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    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    • 7Posts
    • 23Thanks
    MissBessie
    Husband has had an emotional affair
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    Husband has had an emotional affair 11th Jun 17 at 6:27 PM
    I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months. She works beside him and he says they are "just friends". A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day. He claims he's never seen her outside work and there was never any sex.
    We have been married for 33 years, have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I have went between crying to anger to disbelieve and back again. I can't eat, can't sleep..........can't believe it.
    He says we haven't been getting on (true), weren't talking most of the time (true) and that he just started to talk to her one day that they were on the same shift. This to me is no excuse - I didn't go and seek out a man to talk my probls over with. He says he loves me, wants to try again but I don't know if I could ever trust him. Our kids are also devastated and don't want anything more to do with him. People are totally shocked as he is one of the last people you would think would do this. Sorry this is so long
Page 3
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 12th Jun 17, 2:53 PM
    • 1,140 Posts
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    Oakdene
    To be honest it was so out there I wasn't sure what it meant.


    e.g. if he was home, he'd be working and therefore they'd have laugh at work / or that the colleague is covering work whilst he's on A/L / or as you said work is more like home.


    It certainly didn't scream affair to me.
    Originally posted by Guest101
    I think if someone texted my OH at that hour & said that I would be wondering why that person was wishing my OH was 'home', when they were home.
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 12th Jun 17, 2:58 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    MissBessie
    He said he has no idea why she text him that except that she'd been out and was drink. Earlier that night he had sneaked away and phoned her.
    Guest101 - my husband has plenty friends of both sexes. He works in a predominantly female environment and I have never had a problem with him txting any of his workmates. This particular friend however, I had never even heard of. She was a big secret
    • breaking_free
    • By breaking_free 12th Jun 17, 3:01 PM
    • 295 Posts
    • 563 Thanks
    breaking_free
    Our kids are also devastated and don't want anything more to do with him. People are totally shocked as he is one of the last people you would think would do this. Sorry this is so long
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    So not only do your adult children know but other people know too. How did all these others find out?
    "The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 3:15 PM
    • 14,480 Posts
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    Guest101
    I think if someone texted my OH at that hour & said that I would be wondering why that person was wishing my OH was 'home', when they were home.
    Originally posted by Oakdene


    But they weren't home, they were on holiday - presumably the time difference accounts for the fact it was 2am
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 3:16 PM
    • 14,480 Posts
    • 14,170 Thanks
    Guest101
    He said he has no idea why she text him that except that she'd been out and was drink. Earlier that night he had sneaked away and phoned her.
    Guest101 - my husband has plenty friends of both sexes. He works in a predominantly female environment and I have never had a problem with him txting any of his workmates. This particular friend however, I had never even heard of. She was a big secret
    Originally posted by MissBessie


    Was it a secret because he was actively keeping her secret, or a secret because you weren't talking very much?
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 12th Jun 17, 3:25 PM
    • 860 Posts
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    NeilCr
    So not only do your adult children know but other people know too. How did all these others find out?
    Originally posted by breaking_free
    I am still also very unclear as to how the OP knows all the information about number of texts, contacting this lady early in the morning, late at night etc
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 12th Jun 17, 4:06 PM
    • 15,665 Posts
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    FBaby
    2am because if time difference on hols, possibly understandable if there is some context to this text. 2am in the UK and something is not right.

    My gut feeling is that it did start as genuine friendship, evolved into an emotional affair, and was just crossing the line to something else, or just about to when OP found out about it.
    • pogofish
    • By pogofish 12th Jun 17, 4:15 PM
    • 7,246 Posts
    • 7,279 Thanks
    pogofish
    My bitter experience is that "emotional" affairs often turn out to be outright lies that are either just about to turn physical or actual affairs where the cheating party is trying to spin things-out a bit longer till they are ready to jump.

    Either way - IMO, if its got to this stage then its time to begin mustering the strength to get-out. It won't be much comfort just now but in the long run, you will find it much easier to recover if its you that ends things, not them.
    • richardw
    • By richardw 12th Jun 17, 4:45 PM
    • 17,881 Posts
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    richardw
    Get talking, get living, life's too short.
    Posts are not advice and must not be relied upon.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 12th Jun 17, 5:11 PM
    • 4,243 Posts
    • 5,389 Thanks
    gonzo127
    to be honest I have to say I don't think it matters if this was a emotional affair or not, the fact that it appears to have been broadcast to many people will mean that the marriage is unlikely to be able to be saved, as in the first post the op has stated their kids do not want anything to do with him, and all the others are shocked, so there will either be significant resentment from the husband for you having told everyone if it is not true, or all those people are going to make comments etc if you take him back, its going to become very difficult to reconcile.


    as to if its an affair or not, I don't think anyone can say for sure as there will be so many details that can not be known which can change things, from the bits you have posted it does sound like it is, but as you believe it is, you are likely to only be 'seeing' and sharing the bits that back up how you feel, as it normal and natural.


    the bits about secrecy I think are the big flags to me, because a lot of the other things probably wouldn't of mattered had the other person been male.


    but even being female it is not impossible to have a lot of the situations, for example my best friend is female, I am male, we talk a lot, she knows everything about me and I know everything about her, I used to phone her and talk to her about my marriage and relationship problems, same as she talks to me about hers, we chat about the kids, she has phoned me at silly oclock in the morning, whilst I am at work, we have had many text conversations lasting 50+ messages in a day, we will sometimes send complimentary messages to each other, will moan that the other isn't about when we need someone around. yes im sure people would think I have a emotional affair with her, but she is my best friend, simple as
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    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 13th Jun 17, 1:58 PM
    • 2,403 Posts
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    ska lover
    I don't understand this emotional affair thing, it is a very modern terminology


    I am a married woman, devoted to my husband and love him with all my heart.


