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  • FIRST POST
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    • 7Posts
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    MissBessie
    Husband has had an emotional affair
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:27 PM
    Husband has had an emotional affair 11th Jun 17 at 6:27 PM
    I have recently discovered that my husband has been texting a woman - 10 years younger than him - for 6 months. She works beside him and he says they are "just friends". A secret " friend" that he's been texting up to 50 times a day. He claims he's never seen her outside work and there was never any sex.
    We have been married for 33 years, have 3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I have went between crying to anger to disbelieve and back again. I can't eat, can't sleep..........can't believe it.
    He says we haven't been getting on (true), weren't talking most of the time (true) and that he just started to talk to her one day that they were on the same shift. This to me is no excuse - I didn't go and seek out a man to talk my probls over with. He says he loves me, wants to try again but I don't know if I could ever trust him. Our kids are also devastated and don't want anything more to do with him. People are totally shocked as he is one of the last people you would think would do this. Sorry this is so long
Page 2
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 11th Jun 17, 9:36 PM
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    NeilCr
    I'd expect my OH to bring up the problem with me!

    Even if he did start by using a friend or colleague as a sounding board, he should have realised that letting it go on so intensely for so long moves it from a friendly listening ear to a relationship in its own right.

    If I was the colleague he was talking to, I'd have told him after a week or two that he needed to speak to his wife and would have backed off.

    50 texts a day is extreme for close couples - for 'colleagues' it's beyond normal.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    But the OP has already said that they were having a lot of problems so he might not have felt that he could bring it to her.

    I've got a really good female friend - when I was married she was the one I went to for emotional support - and we are still very close. My marriage wasn't that great and my ex had her own issues which meant that she couldn't provide me with that kind of support (and, to be clear, I am not blaming her). My friend is amazing - kind, funny and attractive - and, yes, I think a lot of her. But I am (and was) very aware that she is in a stable and very happy relationship.

    And sometimes, it is easier to talk to someone outside of your own relationship about stuff - especially if it isn't going well for you. I know one of the first things I did when I met my current partner was to introduce the two of them

    Having said all this I fully agree 50 texts a day is extreme - but it would be helpful to know how all this came out
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Jun 17, 9:38 PM
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    Primrose
    This is obviously hurtful for you but if your marriage was in as bad a state as you admit it obviously created a vacuum for your husband to find somebody else in whom to confide. Who have you been confiding In, or haven't been sharing your unhappiness with anybody? People of the opposite sex can be friends and I imagine once he found somebody sympathetic to listen maybe he didn,t realise how deep or close the relationship ship was becoming.

    You both need to talk honestly in a way you haven't done for years. Going to Relate might give you both a different perspective. Throwing 30 years away in the height of emotion needs serrious thought and is bound to have a serious impact on your children too even though they are adult. It's still their family which would be broken up.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 11th Jun 17, 9:48 PM
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    Mojisola
    But the OP has already said that they were having a lot of problems so he might not have felt that he could bring it to her.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    That's an excuse a lot of people use for a physical affair.

    If she wasn't willing to talk, he should have laid out how unhappy he was and that he couldn't go on as they were (in a letter if she wouldn't sit down and listen) - not go out and build a close emotional connection with someone else.

    Were they discussing ways of managing his relationship problems? If so, their discussions haven't been successful.

    If not, he's been very naive not to realise how such a lot of contact with another woman would look to his wife and family.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 11th Jun 17, 10:04 PM
    • 1,102 Posts
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    NeilCr
    That's an excuse a lot of people use for a physical affair.

    If she wasn't willing to talk, he should have laid out how unhappy he was and that he couldn't go on as they were (in a letter if she wouldn't sit down and listen) - not go out and build a close emotional connection with someone else.

    Were they discussing ways of managing his relationship problems? If so, their discussions haven't been successful.

    If not, he's been very naive not to realise how such a lot of contact with another woman would look to his wife and family.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    But it also happens quite a lot when there isn't a physical affair. I know that only too well from my own experience. There is a heck of a difference between a physical affair and an emotional connection (and I mean by this one between close friends)

    While I agree that it is sometimes best to try and sort it out between the two of you (and state your case) I do also think that it is often easier said than done - especially as, as the OP says, the relationship was having a lot of problems

    Look - I am not saying he couldn't have handled this better (and I agree he was naive with all the texts etc) - he may, possibly have been having an affair - but it also seems to be a huge jump to assume that he is definitely having one or that it is the "wrong" sort of emotional connection.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 11th Jun 17, 10:09 PM
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    PeacefulWaters
    From a male point of view, I suppose that isn't an affair because sex has not raised its ugly head.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    From this male point of view it's unacceptable and as bad as a sexual affair.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 11th Jun 17, 10:14 PM
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    krlyr
    I found out last year that my ex had gone back onto the dating site we met on and messaged (lots of!) other women. He even went on a couple of dates, though claims nothing physical ever happened, not even a hug. He claims he didn't want relationships with any, just a bit of a fantasy to boost his ego (we were having some minor niggles in the bedroom - medical/health reasons).

