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  • FIRST POST
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
    • 1,350Posts
    • 3,887Thanks
    Oakdene
    How long before you move in together
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
    How long before you move in together 13th Jun 17 at 11:11 AM
    Hi All

    Just after some thoughts/views on how long into a relationship people wait before considering moving in. I know everyone is different but I am not ready to move in with my OH (been going out a year next month) & we do both have a child/children from previous marriages whereas my OH is really pushing it. I do see my future with her but I am just not ready to move in at the moment,whereas she is but she is taking it very badly when I say I am not ready.
Page 3
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 4:17 PM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    But you didn't call her out on booking your wedding?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    I told her I wasnt happy that we werent even engaged & also the fact that I hadnt even been consulted
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 4:20 PM
    • 1,893 Posts
    • 5,200 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    She booked it & showed me the confirmation email from the venue.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    But you posted about being unsure about moving in and didn't mention that she'd unilaterally booked a wedding!
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 4:32 PM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    But you posted about being unsure about moving in and didn't mention that she'd unilaterally booked a wedding!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I told her & have always maintained that I would never get engaged until we lived together as there is no possible way to know whether it works. TBH in all of the headspin today my brain is fried & I apologise I didnt mention that earlier.

    Anyhow her actions on social media & this afternoon have really assured me, along with you guys, that I have made the right choice.
    • *max*
    • By *max* 14th Jun 17, 5:12 PM
    • 2,815 Posts
    • 13,215 Thanks
    *max*
    Forgot to add that she had set a date & put a deposit down on our wedding (despite the fact we are not engaged).
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    She's not just manipulative and immature, she also has a screw loose! Who does that??

    Definitely a lucky escape. Jesus...
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 14th Jun 17, 6:22 PM
    • 225 Posts
    • 442 Thanks
    Aced2016
    She is more crazy than I though. You need to ask yourself why did she want you to buy the house and get married. Was it to show on social media or to get one up on the ex.

    I know many people now specifically staging things to show off on social media ! Beyond sad but very true. I honestly think you'd be crazy to go back !

    Spend good time with your kids, eat good even go away for a weekend !

    And think of the role model you need to be to your kids. You and their mum split, then your ex threw your daughter out. Then you moved in with your partner which sadly didn't work and then met this current woman. I would get some roots and make real good quality time with your kids. Then like I say when your in a good place, meet someone decent ! Someone with similar interests, someone who is classy and has manners. Don't settle for someone for the sake of it. Only settle for the best !!
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 14th Jun 17, 7:11 PM
    • 16,083 Posts
    • 39,949 Thanks
    FBaby
    So really what she wanted was the security of marriage, maybe financial protection in addition to emotional? Could it be that this was more a driving force for your relationship than her feelings for you?
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 14th Jun 17, 9:59 PM
    • 4,515 Posts
    • 6,080 Thanks
    74jax
    I had a child from another relationship and so didn't want to rush things. Certainly not before I knew we would get married - I never wanted to get married, so we never lived together.

    After about 8 years something changed, dad became ill. We decided to engaged and live together for a year before the wedding. Do about 8 years for us, married at 9 years.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 14th Jun 17, 10:03 PM
    • 4,515 Posts
    • 6,080 Thanks
    74jax
    Wooooooi just read the thread. Ignore my post, not relevant.

    Lucky escape.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • justme111
    • By justme111 15th Jun 17, 8:25 AM
    • 2,856 Posts
    • 2,745 Thanks
    justme111
    So she has booked a wedding without you knowing about it and you still stayed with her until now ?
    Not only she has a screw lose , you need your head examining so you may be a match.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 15th Jun 17, 8:35 AM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Thanks all, have decided that my children need to come first & that whilst I am really hurting now I can't go back for the sake of comfort.
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 15th Jun 17, 1:54 PM
    • 225 Posts
    • 442 Thanks
    Aced2016
    Good for you !

    May not seem like it now, but your doing yourself a massive favour.

    Good luck to you and your kids
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 19th Jun 17, 11:20 AM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    The worst feeling in the world is wanting this to work so very much but knowing that it cant
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 19th Jun 17, 11:47 AM
    • 450 Posts
    • 1,128 Thanks
    davidwood123
    In this day and age, don't get married until you've lived together first
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 19th Jun 17, 12:47 PM
    • 5,692 Posts
    • 27,976 Thanks
    bugslet
    Bit late, but in answer to the OPs first question, around 7 years - no point rushing things!