    However my best friend is a guy. We chat and share things a lot. I am in no way attracted to him and would be extremely upset if my husband were to think I was being unfaithful in some way


    I wonder if it would still be an 'emotional affair' if it was a member of the same sex?


    Op I think you need to work on your marriage, accusing him of something he hasn't done, is going to break it as it is on fragile ground, but your flailing marriage is both your issue to concern yourselfs with, and not to put all the blame on him for some imaginary affair
    Blah blah blah.
    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 13th Jun 17, 5:34 PM
    • 1,342 Posts
    • 2,860 Thanks
    Loz01
    Wow texting up to 50 times a day is a LOT...that is unacceptable if you are married, plain and simple. Her texting at 2am saying she wishes he was home... unacceptable.

    Yes you've been together 30 years but you still don't deserve to be treated like this, OP. Its not like a one night stand he has done and its over with (not saying this would be better...) but its gone on and on, day after day, message after message. I'd be incensed with anger if I found out they were talking about me. What a p*ss take.
    It's not God I have a problem with... it's his fan club.
    • mademoiselle
    • By mademoiselle 13th Jun 17, 6:49 PM
    • 373 Posts
    • 1,202 Thanks
    mademoiselle
    "My bitter experience is that "emotional" affairs often turn out to be outright lies that are either just about to turn physical or actual affairs where the cheating party is trying to spin things-out a bit longer till they are ready to jump."

    SO true, Pogofish. You are right to be devastated - this is betrayal of trust on a huge scale. It makes even my skin crawl (and I don't know any of the parties!), to think of your husband talking about you with this person, discussing you in god-knows-what way. But you can bet he will have laid it on thickly about your bad points, in order to gain sympathy etc. We all know how men do this, don't we, girls? The doe-eyed expression, the doleful tale told in a faltering voice..."my wife..doesn't understand me"!!!

    Sickening! I can't think of ANY reason why a man married for 33 years would open up to a female colleague, to the extent that they are constantly in communication, night and day - unless he wanted to get in her knickers.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 14th Jun 17, 10:34 PM
    • 2,403 Posts
    • 5,915 Thanks
    ska lover
    Please can I ask, If it were another man, would people still think the same?

    A married man of 33 years may open up to another human because he needs to talk, he needs someone to hear him

    and maybe his wife doesn't or maybe he just needs a friend

    If I am honest, I would find it hard to believe that someone would cheat , for the first time ever, after 33 years.
    Blah blah blah.
    • Tinker bells
    • By Tinker bells 14th Jun 17, 10:43 PM
    • 14 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Tinker bells
    Please can I ask, If it were another man, would people still think the same?
    Originally posted by ska lover
    This question is spot on!

    Despite the fact that I agree with OP in regards to this being an "emotional affair" - if I was in this situation myself and my OH was talking to another male 50 times a day, I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid and that's me being completely honest.

    However, if it was another female I would use all the strength i have in me and throw my OH out a closed window.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 14th Jun 17, 11:45 PM
    • 12,420 Posts
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    Gloomendoom
    Two males texting each other 50 times a day?

    Ha ha!
    Advice; it rhymes with mice. Advise; it rhymes with wise.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Jun 17, 6:10 AM
    • 15,665 Posts
    • 39,158 Thanks
    FBaby
    Surely it's not about the 50 texts but about what was said in these texts. I could be silly banter, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is a bit odd if it's a daily thing, but once a week or so it's not shocking.

    What isn't normal friendship is texting in the middle of the night saying in essence 'I miss you'. That implies dependency. That's possible in a long term friendship, but that's not a healthy one between married people.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 15th Jun 17, 7:53 AM
    • 27,828 Posts
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    Mojisola
    Please can I ask, If it were another man, would people still think the same?
    Originally posted by ska lover
    What isn't normal friendship is texting in the middle of the night saying in essence 'I miss you'.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    If it were a male friend and he texted 'wish you were home', yes, I'd be concerned at just what their relationship was like.
    • bouicca21
    • By bouicca21 15th Jun 17, 9:40 AM
    • 2,993 Posts
    • 3,672 Thanks
    bouicca21
    I was where OP was some 6 years ago. After a similar length marriage. It was as it were a fantasy affair that on one occasion turned real. it was borne out of depression but that doesn't make it any easier to cope with and he refused to give up their 'very special' friendship.

    Today I am single, and so is he. She dumped him. I think it took him several years to climb out of the hole he'd dug for himself. Once I realised that all trust had gone, it took a surprisingly short time for me to enjoy being free. No more compromises, no more treading on eggshells in case it upset him, no more trying to prop up a marriage that was over. I don't think the emotional hurt ever goes away, but, boy, is freedom good.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 15th Jun 17, 10:12 AM
    • 14,843 Posts
    • 59,707 Thanks
    Judi

    Today I am single, and so is he. She dumped him. I think it took him several years to climb out of the hole he'd dug for himself. Once I realised that all trust had gone, it took a surprisingly short time for me to enjoy being free. No more compromises, no more treading on eggshells in case it upset him, no more trying to prop up a marriage that was over. I don't think the emotional hurt ever goes away, but, boy, is freedom good.
    Originally posted by bouicca21
    Thank you for your honesty. Sorry for your pain.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
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