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    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
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    dcouponzzzz
    Too many holidays?
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    Too many holidays? 13th Jun 17 at 9:36 AM
    Apologies in advance for the long post!

    So I'm posting here for advice on either of the two options:

    - How do I justify spending money on holidays for myself, or
    - How do I help my OH see my financial commitments don't allow me the holidays she expects.

    I've been with the OH only a year now, and in that year we will have been on 2 bigger holidays (costing £1k+) and 3 smaller ones (countryside hotel stays). She has plans for about 3 more small trips before the end of this year.

    Now, she's 23 living with her parents and on an average wage, with few outgoings and a fair bit of disposable income, whereas I'm 28 with a mortgage and all the financial and time commitments that come with it. I've spent 5 years living penny to penny and only in the past 3-4 months have I reached a career stage where I have any disposable income.

    I have a list of home improvements in priority order which totals £3.5k that has never been addressed, plus my own personal list of items I would really like to own (£3k) which is lowest priority, but would be nice.

    Nowhere on my list do beach holidays or city breaks appear. I want to have real experiences like visit Machu Picchu, the Mayan temples, cruise around Alaska, or even rent a car and drive around America camping for a month.

    These still don't make it on the list because they're lowest of the low priority, just a dream in the far distant future when I've fixed up the house, bought my luxuries and saved an emergency fund. Possibly even after I've paid off the £130k mortgage, as I can now afford to over-pay by double the monthly payment, possibly triple if I continue as I have been.

    To summarise... should I be taking every opportunity to travel and relax with priority over home commitments and personal goals? If not, how can I say no to the OH when she makes plans for how I spend my money? (she never asks for a penny from me, just making me spend it on myself). If I say no I'm sure it's a deal breaker, and everything else about her personality is perfect. I'm not even sure this is an undesirable thing...


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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 28-06-2017 at 9:57 AM.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
Page 3
    • Lunar Eclipse
    • By Lunar Eclipse 13th Jun 17, 10:03 PM
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    Lunar Eclipse
    I'm jealous! I remember those days fondly. And my husband is now like you in terms of prioritising other things which frankly is dull and boring and I'm sure one of us will die young before we've really lived, though I try to live every day as though it's my last. Because one day that will happen.

    Personally I'd enjoy this carefree time in your life, because if she is the one and you go on to marry and have kids within 5-10 years, life will naturally change big time! We're currently in teenage exam phase, university applications, driving licenses etc. It's great, but it comes round so quickly, and though fit and (touch wood) healthy, I'm not young anymore.

    I don't think you're having too many holidays either. Weekends away in this country are just that, a weekend break, absolutely lovely, but not really a holiday. And you don't need a new fridge!

    Can you agree on a compromise?
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Jun 17, 10:10 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    Not to mention you can't really take kids on a hiking trip to Machu Picchu. Start a family and wave goodbye to adventerous (or affordable) holidays. You wave goodbye to travelling as a couple for 16 years.

    I believe the phrase "Youth is wasted on the young" may be appropriate. The OP's girlfriend is just trying to enjoy being young. Some restraint will help, but I think house renovations and 'stuff' come second after experiences.
    Originally posted by ringo_24601
    You spend a lot of time in your home though, I don't think wanting it to be nice and comfortable and mostly in working order means you aren't enjoying your life!

    There is a balance to be struck, but what it comes down to is that the girlfriend doesn't get to give orders and dictate what her boyfriend spends his money on and expect him to just go along with it.
    Last edited by Red-Squirrel; 13-06-2017 at 10:14 PM.
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 13th Jun 17, 10:20 PM
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    ringo_24601
    You spend a lot of time in your home though, I don't think wanting it to be nice and comfortable and mostly in working order means you aren't enjoying your life!

    There is a balance to be struck, but what it comes down to is that the girlfriend doesn't get to give orders and dictate what her boyfriend spends his money on and expect him to just go along with it.

