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    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
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    Oakdene
    How long before you move in together
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:11 AM
    How long before you move in together 13th Jun 17 at 11:11 AM
    Hi All

    Just after some thoughts/views on how long into a relationship people wait before considering moving in. I know everyone is different but I am not ready to move in with my OH (been going out a year next month) & we do both have a child/children from previous marriages whereas my OH is really pushing it. I do see my future with her but I am just not ready to move in at the moment,whereas she is but she is taking it very badly when I say I am not ready.
Page 1
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 13th Jun 17, 11:24 AM
    • 14,477 Posts
    • 14,166 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #2
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:24 AM
    • #2
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:24 AM
    I suppose the question is - what are you waiting for? financial stability? kids being older? whats the factor that's stopping you?
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 11:29 AM
    • 1,135 Posts
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    Oakdene
    • #3
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:29 AM
    • #3
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:29 AM
    I suppose the question is - what are you waiting for? financial stability? kids being older? whats the factor that's stopping you?
    Originally posted by Guest101
    I dont know truth be told, we still fall out a fair amount over silly little things & I guess I want things to settle before we uproot & move
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 13th Jun 17, 11:39 AM
    • 14,477 Posts
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    Guest101
    • #4
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:39 AM
    • #4
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:39 AM
    I dont know truth be told, we still fall out a fair amount over silly little things & I guess I want things to settle before we uproot & move
    Originally posted by Oakdene


    You need to practice living together, but that's obviously difficult with kids involved.


    Maybe make a list of what you expect, ask her to do the same?
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    • 1,423 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    • #5
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    • #5
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    I dont know truth be told, we still fall out a fair amount over silly little things & I guess I want things to settle before we uproot & move
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    It's only been a year, it should still be honeymoon period.

    If you're rowing too much now, it's probably not meant to be, I doubt it would 'settle' once you were living together as a blended family.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    • 1,135 Posts
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    Oakdene
    • #6
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    • #6
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:42 AM
    When we have sleepovers & things it just works but that involves one of our lot sleeping on a sofa so its not ideal long term.

    Maybe a list is the idea forward
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 13th Jun 17, 11:54 AM
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    ViolaLass
    • #7
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:54 AM
    • #7
    • 13th Jun 17, 11:54 AM
    Have you tried having a weekend together?
    • KateySW
    • By KateySW 13th Jun 17, 12:10 PM
    • 83 Posts
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    KateySW
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 17, 12:10 PM
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 17, 12:10 PM
    I moved in with my partner after 18 months of dating... but we had known each other well for 6 years at this stage!! Also, we didn't have kids to think about, like you do...

    It's absolutely right to be cautious on this for that exact reason. As someone whose parents got divorced and has a (big) blended family, I can't stress this enough. If you aren't sure, you need to get to the bottom of why that is. As suggested above, a list of your expectations on both sides is a good idea. Also try to iron out why you "fall out a fair amount over silly little things" while you're at it. Having an honest and frank conversation, preferably when it's just the two of you (maybe try to organise a night away somewhere) will hopefully set you on the right track.
    • sweetbabu
    • By sweetbabu 13th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    • 160 Posts
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    sweetbabu
    • #9
    • 13th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    • #9
    • 13th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    9 months... probably would have done it sooner were it not for my daughter finishing school. Eleven months later, we are awaiting the arrival of our first child.

    We had known each other for 8 years prior though.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 13th Jun 17, 4:26 PM
    • 12,417 Posts
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    Gloomendoom
    Three days.

    After our wedding, that is.
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • Hutchch0920
    • By Hutchch0920 13th Jun 17, 4:32 PM
    • 273 Posts
    • 465 Thanks
    Hutchch0920
    About 3 months. We met at the beginning of September and I'd moved in with my OH by late November. We just couldn't bear to be apart and I still thoroughly enjoy his company now. We've been living together 18 months and I absolutely think it was the right choice for us. We are 28 and 26 though, without children, I guess it might be easier for us to build our lives together as we do not have others to consider.
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    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 13th Jun 17, 4:35 PM
    • 16,784 Posts
    • 27,230 Thanks
    ringo_24601
    We bought a house together within a year of starting dating - so.. do what feels right

    If it doesn't feel right then finish it.