    I'd not rush into anything just yet, the kids needs stability

    Sounds like you had a lucky escape!
    • justme111
    • By justme111 19th Jun 17, 12:53 PM
    • 2,856 Posts
    • 2,745 Thanks
    justme111
    The worst feeling in the world is wanting this to work so very much but knowing that it cant
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Well all been there.
    You not thinking straight though - she shown you who she is and you still mopping after her ?
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 19th Jun 17, 1:00 PM
    • 8,638 Posts
    • 15,516 Thanks
    calleyw
    Well all been there.
    You not thinking straight though - she shown you who she is and you still mopping after her ?
    Originally posted by justme111
    Oakdene,

    I agree with Justme.

    if it was going to work it would have done from the start. Unless there was some extreme circumstances.

    Don't waste your time and energy on this and her. I know its so hard. But don't go back under any circumstances. You are hurting and the whole what if. If you had done this or done that it would be different. Nope. I learned the hard way and it broke me. I thought I was too messed up to ever have a relationship again.

    Now I am so happy now with my new partner. More than I would have been with the other person who messed me around for 4 years. Yes you did read that correctly 4 years. I was in love with them and thought things would change nope. Just more and more messing me about.

    Cut contact if you have not already. Dump her number and start living your life again.

    All the best.

    Yours

    Calley
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 19th Jun 17, 5:41 PM
    • 7,797 Posts
    • 26,138 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think you are right to be cautious. Where children are involved they need stability and security above everything else and to move them into a new environment where arguments still regularly take place os grossly unfair on them. They have no control over their future. You do so have a duty of care to them as priority.

    Whar are you arguing about. Are they the sort of issues which risk continuing after you share a home together? Be very cautious. Blending home, families and two ways of life is not as simple as one might imagine and if you are having doibts after a year of knowing each other this would wave a very big red flag for me.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 22nd Jun 17, 10:01 AM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    I think you are right to be cautious. Where children are involved they need stability and security above everything else and to move them into a new environment where arguments still regularly take place os grossly unfair on them. They have no control over their future. You do so have a duty of care to them as priority.

    Whar are you arguing about. Are they the sort of issues which risk continuing after you share a home together? Be very cautious. Blending home, families and two ways of life is not as simple as one might imagine and if you are having doibts after a year of knowing each other this would wave a very big red flag for me.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Sorry Primrose, I thought I'd replied to you. We are arguing about things that happened months ago & that I thought we'd moved on from but sadly I dont think we have as she argued very publically with me in a pub a few weeks ago which left me feeling very humiliated. I really thought she was the one as she is so very good with my kids & I am the same with hers.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 22nd Jun 17, 10:15 AM
    • 7,797 Posts
    • 26,138 Thanks
    Primrose
    Yes, but how do your respect kids feel about this? You will be asking them to share a home with somebody else that they have previously had exclusive use of. It may work for you but you need to climb into their shoes and find out how they feel. They may have a surprisingly different perspective. What may work for weekend visits may definitely not work for them on a full time basis.


    It sounds as if you still have unresolved issues of resentment which need to be resolved. Put the whole project on ice in case they're like a smouldering fire just waiting for another issue to start fanning the flames again.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 22nd Jun 17, 10:34 AM
    • 1,350 Posts
    • 3,887 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Yes, but how do your respect kids feel about this? You will be asking them to share a home with somebody else that they have previously had exclusive use of. It may work for you but you need to climb into their shoes and find out how they feel. They may have a surprisingly different perspective. What may work for weekend visits may definitely not work for them on a full time basis.


    It sounds as if you still have unresolved issues of resentment which need to be resolved. Put the whole project on ice in case they're like a smouldering fire just waiting for another issue to start fanning the flames again.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    I think you're right, on the weekends it works well but as we both have 3 bed houses someone always ends up sleeping on a makeshift bed. There is a issue thats been thrown in that OH rents but I have bought so its not as simple for me to move into a bigger place with
    me as I would either have to sell up or rent it out.

    I think any chance may have gone as she has handed her notice in on her property & is moving to another town which is 31 miles away as to where she is which is 7 miles....
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