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    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    • 117Posts
    • 62Thanks
    cherry123
    after some advice
    • #1
    • 15th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    after some advice 15th Jun 17 at 9:56 AM
    hi
    wonder if i can get some opinions and help. i am living with my partner and my 3 children aged 12 13 17 thing is my partner has a very bad alcohol problem and when he is drunk he is nasty and adbusive, up to now ive just brushed it under the carpet and tried to get on with things. about 2 weeks ago something clicked inside me and i havent spoken to him once unless i needed too. ive been looking for somewhere to live. thing is on monday we had a long talk and he said he had realised just how close to losing us he has come and said he will stop drinking and change and upto now he has. yesterday i got offered a council house of my own as i cant stay where i am as its in his name and im not sure he would sign it over. im now at a loss i want to believe him but the other half of me says he will let me down and ive been through all this already with my childrens dad who passed away from alcoholism. i am so confused x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
Page 1
    • ognum
    • By ognum 15th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    • 4,459 Posts
    • 6,684 Thanks
    ognum
    • #2
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    • #2
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    I don't think there is any confusion needed. I would accept the council house and move in with your children. Give your partner the time and space to change and see if he does.

    If he does you can reassess your relationship but until then you and your children need somewhere safe, secure and your own.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 15th Jun 17, 10:04 AM
    • 6,586 Posts
    • 8,077 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    • #3
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:04 AM
    • #3
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:04 AM
    I'd be amazed if he can stop drinking without professional help.

    My gut reaction to your situation is to take the council house, challenge him to prove he can reform and perhaps see him once a week to find out how he's doing.

    That distance might be exactly what you need to understand your own feelings.
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 10:06 AM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    • #4
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:06 AM
    • #4
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:06 AM
    thank u deep down i know what i need to do its finding the courage to leap x ive been very lucky the house ive been offered is not too far from where we are now so kids school n friends will still be around x ive also no one to really talk too about it all x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 15th Jun 17, 10:21 AM
    • 1,420 Posts
    • 3,541 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    • #5
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:21 AM
    • #5
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:21 AM
    Definitely take the house.

    If your partner turns out to be one if the very few alcoholics who is able to turn it around and fully recover, permanently, then you can start again in a few years time and take it slow.

    It's far more likely that he'll make an attempt but not succeed and will stay just as he is for the rest of his life. It's very sad, but you have to protect yourself and your children from going through that again.
    • jewelly
    • By jewelly 15th Jun 17, 10:30 AM
    • 462 Posts
    • 603 Thanks
    jewelly
    • #6
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:30 AM
    • #6
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:30 AM
    I think you may benefit from contacting Al-anon which can give you support. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
    • chesky
    • By chesky 15th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    • 720 Posts
    • 976 Thanks
    chesky
    • #7
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    • #7
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:33 AM
    Moving into your own place doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship but it will be on your terms. You can invite him in if you want, or just keep him out if he fails to live up to his promise. It will be YOUR decision.
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 10:41 AM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    • #8
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:41 AM
    • #8
    • 15th Jun 17, 10:41 AM
    Thank you everyone im viewing it tomorrow so hopefully will be able to sign for the tenancy on monday next week. xx have to admit im a little scared to be honest x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • borkid
    • By borkid 15th Jun 17, 11:00 AM
    • 1,444 Posts
    • 2,668 Thanks
    borkid
    • #9
    • 15th Jun 17, 11:00 AM
    • #9
    • 15th Jun 17, 11:00 AM
    Hi cherry my dad was abusive when drinking which was frequently. I wish my mum had had the opportunity and courage to leave him it would have been so much better for us. Less money but not living in fear all the time. After a bad bout there were always treats but he never stopped the abuse
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 11:13 AM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    thank you everyone. i lve done nothing but think about things this last few weeks. i left my childrens dad for the exact same reasons and he died 7 years ago
    Ive been with my partner 9 years now and know deep down he isnt a bad person but drink alters him so much. need to pick myself up dust myself down and be me again cos to be honest ive shut all my family away due to embrassement that it was happening again. xxx
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 15th Jun 17, 11:47 AM
    • 6,586 Posts
    • 8,077 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    thank you everyone. i lve done nothing but think about things this last few weeks. i left my childrens dad for the exact same reasons and he died 7 years ago
    Ive been with my partner 9 years now and know deep down he isnt a bad person but drink alters him so much. need to pick myself up dust myself down and be me again cos to be honest ive shut all my family away due to embrassement that it was happening again. xxx
    Originally posted by cherry123
    You'll feel liberated. Your kids will be in a better environment.