    Imagine it with the genders reversed, we'd be horrified, it'd be financial abuse depending on the level of pressure applied!
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Remember - he's not paying for her holidays.

    I've lived this. I'm OP, but 11 years later. I'm the frugal one. I saved up a house deposit between starting work and meeting my wife. She lived at home, had some credit card debt, nice car, no savings, liked holidays.

    But you know what - it's pushed me. I earn 2.5x more now than when we met. I now quite like holidays and we go on fairly nice ones. My wife now has no debts and saves money. We've balanced each other out nicely.

    I think there is a mentality where you become entrenched in saving money, to the point that you let your best years become focused on work and frugality. I'm not saying be financially reckless; but don't let overpaying a mortgage be more important than enjoying what life offeres.

    OP might want to try to find a better balance on the type of holidays he wants to do though.
    Last edited by ringo_24601; 13-06-2017 at 10:24 PM.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 13th Jun 17, 10:29 PM
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    Judi
    as I can now afford to over-pay by double the monthly payment, possibly triple if I continue as I have been.
    What you are doing is admirable but please dont forget, your only young once. I'm not saying go on all the holidays she wants but dont cut them out completely. Just compromise. Compromise here is the key.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • parking_question_chap
    • By parking_question_chap 13th Jun 17, 10:37 PM
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    parking_question_chap
    As you point she still lives her parents so no outgoings like owning a house does.

    Time for the talk and tell her how it is, what your priorities are, if she doesn't like it then she is not the one.
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    Yes, you just might not be compatible if your opinions of money/saving are not similar.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Jun 17, 10:41 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    Remember - he's not paying for her holidays.
    Originally posted by ringo_24601
    No, but she seems to be demanding that he go with her, and I don't think she's paying for him!
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 13th Jun 17, 11:17 PM
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    hazyjo
    Is there? Who's to say the OP won't be dead in 10 years or struck with a serious illness that makes travel impossible?

    OP, if you were to die in 10 years would you rather have experienced a holiday or paid a bit more off on your mortgage? I know a number of people who have saved hard for retirement and then died a year later. I also know someone else who has gone without to save for later life and has now contracted a serious life altering disease that will kill them one day. I'm sure they'd have rather lived their life differently.

    Obviously it's all about compromise, enjoy yourself but also build your future. Just don't look back on your life realising you haven't done anything.

    Personally me and my girlfriend went travelling for a year, spent enough for a house deposit. Don't regret it for a second. I can buy a house at any point, got the whole of my life to do that but I've always got those memories.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    This rang a few bells with me. My OH's son (24) was rushed to hospital on New Year's Day. Turns out he had some serious bowel disorder which had to be operated on immediately. He was off work until around Easter. Yes, he could have died. It was totally out the blue. Him and his GF have been saving towards a deposit, but now they're talking about travelling for six months with most of that money. His dad (my OH) just looked at me with his jaw hitting the floor when they told us, but I was positive. If it's what they both want to do, OMG do it before you have lifelong commitments of a mortgage, kids, house, etc. They are both still really young. Who cares if they buy at 32. They've been together 7 years or so and still aren't in a rush, they're really solid and sensible and she has no intention of starting a family even until she's over 30.

    But if my OH's son didn't want to travel like that and his GF was pushing for it, it would prob be the end of their relationship.

    My dad was also taken ill before retiring and died 6 years later. My grandad also died shortly after retiring. Three close friends lost parents who were in their 40s. Life is way too short.

    I suppose you could always do what my friends (in their 40s/50s) did and take a year out and rent their house out. Traveled the world.

    Or move her in so she has the same priorities as you!

    No right/wrong here, you just have to both be on the same page.
    2017 wins: Opera tickets; film preview; lipstick; Ideal Home Show tickets + afternoon tea & bottle of Champagne; 2 cases of NKD; notebook; bath rack; books; film Premiere; Broadchurch DVDs; lipbalms; hamper (food/wine/Echo Dot/Jo Malone goodies); Avon lippies; cowhide rug; Windsor luxury break, foundation; Flybe flight
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 13th Jun 17, 11:50 PM
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    cjdavies
    Is there? Who's to say the OP won't be dead in 10 years or struck with a serious illness that makes travel impossible?

