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  • FIRST POST
    • Captain_Charisma
    • By Captain_Charisma 14th Jun 17, 10:54 AM
    • 38Posts
    • 25Thanks
    Captain_Charisma
    My Girlfriend Cheated
    • #1
    • 14th Jun 17, 10:54 AM
    My Girlfriend Cheated 14th Jun 17 at 10:54 AM
    Backstory; Been together 2 years, live together.

    Long story short, my girlfriend has cheated on me - she slept with a coworker. When she told me she packed her bags and left, refused to discuss the situation with me.

    I forgive her, and want to continue our relationship.

    She however, cannot forgive herself. She is racked with guilt and is disgusted with herself. She told me that everytime she sees me she gets angry becasue of what she's done to me, us. She tells me that I deserve better. She still won't see me face to face - all our communication is done by text.

    As I said above, I forgive her and want our relationship to continue, I don't want a mistake to be the end of us. I really want for us to be able to sit down and discuss things with her and see where we go from here. Is there anything I can do/ say to convince her that speaking about things may help?

    I'm lost, I need advice.
Page 1
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 14th Jun 17, 11:33 AM
    • 2,274 Posts
    • 6,154 Thanks
    clairec79
    • #2
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:33 AM
    • #2
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:33 AM
    She's not your girlfriend any more she's your ex

    In truth she probably had already mentally checked out of the relationship before she cheated, and the cheating may even have been a way for her to end it
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 14th Jun 17, 11:40 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:40 AM
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:40 AM
    How long ago was this?
    • KateySW
    • By KateySW 14th Jun 17, 11:49 AM
    • 99 Posts
    • 149 Thanks
    KateySW
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:49 AM
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 17, 11:49 AM
    Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time what an awful thing to happen.

    It sounds to me like your ex has already accepted the relationship as dead, at least right now. Whether she feels that way in time to come is a different issue, but in this situation I really don't think it should be you chasing after her and trying to patch things up. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to carry on the relationship right now and that's that, however painful.

    You deserve to be treated well by someone and if she doesn't think the relationship has any legs in it, even if you got back together you would not be happy. The impetus has to be on both sides to fix it if there's any chance it can work.

    So, leave it be (as impossible as that might feel right now) and do what you need to do to look after yourself: surround yourself with family and friends who you can rant/cry/talk to and get the emotional support you really need. Make plans with family or friends. Watch rubbish comedy films in your pyjamas and eat as much junk food as you can manage. Read books, go on days out. Do anything that lifts you up, even temporarily. It all helps.

    It'll be really tough and it'll feel s***, but gradually, as time passes, it will start to feel less s***, trust me.Take care.
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 14th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    • 3,289 Posts
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    Malthusian
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:19 PM
    She doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore. But she thinks it's easier on you if she takes all the blame for ending the relationship. She wants you to be the one who chucks her for cheating, instead of her to be the one who leaves because she isn't into you anymore.

    If she wanted to continue the relationship she would have already accepted your forgiveness.

    Or not, I am making some heavy assumptions from a small number of facts. But if you assume the relationship is over and are wrong then it doesn't matter as you will be back together, whereas if you assume the relationship is still going and are wrong then you will waste a lot of emotional energy on a lost cause.

    If it was me I would ask her to meet in person on neutral ground - a coffee, whatever - and tell her that I have accepted that the relationship is over, but I want to see her in person and not let the last conversation be an unhappy series of text messages. If what she's told you via text isn't what she really thinks you'll find out then. Then you'll have done all you can.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 14th Jun 17, 12:26 PM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:26 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:26 PM
    OP if you are willing to forgive this immediately without question, it's going to have a double effect:


    1: Your ex girlfriend will think you don't care about the relationship. If you can forgive betrayal so easily, you aren't really invested in it.
    2: She's going to do it again.