    After a year, you should probably know if you want to move in, or not.
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 13th Jun 17, 4:40 PM
    • 7,003 Posts
    • 9,084 Thanks
    jackieblack
    He moved in with me about 4 weeks after we got together, we got married a year later and were together over 24 years.

    I definitely think it's different if you already have children and/or have already been married/in a longterm cohabitation. It'd be natural to be more cautious because you have so much more to lose if it doesn't work out.
    Last edited by jackieblack; 13-06-2017 at 4:43 PM.
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    • justme111
    • By justme111 13th Jun 17, 5:21 PM
    • 2,701 Posts
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    justme111
    3 years
    You not ready , she will not take to it kindly, you arguing over little things - if I were you I would have asked whether there was any future in it , not whether I should move.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 13th Jun 17, 5:21 PM
    • 1,032 Posts
    • 1,038 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I met my now husband in the October and moved in together in the January. I think its more tricky if you have kids. I knew if it didn't work I could just move back to my parents but as an adult with kids etc I think I'd want to be pretty certain. Have you discussed finances / how to deal with each others kids etc?
    I think a trial might be sensible. Give it a go for a month then decide? Tell the kids you / your partner are having work done on the house or something so they are not upset or shocked if it doesn't work.
    I'd say wait till the honeymoon period has passed, however long that is for you. When you stop trying to impress and just get on with daily life that's when people start to find the other irritating!
    • jackomdj
    • By jackomdj 13th Jun 17, 7:01 PM
    • 2,781 Posts
    • 3,463 Thanks
    jackomdj
    Third time I met him!

    We met in a nightclub May bank holiday weekend, a couple of hours from where I live and he was on a course in the area. Only time I have been to that town.

    He came to see me two weekends later for the weekend. The following weekend he was getting posted (services) near me, so he brought his stuff in from the car rather than leaving it there overnight and he didn't leave!

    He paid food and a comodation for a few months at the base, but never stayed there.

    21 years together now.
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 13th Jun 17, 8:05 PM
    • 4,918 Posts
    • 6,899 Thanks
    Kynthia
    I didn't move in with my husband until we'd been together almost 2 years. I think the fact we only saw each other at weekends and even then they were sometimes cut short as I was studying a professional qualification outside of work.

    I personally don't think a year is long, especially when you had serious relationship fail before and have children to consider. Also not everyone pregresses at tge same speed. Explain how you want to wait longer, build a better foundation, get to know more if the things that could be bigger issues when living together first (attitude to money, how to split costs, how you parent and how you would parent each other's children, etc).

    As long as living together is still on the cards for you at some point, you are just not ready yet, then it will hopefully be fine.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 13th Jun 17, 8:26 PM
    • 4,361 Posts
    • 6,856 Thanks
    Gavin83
    I wouldn't consider moving in with someone before a year, kids or no kids. Anything less than this is no time at all. I'd also want to live with someone at least a year before I considered getting married.

    I was with my girlfriend about 5 years before we moved in together and I proposed on our 10 year anniversary. Worked for us.
    • Aced2016
    • By Aced2016 13th Jun 17, 8:34 PM
    • 227 Posts
    • 408 Thanks
    Aced2016
    I moved in after 6 months I was only 16/17 lol. I was head over heels ! 14 years later 4 kids and too many house moves we are still here.

    However your situation is totally different ! There is kids involved and the children have already suffered their family break down. I don't see the urgency, you've only been together 11 months and don't live together and your bickering ! Just think that may escalate if you live together.

    For the sake of her child I think she should be a lot more cautious ! And to honest you have answerd your own question you don't want to. So until you do it would silly to do it while feeling like that as it will fail. It's suppose to be exciting !

    And if it fails the kids need to witness another relationship breakdown ! Just be honest with her always best way.
    • Jamiehelsinki
    • By Jamiehelsinki 13th Jun 17, 9:47 PM
    • 75 Posts
    • 98 Thanks
    Jamiehelsinki
    I understand where your coming from OP, I split with my wife and had to start again getting my own place again etc. If I met someone else I think I would be very reluctant to give that up in a hurry!
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