    Reach out to your family. Slowly if nervous. I found mine to be remarkable after I'd effectively cut them off for two decades.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 15th Jun 17, 11:50 AM
    • 3,081 Posts
    • 6,828 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I'd be amazed if he can stop drinking without professional help.
    Originally posted by PeacefulWaters
    You would be amazed at what some people discover they are capable of then, when faced with a life changing situation.

    I feel the OP should seriously consider taking the house (impressed at one being offered in two weeks, from what on of my friends posts on facebook about housing, I thought the waiting lists for council houses were more like 20 years), to give herself and her children stable accommodation and to allow the relationship to be rebuilt (if she wants that and if he can conquer the drinking problem) without the pressure of living together.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 11:57 AM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    thank you i have had my name down on our housing list for 13 years and always kept it current and upto date as a just in case.
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Teapot55
    • By Teapot55 15th Jun 17, 12:11 PM
    • 136 Posts
    • 128 Thanks
    Teapot55
    In my experience a person is more likely to beat their addiction if they have got someone who believes in them and supports them in what they are doing. That can be you and also friends who are on the same journey, so the advice above about Al-Anon looks good. I don't know much about Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) but I would imagine they are really good.

    When things go wrong in life, as they do, people looking to beat addiction need extra support. For instance, will he still be able to pay all the bills on his place when you are no longer there? That will be a big help if he can, or some financial advice for him would be good if not. Maybe Citizen's Advice or from a trade union if he is in one.

    He is really lucky that he has got someone who cares about him, but I would definitely take the house & definitely not invite him to live with you. Like has already been said above, give it time. You can still be kind & loving to him when you do see him, and that will go a long way to improving things. You can still have a brilliant relationship with someone that you are not living with.

    Kind wishes
    • cherry123
    • By cherry123 15th Jun 17, 12:35 PM
    • 117 Posts
    • 62 Thanks
    cherry123
    i do love him very much but i love my kids more and they have heard and seen some shockng behavior from him. i.will help him.as much i can and he can affors to stay in our house as he does work full time and i dont mind helping him out x
    £365.00 in 365 day challenge = £5.00/£365.00:rolleyes:
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 15th Jun 17, 12:45 PM
    • 1,420 Posts
    • 3,541 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Good luck. X
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 15th Jun 17, 2:10 PM
    • 2,394 Posts
    • 2,253 Thanks
    cjdavies
    Staying is not fair on your children.
    • readingfan
    • By readingfan 15th Jun 17, 3:59 PM
    • 23 Posts
    • 57 Thanks
    readingfan
    Take the council house. Given that your poor children have already had to suffer two 'Dads' that have alcohol problems I'd suggest you concentrate on their needs and give men a miss.
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 15th Jun 17, 4:27 PM
    • 576 Posts
    • 795 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Let us know how the viewing goes tomorrow, good luck!

    You are doing the right thing for both the kids and you, and like others have said IF he turns it round you can re-look at a relationship down the line
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 15th Jun 17, 4:33 PM
    • 27,826 Posts
    • 70,678 Thanks
    Mojisola
    i left my childrens dad for the exact same reasons and he died 7 years ago

    Ive been with my partner 9 years now and know deep down he isnt a bad person but drink alters him so much.
    Originally posted by cherry123
    Given that your poor children have already had to suffer two 'Dads' that have alcohol problems I'd suggest you concentrate on their needs and give men a miss.
    Originally posted by readingfan
    Once you get settled in your new home, get some help to sort out why you've chosen a man with the same problem for a second time.

    In the meantime, take readingfan's advice.
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