix. I think they are always the most worrying in this sort of thing. After all we are adults and make our choices, but we also make these decisions for our children. Children should not be seeing what they are seeing and should certainly not have to be on the receiving end of it. You have the choice to stop that.

    When children see bad behaviour they can have different reactions to it. Boys can say either it is acceptable for me to act that way as my mother accepted it so it must be okay or hopefully say to themselves I would never behave like that. Girls can say it is acceptable that I am treated so badly or say no way would I accept that. The trouble is you have no way of knowing which way they will go. In my family, one daughter went one way and the other - the other.

    The only one who has a choice here is you.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 15th Jun 17, 5:15 PM
    • 9,095 Posts
    • 11,394 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Be prepared for him to chuck a whole load of blame your way when you do leave and he gets back on it. Alcoholics don't like to blame themselves for putting a glass to their lips.


    Good luck. I think you're doing the right thing. You know you're worth more than that.


    Out of interest, is he a drinker at home or elsewhere (pub?)?


    XX
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 9:09 PM
    • 117 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    cherry123
    he hasnt always drank as much it has crept up year by year and what a mean thing to say how was i supposed to know what was going to happen in the future, i came for help not to be judged what has happened. and my first partner started drinking after the death of our child.
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 15th Jun 17, 9:12 PM
    • 1,307 Posts
    • 2,784 Thanks
    Loz01
    Take the house - if you don't and the situation gets even worse you'll be kicking yourself about it as you might not get another chance of a property!! It'll be somewhere stable for you and your children.
    It's not God I have a problem with... it's his fan club.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 15th Jun 17, 9:21 PM
    • 1,419 Posts
    • 2,915 Thanks
    harrys nan
    Hi cherry my dad was abusive when drinking which was frequently. I wish my mum had had the opportunity and courage to leave him it would have been so much better for us. Less money but not living in fear all the time. After a bad bout there were always treats but he never stopped the abuse
    Originally posted by borkid

    I second this, I wish my mum had had the same help, there is nothing worse than living in fear as a child, not knowing who was going to be the next one to get hit. My mum did eventually get away, but I have to say all I ever wanted was to be taken into care away from it all.
    I'm going back a long time ago, back to the 70's
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 9:44 PM
    • 117 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    cherry123
    just at home he rarely goes out x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 15th Jun 17, 9:57 PM
    • 1,502 Posts
    • 2,256 Thanks
    Robisere
    Take the house and take the children. Give him back any keys you have, once you have all your stuff. If he wants to visit and you wish to allow that, make it once a week on YOUR terms. Do not give him any keys to your new home.

    I am cheered by the fact that you realise that the children are more important to you than anything you may still feel for this man. Those feelings for him will be for the man he was, not the man he is now.

    Good luck in your new start, make sure the children know what you are doing and why you are doing it. They, and you, need security and a stable home life now.
    There may be more than one way to skin a cat.
    But the result is always inedible.

    • borkid
    • By borkid 15th Jun 17, 11:45 PM
    • 1,416 Posts
    • 2,595 Thanks
    borkid
    I second this, I wish my mum had had the same help, there is nothing worse than living in fear as a child, not knowing who was going to be the next one to get hit. My mum did eventually get away, but I have to say all I ever wanted was to be taken into care away from it all.
    I'm going back a long time ago, back to the 70's
    Originally posted by harrys nan

    Mine was back in the 50s and 60s. I left home as soon as I could and never let my own children alone with their grandparents on the few occasions they saw them. It was only when they had both died that the nightmares stopped as well. So sad as life could have been so much better for all concerned.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 16th Jun 17, 7:18 AM
    • 1,229 Posts
    • 4,876 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    wishing you strength and all of my hope is with you
    May GC £215/£50 (oops)
    April 2016 GC: £24.09/ £20
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 16th Jun 17, 10:24 AM
    • 5,544 Posts
    • 7,263 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    as others have said, take the house, *don't* give your partner keys . If you decide to keep seeing him, then do so at his home, that way if he is drinking or becomes aggressive you can leave.

    It can be hard, he may become aggressive or abusive (including emotional abuse or blackmail) and try to blame you. don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that his problems or behaviour are your responsibility.

    You may find it helpful to remind yourself that you are teaching your children by example. If you stay with him, or if you continue to see him despite his abusive behavior, the message you give them, and that they will take into their own adult less, is that abusive behaviour is normal and acceptable in a relationship.

    By leaving, and protecting yourself and them from his abuse, you teach them that it is not, that that no-one should tolerate being treated in that way, and that treating a person like that is not OK.

    I strongly recommend that you split from him completely. This is a person who is abusive - he may change, but it is not an easy or a quick process.

    If you decide to carry on seeing him then ask yourself - how much has he really changed? Is he going to AA or other support groups? Has he spoken to his GP to ask about anger management classes / counselling? Does he acknowledge that he has been abusive to you or does he see this as solely an issue around his alcohol use?
    Even if he is able to change, do you actually want to be with someone who has treated you and your children in that way
    • Clowns and Jugglers
    • By Clowns and Jugglers 16th Jun 17, 11:01 AM
    • 55 Posts
    • 94 Thanks
    Clowns and Jugglers
    he hasnt always drank as much it has crept up year by year and what a mean thing to say how was i supposed to know what was going to happen in the future, i came for help not to be judged what has happened. and my first partner started drinking after the death of our child.
    Originally posted by cherry123
    But presumably you DIDN'T start drinking. You dealt with the tragedy in better ways.

    My concern is, you're still making excuses for these men.

