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    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    • 404Posts
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    dcouponzzzz
    Too many holidays?
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    Too many holidays? 13th Jun 17 at 9:36 AM
    Apologies in advance for the long post!

    So I'm posting here for advice on either of the two options:

    - How do I justify spending money on holidays for myself, or
    - How do I help my OH see my financial commitments don't allow me the holidays she expects.

    I've been with the OH only a year now, and in that year we will have been on 2 bigger holidays (costing £1k+) and 3 smaller ones (countryside hotel stays). She has plans for about 3 more small trips before the end of this year.

    Now, she's 23 living with her parents and on an average wage, with few outgoings and a fair bit of disposable income, whereas I'm 28 with a mortgage and all the financial and time commitments that come with it. I've spent 5 years living penny to penny and only in the past 3-4 months have I reached a career stage where I have any disposable income.

    I have a list of home improvements in priority order which totals £3.5k that has never been addressed, plus my own personal list of items I would really like to own (£3k) which is lowest priority, but would be nice.

    Nowhere on my list do beach holidays or city breaks appear. I want to have real experiences like visit Machu Picchu, the Mayan temples, cruise around Alaska, or even rent a car and drive around America camping for a month.

    These still don't make it on the list because they're lowest of the low priority, just a dream in the far distant future when I've fixed up the house, bought my luxuries and saved an emergency fund. Possibly even after I've paid off the £130k mortgage, as I can now afford to over-pay by double the monthly payment, possibly triple if I continue as I have been.

    To summarise... should I be taking every opportunity to travel and relax with priority over home commitments and personal goals? If not, how can I say no to the OH when she makes plans for how I spend my money? (she never asks for a penny from me, just making me spend it on myself). If I say no I'm sure it's a deal breaker, and everything else about her personality is perfect. I'm not even sure this is an undesirable thing...


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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 28-06-2017 at 9:57 AM.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
Page 4
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 15th Jun 17, 6:49 AM
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    jackieblack
    Indeed, but you can also spend many long years with very little money, hardly enough for small luxuries, let alone to afford nice holidays and breaks away.

    It's an individual choice in the end, and OP shouldn't feel that his choices are wrong.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    This is the difficulty isn't it? I come from a long living family on both sides but equally I've lost good friends far too young, and we all know of many people who never got to enjoy an old age.

    You can't guarantee a long life and you should enjoy it while you can, but equally if you live like a long life is definitely not going to happen and it does, you're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable time in your final years.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Of course! But, like many things in life, it's about getting the balance right and not taking anything for granted.
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    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 15th Jun 17, 10:21 AM
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    onlyroz
    You need to allocate a sensible annual budget for holidays and then decide between you how that should be spent and where you should go. If she wants to do more than this then she can fund it herself and travel with her mates.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 15th Jun 17, 10:22 AM
    • 542 Posts
    • 436 Thanks
    leespot
    You need to allocate a sensible annual budget for holidays and then decide between you how that should be spent and where you should go. If she wants to do more than this then she can fund it herself and travel with her mates.
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    She funds it herself anyway - she isn't asking her partner to pay for her.
    • mildredalien
    • By mildredalien 16th Jun 17, 12:02 PM
    • 1,017 Posts
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    mildredalien
    I mean it sounds like you'd also be up for going on all sorts of holidays - if you had the disposable income to do so. But you don't, as you have other things that are more of a priority to you. That's totally fine!

    Personally I'm with your OH, I'd love to be on holiday every month... I'm also a realist and not a millionaire, so it doesn't happen! I also really value holidays as a complete break from work which can be quite stressful. My husband isn't that bothered and has less leave than me, so we talk each year about what holidays we might have and what we can afford. It's not a dealbreaker in our relationship that we have different ideas about holidays, but we've reached good compromises over the years.

    There does need to be compromise between you. Holidays can be a priority if you have disposable income, not everything has to be 'sensible' - but obviously don't go into debt for it, and don't make yourself unhappy giving up other things you want. You need a frank conversation about how much disposable income you each have, what your priorities are and how to find a balance you are both happy with.

    [B]Savings target: £25000/£25000


    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 28th Jun 17, 9:40 AM
    • 500 Posts
    • 2,531 Thanks
    Teacher2
    One of the most fundamental polarities in personality types and behaviour is that of attitude to money and spending and you two seem to differ widely.

    Your problem is compounded by the fact that your OH has no real experience of money management as she is living at home being subsidised by her parents and regards all of the money, which , she, an adult, should be spending on living and paying her way, as pocket money much as a child does. She is not living in the real world and is playing a game of emotional blackmail to force others to bolster her illusions and comply with her wish to live in a 'forever holiday' mode. This is totally compatible with seeming to be an otherwise 'nice' person.

