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    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
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    Oakdene
    How long before you move in together
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
    How long before you move in together 13th Jun 17 at 11:11 AM
    Hi All

    Just after some thoughts/views on how long into a relationship people wait before considering moving in. I know everyone is different but I am not ready to move in with my OH (been going out a year next month) & we do both have a child/children from previous marriages whereas my OH is really pushing it. I do see my future with her but I am just not ready to move in at the moment,whereas she is but she is taking it very badly when I say I am not ready.
Page 2
    • svain
    • By svain 13th Jun 17, 11:02 PM
    • 152 Posts
    • 291 Thanks
    svain
    We are into our 6th year and no plans to move in yet. Will wait for children to leave education and into work. Another 8-10 years i think
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 14th Jun 17, 12:42 AM
    • 16,988 Posts
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    xXMessedUpXx
    as long as a piece of sting it differs for everyone

    for example i'd happily move in with my bf tomorrow (we've been together 2 years, about 18 months in he expressed that he wanted us to live together eventually). Personlly though i have debts and until those are paid iff moving in isn;t an option, i hope the debt will be paid off by next year so by then it will be three years we;ve been together.

    But then i know of people who moved in after 6 months who are blissfully happy.

    If you're not feeling ready though you need to explain that to her. Maybe say that you'll see where you are at 6 months down the line?
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
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    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 8:42 AM
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    Oakdene
    Thank you all for your replies & thoughts, ultimately it is now irrelevant as we had yet anohter argument last night & I said I cant do this anymore - she left & has done all the social media update to single, removing pics etc. Have had texts saying she hopes I am happy because her 6 year old daughter is sad she wont see me any more & she hopes I am proud of myself for not thinking of the children.
    • justme111
    • By justme111 14th Jun 17, 8:58 AM
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    justme111
    Wow . What a manipulative shifting of the blame and complete lack of insight.. No matter what you might have done wrong in a relationship (as nobody is perfect and you are unlikely to write here telling us you done wrong this and that) - nothing could justify these words. Very lucky escape. I am sure your criteria for a prospective girlfriend will change a bit after this experience as the fact you were interested in someone like that one does not characterise you very well. Been thinking with the wrong head when you went for her any chance ?
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 14th Jun 17, 9:01 AM
    • 3,323 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    Sorry the relationship is over, and sorry to be blunt as you obviously liked her enough to be with her for a year, but anyone that uses phrases like "I hope you're happy now" and uses their child as a lever to make another person do something or feel bad is really not worth the effort. That's abusive, controlling behaviour.

    Love the immediate social media update thing though, Grieve for the relationship a little before moving on? Nah, back on the market straight away and try to pull another one in, hoping the next is a bit easier to manipulate.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
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    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 14th Jun 17, 9:03 AM
    • 59,851 Posts
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    PasturesNew
    It's better to say "No" now and have the arguments without the commitment.... rather than to give in "for a quiet life" only to find she spends her life finding new topics to argue about and being unable to move on because you've taken on all new commitments.

    IMHO it's too soon. A friend of mine once said "2 Christmases" because Xmas is a stressful time for many, with many other obligations pulling people in different direction and throwing up huge differences in expectations.

    You've only done 1 Christmas so far - and that was while it was still all "new and exciting".
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 9:15 AM
    • 1,210 Posts
    • 3,107 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Wow . What a manipulative shifting of the blame and complete lack of insight.. No matter what you might have done wrong in a relationship (as nobody is perfect and you are unlikely to write here telling us you done wrong this and that) - nothing could justify these words. Very lucky escape. I am sure your criteria for a prospective girlfriend will change a bit after this experience as the fact you were interested in someone like that one does not characterise you very well. Been thinking with the wrong head when you went for her any chance ?
    Originally posted by justme111
    We both have made mistakes in our relationship & when I have, I have apoligised (nothing as serious as being unfaithful which neither of us have done) & tried to move on but we keep coming back to the same argument.

    Sorry the relationship is over, and sorry to be blunt as you obviously liked her enough to be with her for a year, but anyone that uses phrases like "I hope you're happy now" and uses their child as a lever to make another person do something or feel bad is really not worth the effort. That's abusive, controlling behaviour.

    Love the immediate social media update thing though, Grieve for the relationship a little before moving on? Nah, back on the market straight away and try to pull another one in, hoping the next is a bit easier to manipulate.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    I do love her very much, but what she has shown this mornig has shown that we have differing ideas of what a relationship is sadly.

    It's better to say "No" now and have the arguments without the commitment.... rather than to give in "for a quiet life" only to find she spends her life finding new topics to argue about and being unable to move on because you've taken on all new commitments.

    IMHO it's too soon. A friend of mine once said "2 Christmases" because Xmas is a stressful time for many, with many other obligations pulling people in different direction and throwing up huge differences in expectations.