    Take some time to be just you.
    • Captain_Charisma
    • By Captain_Charisma 14th Jun 17, 12:37 PM
    • 38 Posts
    • 25 Thanks
    Captain_Charisma
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:37 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:37 PM
    If it was me I would ask her to meet in person on neutral ground - a coffee, whatever - and tell her that I have accepted that the relationship is over, but I want to see her in person and not let the last conversation be an unhappy series of text messages. If what she's told you via text isn't what she really thinks you'll find out then. Then you'll have done all you can.
    Originally posted by Malthusian
    This is exactly what I want, just a chat, face to face, so far she has declined to meet for reasons stated in the OP, hopefully she'll mellow and we can talk
    • tizerbelle
    • By tizerbelle 14th Jun 17, 12:45 PM
    • 1,463 Posts
    • 3,126 Thanks
    tizerbelle
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:45 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 17, 12:45 PM
    You need to step back. She doesn't want to meet you to talk face to face, if she did you would have already. Stop contacting her. You can not force the continuation of a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it anymore.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jun 17, 1:42 PM
    • 9,798 Posts
    • 12,420 Thanks
    hazyjo
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 17, 1:42 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 17, 1:42 PM
    Is she still with the co-worker or was it a one night stand?


    Maybe she told friends and family that it was you who slept with someone to avoid awkward questions and would find it hard going back on what she said.


    Who knows!


    From your posts, the only thing that does seem obvious is that she doesn't want to see you. When you say 'all our conversation' - what sort of conversation? You asking her about meeting up/getting back together?


    Were you renting? Bought? Deal with the practical side. If joint, she can't just leave. She'll prob be jointly liable.


    Sounds like she's just trying to let you down (again) gently rather than say she's not interested. If she's told you otherwise, try to meet her somewhere neutral.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • IAmWales
    • By IAmWales 14th Jun 17, 2:26 PM
    • 1,647 Posts
    • 3,404 Thanks
    IAmWales
    Have a read of the thread from the last time you were in this situation.

    The same advice applies now.
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 14th Jun 17, 2:53 PM
    • 1,277 Posts
    • 1,943 Thanks
    suejb2
    Relationship
    Blimey, you don't have much luck with relationships do you? Reading your other post from a few years back I'd leave the ladies alone for a while!
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 14th Jun 17, 6:33 PM
    • 1,296 Posts
    • 1,322 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I'd leave it be. She cheated, admitted it ( she could have kept it secret if she wanted to carry in the relationship) and left of her own accord. To me that's 3 reasons not to get back. Its easy to say ' you deserve better' etc and to appear angry but if she cared about you that much she wouldn't have done it to being with. Be glad you were not married / have kids.
    Sometimes it easier to try and save something than make a fresh start but long term why waste time with someone you can't trust and who doesn't respect you?
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 14th Jun 17, 7:13 PM
    • 16,065 Posts
    • 39,930 Thanks
    FBaby
    If she wanted to continue the relationship she would have already accepted your forgiveness.
    That, definitely that. You need to accept she doesn't want to be with you any longer. Painful, but inevitable.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 17, 10:41 PM
    • 2,508 Posts
    • 6,098 Thanks
    ska lover
    People don't cheat on a partner that they do not want to risk losing

    She's not as in to you, as you are to her, you deserve someone equally invested

    Sorry mate but you need to let this one go
    Blah blah blah.
    • C_Mababejive
    • By C_Mababejive 15th Jun 17, 7:16 AM
    • 10,295 Posts
    • 9,340 Thanks
    C_Mababejive
    Ditch her,stop texting and deal with it. Move on.
    Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 15th Jun 17, 7:28 AM
    • 1,361 Posts
    • 5,730 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    You need to learn when a thing is over. It is not about what YOU want and you are not entitled to have anyone back.

    This is over. Let it go.

    Read your comment on the last page of this - "what was I thinking?" - and try to apply it here

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4428013
    Downsized and mortgage free
    Nov17 grocery challenge £133.10/£150
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 15th Jun 17, 8:15 AM
    • 3,468 Posts
    • 12,514 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    my girlfriend has cheated on me - she slept with a coworker. When she told me she packed her bags and left, refused to discuss the situation with me
    Originally posted by Captain_Charisma
    I have a strong feeling that she did nothing of the sort, just told you that she had as a way out of a situation that she couldn't quite handle. Have you any evidence of the cheating, other than what she said to you?

    I have to say, as gently as I can, that your willingness to forgive while having almost no information nor serious discussion about the matter and therefore (presumably) no deep understanding of what has gone wrong in the relationship would make me feel that you are a needy partner...and that can become a smothering situation. Something for you to consider, perhaps?

    I'm sorry for your trouble and wish you happier times ahead.
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