    However, the real test of how nice she actually is will come when she is challenged and has to give way to something she doesn't want to do. That is a test of maturity. Can she compromise?

    I agree with the advice given above about compromise. Personally, I am totally with you in your inclination to pay down/off the mortgage. (This is entirely sensible as it will free up thousands of pounds which will then be free to be spent on holidays and treats.) However, an agreement to save some money and spend some, but not all of it, on holidays is fairer if you want to stay together with this partner.

    I would have thought that one main holiday and a few mini breaks per year would be in order. Unless you are Princess Beatrice and someone else will always pay you can't live perpetually on holiday on an ordinary salary.
    • DarrenM1
    • By DarrenM1 28th Jun 17, 10:45 AM
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    DarrenM1
    Man up. Tell her straight!

    Foot down. Job done...
    • julie777
    • By julie777 29th Jun 17, 6:16 AM
    • 266 Posts
    • 212 Thanks
    julie777
    Disposable income? Lucky you.
    Just be glad you have disposable income to argue over.
    Our budget for holiday has been £300 a year recently - for 2 of us.
    But lots of people I know never go away at all so imagine that.
    I really believe having more money than you need can cause all sorts of headaches and yours is a case in point.
    • DUKE
    • By DUKE 30th Jun 17, 2:30 PM
    • 6,981 Posts
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    DUKE
    Oh Lord, for one moment there I thought you were Mr Duke moaning about me He loves expensive gadgets, I love holz, & we frequently come to blows over it.

    Where do you go on holiday for it to cost that much? I've had some amazing holz but I usually manage to get a good deal by constantly looking, it's my life's work You could try looking together, or even booking yourself if you find the right deal.
    Thanks everyone!
    • leespot
    • By leespot 30th Jun 17, 3:19 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 436 Thanks
    leespot
    Just be glad you have disposable income to argue over.
    Our budget for holiday has been £300 a year recently - for 2 of us.
    But lots of people I know never go away at all so imagine that.
    I really believe having more money than you need can cause all sorts of headaches and yours is a case in point.
    Originally posted by julie777
    It isn't really a case in point at all - at which point do you decide you have more than you need?? Your disposable income is your business - if you feel you have too little, that is up to you to deal with.
    • donny jim
    • By donny jim 1st Jul 17, 7:06 PM
    • 49 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    donny jim
    You have to stand your ground, I would say 1 holiday a year is ok, but you both have to agree on were and how much. If she won't listen then I think it's time to move on.
    • donny jim
    • By donny jim 1st Jul 17, 7:19 PM
    • 49 Posts
    • 15 Thanks
    donny jim
    Or go on her own. The boredom might bring her too her senses.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 1st Jul 17, 7:33 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 436 Thanks
    leespot
    Or go on her own. The boredom might bring her too her senses.
    Originally posted by donny jim
    Or she might love it, and decide it's probably for the best they part ways.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 2nd Jul 17, 9:19 AM
    • 16,083 Posts
    • 39,949 Thanks
    FBaby
    But lots of people I know never go away at all so imagine that.
    Most people don't go away because they prioritise other aspects of their lives. They might have a bigger house that cost more, or they might nicer cars, or they might just prefer to never travel, but reduce their working hours.
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 3rd Jul 17, 8:30 AM
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    heartbreak_star
    I just don't really get the "holiday" thing, unless I'm doing something (festival, LARP, proper sightseeing). Lying on a beach? No ta.

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • julie777
    • By julie777 3rd Jul 17, 8:37 AM
    • 266 Posts
    • 212 Thanks
    julie777
    I agree
    If you are just lying around, eating ice-cream, drinking beer, do it at home for free!
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 3rd Jul 17, 5:44 PM
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    FBaby
    I think the point of going on holiday doing nothing is very much that, doing nothing! It means that they go away from all the stress of their lives, constantly having to plan/organise/chase people/check things are done etc...

    Being away somewhere relaxing and not have to do any thinking is the definition of bliss for many (not me!).
    • xXMessedUpXx
    • By xXMessedUpXx 3rd Jul 17, 5:50 PM
    • 17,022 Posts
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    xXMessedUpXx
    I just don't really get the "holiday" thing, unless I'm doing something (festival, LARP, proper sightseeing). Lying on a beach? No ta.

    HBS x
    Originally posted by heartbreak_star
    i haven't be abroad in 20 years, don;t even have a passport. If you're up for holidays then set a budget and have them. If not then let her hve her own holidays.
    "Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up"
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    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 4th Jul 17, 8:24 AM
    • 30,291 Posts
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    getmore4less
    If you are just lying around, eating ice-cream, drinking beer, do it at home for free!
    Originally posted by julie777

    We like to go way to give the OH a rest from bringing me my ices creams and beer.

    Also have someone else cook and wash up and make the beds and do the washing........

    Some sun and warmth in the winter also makes us feel better.
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