    You've only done 1 Christmas so far - and that was while it was still all "new and exciting".
    Originally posted by PasturesNew
    It maybe is too soon but at the end of the day I guess that decision is done now.
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 14th Jun 17, 9:59 AM
    • 221 Posts
    • 442 Thanks
    Aced2016
    She's acting like a silly little girl !!! She's already had a failed marriage, trying to move you on when she has such a young child.

    Then right onto Facebook etc. I would honestly run for the hills. I cannot abide people who behave like that, it's shows no class or maturity !

    Do you honestly need all this drama in your life after not even a year and for what ?

    She wants to concentrate on her child and grow up.

    You should just take time out with your daughter and son. Set up a life for you guys. And then when you meet a woman a grown up who is classy and worth it then go for it. You want a woman not someone who acts like an 16 year old.
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 14th Jun 17, 12:33 PM
    • 2,853 Posts
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    Malthusian
    Congratulations on your narrow escape. This is the pitfall with asking for advice on the Internet. You didn't give us the most crucial piece of information, which is that your OH is a manipulative so-and-so who was probably pushing moving in for a reason that had nothing to do with your happiness (or your child/ren's). Imagine if we'd all said "yeah, it's been a year so you should definitely move in" and you'd actually gone and done it.

    (Two months and 0 Christmasses in my case.)
    • justme111
    • By justme111 14th Jun 17, 12:55 PM
    • 2,788 Posts
    • 2,669 Thanks
    justme111
    Congratulations on your narrow escape. This is the pitfall with asking for advice on the Internet. You didn't give us the most crucial piece of information, which is that your OH is a manipulative so-and-so who was probably pushing moving in for a reason that had nothing to do with your happiness (or your child/ren's). Imagine if we'd all said "yeah, it's been a year so you should definitely move in" and you'd actually gone and done it.

    (Two months and 0 Christmasses in my case.)
    Originally posted by Malthusian
    He has given that information which I pointed to in my first reply. He said she was pushing for it and would not be happy that he was not ready. This coupled with relatively short time together and no specific reasons on why to move ( job relocations etc) was enough for me to say he should review viability of relationship before he let us know it was over.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 1:18 PM
    • 1,210 Posts
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    Oakdene
    Feeling pretty broken, although I did ask her to leave last night I woke thinking maybe there was a compromise that we could reach to move this forward but the way she tried to use her daughter & the bits on social media I think have confirmed you guys are right. Thank you all
    • svain
    • By svain 14th Jun 17, 1:38 PM
    • 152 Posts
    • 291 Thanks
    svain
    Feeling pretty broken, although I did ask her to leave last night I woke thinking maybe there was a compromise that we could reach to move this forward but the way she tried to use her daughter & the bits on social media I think have confirmed you guys are right. Thank you all
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Hang in there mate, stick to your guns. At least for a while
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 2:55 PM
    • 1,210 Posts
    • 3,107 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Hang in there mate, stick to your guns. At least for a while
    Originally posted by svain
    Cheers, going to take a bit of time and re-focus my energy on the kids. Forgot to add that she had set a date & put a deposit down on our wedding (despite the fact we are not engaged).
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 3:24 PM
    • 28,205 Posts
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    Mojisola
    Forgot to add that she had set a date & put a deposit down on our wedding (despite the fact we are not engaged).
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Wow! You've had a lucky escape.
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 14th Jun 17, 3:56 PM
    • 2,853 Posts
    • 4,076 Thanks
    Malthusian
    He has given that information which I pointed to in my first reply. He said she was pushing for it and would not be happy that he was not ready.
    Originally posted by justme111
    No, one doesn't quite amount to the other. At that point it was equally possible that 1) OH was a bunny boiler 2) OP was a ditherer or a commitmentphobe. Post #23 removed all doubt as to which it was.

    FWIW I don't agree that 11 months is a short time together in general terms. But I agree that it makes sense to leave longer than that when there are kids involved who would also have to cope with living together.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 4:11 PM
    • 1,614 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    Cheers, going to take a bit of time and re-focus my energy on the kids. Forgot to add that she had set a date & put a deposit down on our wedding (despite the fact we are not engaged).
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Did she tell you that? I'd take that with a pinch of salt, did she have money to throw away? Or are you in fact Brad Pitt on the rebound from Angelina?
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 4:12 PM
    • 1,210 Posts
    • 3,107 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Did she tell you that? I'd take that with a pinch of salt, did she have money to throw away? Or are you in fact Brad Pitt on the rebound from Angelina?
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    She booked it & showed me the confirmation email from the venue.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 4:13 PM
    • 28,205 Posts
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    Mojisola
    She booked it & showed me the confirmation email from the venue.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    What did you say?
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 14th Jun 17, 4:14 PM
    • 1,210 Posts
    • 3,107 Thanks
    Oakdene
    What did you say?
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    I saw it was a bit of a shock!!
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 4:16 PM
    • 28,205 Posts
    • 71,722 Thanks
    Mojisola
    I saw it was a bit of a shock!!
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    But you didn't call her out on booking your wedding?
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