    Personally me and my girlfriend went travelling for a year, spent enough for a house deposit. Don't regret it for a second. I can buy a house at any point, got the whole of my life to do that but I've always got those memories.
    Originally posted by Gavin83
    Makes sense - says OP may have 10 years but you have your whole life.

    I do agree with house upgrades, I had my kitchen/bathroom done, looks nice but does not do anything for me. My living room and upstairs needs doing badly, but not going to waste money on it.

    I'm half tempted to just say screw it and book this,
    been looking at for a whilehttps://www.justyou.co.uk/en-gb/tours/americas-western-wonders/
    Last edited by cjdavies; 14-06-2017 at 12:09 AM.
    • LandyAndy
    • By LandyAndy 14th Jun 17, 8:09 AM
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    LandyAndy
    She's a cash cow. Get rid.
    Originally posted by Blackbeard of Perranporth

    Do you know what a cash cow is?
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 14th Jun 17, 9:20 AM
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    heartbreak_star
    Holidays have never really interested me, and I've especially never seen the appeal of paying throught he nose to sit on a beach drinking beer...

    I'd rather have the home haha!

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • leespot
    • By leespot 14th Jun 17, 11:32 AM
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    leespot
    Interesting thread. As others have already said, this is about compromise and balance.

    I've always travelled, love the whole experience of new places, new people and cultures. I can't see a time where I wouldn't want to travel. It's about knowing your limits, and sticking to them. As a couple we earn a fairly decent income, but I budget quite well and have a spreadsheet that helps us keep an eye on things (got that idea from this site years ago and have stuck with it, it works really well).

    This last couple of years, we bought a fairly big house that needed a lot of work (literally stripping walls back to the bare brick and starting again). We've still managed to fit in some pretty big holidays, but both discussed the impact these holidays would have on the work and how much longer things would take. This year we knew we'd have to ramp up the work effort to make up for the last year, which we've stuck to. Just had a week in Cyprus with the little one, which was lovely, but have no plans for anything else this year really as we're focusing on the work on the house.

    Strike a balance with your girlfriend, just be open and honest about what you need doing on the house etc. I'd be happy to jump on a plane tomorrow for a fortnight, but I won't because the bathroom needs sorting.

    Hope you find the balance you're looking for.
    • SandC
    • By SandC 14th Jun 17, 11:43 AM
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    SandC
    OP at least you haven't gone down the route of trying to have the best of both worlds! I know so many people who live on debt but 'have' everything. That thought would probably send you into a spin of anxiety!

    I love my holidays and they have always taken priority. My house has never been my priority beyond essential maintenance. It's only now I've lived sensibly and frugally that I'm starting to be able to do both and get various cosmetic adjustments done to the house as well as have more holidays. However, when I was your age or a bit younger I could do no more than 1 fortnight holiday a year in Greece or Turkey and had a second job so I could also have a social life. We simply have to make compromises, or go down the debt route.

    As others have said, I think you need to set a budget for holiday spend per year and allocate the rest to home stuff. You don't know if children are going to happen near future, mid term or not at all. Bear it in mind but you can sort that out when and if it happens. I'm thinking that your girlfriend likes to make all the arrangements for the trips too? If that's the case, to soften the blow of having less getaways perhaps you can sort the next one out from start to finish, get really involved, get really enthusiastic to show her that what is important to her is also important to you.

    I'm sure that if it comes to a time when you live together that her priorities may also shift - yours might also as sharing household bills will increase your disposable income! You just really need to sit down and talk things through - if it were me it would be the weekend breaks that would go - as they drain the finances far more quickly than a couple of fortnight breaks. Or find something that's a lot cheaper, that could become 'your' place. A yurt in the countryside or something that you will always want to go back to, rather than a 4/5 star city hotel? Be imaginative and communicate with each other.