    Sometimes I wish he had just had a physical affair, it would have been much more cut and dry for me. I found it very difficult to know if I could accept it and move past it to make things work or not. We'd been together a while (7 years) with not even an argument, so it really did shake me to find out. However, what got to me most was his ability to lie to my face every day for the month that it had been going on. From lying about what he was doing each night when he disappeared off to his office for hours before coming to bed, volunteering to walk the dog to sneak off and chat to women, to sitting right next to me on his phone, obviously having conversations, arranging dates etc. - that I couldn't get past.

    I think everyone has to make the decision themselves about what they can and can't tolerate in a relationship, and sometimes you don't know the answer to that yourself until you go through it. I always thought I'd be very black and white about an affair - and I did kick him out initially, but then all those shades of grey sneak in and you question your own views. I actually found it a huge help to see a counsellor and talk things through - we did go to Relate together but I found the counsellor there not as useful as the lady I went to see on my own, and to talk about the relationship as a whole with her rather than just this one issue we were discussing together in Relate really helped clarify things for me.

    I really don't envy you, I know it is a horrendous place to be and I really wish you the best in sorting through things in your head. Just make the best decision for yourself - you are your number 1 priority here, sounds like the kids are old enough to not be a deciding factor as such, and hubby will just have to make do with whatever you find you need to get through, over, past, beyond this issue - it is his own doing, afterall.

    For me - well, he's an ex so obviously I decided I couldn't get past it, and I'm actually in a fantastic place in my life right now (silver lining and all - selling our house but managed to find a place I can afford myself so I'm looking forward to that little project, it prompted me to ask for - and fortunately get - a payrise and some more responsibility at work, it's driven me to work hard to finish my professional qualification a bit sooner than originally planned, and it's also made me realise how much of myself I'd given up for the relationship so I'm enjoying being me again (over a stone lost, gym membership actually being well-used, joined some social groups to get out and about more and made more of an effort to catch up with friends that had been slightly neglected!). But equally this could be the catalyst to save your marriage, if that's what you both want. I wish you the best whatever you decide
    • MissBessie
    • By MissBessie 11th Jun 17, 11:15 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    MissBessie
    Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 11th Jun 17, 11:34 PM
    • 7,307 Posts
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    PeacefulWaters
    Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    Trust your gut.

    And expect a lot of lies before the full truth outs.
    • bagpussbear
    • By bagpussbear 12th Jun 17, 6:49 AM
    • 780 Posts
    • 2,606 Thanks
    bagpussbear
    Hugs to you OP.

    It is an emotional affair, so many texts would suggest a bit of an obsession to me.

    Your husband is being a fool and you have the right to be fuming.

    Work colleagues don't text at that time of morning with that sort of message. He is totally into her. How disrespectful.

    In your shoes I'd be suggesting a separation. He needs to understand he can't do that you. Ask him to leave for a bit, and get your head clearer about what you want to do.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 12th Jun 17, 6:52 AM
    • 16,141 Posts
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    FBaby
    My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that
    But he can, just not with you, at least any longer. You say that you knew your marriage wasn't going well, what did you do about it to make it better?

    I understand your hurt that he would turn to someone else for emotional support, but surely this is reflective that firstly he had a need for it and secondly that he felt he couldn't get it from you. Maybe he tried, and tried and tried again, but got nothing back, when you didn't realise that's what he was trying to do, maybe in a not very subtle way, and he gave up?

    It's easy to put all the blame on the one who had stepped out of the 'rules of marriage, but very often, the root cause is very much joint.

    If you want to save your marriage, you will also need to focus on why your marriage was not good, why you did nothing about it, and why your OH felt the need to share his emotions with someone else. Putting all the blame on him will make you feel better temporary but will certainly not resolve the issue as to why it happened in the first place.

    Personally, I think the line between a close friendship and an emotional affair is not clear cut. When I go through a bad patch with OH, I need to talk about it and as OH needs are exactly the opposite and he will tense up and close down if I bring things up, I turn to my friends. It doesn't involve 50 texts a day, but it will involve opening up at a deep level.

    Not only do I not feel that this is something that should only happen between couples, I also actually think that it is healthy as between friends, we help each other to see the wider picture and from our partner's perspective.