    Not much point in giving advice, because you don't want to hear it. You'll no doubt refuse the council house because partner #2 will tell you it'll be your fault if he has to go back to drinking again to ease the loneliness.

    You can't help some people
    • mildredalien
    • By mildredalien 16th Jun 17, 11:47 AM
    • 1,041 Posts
    • 2,198 Thanks
    mildredalien
    But presumably you DIDN'T start drinking. You dealt with the tragedy in better ways.

    My concern is, you're still making excuses for these men.

    Not much point in giving advice, because you don't want to hear it. You'll no doubt refuse the council house because partner #2 will tell you it'll be your fault if he has to go back to drinking again to ease the loneliness.

    You can't help some people
    Originally posted by Clowns and Jugglers
    Clearly cherry is asking for help right now and has taken on board the advice of everyone so far, so this seems quite uncalled for.

    It can be hugely difficult to recognise that just because a partner used to be a certain way, they are no longer that way now - particularly as being an alcoholic or even abusive doesn't make a person 100% entirely bad, it means they are making bad choices.

    However, this does not in any way take away from his responsibility to be a good partner and father, or that it is his behaviour that is causing the problem NOT YOURS. It will likely be very difficult for him to change, and if you fear for your safety and wellbeing or that of your children, the best possible move is to leave and create distance. If you feel you want to support him to make changes then that's fine. Just because he says he will change though, doesn't mean he will, and there will be a lot of work before it would be right for you to go fully back into the relationship.

    Whatever happens from now on, remember that it is his responsibility to change his attitude and behaviour, and you are not responsible for his choices.

    [B]Savings target: £25000/£25000


    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 16th Jun 17, 1:44 PM
    • 465 Posts
    • 455 Thanks
    badmemory
    Unfortunately, unpleasant things can happen around alcoholics, they don't mean them to, they just do. Even one who is an 'I love the whole world' sort type of drunk. I had a work colleague many years ago with this kind of alcoholic partner, she loved him and apart from being drunk most of the time, everything was just fine, no abuse of any kind. Then one day her teenage daughter got home from school to find him dead at the bottom of the stairs virtually naked. He'd fallen down the full flight.

    So you really need to think about protecting your children because it wasn't the daughter who suffered as a result of what she saw which is what you would expect but the older teenage son who went completely off the rails. Neither of them needed that in their lives, your children don't either.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 16th Jun 17, 3:13 PM
    • 984 Posts
    • 965 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I can see you are doing this because you want to protect your kids and that's really brave. I would say move. What have you to lose? Moving doesn't mean you have to split up, but moving will protect your kids, show them how Strong you are and teach them its not acceptable to put up with abuse. Even if they don't say anything, living with an alcoholic could really leave them with long term mental scars. Kids who see abuse, violence etc are more likely to end up in similar relationships as adults too. Take the house and start living the life you deserve. By all means help your partner, but if he really loves you and the kids I think he will understand your choice.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 16th Jun 17, 4:45 PM
    • 697 Posts
    • 931 Thanks
    chesky
    When you move in - and I really hope you do - I know it takes great courage sometimes to strike out on your own, so make sure you're getting any benefit you're entitled to, such as housing benefit and council tax support. Citizens Advice will help.
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 16th Jun 17, 9:30 PM
    • 117 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    cherry123
    thank you everyone, i have been and viewed the house today and i am signing the tenancy on monday. house is nice just needs decorating ��. one let down there is no bath just what they call a wet room �� i have a bath to hide from kids for half an hour or so lol. oh and my crb check came back so i can start my new job soon with any luck as ill need to extra money. just to clarify they are not his children all 3 are mine from.my 1st relationship and no I DID NOT start drinking i had two small children to focus on at the time.
    Last edited by cherry123; 16-06-2017 at 9:33 PM.
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 16th Jun 17, 9:36 PM
    • 1,202 Posts
    • 2,974 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    That's great news, well done, shame about the bath but maybe you can put one in later if there's room?

    Onwards and upwards. x
    • fabforty
    • By fabforty 17th Jun 17, 1:03 PM
    • 715 Posts
    • 2,965 Thanks
    fabforty
    Great news, I'm sure you'll be happy in your new home xxx
    • ognum
    • By ognum 17th Jun 17, 2:02 PM
    • 4,447 Posts
    • 6,655 Thanks
    ognum
    thank you everyone, i have been and viewed the house today and i am signing the tenancy on monday. house is nice just needs decorating ��. one let down there is no bath just what they call a wet room �� i have a bath to hide from kids for half an hour or so lol. oh and my crb check came back so i can start my new job soon with any luck as ill need to extra money. just to clarify they are not his children all 3 are mine from.my 1st relationship and no I DID NOT start drinking i had two small children to focus on at the time.
    Originally posted by cherry123
    Cherry, well done. There is no need for anyone hear to be judgemental or unpleasant. You have been through some difficult years but you have taken the chance to put yourself and your children first and be an independent strong woman.

    Well done, I hope you have a happy home. Maybe just need to find some other way to relax than the bath. Perhaps create a peaceful bedroom space and read a good book.

    Good luck
    • ERICS MUM
    • By ERICS MUM 17th Jun 17, 2:35 PM
    • 3,379 Posts
    • 6,305 Thanks
    ERICS MUM
    Your children are far more important than your relationship with your partner (sorry if overly brutal). Your kids are at a critical age, not good to expose them to nastiness like that.

    Good luck, you've got a tough road ahead but you'll manage, your children will get you through. Xx
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