    Oh yeah and I have been seeing my bloke nearly 18 months and we've had a 5 day break together and are about to go to Greece for a week. But in that time I've also had 3 beach holidays and a cultural trip on my own/group thing. He does his own thing quite a bit and so do I - our form of compromise which almost certainly does not suit anybody remotely normal, ha ha.
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 14th Jun 17, 1:23 PM
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    heartbreak_star
    He does his own thing quite a bit and so do I - our form of compromise which almost certainly does not suit anybody remotely normal, ha ha.
    Originally posted by SandC
    Glad it's not just us! I went to Download weekend just gone and he went away with his mates, haha

    Best way to be, IMO.

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    #JC4PM
    • SandC
    • By SandC 14th Jun 17, 1:56 PM
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    SandC
    Glad it's not just us! I went to Download weekend just gone and he went away with his mates, haha

    Best way to be, IMO.

    HBS x
    Originally posted by heartbreak_star
    Absolutely HBS, he will be off on a few short breaks with mates over the summer - I've told him they are welcome to Blackpool, ha ha. :-)
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 14th Jun 17, 6:29 PM
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    jackieblack
    Makes sense - says OP may have 10 years but you have your whole life.

    I do agree with house upgrades, I had my kitchen/bathroom done, looks nice but does not do anything for me. My living room and upstairs needs doing badly, but not going to waste money on it.

    I'm half tempted to just say screw it and book this,
    been looking at for a whilehttps://www.justyou.co.uk/en-gb/tours/americas-western-wonders/
    Originally posted by cjdavies
    Do it! But not until after the PCH is open again (closed in two places atm, due to re-open Sept/Oct time)
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 14th Jun 17, 7:15 PM
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    FBaby
    What you are doing is admirable but please dont forget, your only young once
    Many people are young for a very long time! My parents are 'younger' now they are retired than they were in their 20s. They can now afford to jet off the world any time they want and they sure are doing so. They're never home! They are in their 70s, but very fit, going on long walks daily, no stopping them!
    • jackieblack
    • By jackieblack 14th Jun 17, 7:24 PM
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    jackieblack
    Many people are young for a very long time! My parents are 'younger' now they are retired than they were in their 20s. They can now afford to jet off the world any time they want and they sure are doing so. They're never home! They are in their 70s, but very fit, going on long walks daily, no stopping them!
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Lucky them! But unfortunately I know too many people who haven't been so lucky and who have died suddenly and/or long before they've reached retirement age or done many of the things they'd put off until 'some day'.
    We only get one life and it can be cut short when you're least expecting it.
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    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 14th Jun 17, 8:22 PM
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    FBaby
    We only get one life and it can be cut short when you're least expecting it.
    Indeed, but you can also spend many long years with very little money, hardly enough for small luxuries, let alone to afford nice holidays and breaks away.

    It's an individual choice in the end, and OP shouldn't feel that his choices are wrong.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 14th Jun 17, 8:24 PM
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    Red-Squirrel
    Lucky them! But unfortunately I know too many people who haven't been so lucky and who have died suddenly and/or long before they've reached retirement age or done many of the things they'd put off until 'some day'.
    We only get one life and it can be cut short when you're least expecting it.
    Originally posted by jackieblack
    This is the difficulty isn't it? I come from a long living family on both sides but equally I've lost good friends far too young, and we all know of many people who never got to enjoy an old age.

    You can't guarantee a long life and you should enjoy it while you can, but equally if you live like a long life is definitely not going to happen and it does, you're setting yourself up for a pretty miserable time in your final years.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 14th Jun 17, 8:28 PM
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    Mojisola
    If life does bring poor health or financial problems, it can be a big relief to have somewhere nice to live with good quality stuff that won't cost too much to run and won't break down a lot.

    It's possible to make great memories and have good times without spending lots of money and going abroad.
    Last edited by Mojisola; 15-06-2017 at 8:01 AM. Reason: Added a "won't" to make meaning clearer.
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