    Would you have felt as upset if instead of this friend, your OH had secretly gone to see a therapist?
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 12th Jun 17, 7:17 AM
    • 10,890 Posts
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    POPPYOSCAR
    Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking
    Originally posted by MissBessie

    I would of been tempted to text back saying 'My husband is asleep right now. Why do you wish he was home?'
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 12th Jun 17, 7:19 AM
    • 1,102 Posts
    • 1,219 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    How did the rest come out? Did he then tell you he was texting her 50 times a day etc? Did he tell your children?

    As I (and others) have said it can sometimes be easier to talk to someone outside of a relationship

    I'm not saying that there isn't something going on. That 2.30 text is very suspicious indeed but for someone who has managed to hide a lot he was very lax in leaving the phone like that
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 12th Jun 17, 7:34 AM
    • 4,801 Posts
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    barbiedoll
    Lots of posters are suggesting that your husband confided in a colleague about your marriage problems, because he couldn't/wouldn't talk to you.

    But let's look at it from a different perspective. When did the problems start? When did you stop speaking to each other? Has it got much worse in the past 6 months? And remember, you only know about 6 months, he may be lying about that, this could have been simmering for much longer. And the text at 2.30am could mean that she is pushing for him to tell you, but that he's not keen. She possibly/probably wants you to find out, you could be playing right into her hands by kicking him out. If she wants someone else's husband that badly, tough....she'll just have to wait.

    People embroiled in affairs, emotional or otherwise (are there really any other kind?) tend to distance themselves from their partner and family. And of course, when it all hits the fan, you end up blaming yourself for "not talking" or "not getting on"......it's hard to have any sort of meaningful discussion with your partner if they have one eye and one ear on their phone.

    Tread carefully here, don't go in guns blazing. Try to find out when this all started. It could just be a silly, middle-aged man, having a bit of a confidence crisis, or it could be something much deeper. Either way, you may want to start thinking about protecting yourself, emotionally and financially.

    Don't drag the kids into it, he's still their father.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 12th Jun 17, 12:44 PM
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    Slinky
    Just friends? Texing at 2.30am? Why would it matter where he was if they were just texting each other as friends?

    There's more to this than he's currently admiting IMO.

    Feel for you OP.
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 12th Jun 17, 12:55 PM
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    clairec79
    Depending on where they were on holiday the 2.30am phone call may well have been sent at a normal time from the UK
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 12th Jun 17, 1:01 PM
    • 1,393 Posts
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    Oakdene
    Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. My husband would never discuss our problems - couldn't talk about stuff like that. That is why I'm finding it hard to believe he could talk to her instead of me. I found out while we were on holiday, having a great time, getting on well. His phone was at my side of the bed for the time when she text at 2:30am........"I so wish you were home". More than just friends I'm thinking
    Originally posted by MissBessie
    Wow, home? Does that not insinucate they have been together in a place which they (or maybe just the texter) thinks is thier home?
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 12th Jun 17, 1:47 PM
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    pinkshoes
    I'm surprised you didnt swap her phone number for yours!

    Sounds to me like you and your DH need to TALK to each other.

    Find out WHY he has been texting this other woman. Sounds to me like she would listen and he wanted some attention that he wasn't getting from you and has perhaps become a bit obsessed...

    Hardly crime of the century. Just a sign that things need to change.

    Change to what is up to you and him.

    TALK to him.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 2:20 PM
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    Guest101
    OP I have a simple question. - would you be less concerned if this was a man?


    Is he not allowed to have friends and to talk to them?
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 12th Jun 17, 2:25 PM
    • 1,393 Posts
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    Oakdene
    OP I have a simple question. - would you be less concerned if this was a man?


    Is he not allowed to have friends and to talk to them?
    Originally posted by Guest101
    I was in total agreeance to what you have written above, until I read the text that the OP shared which mentioned 'wish you were home'. Unless the OP's OH has jokingly said that work feels more like home to his colleague I find it very worrying that the person would text that at 2am
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 12th Jun 17, 2:50 PM
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    Guest101
    I was in total agreeance to what you have written above, until I read the text that the OP shared which mentioned 'wish you were home'. Unless the OP's OH has jokingly said that work feels more like home to his colleague I find it very worrying that the person would text that at 2am
    Originally posted by Oakdene


    To be honest it was so out there I wasn't sure what it meant.


    e.g. if he was home, he'd be working and therefore they'd have laugh at work / or that the colleague is covering work whilst he's on A/L / or as you said work is more like home.


    It certainly didn't scream affair to me.
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